How can I help my friend who had her parent's move in with her?

Actually, it's the elders who should be paying for their own care, not expecting their children or grandchildren to give up their jobs or security to do so.

It's well neigh impossible for a single person to care for a dementia patient. I can't emphasize enough the need for respite for the caregiver.

Thank you all for your kind words, and suggestions. My friend has a beautiful heart, but I do agree she needs to set limits. It has been a downfall through her life. I misspoke when I said she has no help. One of her daughters comes to the house a few times a week while my friend is working. She brings her daughter around 10 months old. It is great that she has someone there with them a few hours a day. The problem is before her parents moved in my friend would go to her daughter's house a few times a week to see her. granddaughter, now she rarely gets to see that little bit of sunshine in her life. I can't say anything pleasant about her other daughter. I think she's embarrassed at how selfish she is, and not just this situation. She told my friend it's the children's responsibility to take care of the parents, not the grandchildren. (@#%$^) I think the brother should be forking in not only time, but money. My friend barely scrapes by, and her brother has millions. Frankly, I'd rather not have the money, if it made me that kind of person. I am going to print out your suggestions and speak to my friend. I don't want to get too personal about finances, but I feel any money coming out of pocket should be from her parents, even if they have to put a lien on his estate. Why should she be drowning in stress and debt to leave it to her brother??????

I think this is going to totally overload your friend in short order. Given all she has been through and no help from family this arrangement spells disaster.

It's probably not you're place to tell her she's making a mistake but you might tell her that's it's important to take care of herself first. Garden and Mince have given you great, detailed advice. If she insists on going through with this plan you could be a great help to her by helping with errands, shopping, and if you're up to it, staying with her folks so she can get out of the house. Everyone should have a friend like you.......

Mincemeat makes a very important suggestion - to remain as her friend.

There will be times when everything seems overwhelming, your parents are either stubborn, angry, hostile or uncooperative, and you ask not only why this is happening but why you accepted this responsibility and what has happened to your own life.

Then a friend comes along and helps to keep life in perspective, to remind you that there are options to choose even if they're difficult ones and create a division in the family.

If there was one thing I would do over it's to plan a luncheon or get-together with a friend on a weekly basis, just to remain in touch with the real world.

You ask what you can do to help your friend. Garden Artist has given you the great checklist. All I can add is to always be her best friend. This will mean that you are her support system: Listen to her vent about anything and everything. Eventually her only world will be full of grumpy older people. Be the "positive" in her life. Get her out of the house for lunch or book club or a walk in the park every week. Encourage her to have a small part of her own life. You sound like a wonderful caring friend! :)

Personally, I think this is more than one person can handle, especially after recently losing her husband, and especially with a stubborn father and combative mother. Your friend will soon become exasperated, frustrated, worn down and may or likely become ill herself.

However, if she's committed to keeping her parents in her home, I would do this:

1. Your friend's brother needs to "get with the program" and work in concert with his sister to provide respite care, transportation and anything else needed. And he should do this regardless of the fact that he's the sole heir.

As an aside, I'm wondering if there's friction between the father and your friend, as it seems quite draconian to not consider the person who's going to be caring for him.

2. Your friend should get a caregiving contract for her parents to pay for her services. Her father would have to sign it. Since she's not getting any help, this can help offset the cost for help as well as her lost work time and benefits accrual.

3. I'm wondering if her father has dementia; at a minimum, he seems to be uncooperative and stubborn and apparently unaware that his wife's medical and mental condition has and will continue to deteriorate.

4. Your friend should try to get her mother to see a physician who can address her combativeness. I suspect, however, that her mother won't cooperate. Do you know if her mother is taking any meds to control her hostility?

5. From your description, I think her mother REALLY does need a placement with staff that know how to treat dementia. If the father has given his son sole DPOA authority, this is another reason why the son needs to become involved immediately so he can act on that authority if he can do so w/o a declaration of dementia for his father. That would all depend on the wording of the DPOA.

6. Your friend will need assistance in the house for basic housekeeping, as she soon will be too stressed and/or tired to do so. Help her find an agency, screen the staff, and work with her to bring them on board with a checklist of tasks to be done.

7. Your friend probably could use some at home health care aides as well. She'll need to contact her parents' physician(s) and get a script. You could research health care agencies and help her select one with staff that are experienced with Alzheimer's.

8. The Alzheimer's Assn. has a program titled Creating Confident Caregivers. Check with your local association to see if it offers that course, and ask if either you or your friend can attend.

http://www.alz.org/mglc/in_my_community_58958.asp

9. Contact your local AAA and Alzheimer's Assn. to see if they have any other programs that could help. You can do the leg work in obtaining the information for your friend to read.

I'm curious why your friend felt she could handle this situation on her own, without sibling or children help. One of the things that might be best of all is to help her understand she's undertaking a monumental and probably doomed to failure task, and will more than likely ruin her own health in the process.