How can I manage having my dad at my daughter's high school graduation?

There is no need for you to feel guilty about allowing your daughter (and you) to enjoy her accomplishment.

You can and should feel sad that your dad is so diminished. But you didn't cause this decline, so no guilt.

Have a special event before and/or after that will be manageable for dad. If he gets upset, say "sorry, Dad, I can't manage the logistics".

Just tune out his grumbling after that.

You'd be wrong TO invite your father to your daughters graduation knowing the ugly outcome beforehand! Let common sense prevail by warding off a disaster and allowing your daughter her special day. Take some videos for dad he can look at AFTERWARDS. A crowded stadium is no place to bring an angry elder w dementia under any circumstances. It gives me anxiety just thinking about such a thing, tbh. When mom was in memory care AL, we took all celebrations to HER as a way to keep control over a potentially runaway situation where her emotions and fears could and would change on a dime.

Have fun and allow yourself that opportunity.

This is a no brainer! He stays home. Your daughter comes first. All of you deserve to enjoy her special day.

Take photos and share them with him afterwards. If he grumbles, too bad. It’s your daughter’s day, not his.

One of my good friends did not invite her mom to her wedding because she would have ruined the wedding. Her mom still complains to everyone about not being invited many years later.

Everyone has told her mom that she would have been invited if she hadn’t tried to run the show and be the center of attention.

She was selfish and couldn’t allow her daughter to plan her special wedding day. I find it despicable when a mother tries to compete with her daughter.

Show your daughter that it is her special day and that you wouldn’t risk ruining it for anything in the world.

Don't do it. I let my mother talk me in to taking her to my son's high school graduation, even though she was not feeling well. I won't go into detail, but it was a disaster. A friend later said to me "just because you can doesn't mean you should". I learned to live by that motto.

I told this story before and it needs repeating. I went to a graduation party for a relative of my husband. Neighbor lady was there as her son had graduated too. Her elderly mother lives with them and they took her to the graduation. In the middle of it she declares she is too hot and wants to go home so neighbor lady takes her. By the time she got back she missed her son graduating. I never heard a scarier story in my life and I resolved then and there that my father would not be attending my kids' graduation. We'd take him to dinner afterwards but there would be no way we could have him at the graduation. He too would have some medical emergency to switch the focus on himself. I was not about to miss out on a once in a lifetime moment in my child's life because a senior felt their comfort/wants were the priority.

Don't bring him to the graduation. There comes a time in dementia when the person cannot be taken out anymore.
Your father doesn't sound like he's quite there yet, but he does sound like he's at the point where he could not handle a big crowd.
I'm going to speak plainly to you. He will be an embarrassment to your daughter and your family. If he already has anger problems and issues with inappropriate behavior and comments, what do you think is going happen in a stadium full of people?
God forbid if one of the graduates getting a diploma isn't attractive. Or maybe there's overweight students graduating? Or students of different races and colors?
Don't ruin their day. Leave him at home.

I had a similar problem where my mother in law makes everything about her. She wanted us to drive 4 hours in the opposite direction to pick her up . Then drive back retracing our drive a total of 11 hours to go to my child's college graduation. Plus we knew if we took her with us she would have fallen trying to get to a seat in the indoor stadium or at some other point. It is a very large university, a lot of walking and she needs, but refuses to use a walker, scooter, wheelchair etc. We told her that it was a big graduation class and therefore seating was limited to parents and siblings up to 4 tickets total. So my husband and I, my son and daughter in law were able to enjoy the weekend with my daughter. And it was only a 3 hour drive to get there from our home (instead of the 11 hours it would have been). A few weeks later we drove out to my mother in law and took her out to dinner locally to celebrate again.

DoingMyBest - you told Countrymouse that your daughter is worried that her grandfather will "freak out" and make you miss the ceremony.

I can completely understand why she is worried - and honestly - this answer is all I really need to know. SHE doesn't want him there. That should be what you go by. SHE is worried that YOU will miss her walk across the stage. It won't matter if you miss it or not. It won't matter if your eyes are on her the entire time. Because if he is there - she will spend the ENTIRE ceremony - worrying that you have been pulled away. She won't know until AFTER whether you were able to see her graduate. Because her entire ceremony will be spent - for her - worrying. Which means - if he is there - for her - the entire ceremony will probably be ruined - she won't enjoy it. Even if you and the rest of the family do. And that's not really fair to her.

If I'm honest - she may worry anyway - whether he is there or not - because she may worry that your phone will ring and he will be calling and need you. Or that he may have to go to the ER at just the wrong moment. Or any number of reasons why he could interrupt her graduation. But at least this particular fear you can put at ease ahead of time.

Dear DMB73,
A few short years ago I was in your shoes. My son was graduating from high school and I did not want to be caretaker for my parents on that day. I just didn't want to deal with them and enjoy a huge event in my child's life. In my case, my son asked me to not bring them so I respected his request. Yes, there was a major senior brat meltdown but I stood my ground. If you are frustrated
by your dad's behavior so is your daughter. She is tired of grandpa too. You know your dad's limitations. Let your dad be upset and do what you would like to do. Don't let him ruin your daughter's day.

I can’t think of anything more miserable for all of you than hoping he’ll sit through a commencement ceremony. The only good thing about graduations is when “our graduate” walks across the stage. The rest of it - big snore zzzzzzzzzz. Especially for a dementia patient. Make other plans for gramps even if you have to fib. Go and enjoy. Then have a nice home party a few days later where graduate can don cap and gown for pix with gramps before he falls asleep in the recliner.