How can I legally declare my husband with dementia?

VA has linked exposure to Agent Orange with dementia in later years. The exposure status is based on whether a servicemember was in certain locations, including Vietnam, during certain years. I say that to say there may be a basis for a dementia diagnosis. Search for Agent Orange Exposure on va.gov as compensation and assistance are involved.

Whether or not your husband meets the exposure criteria, you should definitely talk to his doctor. Of course it helps if someone else has noted his behavior and confusion. Screening for mental illness has become part of a primary care doctor's responsibilities in recent years. And medication can be prescribed for combative behavior. Get his medical care team - and VA Social Work - onboard ASAP.

The process for getting guardianship is long and a bit stupid (we had to have a doctor fill out a generic disability form that the State required; one question asked how long the disability was expected to last! Um, it's DEMENTIA).

The legal process includes having a lawyer talk with your husband privately to establish how present he is. In what I saw with my dad's case, it's mostly a token objection to having someone else legally put in charge of a person's finances and care.

Please make use of this forum for virtual hugs, commiseration, and practical advice. Being a caregiver is a tough job but you're in good company here.

It is time now to move at LEAST you Social Security check to a separate account. You can go to a bank to open this account with your Social Security information and the current account number and institution. Start there which puts at least SOME of your assets into your bank.
Do you have a will? Does that will have a Spring Durable Power of Attorney in it? If so the document will say how many doctors are required to designate hour husband a no longer competent to safely manage family finances. As you have not been in habit of managing any yourself you may not be the one to safely take over Fiduciary actions for your husband and may need to hire on a Fiduciary after your husband's diagnosis.
Of course this is all AFTER STEP ONE which is the diagnosis. Otherwise you may be down to divorce and division of assets. See an Elder Law Attorney at once. My hope is that you are at least capable and have been allowed to sign checks so that you can pay for this. If not it is relatives and begging or borrowing the amount needed to do this. You may need to do a legal separation of assets if not a divorce. An uncooperative man such as this may end in the arms of the State for management. Sadly.
Quite honestly there is no time to delay. As your husband descends into dementia more and more there is no way of knowing what scams he may invest in which puts your money as well as his at risk.

First of all immediately contact an Eldercare attorney to see about a Power of Attorney or Guardianship and what you need to do to protect yourself. Second, you can't declare him incompetent - only the doctors can do that. Immediately get him to the appropriate doctor and also contact social services via the local Office on Aging. This is a terrible situation and you must get help and control at once. Do not wait. And I have said it before - people cannot wait for this to happen. While things are good both parties must sit down and all papers and plans made for what could happen down the road. When dementia sets in, God help you. And if he is so hard to handle, what on earth is the reason you would keep him home so he can destroy you and you life - place him once you are safe.

I would think the first step would be to have your family practice doctor evaluate him. Usually a family doctor will only go as far as diagnosing "cognitive impairment" but could recommend a full evaluation based on this. Of course getting him to go is where it gets difficult. If he is combative toward you he might have a like attitude toward a doctor. While you are still living with him or until he does something that brings other forces into the picture. It would seem your path is to get your VA primary care doctor to evaluate and schedule him for evaluation with their specialists. The VA could insist on an evaluation if the situation is clear that at least there is cognitive impairment which alone could be a legal tool to protect you and your husband. A court could force a full evaluation to be certain that he has dementia or not.

Is your husband getting any support from the VA?  If so, talk to his social worker; he/she might be able to reason with him.

Has he prepared his end of life documents, and if so, are you considered?   Do you think he would change these documents?

And if he is getting VA assistance, I would raise the issue with his primary VA doctor, or if he's getting care in the community, discuss it with his PCP.  Perhaps it's time to consider an intervention in his care.

The VA has also expanded its caregiver support; I would raise that as well, as there maybe some counseling available for dealing with your husband. 

Get some services involved . Speak with his primary care doctor and get healthcare proxy which you should have . Go to the bank and have him sign power of attorney and have that notarized . Just say ' if you get sick I have to take care of you . " speak with a elder attorney and get the will signed and assets protected . Get a good social worker for yourself . Have your doctor refer him to a neurologist for a psyche eval . It's a long process but one step at a time . Protect yourself . See if there are elder services has programs like meals on wheels or house cleaning . Try and get other family members involved to help give you a break. your life is worth something . Can you section off a part of the house for your own solitude and create a boundary where he is not allowed in ? like a office , art studio or gardening house . remember. Boundaries but please get your affairs in order and protect yourself .

Record as many of his episodes as possible. My Dad was able to fool the doctor and nurses for quite some time. I used my phone voice recorder to capture some of his delusional conversations. The doctor was convinced when he heard several discussions where Dad demanded I let the people behind the couch into the house.

I am sorry that your husband is being so difficult.

Having your husband being combative and threatening you in regards to money has got to be a bit scary!

Do you want to declare him incompetent? Is he? Has he been formally diagnosed with dementia?

Are you joint on the accounts? Do you also have the passwords or just him?

Are you willing to go to an attorney for advice? Are you willing to set up your own bank accounts that he does not have any control over? I'm sure that could be tricky but not sure how else you can get out from under his control.

Best of luck.

Speak with an attorney. Do you have joint ownership of the accounts? If not, this is one topic you should mention as a goal when you speak to the attorney.

Praying for you! What a distressing situation.
This forum really helped me realize I needed to get Power of Attorney papers in place. But that may be too late, not sure...Would your husb do it for for benefit? First thing I would suggest is call his primary doc and try to get him in to be evaluated. His behavior may be a sign or perhaps there is another reason....
Also consider getting a counselor for yourself , someone to talk this out with who knows dementia.
Thirdly, my husband also had controlled all things $ too, and letting go only happened when a neuropsych eval told him he needed to bring me in and help..
And when he was making mistakes he blamed others for a while.
Perhaps you can open your own savings or checking, and squirrel away some cash.
Perhaps he will put your name on the accounts " in case he gets ill and can't write checks."
If he loves you and he has cared for you in the past, perhaps you can show him your love and concern by saying you "want him to be able to take care of things like usual, but what if he is in a car accident? "
Best wishes,
Prayers for you