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I typed in a similar question into google search engine “how to kick my mom out” and this website came up, I am asking for help because I am probably at my lowest point in life... I have a 13 month old son and my life hasn’t gone back to our “normal” since before he was born. I had to be pregnant and welcome my son while living in our 1 bedroom apartment. Living with us during this special moment in our life’s is my mom and my 8 siblings. 4 of them are adults the rest are teens-pre teens. If you have kids I’m sure you can imagine the chaos this can cause.


They moved in March 8th 2018. My mom and my oldest sister (25) at the time allowed theirselves to be evicted with all the kids living with them in a 4 bedroom town home with the rent being very, very affordable (we pay $400 more here- it was low income living). Both of their cars had gotten repo-ed which my immediate reaction was to lend them my 2nd car. I initially only planned to let them borrow my car until tax season, until they bought themselves a new car. My mom and sister both made the same $18/hour, my other 3 adult siblings had no job, making no income, and none of which attended college. My dad is a drug addict in Mexico he was deported 8-9 years ago.


My husband and I lived with my mom until April of 2016. At this time It was time for our own privacy and space (plus me and my mom weren’t really getting along anymore) mainly because my siblings were unemployed and not contributing to rent but me and my “fiancé” (then) paid rent and mainly anything that my mom needed money for; we didn’t eat dinner at home, always ate out and I stopped worrying about cleaning taking care of my little brothers around the same time (2016). When we moved out my mom was no happy and bitter, didn’t congratulate us nor seem happy for us. This made my sister get a job ASAP because she need to “help my mom”. After I moved out things where good, I missed them more, I enjoyed visiting them, etc. (2017) This apartment lease lasted us a year and we decide to not release because we wanted to try and apply at my moms apartment (with no plan b) we moved out, put our things in a storage and moved in with my mom for what was supposed to be “2 weeks” or like she said “until the wedding” October 2017. After one week I applied for the apartments and was denied, I was confident we would qualify, we didn’t. After 2 weeks of having no respect, no space, and no peace and quiet I wanted to get out. We had to sleep in a air mattress in the living room while they all remained in there ALL night. Eventually me and my husband saved enough to move out to this one bedroom we are all in now.


Me and my husband have been together 10 years. We moved into this apt July 2017, married October 2017, conceived Jan 2018. My family moved in MARCH 2018. I have yet to enjoy my life as a family of 3. We didn’t get calm before the storm (newborn), we didn’t get to enjoy the newborn phase ALONE. All this has been haunting me for almost 2 years now. Me and my husband where falling apart until we both reached out for therapy separately.


I need help to stand up for myself and ask my mom to move out because she seems to not be affected by this other then when I demand certain things to be cleaned, dealt with, done around this small apartment. She plays the victim and will ignore everyone all day while she watches tv on her phone. I am very very depressed right now even tho the “solution” was for US to move out. My husband, my child, and I. For us to move out into another apartment and just let her have this one until the lease is up (not reviewing the lease) just allowing her to live in it until the lease is up in July. But I can’t live with this choice without feeling like I’ve lost because now WE have to save for security deposit, first months rent all while still paying our bills (car,light,phone bill, groceries, baby necessities).


How can I word my request without breaking down on her? I hate crying.

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I tend to deal with problems in a very straight forward and pragmatic way. So..here goes.

that many people living in the small apartment you have is quite illegal. Every state draws the line at two people per bedroom + 1 (baby). You are so far over that limit that you will get evicted when the landlord finds out. That landlord could be hit with huge daily fines if you all remain there. If you are in subsidized housing...the housing authority could evict all of you.

so...in writing...notify the family (post it on the door) that they are required to move by November 30th. You must do this in writing because it is the only process the court will accept. If you end up going to court.you must notify in writing first!!! So just start with a writing notice so that step is done and over. Remaining there with you is illegal. Make this a formal notice. That is, write in it a totally matter fact manner. You will seek the court to evict them. Anyone remaining on Dec 1st will be evicted. On dec. 1st....go to the county court house and file to evict. Naming each and everyone. If you are too confused about how to do that, contact the local legal help.

since you allowed them to move in, and they are getting a free ride, do not expect them to go easy. They have been evicted before and didn’t care...so, this is going to be rough for you (anyone dealing with them). You and hubby must stand together on this and support each other as you find your backbone and get them out.

btw...worriedincal...I have been a landlord for more than 40 years....there is NO federal law that prohibits states and cities from enforcing occupancy limits that are reasonable....2 people per bedroom +1.
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Takincare Oct 24, 2019
True, 2+1 is acceptable federal guideline. Depending on square footage they may be to squeeze in 1 more roommate (usually 2 couples sharing space) DCFS has their own guidelines that state underage boys and girls need their own separate bedrooms and the squarefootage of that bedroom determines how many can legally inhabit it. Their concern is male/female minors sharing a sleeping arrangement with someone of the opposite sex is taboo. A 1 bedroom is not condusive to their guidelines and can result in all minor children being removed from the family home. Then the fun for OP would really begin.
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Good luck with this necessary conversation. You, your husband and child deserve better. I can't even imagine that many people in a 1 bedroom apartment. I'd go INSANE in about 24 hours!!
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Wow....what a mess. I don't have amazing words of wisdom to add here, just wanted to offer support and say YOU CAN DO THIS GIRLFRIEND!!!! You, your hubby and your precious baby deserve to live alone and free in your own apartment, it's your right.

Best of luck having The Talk with your mom. Stay strong and lay down the law. Keep us posted, we all care
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Thank you all for the advice! Thanks to all these answers and seeing others input on this has made me more confident in my feelings and that I am no wrong for asking them too move out.

No my family are not illegals which unfortunately I think makes this situation sadder. My dad is but none of us are.

I am ashamed that this has taken me this long to realize I have the right to say something here. No my husband has not left me because he is a saint. We haven’t had the best of luck with family as you can see. We didn’t even realize how long and deep this would go on.

This is our reality, sadly, and we are doing something about it this week, I am mentally preparing myself for these next awkward 30 days.

Thank you to the person who gave me examples of How to open the conversation I’ll be using One of those examples.

Thank you ALL honestly, this has made me realize how mentally unhealthy my how family really is and why I always felt like I was different “mentality wise” I’m also going to tell them to seek help like my husband and I did.

I will keep you guys posted. God bless!
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DizzyBritches Oct 23, 2019
Don’t feel ashamed. Family situations can seem stickier than they really need to be.
I’ll bet you’ll have NO problems asserting yourself after this! 😛
Good luck! And enjoy the fruits of newlywed life WITH PRIVACY.
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Never mind how can you word your request without breaking down in tears. Least of your worries, I'd say.

What about: how can you word your request so that your mother takes it seriously and starts to act on it? She's outstayed her original welcome by eighteen months, so it's not like it will dawn on her that perhaps she shouldn't be taking advantage of you and your husband. But if you were able to harden your heart and tell her to leave, effectively, surely you'd already have done it?

To me, the question is not so much what should you do, but what should your mother do and how can she be helped (and made, to be blunt about it) to make a start on it?

Your mother is still responsible for four minor children. She suffers from depression, and I don't take that lightly; but that doesn't make it okay for her to sit by passively and let this chaos continue. What can be done to get her back on track? Is she seeing a therapist, are there any professionals involved in her care or support?
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DizzyBritches Oct 23, 2019
Some people really do hate to cry. They may have feelings of shame about it or feel like helpless little children again.
It’s like throwing up. You may feel better afterwards but you don’t look forward to doing it.
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I quickly read what is being said the main thing here is that all these people living in a 1 bedroom is illegal. If the landlord finds out you could be evicted too. Those teens need to be in rooms of their own. Boys and girls separated. I can't imagine how 10 people live like this.

In my state, a 13 month old cannot be in the same bedroom of the parents. They must have a room to themselves or with a sibling. You must get them all out. Those who are adults can find a place together sharing rent. Mom and teens can get another one. Mom can get a job so can the teens, after school and on weekends.

I am surprised you have gotten away with this this long. Have Mom go to Social Services for help in getting housing. Those teens could be taken from her if under 18.
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worriedinCali Oct 23, 2019
The OP is in California and it is not illegal for all those people to live in the apartment. There are state standards but no actual law and there are federal laws that prevent cities from enforcing occupancy limits, just FYI. The law varies from state to state so what is illegal in NJ may very well be legal in other states. In CA it isn’t illegal for a parent and child to share a room, in fact it is quite common here because of the high cost of living. Not everyone can afford a place with a room for every family member. It’s actually very common here for the whole family to share a bedroom when it’s a multi-generational situation. Even when I was a kid, I had friends that with in their grandparents home with aunts, uncles & cousins and each “family” shared a bedroom. One my friends even had 2 uncles who slept in a sectioned off area of the garage. It’s common, it’s a way of life for many people in this state.
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Wow.  I really feel sorry for your situation.  You do need to buck up and sit your mother and the oldest sibling down with your husband there as well.  I say include the older sibling because this is a serious situation that needs to be addressed.  And everyone has to be on board.  Having your husband by your side, will reinforce that this is your family decision and he's there to not let you sway to your allow them to stay.   You do need to give them time to find something, but a deadline to get out and no compromising on that.  If you can find time in your hectic day, help them with the phone calls and set up meetings/interviews with financial assistance etc.  This reinforces that you mean business.  IF you could have one sibling live with you (provided the school is acceptable for all) and he/she would be helpful in your home, that may be a help all around.  And look into where their money is going?  eating out?  the mobile/data situation for them?  Excess in their expenses may be something they need to compromise on in order to help make ends meet.  It's daunting.  I wish you luck.
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Time to have them evicted. Legal aid would be able to assist you with this process. Unfortunately your family is a bunch of users who are squatting in you property. You and your husband have absolutely zero obligation to these people family or not. Ask them nicely to leave. If they refuse explain that you are willing to take legal action against them and that you will not feel guilty about it. Near as I figure between mom and sister they are making 36 and hour working. Sounds like you may be eligible for housing assistance yourself because you have added to your family. Do not move from the apartment and allow them to stay. You and your husband will be held accountable for any damage they do. If you cry, you cry. It happens because being used by your parent and then having to tell them to go hurts. NEVER let anyone move into your home again, or in this case even spend the night. Take your life back, kicking and screaming if you need to, but take it back. Dcfs has limits on how many people can live in a place and the required bedrooms needed for the people who live in the home. Are you willing to chance having your child placed in foster care because you allow this to continue. Helping family is one thing, being taken advantage of by them is something entirely different. You may need to check your lease, if you do not remove them you may be setting yourself up for eviction too. Many leases have a clause that you can have visitors but only for a short period of time before needing to leave.
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You’ve gone way beyond what any daughter or sister should be called on to do to help out family. Now they’re simply using you and taking advantage of your sweet nature. Please speak with your husband today and decide together how to present as a united team to your mother and siblings that they’re moving out. Agree first with your husband on a time, make it one or two months at most. And no financial help at all from you! This isn’t your responsibility! You’re a wife and mother, that’s your responsibility now. Your child will soon be affected by all this stress, your marriage certainly is, it’s time to protect your own family. Don’t worry about being emotional, and don’t be guilted into not changing this mess. You’ve reached out because you know this is wrong, your family has used you. I hope to come back here and read that you’ve had the courage to have them out, and you have your home back.
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Lupe and your siblings need to move out. Surely there is a lease restriction on the number of people that can occupy a 1-bedroom apartment (even if you are all related)?

Are your family illegals?
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The HARDEST part of having this conversation with your mom and siblings is to START it. Once it's started, the rest will follow. How you start does not need to be proper or perfect.

Tomorrow, announce to your mom that you want the current living situation to end. A few suggestions to start the conversation:

"Mom, I need to have my apartment back. It's too small and too stressful for me to have too many people living in this little apartment. How soon can you and the others move out?" or

"Mom, you said you would only stay temporarily. It's been ___ months. I need my apartment back. How soon can you and the others move out?" or

"Mom, the manager said we couldn't have umpteen people living in this one bedroom apartment. I need you and the others move out. How soon can you do that?"

You need the 'how soon' question to put the ball back in her court. Make her come up with a time frame, no longer than 3 months, and hold her to it.

If she puts guilt on you by saying "you need to help if you love us" crap, say you've helped all these times and it's time for her and the others to take care of themselves, pull their own weight. Tell them they lived on their own before, they can live on their own again. You can only help for so long. It's time you take care of your own husband and child.
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Takincare Oct 23, 2019
They have 5 adults that only 2 are working, time for others to get a job too. It sounds like OP has been used by her mom for a long time, eg. When her and fiance stayed for a short period of time and they were paying the rent, utilities, and anything else mom wanted while there supporting the 3 adults who did not work back then either. Plus mom made other sister get a job to help out when OP moved out of the apartment originally and mom was pissed her meal ticket was gone. Because of the preteens and teens, single parent status her mom would be able to get yet another subsidized apartment but is too lazy to do so. I would not let one of them stay, too easy for the rest to try and trickle in for a couple of nights and never leave.Mom doesn't even want to help clean and gets angry if asked to do so. Time to close the chapter on this book permanently.
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So your mum wasn’t happy you were making a life for you and your family? Seems she’s determined that you and your husband should pay for her and her grown up kids.

Sounds like theres way too many in a one bed apartment. So the suggestion re checking how many permitted is a good one.

So what if you cry - hormones affect new mums - blame that! Get your husband to instigate the conversation re their stay was supposed to be temporary and that - since no progress - after 20 months - due to numbers permitted - they have 30 days as of NOW to find new accommodation.

Get your doctor on board too - you need time to just be a mum and wife.

Once they've gone focus focus on your husband and baby.

I wish you, hubby and baby every happiness in your life together.
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Also if most of them are on social security benefits if they pooled this money it would be a lot
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Be honest and speak with the person who manages your apartment. They may be more understanding than you think. Perhaps your lease could be transferred to another property Go to local courthouse/ sheriff and enquire about forced removal. They are bludgers as we say in Australia. They are using you. You need a total break from them to sort your own life out then, maybe later, much later let the ones who deserve it back into your life.
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Katiekate Oct 24, 2019
If she lets the apartment mangers know about this...tsp he is likely to get an eviction notice in climes all of them. That would be the only proper way for them to proceed. Do not count on the compassion of a business to look the other way when they learn of the illegal situation there.
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On your lease does it state that there is a limit to the amount of people that can live in your unit? If so, you can let your "roommates" know that your landlords are pressuring you to go back to the original amount of tenants on the lease and that they need to get by (30 or 60) days.
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Muribe70 Oct 22, 2019
I’ve tried that, but I am scared to risk my sons living status. What if they kick us all out? Sorry like I said I have been depressed and unable to make conscious decisions ...
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What’s wrong with your husband get him to do it with you. Is this for real? Your mother is 42 and has a 25 yo child. That would have made her17 when she had this baby. You make 9 children so she has had nine children by 42? So she would have been pregnant for 81 months of her life. I call bs on this
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Muribe70 Oct 22, 2019
yea I probably didn’t make much sense of the ages but then 2016 my sister was 25 she is now 27 she had her at 15 y/o and got pregnant every 2 years (making me 25 now) I’m not BSing, sadly this is my life right now LOL.
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Hello thank you for answering! They moved in to the this one bedroom we are all in now in March of 2018 because that was around the time she was evicted from her4 bedroom apartment.. when their eviction process started they “looked” but never found anything. I offered them to stay with us as a last resort for a few weeks until they got their tax refunds that same month or the latest April to move out on their own. Sorry hope that makes sense..
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Riverdale Oct 22, 2019
Yes it does. They need to actively be looking for another place. I don't know where you are and what the houing situation is but they should try through all aid assistance sources. A one bedroom should not be housing that many people. Are they seriously trying to find another place to live? I hope others will offer suggestions for you. As far as hurting feelings you just have to stand your ground with the fact of the one bedroom being for your immediate family? Why were they evicted?
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I admire how detailed your explanation was. What I don't get is around March of 2018 you found a one bedroom for you,husband and child. That sounds great. Why did your mother and siblings have to leave the apartment they were in?

I realize it can be difficult but you just have to explain this is the life you need to live and cannot house other family. That still goes back to why they left their apartment




.
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bolliveb123 Oct 23, 2019
OP said they were evicted. So they are going to have a hard time finding a place to live with that on their record. Especially for 10 people. The general occupancy rule is 2 per bedroom plus one. So even a four bedroom is not enough for them.

OP and her husband can change the locks and throw their stuff out, as long as none of them are on the lease. Whoever is on the lease can live there. No one else except minor children of the lease holders. And with a one bedroom, the three of them would be max occupancy.

I wish them luck and a stiff backbone. They are going to need it. Frankly I am surprised the husband hasn't bailed on this trainwreck.
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