Mom recently spend $2,800 to replace an a/c unit that was determined to functioning properly only a few months ago. She forgot that it was inspected and deemed to be working fine so when she was told recently that it was leaking oil and that the housing was corroded so she'd have to replace it, she did so without consulting anyone. Now she's concerned that she's spent so much money on household repairs lately that she has little money left for a cushion. We want to help her avoid this but since we live 1,500 miles away from her we're not there to intercept such scams unless she tells us she's going ahead with a project. She's quite independent and certainly doesn't want us to take over her finances. Do we insist that she reduce her credit card limits and set up her checking account in such a way that it requires two signature for check over a certain amount?
The problem you're facing is a difficult one since your mother has been independently living all these years. Since she voiced her concern, it sounds as though she may be receptive to your help. Rather than "insist", possibly she will verbally agree to allow you to have on-line access to her bank account? (Of course, something in writing would need to be secured, but it sounds as though a Power of Attorney appointment might be in order if you are noticing cognitive changes.) Mainly, she needs to know you will help her and have her best interest in mind. Most elders know people who have been 'set aside' by their children, and misperceptions sometimes become the barrrier to help that is needed. The fact is that elderly people are vulnerable, and targets for the scummy scammers that are always out there. Maybe you could speak with one of her friends and get your Mother to agree to telling that friend before she writes any checks or makes any purchases over.......$300 or whatever you think reasonable. Mainly, your mother needs to know that assigning a Power of Attorney is not relinquishing her ability to live independently. Most doctors offices have paperwork for a living will; maybe she'll agree to ask about it. Good Luck.
Suggest that you help her "simplify her finances" by allowing you to set up her monthly expenses to be paid online. It's less like "let me take over" and more like "here's an easier way for you to do things." Then, you can have all her bills come to your email address (don't set them up to auto-pay - that can be hard to stop nowadays). There's a good chance that, once she's not paying and worrying about her bills, she'll quickly get used to it and count on you to handle it. That's what happened with my dad even though getting him to allow it to begin with took an intervention-style meeting where my sister and I nearly had to threaten him breaking off all ties if he didn't at least try it! He was running through hundreds of dollars a month in interest and late fees and bounced check charges.
I have a friend who also had the same experience. His parents were adamant that they wouldn't give up control, but once he insisted and they tried it for a few months, they didn't even bother opening their own mail - just handed it over to him to sort through.
It seems like most of the loss of independence that seniors fear so much is far outweighed by relief from stress once we adult kids talk them into letting us help out. If you think about it, it must be a horrible feeling to know that you really can't get a handle on things each month, but feel like it's your duty (and even a measure of your worth as a person) to keep at it. Failing again and again must be so frustrating and draining of self esteem.