How can I handle watching him disintegrate right in front of me?

Thank-you for your responses - you have paved the way for me to do my best to handle this. And I purchased the book A Grief Observed & look forward to it. I'm also taking a course a church that follows the book Living Through Personal Crisis by Ann Kaiser Stearns. It's pretty text- book-y, but still helpful.

It's not that he's dying - it's HOW he's dying that is so awful.

I feel for you as my mother is in a similar position. In Nov. she was admitted to hospice due to a severe infection. She started to get better but recently had a fall and is now in severe pain. They have started giving her morphine (probably not enough), but she still says she is in pain. She has been suffering and keeps begging me to make the pain end. Of course, I can't and that makes me feel incredibly guilty.

When my father died he was ill for only a week and died. It was so much easier than watching someone constantly in pain waste away. People always say I am so lucky to still have my mother, but I don't have my mother. I have a shell of my mother.

I am so sorry that you and your dad are having to go through this. It doesn't seem fair, as life often isn't.
When my husband was in his long 6 week dying process and in excruciating pain that hospice couldn't get under control, I too was questioning how God could let him suffer so, when my husband had been through so much for so many years. It just didn't seem fair or right. And it was horrific for me to witness the man I loved, wither away after not eating for 41 days, and holler in pain.
To say that I was pissed at God would be an understatement. I found myself actually using the F word with Him, as I just couldn't understand why He would let my husband suffer so, and why I didn't feel His presence during that time.
It wasn't until several months after my husbands death, when I was talking to God one morning(as I do every morning)and asking Him where He was during my husbands dying process, and the visual that immediately came to my mind was the picture of the footprints in the sand.
It was at that point that I knew that even though I hadn't felt His presence during that time, that He was actually the One who had carried me through it all, as He has so many things in my life.
I cried and cried and asked Him to forgive me for doubting for one second that He wasn't with me or my husband during that terrible time.
So the morale of the story is to just keep on trusting the God who knows exactly what is going on with you and your dad, and know that He is carrying you both in His loving arms.
May God bless you and keep you.

While your Father has not passed yet, he will; meanwhile there is little you can do about what is ongoing. It would be too late for any voluntary exit such as Dignitas. You have done what you can with hospice.
Know that what you are going through is not unusual.
Then you are down to the struggle with your faith. While I am an atheist and don't have any such struggles I did find this book by C.S. Lewis about the loss of his beloved wife a wonderful book written by a gentleman of profound faith. It is called A Grief Observed and I highly recommend it. He allowed himself to rage at his God. And they both survived it. As did his faith. It is a short book, and very wonderful I think.
I am so sorry you are going through this. I know all that is involved, including the ongoing odors you are assaulted by daily no matter the love you bear someone who is going through the torment of literally have portions of the body rot while they live. I hope you have discussed with hospice that you are anxious that your Dad be at peace, pain free, and free of anxiety, no matter it may hasten his death.
It is my feeling you will feel nothing but a profound sense of relief and release for your Dad and for yourself when this is over. Meanwhile, as my brother and I observed when he was diagnosed with probable early Lewy's dementia, it is not as though you have a choice. The human body is designed to live. It doesn't give up life easily.
Again, my heart goes out to you and I am so very sorry for this pain.

This happened to my gma, a good person and woman of great faith. My mom and her sister also made the difficult decision to forgo the amputation. She lived for about 6 months, under heavy sedation and died of gangrene.

I am sorry for your great emotional pain and sorrow during this awful ordeal. ((((Hugs)))).

I'm so sorry

How do you deal?

You continue to pray and believe that God knows best.

Blessing to you and he.