How can I set boundaries and still be a caregiver?

Loriander, there is no law that says that you must provide help to a parent if you don't want to.

I think perhaps you need to say to your mother (if she's competent) "mom, what you did was very hurtful to me. In consequence of your unkind words, I need to take some time to re-think how much I'm doing for you."

Don't engage in an argument about this. Just back off for a few weeks and let her make her own arrangements for whatever help she needs.

Also, do not indulge ur mom with family information. If she was ur confidante then find someone else. Keep all your family stuff out of your mothers knowledge.

My MIL did this with her daughter/son in law and 2 grand daughters. It was horrible the things she said and it wasn’t dementia at the time and her daughter was the caregiver at the time. Whenever she would say something horrific we would tell her how inappropriate and we will talk to her when she can be appropriate.

Loriander; It makes a HUGE difference if your mom is 55, still working and mostly doing stuff on her own and you occasionally "help out" or if she is 75, getting frail and needs help with most tasks.

Please give us a little more context and you will get better advice.

You don't say how old your mother is. This would be helpful to assess if she really may be sliding into cognitive decline and losing her filters and reason and logic. You keep seeing her through "Daughter Eyes" and react accordingly, but from my own personal experience, you should really consider that she may have the beginnings of dementia. YOU cannot be the one to assess it. Your mother's doctor should perform a cognitive/memory exam and you may be surprised at the results.

Here's an informative article from this agingcare.com website:

https://www.agingcare.com/articles/stages-of-alzheimers-disease-118964.htm

Please keep an open mind and educate yourself so you are not blindsided by your mother's issues that may be out of her control. You need to look at her with "Caregiver Eyes" now.

Does your mother live with you? Or you with her? What kind of caregiving does she require from you?

Do you have siblings?

How did you come to be her caregiver?

It helps to have more background information.

Loriander, Welcome!

You don't say if mom has dementia. People with dementia lose their filters. Also, did mom know you were there and listening?