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I think I am caving in. My husband requires more and more assistance which I try to give him in the most loving and caring way. His dementia must have entered a new phase. All of a sudden I get mocked and scoffed at and outright resistance when I ask him even the smallest favor, like to please sit straight on the toilet seat to avoid another disaster, or brush his teeth, which he insists he already did. I feel so frustrated and angry. I realize that his reasoning ability is gone and I must keep my calm, but how can I combat the resentment that is slowly building up in me.

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Thank you all for your very kind and helpful comments. I think my 81 year old husband is entering the stage where there is no more reasoning ability. Last night he asked me at 3 am to turn the ceiling fan on. When I asked him if the room felt stuffy, he said no, the bed felt wet. It sure was. He had pulled off his condom catheter again and I had to wash him down, change him, the bedding, mop up the floor and finally sink into my bed beside him, fairly spent. Surprisingly I managed to laugh it off because his ceiling fan request was just too funny. So glad it's Sunday. Perhaps a few hours of rest here and there will restore my sanity.
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Alpha, you need and deserve a break. YOU are the only one that will make sure you get that break. Pam: how in the world did you end up picking the wrong darn color? You get everything else right! Oh well, nobody's perfect.
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In addition to an appointment with a doctor or therapist, not instead of!
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Sometimes it takes awhile to get an appointment set, and it can take weeks for medication to kick in. In the meantime, find some small joys every day. Take time for you, do meditation for a few minutes or yoga, watch a comedy, or a few funny Internet clips throughout the day. Buy your favorite treats at the grocery and keep them just for you, or a really special coffee or ice cream. Get outside a few minutes every day and soak up some sunshine when the weather is nice. Google inspirational or motivational quotes and save your favorites in a separate file you can look at when you need it. Find a beautiful box and fill it with little special comforting things for yourself (I made a comfort box for each of my children growing up). Put things in like special tea bags, a great chocolate bar, nice bath salts, a face mask, a motivational book, a pretty lipstick, etc. Keep the box for one of those days when you have a real meltdown and just need some comfort. You have to take special care of yourself or you wont be able to be there for anyone else.
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I expect the Bathroom Coordinating Committee will shortly censure me. Mind you I say nothing when he takes a wrong turn, a wide right, or he hits the curb. Somehow I know all these things are my fault. He is being strange with money too, all his SS is going into a separate account along with his one day a week consulting salary. I know the tip of this iceberg and it's not pretty. Can't wait for the next phase to begin.
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Really Pam? How are you still holding up?
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OMG this is too familiar. My hubby is 64. He turned the gas on for the wrong burner, when he thought he was actually shutting off the gas for the burner next to it. It did not ignite until the gas wafted to the operating burner and BOOM! Scared the shxx out of himself. He cleaned up the mess and broken soup bowl. End of story? No, now he is on my case for-- of all things--- buying the WRONG color bath towels.
Alpha, I guess you have shown me what I can look forward to. Lucky us.
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See your doctor and tell him about your depression. If your husband is over the age of 65, contact your local Area Agency on Aging or Bureau of Senior Services, they have in home programs where an in home provider will come in and help take care of him with personal care and some chore services. They also have caregiver respite and support services. Contact your local chapter of the Alzheimer's Association, they will be able to give you educational materials on dementia and behavioral interventions and how to respond when he isn't so nice. You have to remember, he isn't the person he used to be, the dementia has changed him. Some become more complacent while others become more rude, crude and act out physically or sexually. Speak with his physician, he may need some low dose medication to assist in making him calmer which will increase his quality of life (and yours). As his disease progresses, you will lose more and more of the man you married. You need to be prepared for this. He doesn't remember he didn't brush his teeth, If he won't brush now try in 15 minutes. You'll learn to adapt and changes as his dementia progresses. You may also find it helpful to talk to other caregivers and a counselor/therapist that can help you through this difficult time. Good Luck.
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Depression isn't usually something one can pull themselves out of. Like jeannegibbs said, depression is an illness and like any other illness it needs treatment or it's not going to get any better. If you had a broken bone you wouldn't sit around waiting for it to heal on its own, you'd seek medical treatment. The same goes for depression.

Make an appointment with your Dr. and see about getting on an antidepressant. If you're already on one, explain to the Dr. how you feel so he can either add another one or put you on something else more effective. A pill isn't going to change your circumstances but it may help with the way you perceive them.
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1) See a therapist. Depression isn't something one can pull oneself out of. It is a real illness (whatever its cause) and there are real treatments for it.

2) Get some help with your husband. You have to have some time to yourself. You have to get out of situation that is causing your resentment regularly. Of course you love your husband. But you still need regular breaks from him.

I speak from experience. I cared for my husband with dementia for 10 years, and I have a major depressive disorder. These are not do-it-yourself projects -- at least not do it alone!
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