How old is Mum and what is her mental and physical health like? Have you simply sat down and asked her what she thinks she needs both now and then? Somethings can be a help now, others like making sure you have POA for her going forward will wait a while. Talk to her.
My girlfriend is going through this right now, too. Her father has an inoperable brain tumor that despite chemo is growing again. He’ll be going into Hospice very soon, too.
My father is in the hospital after suffering a severe brain bleed and he may never be the same. My mother is completely lost. I’m helping by teaching her how the pay the bills, hiring lawn care services, snow removal for the winter, hiring a cleaning lady, organizing her house, teaching her how to meal plan and make a grocery list. Honestly, the list goes on and on.
Talk to your mother and ask her point blank what you can help her with. Listen to what overwhelms her and immediately pick it up and say, “I can help you with that!” My mother refuses to speak to mental health professionals, but the best thing I can do is validate all her feelings. When I’m around her, I put my big girl panties on, be the strong one she can lean and count on, and fall apart later when I’m on my own.
Sdline: Imho, in answer to your question, I think probably the best thing you can do to help your mother is to be there for her as much as is possible. You're very fortunate to have both your parents into their elder years; I did not as my father passed away from CAD at age 50.
Letting "Dad stay in his own home along with mom when he does Hospice" will likely only exacerbate your mom's trauma when dealing with her husband's passing. Witnessing a person you love die has got to be the most gut wrenching experience on earth, it really does. But, since you weren't asking advice about where to place dad but how to help your mom through the ordeal of his passing, I'll give you my take on it.
My parents were married for 68 years when dad passed. They lived in Assisted Living at the time, which turned out to be a good thing b/c my mother fits into category #1 that Christservant discussed in her comment: the social butterfly. I came by the apartment to stay with mom every day for the first week (at least) after dad passed, to make sure she was okay and eating, etc. Then I saw that she was packing up his clothing to donate to Goodwill, pretending they were HER clothes, so I knew she was over the worst of her 'mourning' at that point. So I stopped visiting and started calling her instead. She went back into the dining room and all of her friends gathered round her and commiserated with her, b/c they were widows and widowers too. I think THAT was the most helpful thing of all for her; to have all those other seniors to rally around and be with her. Having me to call her and vice versa may have helped too. But I have to say that my mother is not the type of person to 'mourn' anyone's passing, really. She's the type to move right along with her life, so I suppose that was helpful in her situation.
It depends on your mother's emotional state and whether you think she'll be devastated by this loss and how she'll handle it. Is she social? Is she a loner? Does she have a church group she's friendly with to lean on? Friends who can come by? What I've found helpful myself in the grief department is reading books on the subject of life after death, such as Proof of Heaven by Dr. Eben Alexander. Here's a link in case you're interested: https://www.amazon.com/Proof-of-Heaven-Eben-Alexander-audiobook/dp/B009UX6NGI/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2T47GNTNHY86B&dchild=1&keywords=proof+of+heaven+eben+alexander&qid=1631211104&sr=8-1
In my opinion, there is nothing more hopeful & inspiring than reading a story of someone's near death experience and journey into the afterlife to make me feel a lot more comfortable with the notion of death in general.
Wishing you courage and strength during a difficult time; for both you and your mother. Hugs and prayers being sent your way.
There are two types of men and women #1 the social butterflies. They love and need to be around others.
#2 the loners. We enjoy having a few friends but mostly enjoy being alone.
If your mother is in category # 1 she will need a lot of social help like family, friends and church. Be careful that she does not cling on to you though.
If your mother is in category # 2 she needs a call once a day to be reassured of your care but otherwise left alone.
To try to pressure a man or woman into a group they do not belong in will bring disastrous results.
I am a Hospice Volunteer. We visit with the patients to give caregivers some free time to shop or visit with friends etc. and we can also do errands for caregivers. We are non-medical helpers. My Hospice offers caregiver support meetings and also meetings to help people cope with the death of their loved one. We also have a nondenominational chaplain if needed. Hospice can provide support and comfort in many ways. The hospice nurse will help the caregiver understand proper administration of medications. Hospice service is a Medicare benefit. Please know that enrolling in hospice is Not a death sentence and many clients live beyond the 6 month period. It is possible to be off hospice if condition improves, and then re-enroll as needed. Hospice will also help caregivers obtain equipment to assist in care(e.g. a hospital type bed, incontinence products etc.) Please encourage your mother to seek hospice help via the physician in charge of Dad's care.
There is also 'Palliative' Care which Medicare pays for. Tell your father's doctor you want this. It's an 'extra' layer of support for the patient AND the family. I didn't know about this until a nurse mentioned it to me. This nurse used to work for Palliative Care. Many doctors don't mention it unless you ask (for some odd reason). Palliative Care is usually provided by the same 'hospice' company. Palliative will help you transition your father into Hospice. Please check into this. Blessings.
I think the best way to handle it is let Dad stay in his own home along with mom when he does Hospice. You can get A Nurse to visit the home 2-3 times a week and an Aide 3 times a week for bathing or bed baths.
If Dad has been in the Military, you can get up to 30 hrs Free of Caregiver help.
Find ways to help her streamline the everyday tasks of her life. She will most likely want to spend "these last couple of days" - which may be longer than she or you expect - being with your dad. That means that things like cleaning, cooking, bills, home repair, yardwork... will not seem important. Help her to find others or other ways of freeing her from these tasks. She may need help with this for weeks to months after dad passes.
Make sure she takes care of herself every day. Make sure she bathes, eats 3 healthy meals, sleeps 7-9 hours, and gets a little time away from the bedside to get fresh air and sunshine. If need be, help her create several days worth of outfits so she wears something fresh every day.
Mental health tasks will mostly be listening and encouraging her to share her feelings with you. You aren't responsible for "fixing" anything but allowing her to process what she is experiencing. It might help to remember Dr. Kubler-Ross's stages of grief: denial (feeling as if this isn't real), anger (feeling as if this isn't fair), bargaining (feeling that "doing something" will bring life back to normal), depression (feeling sad that this is happening), and finally acceptance (feeling peace about the situation).
Tactfully and gently, try to get her to focus on the legal and financial aspects of life after your dad passes. Is there already pre-paid funeral arrangements or do you need to help her with those tasks? How will the finances change after dad is gone? Is there life insurance and who is the policy with? Who is the medical insurance with since he will need to removed from the policy after death? Are all the banking and financial accounts in her name as well as dad's? If not, get her added to the accounts so they become hers when he dies.
A good hospice will have a chaplain that will be available to talk to your mom and help her through the grief process. They are available up to a year after the loved one passes. So many people do not take advantage of this.
My mom died at 64 of brain cancer and left my dad a widow at 69. He was very lonely and a bit lost. But dad did go to senior dances and mixed with people and that helped. You might want to talk to your mom about who she is involved with. Does she go to church or temple? Does she have a group of ladies she does things with socially? If so, reach out to these people and let them know that your dad is on hospice and ask for their support while she goes through this and after.
A wonderful lay ministry that is based on listening and companionship is called Stephen Ministry. Many local churches offer this. I was trained as a Stephen Minister and went on to be a Stephen leader who trained others in our church. If her church has one, she can ask for a SM to be assigned to her. We are trained to walk with people through a situation like death. If her church doesn’t have this then another church might and she can ask for one through them. You don’t have to belong there. To find a local church go to the website Stephenministries.org and you can look up by city and state. Best to you in this journey.
Be aware that Home Hospice the care is left up to family. An Aide comes maybe 3x a week to bathe. May stay longer if Mom needs time to run errands but Hospice will need to know this in advance. A nurse maybe there 3x a week but should be available 24/7. If Mom suffers from anxiety, this will be overwhelming for her. She will be responsible to see he gets his meds and Morphine.
After Dads passing allow Mom to learn how to be alone. You can let her come for a visit or visa versa but don't make it a long one. She has to get back to life. You do not want to disable her. You do not want her making you the center of her life.
Ask her what you can do for her. Talk to the Hospice Social Worker. Discuss your concerns and encourage your mom to as well. Hospice will also have a Chaplain available if you and your mom wish to talk about concerns to them. Is your mom willing to talk with a therapist? If so it might be a good idea to start having discussions now. You mention she has anxiety. Is she seeing anyone? Is she on medication? If so her doctor would be a good one for her to talk to. You can look up the differences between Grief, Mourning and Depression. Some signs, symptoms are the same so it can get difficult to tell the difference.
Best way to know how to help someone is to ASK them. "What can I do for you?" and then do it.
Be there for her, physically and emotionally. Be aware of your own grief and treat yourself gently.
When daddy was on hospice, I would frequently spell mom and let her take off to shop or just get out of the house. I loved these quiet afternoons with daddy.
Sometimes mom had her hair done, sometimes she went to lunch with a friend. Since dad was on morphine, he mostly slept, so she could go and not worry.
I do think this helped her deal with his death. She wasn't worn to a frazzle caring for him.
One thing--as close to my dad as I was--I didn't show a lot of emotion around mom. I'd cry the whole way home, but not in her presence.
I still look upon that time (17 years ago!) as being some of the most precious times in my life. I think I helped mom, she never said anything. But she also handled dad's passing with grace and dignity.
Thank you. This was very helpful and seems the closest to my situation. She hasn’t decided to do hospice yet. He is still in hospital with iv fluids and antibiotics hoping to turn infection around. She never asks for help even when asked what I can do. She told me I didn’t need to come, but I did anyway. So I’m just here with her along with my brother and sister.
Have you simply sat down and asked her what she thinks she needs both now and then? Somethings can be a help now, others like making sure you have POA for her going forward will wait a while. Talk to her.
My father is in the hospital after suffering a severe brain bleed and he may never be the same. My mother is completely lost. I’m helping by teaching her how the pay the bills, hiring lawn care services, snow removal for the winter, hiring a cleaning lady, organizing her house, teaching her how to meal plan and make a grocery list. Honestly, the list goes on and on.
Talk to your mother and ask her point blank what you can help her with. Listen to what overwhelms her and immediately pick it up and say, “I can help you with that!” My mother refuses to speak to mental health professionals, but the best thing I can do is validate all her feelings. When I’m around her, I put my big girl panties on, be the strong one she can lean and count on, and fall apart later when I’m on my own.
My parents were married for 68 years when dad passed. They lived in Assisted Living at the time, which turned out to be a good thing b/c my mother fits into category #1 that Christservant discussed in her comment: the social butterfly. I came by the apartment to stay with mom every day for the first week (at least) after dad passed, to make sure she was okay and eating, etc. Then I saw that she was packing up his clothing to donate to Goodwill, pretending they were HER clothes, so I knew she was over the worst of her 'mourning' at that point. So I stopped visiting and started calling her instead. She went back into the dining room and all of her friends gathered round her and commiserated with her, b/c they were widows and widowers too. I think THAT was the most helpful thing of all for her; to have all those other seniors to rally around and be with her. Having me to call her and vice versa may have helped too. But I have to say that my mother is not the type of person to 'mourn' anyone's passing, really. She's the type to move right along with her life, so I suppose that was helpful in her situation.
It depends on your mother's emotional state and whether you think she'll be devastated by this loss and how she'll handle it. Is she social? Is she a loner? Does she have a church group she's friendly with to lean on? Friends who can come by? What I've found helpful myself in the grief department is reading books on the subject of life after death, such as Proof of Heaven by Dr. Eben Alexander. Here's a link in case you're interested:
https://www.amazon.com/Proof-of-Heaven-Eben-Alexander-audiobook/dp/B009UX6NGI/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2T47GNTNHY86B&dchild=1&keywords=proof+of+heaven+eben+alexander&qid=1631211104&sr=8-1
In my opinion, there is nothing more hopeful & inspiring than reading a story of someone's near death experience and journey into the afterlife to make me feel a lot more comfortable with the notion of death in general.
Wishing you courage and strength during a difficult time; for both you and your mother. Hugs and prayers being sent your way.
#2 the loners. We enjoy having a few friends but mostly enjoy being alone.
If your mother is in category # 1 she will need a lot of social help like family, friends and church. Be careful that she does not cling on to you though.
If your mother is in category # 2 she needs a call once a day to be reassured of your care but otherwise left alone.
To try to pressure a man or woman into a group they do not belong in will bring disastrous results.
If Dad has been in the Military, you can get up to 30 hrs Free of Caregiver help.
Make sure she takes care of herself every day. Make sure she bathes, eats 3 healthy meals, sleeps 7-9 hours, and gets a little time away from the bedside to get fresh air and sunshine. If need be, help her create several days worth of outfits so she wears something fresh every day.
Mental health tasks will mostly be listening and encouraging her to share her feelings with you. You aren't responsible for "fixing" anything but allowing her to process what she is experiencing. It might help to remember Dr. Kubler-Ross's stages of grief: denial (feeling as if this isn't real), anger (feeling as if this isn't fair), bargaining (feeling that "doing something" will bring life back to normal), depression (feeling sad that this is happening), and finally acceptance (feeling peace about the situation).
Tactfully and gently, try to get her to focus on the legal and financial aspects of life after your dad passes. Is there already pre-paid funeral arrangements or do you need to help her with those tasks? How will the finances change after dad is gone? Is there life insurance and who is the policy with? Who is the medical insurance with since he will need to removed from the policy after death? Are all the banking and financial accounts in her name as well as dad's? If not, get her added to the accounts so they become hers when he dies.
My mom died at 64 of brain cancer and left my dad a widow at 69. He was very lonely and a bit lost. But dad did go to senior dances and mixed with people and that helped. You might want to talk to your mom about who she is involved with. Does she go to church or temple? Does she have a group of ladies she does things with socially? If so, reach out to these people and let them know that your dad is on hospice and ask for their support while she goes through this and after.
A wonderful lay ministry that is based on listening and companionship is called Stephen Ministry. Many local churches offer this. I was trained as a Stephen Minister and went on to be a Stephen leader who trained others in our church. If her church has one, she can ask for a SM to be assigned to her. We are trained to walk with people through a situation like death. If her church doesn’t have this then another church might and she can ask for one through them. You don’t have to belong there. To find a local church go to the website Stephenministries.org and you can look up by city and state. Best to you in this journey.
After Dads passing allow Mom to learn how to be alone. You can let her come for a visit or visa versa but don't make it a long one. She has to get back to life. You do not want to disable her. You do not want her making you the center of her life.
Talk to the Hospice Social Worker. Discuss your concerns and encourage your mom to as well. Hospice will also have a Chaplain available if you and your mom wish to talk about concerns to them.
Is your mom willing to talk with a therapist? If so it might be a good idea to start having discussions now. You mention she has anxiety. Is she seeing anyone? Is she on medication? If so her doctor would be a good one for her to talk to.
You can look up the differences between Grief, Mourning and Depression. Some signs, symptoms are the same so it can get difficult to tell the difference.
Be there for her, physically and emotionally. Be aware of your own grief and treat yourself gently.
When daddy was on hospice, I would frequently spell mom and let her take off to shop or just get out of the house. I loved these quiet afternoons with daddy.
Sometimes mom had her hair done, sometimes she went to lunch with a friend. Since dad was on morphine, he mostly slept, so she could go and not worry.
I do think this helped her deal with his death. She wasn't worn to a frazzle caring for him.
One thing--as close to my dad as I was--I didn't show a lot of emotion around mom. I'd cry the whole way home, but not in her presence.
I still look upon that time (17 years ago!) as being some of the most precious times in my life. I think I helped mom, she never said anything. But she also handled dad's passing with grace and dignity.
She never asks for help even when asked what I can do. She told me I didn’t need to come, but I did anyway. So I’m just here with her along with my brother and sister.