How can I help my mother of 80 something to accept help from her home nurse?

I just need to make an additional comment here. Please don't automatically assume that because she's not getting up and helping with moving around that she's just not cooperating. As people get older they get very weak, especially if they're taking any type of antidepressants or medications. I had that problem with my husband. Previously he was all over the place, and it was dangerous. The doctor put them on ativan, and it worked wonderfully very well. However after a couple of weeks I noticed that he was getting weaker, until that final day he couldn't get up off of the couch. I assumed it was his medical condition. However in hindsight I now see it was because of the Ativan. I called the hospice team for him to go into respite for a short period of time, and he never came home. He died after 7 days and I feel just terrible about it, I don't think I can ever forgive myself for sending him there. Just be mindful of the effects of medications.

Is it possible that she is still having pain from the operation and doesn't trust anyone to move her?

Another reason could be that she's not comfortable around strangers. I had the same problem with my husband. He would not allow any of the home health care workers, or even the hospice nurse touch him. Towards the end he didn't even want me to touch him and that created a huge frustration and problem. Looking back on it now though, I can see that he just wanted to be left alone. Even though personal grooming was a necessity it meant giving up part of his dignity. If I was in that situation I probably would feel the same way. These are all challenges that are so difficult to handle and may eventually be out of our control completely. I wished you well.

Imho, your mother does NOT get to decide to refuse help. Prayers sent.

My mom refused nursing help for showers. I already do their housework and told her I’m not doing personal care. Period. My boundaries were set and in the meantime I got the ball rolling for help with showers. It took a month before everything was in place. My mom accepted help when she realized I stood firm.

I would tell your mother she has a choice: either she accepts in home help and gets back on her feet or she goes into Assisted Living or a Nursing Home to live b/c there is NO WAY you and your sister can or SHOULD be 'carrying her' around!!! She either does the physical therapy and cooperates or she moves into a wheelchair full time and lives in a place where they have a hoyer lift to move her around!

Truthfully, if she's still living in her own home at her age, with dementia and all these other issues going on, it's time to get her placed ANYWAY. Dementia issues tend to worsen after general anesthesia and they don't always get better with time, either. Not to mention dementia is progressive...........so things WILL go downhill from here. Stubborn behavior and argumentativeness only get worse with time too, as it has with my 94 y/o mother who suffers from moderate dementia.

When my 90 y/o father fell & broke his hip, he was never the same again & had to be moved into Assisted Living after becoming wheelchair bound. He did not have dementia but his mobility was forever compromised.

Wishing you the best of luck

Tslk to your mom and let her know that both you and your sister now have a bad back and either she does for herself or she lets the Nurse and or Caregiver help her.

Then Don't do a thing that will put any weight on your back

Immediately stop moving your mom, that's risky if not dangerous; you have no training; have the hospice nurse or other trained caregiver, CNA, etc. do it. The therapist should not leave unless and until your mom does some therapy. Don't accept refusal as a choice, as doing so reinforces this behavior.

You tell mom you're back is hurt and this other person in the room is there to help YOU not HER. Both you/sister have a chat with her when she is clear headed: These people get paid to lift/help/rehab you. Do you want to get better or do you want to go to a nursing home where you will probably never walk again?

Keep in mind that pain meds are probably being given to her and they can change her personality. If her behavior changed suddenly, ask them to check her for UTI. Very common problem in facility settings and after surgeries. You'd be surprised how quickly one can return to normal after getting a UTI under control.

Edit: It looks like you have her at home, not rehab. Talk to dr about getting her in rehab. Even if it means taking her to ER (with uncontrolled pain, or whatever reason) and then telling dr to discharge her to rehab. Usually easier to go from hosp to rehab than from home to rehab

I don't know if it is just being stubborn, or dementia, or anger from being dependent. She has to have care but if her needs are greatly impacting you and your sister and causing both of you physical harm as well as other problems, YOU must get very tough with her and lay down the rules that are to be obeyed. In her condition and age and behavior, YOU must take charge. If you have a nurse who can and will handle her, then she must be made to understand it is the duty of the nurse to help her and she MUST accept that and that you are physically unable to continue. Tell her she has a choice - do as told or she will be placed - and be prepare to do it. YOU must be firm and tough when they get like this or YOU will be destroyed. Do not let that happen. Good luck.

Seems mom needs to go to a rehab facility. In rehab the staff help her to move safely and she will get PT daily if not several times a day. They can give her pain medications before her PT so she has less pain. She will need to "work" and it will hurt a bit but she will be more mobile.

If mom refuses to go to rehab, she will be depend on others for her mobility. There is equipment you can rent or buy to make that easier for yourself. Ask doctor for PT referral for a home visit. PT can show you how to safely move mom to save your backs. PT can also give the best recommendations for assistive devices and instructions on using whatever you rent/buy.

One thing that might be happening...anesthesia can have lingering effects in the elderly. It can take months for the brain to get back to “normal”. There can be brain fog, depression, apathy, feelings of disconnection. The brain chemistry has been seriously disturbed. Many surgeons now understand the problem and use more local blocks and less general anesthesia, but it depends on the severity of the injury and surgery. Perhaps the doctor can prescribe some medication, like an antidepressant, to help her over this hump. Depression is common - anyone would be depressed if confined to bed and unable to move without help. A person who’s depressed - even a young healthy person - may not have enough energy to do anything but lie in bed. It’s worth trying to see if medication can help.

You tell mom that you and sister can not move her. If you move her in the wrong way you can injure her again or you or your sister can get hurt.
It is either accept help from the caregiver that you have hired or she goes to a rehab or assisted living facility. Those are her only choices.
The important thing is DO NOT BACK DOWN. If you are there and she has to get up for lunch say I will get Nurse Susan to help you. Then you go get Susan. If mom says "no I want you to help me" all you should do is leave the room.
She probably should have gone to a rehab facility but during these times I understand the concern of being in any facility. the doctor should order Physical and Occupational therapists and mom should comply. Tell mom that if she does not comply with the Therapy you and sister may have no option but to find an Assisted Living facility or hire a live in caregiver. It is just to dangerous for you both to help her. Worst case is mom will get injured as well as both of you.

Why can't she do her rehab in an in-house facility? We found a lovely AL facility for my mom that had rehab services on the premises. She loved it there and never moved out (until she died).

Don't risk ruining your back. Take care of yourself first! Let professionals do it and too bad what mom wants. Back off. Don't be there when nurses need to help her.

I agree with all here who say that she is not going to allow help until she is basically forced too. Tell her that the doctor told you and your sister you need a week of bedrest for your backs. Your mother will be pissed but she will not die and she will have to allow help. You really need to not be there for a few days. Why are you moving her anyway? She broke her hip, not her neck. You don't say how long ago this was. Did she go to rehab? You hired a nurse? A nurse who is letting her get away with this? Does she have care 24/7 or does she live with one of you.

She should be working with a therapist to teach her to get up and walk; or else she will be in wheelchair forever. If she did not go to rehab for therapy, she should qualify for therapy at home at least initially. My MIL had severe dementia when she broke her hip and she could never figure out how to use walker so she had to be in wheelchair.

Personality change is common after something like this type of fracture, but also, you might consider having her checked for UTI. In the elderly, they often don't have symptoms of burning or urgency but they have personality changes.

My home is my “cave”, my last chance to escape the world
and “hold up.”
i have had to relinquish much of my “cave” due to family members aging and/or having health problems.
I dread the day when strangers potentially come for me.
Can you give your mother a real or imaginary “safe place” of some kind?
I read about a mother of many kids who was able to make a safe place by pulling her apron over her head. Every one knew to leave her alone.
Maybe something like that would help your mom tolerate the nurses and therapists etc for a period of time . Her code to be left alone when the “ help” overwhelms her ?

You are enabling the behavior, so she won't change. Why should she. She wants you two to do it, and you are doing it. But what happens when you are permanently injured?
Did Mom go to rehab? If not, why not? Does Mom live with you?
If you Mom currently will not allow the participation of the nurse sit with Mom, Sis, Nurse and yourself and tell her "Mom, we can't do this anymore. Our backs are going out. If that happens you will be in care in one second. And Mom, do understand, if you cannot cooperate with a nurse sent to help you, then you will need to go to rehab, snf or other placement to get care, because we can't do it anymore. We understand you are hurting, exhausted and in fear over all this, likely depressed as well. We are sorry about that. And if you have to move into care we will grieve that, but there is honestly nothing we can do about these facts."
Protect yourselves. No one will do it for you.

It will take you backing off for her to accept help. My dad desperately didn’t want anyone in his home, but came to accept and even cherish his helper after we backed off. The helper was also excellent at winning him over, as many people who do this for a living are, having developed skills and tricks of the trade in working with seniors.

In your shoes, I would tell mom that I am no longer coming over to "help" each day because her care needs are for a medical professional, not an untrained daughter.

Visit, but don't help. If mom needs re-positioning, you step away and tell her that your doctor has ordered you to not do any more lifting.

Why would you and your sister risk life-altering injury to care for your mother when there is a nurse at her bedside?

Her wants do not outweigh your NEEDS.