How can I make her shut the heck up?

I realize that sometimes you can lose it after so long of hearing the same thing. I actually laughed out loud at your suggestion of playing Hip Hop music for grandma, but I actually took it as a joke which I feel sure you did too. I don’t know how old you are, butIt takes a very strong person to be a caregiver. That doesn’t make you a bad person. We all have our own lives and sometimes having to give them up is more than we can do. Hang in there girl!

I realize that sometimes you can lose it after so long of hearing the same thing. I actually laughed out loud at your suggestion of playing Hip Hop music for grandma, but I actually took it as a joke which I feel sure you did too. I don’t know how old you are, but
It takes a very strong person to be a caregiver. That doesn’t make you a bad person. We all have our own lives and sometimes having to give them up is more than we can do. Hang in there girl!

Hi Mejjy11,

Your description of your caregiving situation states that you are caring for your grandmother, living at home and the primary problem is mobility limitations.

Can you please expand on the situation a little bit?
-Are you the only caregiver and the only other person in the house?
-How old are you?
-Why do you state so surely that your grandma doesn’t suffer from dementia?
-Does she suffer from any other illnesses aside from mobility problems?

Why do I ask? Because the answers may help us help you.

I’ll admit that the part where you say that your grandma started reading out loud the answers to the cross puzzle to kind of cover up the noise which she then realized she was making which you have made clear to her that bothers you to an extreme, is very sad and even pathetic. She was ashamed and felt guilty for doing something she cannot help. Have you thought she might be even afraid of you?

How would you handle it if it was a child with nervous tics? Would you feel sorry and worried for the kid and try to help him or her, or would you lose your patience?
Just so you know, the fact that you are making a big deal out of it might be making the situation worse. People make those noises or acquire nervous tics as a defense against anxiety, so the more you complain and make her feel bad about it, the worse the anxiety gets and the more she makes the noise, NOT because she WANTS TO, but because she CANNOT HELP IT. 
I think you both are caught into a vicious cycle.

Please know she’s not doing this to you, yet she might be getting worse BECAUSE of you, and your lack of understanding of how to handle the situation. It may be not your fault, as i know you’re not trying to hurt her purposely, but it’s definitely not a good situation for neither of you.

Someone said that this is the easiest problem you’ll face as a caregiver, and it definitely is! So please reassess your situation, because I can tell you love your grandma and feel sorry for yelling at her, but this also shows your level of patience is no where near where it needs to be to care for an elderly person. Everyone is different and not all of us are built for it. Accepting your limitation is a great step towards helping and loving your grandma the way you should, meaning not being the sole or direct caregiver and not sharing a home with her, if the situation allows.

Try to find compassion in your heart for your grandma, read your comment and you’ll realize that people here may be responding harshly because what you wrote seems very harsh too. It’s your grandmother, and she’s reached a point -that you too will reach- where she needs understanding love, not harsh criticism.

If you ever feel like yelling at her again count to ten, take a deep breath or walk away, but don’t yell at her.

So, about the noise? Buy a CD with NY noises or download it online...play it for a couple of hours and you’ll be hoping your grandma comes around with her noises! 😂 A little humor from someone that lived in NY and knows that one needs to learn to mentally block certain uncomfortable noises, people or situations..of which you’ll have plenty in life!

My mother ‘hummed’ my whole life when she was puttering around the house. It got on my nerves when I was a teenager but after that I stopped paying attention to it. She’s 86 now and I noticed she is humming again. It’s OK, I was just surprised a nervous habit could still hang around like that. I’m glad she’s able to do it, she has dementia. She speaks very well she just gets confused a little, all dementia patients get confused and doesn’t realize she is doing the humming.

I never once screamed at her in 64 years, why don’t you realize everything isn’t about you!

What your grandma is doing is not uncommon. My 88-year-old Mom whistles (really just pushes air through pursed lips) with no identifiable tune coming out! She also coughs a lot. She has had this cough for 25 years that I know of and, of course, has been to the doctor numerous times where this was reported. Both of these "habits" drive me crazy! I know the "whistling" is most likely a soothing mechanism for her but that does not make it any less annoying. I try to focus on something else and let her self-soothe. Things could be a whole lot worse!

My mothet hummed. As the days went on she got louder. I was told it was anxiety thing. She was given meds for it. Grandmom says it calms her. Maybe playing some music may help. Call her doctor.

I think everyone here was being very harsh too. Just because Grandma can't help it doesn't make it any less frustrating. My father says "HUH?" after everything I say...even when he does hear me. Nothing aggravates me more than to have to repeat myself constantly. Luckily I don't have to live with him and can escape.

I would put on noise canceling headphones and just make a point of checking in on grandma every 30 minutes.

My mom does something similar and she doesn't realize it..we determined that it was a comfort measure. You won't be able to stop it..so best to learn to live with it.

Wow, you have gotten some really harsh replies. I think you came here for support and help... all I can say is that elderly people don't change. You have to change your reaction to your grandmother. It's easier said than done, I know. Good luck, I hope you feel a little better venting here. Just try to find ways to cope with this - one day there will be silence when she is gone, and you might just miss those sounds.

My mom clears her throat a lot ..to be honest I just ignore it ..I’ve been anurse so long I’m use to annoying sounds ..I think your gram might find it soothing to make those sounds ...I’m sorry you yelled at her I know it’s frustrating..we are only human ,..but I don’t think playing loud hip hop would help .. where are your Mom and dad and you seem young to be a caregiver...I know it’s hard but patience and kindness are always the answer ...maybe she is lonely....be grateful for your time with her she won’t be here forever ...maybe spend some time with her talk to her about her years growing up , look at old pictures with her ...redirect her ..give her hugs ..don’t be vindictive...please don’t give her a taste of her own medicine,,,hugs and prayers your way ,

Why aren't her own adult children looking after her? You may be too young for this job?

Your outburst is completely understandable.

If I were in your shoes, that constant annoying sound would drive me nuts, too. It's like Chinese water torture. One drop at a time on the head constantly every few seconds for days and days until the person goes mad.

Solutions: find other place to live, or wear headphone to block the noise out. Your grandmother can not change. If anything, she'll get worse with her habit.

You say she can call or page you? Put your phone on vibrate and throw on some earphones or earplugs.

Zero criticism here. I live with annoying sounds , activities. Haven’t screamed “shut up “. Because I go to the grocery store or pharmacy or wherever. Small escape. But it helps.

I’m no expert on these sounds, and just starting to investigate the "self soothing" aspects of dementia. But she’s told you it’s comforting to her, so may be playing soothing music for her would shift her focus from inside her head to something else. There are many albums that can be downloaded to a player if you search for soothing music. Also my step daughter just made a figet muff for my mom with some doodads to play with when she’s experiencing sundowners. We havent tried it yet but it’s supposed to be soothing.

Put yourself in her place. How would you like someone to handle this and treat you if (or when?) you are afflicted with the same behavior?

Mejjy, because of certain medications my mother had what pharmacists describe as an irritating dry cough.

Of course the pharmacists mean that the cough irritates the patient. If they were talking about what it did to the patient's captive audience (me) they would describe it instead as an abso-f***ing-lutely infuriating teeth-clenching I-can't-take-this-any-longer cough.

I also had a grandmother who used to hum whole piano concertos. Was she aware she was doing it? I don't think she fully can have been, she was just paying more attention to what was going on inside her head than to what was going on around her.

And the last time I had to write copy to a deadline there was an evasive housefly in the room. Stressed? Me? No, I just like to curl up in a corner, suck my thumb and cry.

So I really, really do sympathise with your (pretty harmless, actually) outburst. Where I take issue is with your supposition that your grandmother can help this if she tries. M'n. Doubt it.

What your grandmother is doing is a kind of self-soothing. The noise, presumably, creates a pleasant sensation which she finds comforting. So although no doubt - if she were prepared to pay attention the whole time on what effect her sitting there and minding her own business might be having on you - she *could* not do it, how realistic is that? - not to mention how reasonable?

I don't know what the solution is. I detest repetitive noise myself so I honestly do feel for you. How about you go ahead with the noise-cancelling headphones and just check in on her on a stricter schedule?

All of a sudden you found yourself yelling "shut up" and didn't realize you were yelling until you were actually doing it.

So apparently you understand that you can make sounds that are not intentional, but you don't believe that can happen to your grandmother?

How is it that you are caregiving for this annoying old lady?

Maybe she is spending too much time alone and needs more socialization

Buy some noise-isolating over ear headphones and play something, or just wear them so you don't hear the sounds you don't want to hear. Older people make noises as a way of self soothing. I think that's why they do it. My grandmother did it, and my father did it, and it drove me nuts. But. You need to figure out a way to deal with it on your end and not yell at your grandmother.

Maybe everyone is being kind of harsh. The hip hop comment you made is maybe a bit juvenile but otherwise I think we all have experienced an annoying habit. Not even with someone we are caring for.

As far as what you can do about it. Just learn to live with it I guess.

All of the above.

Everybody has habits that annoy other people.  Not even you are exempt.  And, the older you are, the more time you've spent reinforcing your habits, so it's more difficult to change them.

Learning to deal with other people's habits in a respectful and cooperative manner is essential, if you hope to ever have healthy relationships with any workmates, roommates, boyfriends, girlfriends, spouses, and/or children you may have in the future.

(PS - This is the easiest part of caregiving an elderly person you will ever have to deal with.)

Doesn’t sound like you’re up for live in caregiving. That’s not a criticism, it’s not for everyone. I hope you’ll look into other arrangements for your grandmother before the situation becomes something completely wrong and unfair to you both

She may not be aware that she is doing it until you point it out. But it also does not sound like you are up for long term caregiving. Your reaction is quite extreme and your plan to give 'her a dose of her own medicine' is immature. There are a great many parts of caregiving that are annoying, intrusive and generally interrupt the daily lives of caregivers.

Buy earphones. And grow up.