I'm dying inside. How can I help Mom if I can't help myself?

Boog. if it was a perfect world and you were in charge? What would you want to happen right this minute? Realistically? Don't say "feel better." That's too easy!

I mean, sometimes, we're just BLUE. Blue as blue as blue. Who wouldn't be with the plates most of us carry around 24/7? One thing I personally know when I'm having a rotten few days is that "this too shall pass."

When it doesn't pass . . . when you're allergic to every anti-depressant on the market . . . when you can't afford some of the other wholistic treatments for depression . . . then you simply MUST change your situation.

Mom will survive.without you. She'll be well taken care of. It is your CHOICE to be her 24/7 care-giver. There are alternatives. Maybe it's time for you to explore them.

virtualprograms@mskcc.org Are you saying that MSK charges 100$ per session for family counseling? have you talked to Mom's doctor about how you're feeling? Indeed, you can't take care of her if you are in this condition. PLEASE talk to her oncologist at MSK and see what they suggest. MSK has satellites sites all over these days, and the virtual caregiver support sessions that the link above will take you to.

TheBoogs, the good news is there are natural alternatives for depression - some of them are just as good (proven by double blind clinical trials) as medications. Here are some excellent videos to watch about different foods and activities (like exercise) that help you and have no medication side effects. Please spend some time watching them.

http://nutritionfacts.org/?s=depression

The other good news is that you are NOT alone! You've got a whole support group here that understand the kind of frustrations you're going through. So vent away when you need to!

Set very small goals for yourself about getting your life back. Can't drive? Walk half a block to start. Get out a little bit day by day. Find something you enjoy - videos, books, puzzles, online games, whatever. Spend some time doing that. I'm sure you'll get lots of other good suggestions, so I'll stop. Here's a BIG hug for you!!

MaggieMarshall. You have all the sensitivity of a Mac truck. Obviously you have absolutely no idea what major depressive disorder is and how bleak and horrible it is. Lucky you. Your cold, "get over yourself" posts are so ignorant they remind me of my sister, the RN who "doesn't believe" that mental illness runs in our maternal side of the family despite grandma have received shock treatments for it in the 50s; or my having 2 breakdowns, or our aunt, mom's younger sister, who was classically bipolar and went without treatment for 10+ until finally said aunt found treatment herself.

The reason I asked about working is because that's often the best therapy of all. When we have too much time on our hands, we concentrate on me-me-me. Getting our brains busy with other things besides ourselves, our plight and mom's health, is cathartic.

I'm glad you work at home. That must help "a little." If it's not our time to wind down our careers, giving up a job to care for one's parents is, in my opinion, the greatest sacrifice of all.

I wish you well. Exercise!

TheBoogs, I know you have mentioned you have a live-in partner.... how is she coping with all of this? Is there anything you can do as a couple to help each other out, like drive you to appointments, etc?

Boogs, I know how you feel. It feels as though everything is falling apart around you, but you must take a deep breath and take it one day at a time. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. You have support (partner and sister) AND you have this forum to vent. Three years ago, I was like you - overwhelmed and feeling like I was drowning in misery. My father and sister died within eight month of each other, and my Mom was officially diagnosed with dementia/ALZ in between their illness. I had lost my family within a year. I'm not comparing my circumstance to yours. I just want you to know that things will get better. Your Mom is not going to be around forever and, hopefully you can work towards getting your life back. It helps to mentally take things one day at a time. Sometimes, it can be one hour at a time. I understand you have agoraphobia. Can you seek some support on-line with others that share your condition? It's worth looking into. Be brave, be strong. I send you a big hug.

Dear, you are not at all alone. As I've answered to the other poster, many honoring sons and daughters are suffering from the same thing being a sole care giver to their parent(s). And you certainly a good son, as you persists caring your mom even suffering from severe depression, to a point where suicidal thoughts arise, you good caring deeds speaks volume.

A. How I cope
I am a 43 years old son, single. I have been living and taking good care of my parents all my life. My mom died from cancer 5 years ago and that I became the sole care giver to my father. I have a sister whom 14 years older than me, verbally abusive. My father is so unfair to me, he loves my sister much more than he loves me. He refuses care from her, he only expects cares from me with literally 20+ times more than my sister's inputs. From time to time, my sister calls me and says "Pa says .....", she add pressures on me and expects me to do more and more to my father, I felt used, betrayed, and really burned out. As a result, I do suffer from severe depression.

From the past painful years of being a sole care giver, I learned exam my thoughts: why do I feel so exhausted and depress taking care of my father? When feeling depress, strange thoughts often arise, and strange thoughts often leading to depression like a cycle, i.e. "my 90 years old father is so healthy and never get sick, he must outlast me, and God will keep him alive to punish me". Also I will ask myself, is there any issue between me and my father? Such issues will make my care to my father so miserable, i.e. "I love my father and hate him at the same time, as he is so unfair to me, he loves my sister and he does not love me!"

So, my advice to you is, do exam your thoughts. See what thought(s) trigger you the most causing you to feel depress. As you find that out, deal with it and work on it.

B. Depression
Since I am a fellow suffering from severe depression due to my family issues, I have done a lot of researches online and I learned that there is an expert on this field called Dr. Neil Nedley on Depression. Should you have energy, do watch his talks on Youtube. His advices do shed lights on my depression.
youtube/watch?v=-dSq9RDqDco - Here is the first of the 4 series.

Hope my inputs do help a little. A big hug from me.

Believe me but people experience the same things you are experiencing right now. You feel weak, useless, you do not see what the future holds for you. You think that you’re incapable of helping others because you cannt hel your self as well. You feel like you can’t accomplish anything and you feel like your life is on a very deep and black pit right now.
You are not alone and in reality, there are more people who are suffering more thatn you do, some people are in a more deeper black pit that where you are right now.
Instead of focusing on the things that are negative in your life, why not count the things that are positive? You do not have aterminal disease, you still have food to eat, a place to live in, a family you can always go home to, some few friends who you relly can rely to. There are more things in your life that are worth living for than the things that deprives you from making the most out of your life.
Focus on the things that positive in your life. The more you dwell on the negative ones, the harder it will be for you to recover and move on. It is just a process. And just like any process, it all takes time to complete one step to another. Hopefull these tips could help you figure your life and hopefully move on to a brighter light.
1. Acceptance. Accept the fact that there are things in life that you do not have contro with. Focus on the things that you can change, improve andwork on, not on the things that you are not capable of changing.
2. The will to change. Accepting is a very difficult stage, but once you have managed to do so, you should be able to have the will to change and to try getting out of the pit that you are in right now. If you do not hae the will to change, you end up going to the first step all oer again.
3. Focus. You need to constantly work on the things that will bring you to a more positive situation in life. Take note, this things are not usually easy but with focus, you can slowly and surely hit every goal that you have in mind and see yourself being successful in facing and surpassing the challenges that you’re about to face.
You can get out of the situation you are in right now and you can do something to change. You just need to realize that you can, accept that you can, have the will to do the things that you can do and focus on making a better life for you and the people that you love.

Hi Freq, She works 12 hour days and she does her best. She drives me to my monthly appointments, and when I feel ok, and well enough, I drive myself. She's been a good support system, but she's exhausted too. I feel bad. I feel like a huge burden on her.

ba8, I cannot drive over an hour away to see a therapist. I have agoraphobia is what I was trying to say. I wish I could see them. I don't have money for the therapists around here. They cost so much. I also don't want to stress her out - if my mom thinks I'm depressed, she'll go into a depression too. I can't stress her. But yes, very good idea…..Thank you for bringing that up.

I'm still hanging in there, praying. How do you all handle the stressors of taking care of someone and if you do, do you also take care of the rest of the family?

I LOVE to cook, but I do it all the time, cook for mom (which is a pleasure because I love her) -- cook for my partner, my sisters when they're here and always have coffee brewing for whoever comes over. I bring mom to all of her appointments that are local, but my sister has to help me when it's over an hour away. That has been a real help.

Ugh. I feel like I'm going through another episode of what I went through with taking care of dad and I felt like I failed. He died. I'm so incredibly sad and I miss him terribly. :(

It helps to know people are there that are in similar circumstances, so they can (you can) help me in knowing what it is you do to cope.

I feel like I'm losing it. o_O