I'm truthfully incapable of figuring out what to do anymore, if I could give my own life in exchange for my mother's little bit of peace at this point in her life, I would. But I really don't know what to do anymore. A little recap, I moved with my mom to care for her, I used to live in the US, had my career, my house, etc. no husband or kids, I'm 44, only child and sincerely overburdened with guilt.
Since I moved with my mom she had actually showed some signs of improvement as she's eating better (I cook) and not feeling as lonely. Then I had to go back to the US for 5 weeks to tak care of several things pending and came back last week. My mother is in a deepest depression now, she told me -and had before, several times- that she wants to die, desperately. When she opens her eyes she just feels sick because she's still alive. She said she's tried not eating, taking cold showers at midnight hoping to catch pneumonia, stopped taking pills (she takes her pills though, maybe she did that for a period of time).
Says that my decision to come here was a result of my immaturity and lack of character...I made that decision because firstly it was obvious she couldn't be alone anymore and second because she told me these exact words: "I feel abandoned, alone, left as a dog in the street with no one that cares about me". What would any other child have done after hearing that? Multiple attempts to hire help to care for her, nothing, no one works. Plus, overseas the resources are different and limited.
I know what could improve her life, she needs contact with other people, her and her thoughts alone have done great damage to both of us. But she has no one other than me. Her family and friends? Pushed away with her critical attitude ("it's the truth, it is their, your truth, why shouldn't I say it? Attitude). It's only me trying to bring a little window of peace to a person that is in a deep dark hole and doesn't seem to want out.
I'm dying too. She makes it clear, telling me "my truth" that I'm a failure, my life is a failure, but she wants me to correct that by going back to the US and starting to live...to then I'm sure tell me that she feels abandoned, left like a dog in the street.
It's my mom, I love her more than I can write her, more than my self love I guess, it breaks me into pieces to see that she'll likely die feeling SO miserable because I cannot figure out what to do to help her (refuses medical help too). I don't want my mom to be this sad..all I do just makes things worse..I feel incompetent yet I'm the only one that can make a decision.
If you see a light that I don't, please tell me!