How can I keep my 91 year old father from being verbally abusive to my wife?

After ascertaining that he isn't ill (such as a UTI) then treat your wife to the respect SHE deserves. Have him move out.

I have the flip thing going on--my MIL is HORRIBLE to me. Always has been, but as she has aged, the filter is GONE. NO dx of dementia, just a more intensely angry personality. She will scream at me. Literally. And my Hubs just sits there, he will not say one word about treating me better and he never did--so we're at a stasis. I refuse to have one thing to do with her increasing needs, and I know I am needed, but I respect MYSELF even if my DH doesn't. He always tells me to be the 'bigger person' but when a 90 yo woman is screaming at you "I hate you! Shut up! Why are you even here?" What do I say back to her?

Not a word.

She is one fall away from being back in the NH she was in for a couple of months last year. She COULD stay home, if she would allow me and SIL to work out a CG schedule, but she has made that impossible. All her own fault.

YOUR WIFE should come first. If I were your wife, I would have left you guys alone quite a while ago. Bless your wife for putting up with a FIL with dementia.

Even KNOWING my MIL probably isn't 100% 'there' the simple fact that she is beyond nasty to me, doesn't make me feel sorry for her. Words HURT, whether they are from a 'broken brain' or a nasty disposition.

This is a problem you created by moving your Father w dementia into you & your Wife’s home ....& then making your Wife HIS CAREGIVER!!!
Wow! I’m surprised she hasn’t divorced you yet!!! If he has the funds, get him into ALF or memory care immediately. You may not have a marriage left if you continue with this situation. Good luck!

Not a good idea AT ALL to move dad into your home and expect your wife to be his caregiver. He needs facility living since he's being this acrimonious.

It may be time to place him in a assisted living facility.
It is not fair to your wife to be verbally abused by your father. Give him two options. Stay and be respectful or he will have to be placed in a faculty.
Is he aware of his behavior?

Out he goes. Your wife deserves better.

bzkfrl - Hi wondering how you are doing in this very difficult situation.

Yes, bzkfrl, do come back and let us know how you are dealing with this situation. We learn from one another and it is helpful to know what worked for someone.

No, there is no way to change your father. He has dementia. You are disrespecting your marriage by allowing him to abuse your wife. You are disrespecting yourself by allowing him to abuse your generosity of living in your home. Time to check out memory care and set a deadline to move your dad out. His care needs are only going to increase.

If you abuse him back ... it’s called elder abuse! It’s a no win having him in your home!

I am sorry you are going through this. You are not an unfit husband and son. You simply don't have clarity in this situation. I have been in a similar situation and still am. However, I am wondering if you and your wife could see it as an opportunity for growth on your part. I am merely suggesting and sharing my experience. My 95 yo mom has always been abusive, which is why my 4 siblings don't have anything to do with her; and why this started out to be a rough journey. But, now, my mom and I share a better relationship. Not because she changed, but because I did. It has taught me a lot about myself. In fact, the way I look at it now, is that she has made ME a better person, teaching me patience, kindness and love. It's a miracle for sure! I have always known that you can't change the behaviours of others, never mind ones who have dementia. So, I decided to use the situation to further my own growth and to help give her more peace at the ending of her life. She is now residing in a long-term care facility, but I see her everyday. You know the saying, distance makes the heart grow fonder. Let me know if you would like to know some of my strategies. You have reached out for help and the universe/God is answering you. Try to see the answers, rather than focusing on the problem. I know how hard that sounds to do, but it can be done and I have also helped others do the same.
So, my dear new friends, I commiserate with you and encourage you to shift away from the problems and seek guidance from the eternal. It truly is available if you seek it. I am living the miracle today. May you have peace that surpasses all understanding. Hugs to you and your family. Sending you love and light.
Bless you.

Hi there,
As many have stated, you can't change anyone's behavior except your own. This targeting and such directed towards your wife is either behaviors he's learned through the years or is part of his condition or more likely, both. One option would be to bring in a private caregiver while your wife is & is not present, for example. It would be enlightening to see how he treats a neutral party, and it would certainly offer insight to use in final decision making if you're still on the fence about getting him into ASL.
I believe someone mentioned it, but I would have a "nanny" cam (open or hidden) so that the facts are clear as there's a lot that goes on that we miss in the moment, especially when emotions are involved. Visual & auditory recordings can assist in that manner and in a vast array of areas such as documentation to support his health needs properly by having that very factual information to bring to his physician(s), and so much more.
However and with that said, I would personally remove him from your wife immediately. I try to explain to my patients and their families that one of the most effective ways to ruin a relationship is to move in with a family member or have the patient move in with them. This takes a toll on even the healthiest and loving of family environments - it's just a completely different dynamic when you reside together & relationships will change.
I feel that you'd be more neglectful if you didn't get him to a proper facility that's appropriately suited for his needs. The current situation is toxic to all involved, it seems. For his benefit, get him under the supervision of those trained to work with his condition and/or temperament. For your wife's benefit and your relationship, get this done straight away. As I'm sure you know and feel, your wife comes first and because he's your father, it's your responsibility to make it a priority.
Essentially, my advice is look at the facts and the positive aspects vs focusing on the negative - let the guilt go and instead, view putting him in an ASL community as what will best benefit him - all while ensuring your wife is safe and reassured by feeling comfortable and relaxed in her own home. In doing so, both of you can support him better all around.
It's not an easy task, I know but it sounds like it's in his best interest and you & your wife's. Take care & all the best!

You are caught in the middle but the short answer is that your wife comes first.

My mom lived with us. She never mistreated my husband but my relationship became strained. It still effected my husband. I did have to ask my mom to leave. Hard? Yes, it is! But we do what we have to do.

Best wishes to you and your family.

disgusted:: Thank you for your post.

How does your wife feel? I would honor her wishes. Also, I would talk to a dementia specialist as to the behaviors you might expect him to have with his dementia. Is this behavior lifelong or something new? If he has always been the kind of man to be verbally abusive, not much will change his behavior. Dementia is cruel in so many ways. Expecting your dad to have normal behavior with dementia may not be reasonable. Depending on the type of dementia and area of the brain affected can help you understand his behavior although understanding still doesn't make it any less difficult to handle.

My mother lived with my husband and I for 10 long yrs. I have been on the receiving end of her hostility for much of my life----but a few weeks ago she started on my husband. That was totally unacceptable to me, as he has given up so much for her to live with us during our retirement years. We had the rv and planned to travel among other things, when he retired. In the 50 yrs of our marriage he has been exceptionally good to her. I reached out to this group, and was advised to look up the word 'narcissist'. It describes her perfectly. She was placed in a behavioral center for 2 weeks for evaluation, and was put on the proper meds to calm her, and help with her severe depression, and dementia. Two days ago she was transferred to an assisted living residence. I will always make sure that she is well taken care of, but I had to make a tough decision, for the good of all of us. I just wish that I had been able to bring myself to do this a long time ago.

Where is the OP? Has he vanished?