I'm the daughter of my father, who has acute dementia.
We put him into a nursing home last year after he fell and broke his hip at home while my mother was at work.
My mother has always been in denial about my dad's memory loss. She left him at home alone for two or three years while he was going through serious mental degeneration. He wanted to stay at home, but it was clear he was not safe. He once got into a car accident because he tried to drive to his old house about 45 minutes away. And yet, she left him home alone for two more years.
I eventually convinced her to get him a day nurse to come in and help him with things - apparently he got to the point where he would forget to eat.
She cannot deal with it, she is in total denial. I have had to convince her and guide her hand for every health decision he has needed. I had to convince her that a nursing home was his best option and find the home with her.
I am 24. I just graduated school. I'm trying to start my life. I moved away from our hometown for my career. I just want to be successful. But I feel like my mother can't take care of herself or make good decisions for my father.
I feel so guilty now for being away from home. And I feel like every time my career doesn't go well it makes me wonder why I"m not back at home. This is tearing me apart and hurting me.
Why were my parents so selfish to have me so old? Where can I find other people my age going through anything remotely similar? Why has all of the responsibility fallen on my shoulders, and yet no one in my family even recognizes it or thanks me and treats me with gratitude?
Why can't my mom overcome her denial? Is it my duty to keep making things right, silently? I am afraid if I don't guide things, the end of my father's life will be unpleasant.
This whole thing has made me think of my mom as weak and that makes me very sad. I'm all torn up.
Hugs to you, justwant2help. Others have given you some very good advice. Keep talking and venting. We'll be here to listen.
This is a great place to vent. We get it. And we get an occasional outburst doesn't mean giving up or not loving the people we care for.
Occasionally there are other very young caregivers on this site, often caring for a grandparent or an aunt, etc. I'm not sure how you'd search for that but perhaps you'll come across them while browsing. You are not alone, but you probably feel isolated.
I'll say to you what I often say to the other young caregivers: There are very specific developmental tasks you are intended to complete in this stage of your life. Just as a baby learns to crawl and a toddler learns to walk, certain things happen in a given order. This is your time to establish the basis for your working life. You may change your career several times throughout you life, but the foundation starts now. This is a time for establishing the basis of your adult social life, for finding out (often by trial and error!) what kind of individuals support you and bring out your capacity to support them. This is when you find a life partner, or decide not to. I hope you can do all this and be helpful to your parents as well. But you need to balance things so that helping your parents doesn't interfere greatly with what you need to be doing in your own life.
Is Dad now in a NH? How long ago did that start? Is your mother's need for your guidance been reduced somewhat?
For a person with dementia to be in denial can work out OK. For the primary caregiver -- for the spouse -- to be in denial, OMG, that seldom works out well. I am hoping that now that Mom doesn't have day-to-day responsibility for Dad's health care that life will settle down for you. Please keep us informed!
You know that courage is not the absence of fear -- it is taking appropriate action in spite of fear. That is kind of how guilt feelings work. You cannot let the unearned guilt feeling (or fear of feeling guilty) dictate your decisions and actions. Continue to do the best you can, and push the guilt to the background.
1. Use the internet and find out info on the Aging care or Senior center for your mom's hometown. Call them or visit them (just you) and get some information on counseling, support services, etc. for your mom.
2. Have the one on one with your mom; tell her that you are starting in your career and won't be able to help with day to day responsibilities; provide her with the contact info for the senior center and encourage her to attend counseling and support groups.
3. Can you contact a close friend/relative/clergy of your mom's that you feel comfortable asking for help in approaching or supporting your mom?
4. Move forward with your life. Realize you are not responsible for your mom's perception of her situation -- neither can you change that no matter how rational you sound. Parents will always want to be the parent/adult and think they know best. (I'm 56 and feel like I'm 12 everytime I'm with my dementia mom -- she refuses all help and good judgement).
6. One great piece of advice I got on this site and it has saved me "We are not responsible for our parents decisions. Parents have the right to make their own decisions; even if it is a bad one". My mom is making many bad decisions these days; I counsel her but I am learning to accept her decisions, even bad ones.
6. Find a local senior center in your area (where YOU live) and check in with the director to see what counseling or support groups might be available for you. Attend if you can -- it will help your guilt.
7. Come back to this forum and vent all you need. We're here and wishing you well. Live life and love it; you deserve it and it is your right.
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