never done this before just looking I think for someone to tell me to smarten up. My dad went in hospital april 7th 2007, Very Very healthy man, had anyerism, he is parilized now, and partially blind, in a nursing home, and for what he has gone through doing outstanding. Getting ready to go back home. he will receive 45 hours a week nursing care, and one of my sisters has found she hopes a caregiver for a few hours a week as well. She lives across the street from him but runs a daycare, another sister works full time, and another sister does seasonal work. I am retired have been for two years. I am 52. My dad has made it know that I am retired and therefore can pretty much be there when ever, I am about twenty to thirty minutes away, I am married my husband is not impressed with that notion and neither is my 31 year old daughter who is also ;married with two children of her own. I am always been active in my daughters and grandchildrens life, but as of the last year have not been able to be, he has always been two to three hours away one way. We have done the trip in the beginning three times a week then twice now one as he is six hours away round trip. I live in NH alot of snow up here!! I finally spoke up to two of my sisters, and said I did not want to do the butt cleaning thing and I did not want to be spending all my life taking care of him and I had concerns about him comeing home safty wise. One sister did not care as long as he came home we could deal with the problems later, (meaning me) I am the oldest. I feel selfish, bad, uncareing. you name it I feel it. I spend nights crying over this and it has even started yet I am scared.
sorry so long. I could go on quite a bit more. its ok give me hell.

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Dear Failed,

Been doing this for 20 years. My dad also had a stroke 20 years ago, when my first baby was born. Been helping with his care and he is still alive and kicking after 20 years. My advice is don't even get into this care giving thing. If he needs to be in a nursing home, thats where he should be.

Eight years ago, my dad had another stroke and the hospital urged us to put him in a nursing home. My mom took him home and I became the runner. My mom was only 20 minutes away, but I went there 5 or 6 times a day. From putting him in pajamas, to helping clean him up after eating, etc. I have never had a real life with my children. They have grown up watching me run back and forth to take care of my mom and dad. Now we have all lost our homes in Hurricane Katrina and they live with me. I thought this would be easier than going back and forth, but it is the worse possible thing that could ever happen.

I have become totally resentful and now hate my parents. I cannot stand the site of them. If you have thoughts of not wanting to do this, don't even start.

Hope I don't sound too harsh, just don't lay a guilt trip on yourself, most of us who are caregivers don't have a life. If your sisters are going to definitely take turns with you, I say go ahead and do your part. If you are going to be the main caregiver, they will rely on you solely. Choose wisely what you do and get it straight with them now. My brothers don't help at all and don't feel a bit bad about it.

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I'm fairly new to this site and was reading past postings and your situation really pulled at my heartstrings and I wonder how you are doing,before getting on this site I use to feel sorry for myself and now feel really blessed. I am glad you were able to stand up to your sisters is it possible for your Dad to stay in the nursing home it sounds to me that is where he needs to be to get the care he really needs, your sisters want him home but is that realistic since it sounds like you have been chosen to be his main caregiver - 45 hrs a week of home care is not that much not even two days out of seven. My husband is very close to needing a nursing home full time, we have had to call 911 more than 40 times in the last couple of years and he has been in rehab 10 times in the last 5-6 years. When I can no longer do this it will have to be a nursing home--We only can do what we can do and your sisters and Dad will have to accept- you really need to consider you and your husband and daughter and her family-you are not selfish, bad or un caring and I do hope you are still checking the postings and are able to get encourgement from this great group of women who have so many tribuations of their own and are able and willing to hold us all up when we are down-in just the short time I have been on this site it has been amazing to see some go from overwhelming dispair to being able to cope and do what needs to be done
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