How can I handle Mom's dementia/early Alzheimer's better?

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She is MEAN AS HECK! She is so mean to ONLY ME I do it ALL! BUT I am invisible I am nothing to her. It's upsetting! I know it's not ALWAYS her fault but sometimes it is! She is spoiled because I did spoil her, & I am very PATIENT. Usually! BUT it's getting to me. She YELLS, lies & is vulgar. She is heavy and very difficult for me to take her anywhere. Tells EVERYONE I'M the worst person CUZ I NEVER take her out. Just a reminder I have a sick little girl with Renal Disease and Cysts all on her scalp, my son has Autism and they RECENTLY: 1. found a tiny cyst in his brain. And 2. He is colorblind getting him special glasses. I'M stressed beyond repair! Too much going on! I can't handle this bad behavior and disrespect from this once adorable woman. Of course my siblings won't help. I feel so trapped. It's only going to get worse with mom. Oh BUT she's always quick to ORDER ME TO DO STUFF FOR MY SISTER AND HER FAMILY! I will HELP THEM to get away from mom but don't order me too ASK me. She can do no wrong in mom's eyes pssh... Ya rt.. she don't visit but once a mth, calls sometimes or anything in the 6 Yrs I have had mom I've done it mainly all ALONE. And it's like mom spits in my face, like I'M the poo under her shoes! Oh & I even clean moms accidents of #2 thats so gross too me i easily VOMIT. So.. YES I got her lifealert and I leave for an hr or the day! GUILTY of course the whole time FOR LEAVING and LIVING MY LIFE WITH MY BEAUTIFUL KIDS! MOM IS WAY TOO NEEDY AND I'M OVER IT! A PARENT SHOULDN'T TREAT A DAUGHTER THAT LOVES so MUCH LIKE TRASH! I FEEL LIKE HER TRASH!

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You must remember that your mom's behavior is likely the result of dementia and she has no control over it. Second, you need to care for yourself first and third take care of your family. When someone has dementia and had inappropriate behaviors, it can be very difficult to manage. Things they say and do can be hurtful. You can still 'care' for mom but distance yourself if you need to. You can contact your local area agency on aging and ask about their caregiver support group. The group is a great way to get rid of stress and get practical tips. You are not alone with your frustration. Contact your local chapter of the Alzheimer's Association, they can give you practical information on how to manage behaviors. Dementia takes away the people we love and it replaces them with someone we don't even know. The area agency on aging also has in home programs that may help you care for mom, ask them about an adult medical day care in the area. It's a great place for people like your mom to go, they do various activities, listen to music, socialize and eat lunch. It would be good for both of you. You must care for your children first. They need you. You will learn coping skills, give it time. Take some time for yourself, even if it's 15 minutes of reading, listing to music or going on a walk. Good luck.
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Depending on her income and assets, you may be able to get her into a care facilities were she would have other women she could talk to. I don't know how that works, but I think each facility has to have a few beds they use for those living off the State. That is a terrible thing for me to say, "living off the State"....She probably worked her whole life and just made ends meet. Personally, I have promised my partner not to move him to a facility. At times, I think I just might have to. I wish you so much love and hope you can get a handle on the situation.
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My heart goes out to you. You can't see the forest for the trees, but people outside can, that's why they're staying away. You are spending your health. You need out of that situation before it destroys you. Take it from someone who's been there. It is extremely difficult, if not impossible, to care for someone with Alzheimer's or dementia by yourself. What I would suggest you do immediately is get her into a good nursing home for "respite." This is a nursing home stay for up to 30 days just so the family can take a break. I would start visiting nursing homes, and ask the admissions person about the process of getting your mom in for respite care. Community medicaid willpay for this, and perhaps some other insurances as well. Once she's gone, sit down, and breathe. Get a good night's sleep. Have lunch with friends. Spend time with your family. You need to heal and you need to live life. Life can be beautiful. Then, I would suggest you start the medicaid application process for your mom if she does not have medicaid already. This is in preparation for her entering a facility permanently. Once everything is in pace, you can give your siblings the option of moving your mom in with them so they can take over care giving, or going into the nursing home. It seems, however, they have already expressed their preference. Then live your life. Visit often, advocate for your mom, but live. Things are much better now that my mom is in a NH. I've lost weight and my blood pressure has gone down. (Still have all the grey hair, unfortunately.) Nursing homes are not perfect, but if you need a life line, they are a life saver. Good luck to you and remember to take care of yourself.
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I agree with eveeryone. You need to find another place for our Mom. This situation is not good for yyou or your children. Your excuse is valid. You need to put what energy u have towards your children. Speak with your Moms doctor/s. Maybe one can get her into a nursing facililty. Have a meeting with siblings. Tell them about ur children and you need to put ur time to them. I don't know how you've done it this long. Me personally, would not have put up with her abuse. I can't toon that out.
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Sorry for typos im on my cell phone holdong grandbaby and typing onr handed :)
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I read your post and immediately recalled being the one to bear the bulk of mom's anger. The disease is a horrible thief robbing her of reason making all the changes frightening and frustrating. Please find time to get her to a doctor and get her some medication that will help as she is moving into the disease. My mom's doctor prescribed Ativan and when she was getting more paranoid and argumentative, put her on Risperdal (white label use for people with dementia).

This can be a long journey. I hope you will consider the other resources recommended to help.
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I certainly can understand yoir frustration and your anger. What stood out to me the most abput your post is that your emotions are chancing from frustration to anger. Yoi have to find an outlet before you explode. I once had a doctor tell me that stress will manifest in one way or another whether its in you blowing up or something quieter like high blpod pressure and eventually strokw or heart attack but its going to catch up. I havent figured out yet how to release my frustrations but do have a few my first was to hangmg a punching bag and just beat the daylights out it but since i cant afford that i option tpobeat up a pillow! Jpon a gum if you can ..jist take an hour working yodoes amazing things for your mind. Im new to all of this and still trying to figure it all out but i know first hand you have to find a way to find some even just for a few minutes everyday or youre going to crash and then who is going to be there to take care of yoir children? you have to put you first then your children then your mom
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I'm so sorry for your pain and distress. I feel certain you will find the right path for you; you sound like a truly compassionate and caring person. Life is sometimes so unfair!

Here are some things I found helpful in addressing the challenges of my own struggle and journey with my Mom:

I kept reminding myself that the person is not the disease, and the disease is not the person.

I adjusted my own behaviour to be less confrontational, more patient, more accommodating, less argumentative, less blaming and more understanding. The more I was able to soften my own behaviour, the less problematic my mother's behaviour was.

I learned to never argue; I just always agreed, even when I knew whatever she was saying was completely wrong.

I practiced Q-TIP: Quit Taking It Personally - see the first point above. It's not about you it's about the disease.

I tried to imagine what it would feel like to be in her position. When I did that it was much easier to empathize and say things like: "You sound frustrated and angry. I understand. I would be frustrated and angry too.. You're right. I don't blame you for feeling like you do. I would feel like that too."

I stopped trying to make her do what I wanted and let her do what she wanted.

I made sure to do things to reduce my own anxiety and increase my well being so I could be as strong and patient as possible. I did things such as exercise. it was hard to find the time to do things for myself but it was essential to maintain my sanity.

I forgave myself when I got angry or frustrated or made mistakes or broke down. I'm only human...

I don't know if any of that might work for you, but these are the kinds of things that were helpful for me.

Also, you might want to check out some of Teepa Snow's videos on YouTube. She has practical ways to deal with behaviours that a part of the dementia journey.
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There are resources and I know it seems like one more task to find them but it's worth the effort. In Fairfax County Virginia, my salvation has been county Social Services. Most counties will assign you a case manager, they will do a home visit, asses the situation and determine your needs. Payment is all about her income and sliding scale usually. My mom had very low SS and eventually was on Medicaid. With my mom, who passed from Alzheimers 3 years ago, they sent me a wonderful person who did light cleaning, did my mom's laundry, showered her and sat with her while I tended to the needs of my family. ( am a mom too). They reevaluated every couple of months and even offered a few days in a rehab center for her so that we could be Grandma free for a weekend or 2. Did she like it? No, of course not. She fought every step of the way, but they are trained to deal with it and do. These patients are not the same person they were, the single most difficult thing to remember when caring for a dementia sufferer. Your loved one is essentially gone sad to say. I am sorry. Mom complained about me to the home health person and complained to me about her and on and on! The neurologist did prescribe some things that helped, we had a few trial and errors on that, I think we ended up with Seroquel (sp), very low dose, help her chill. I feel your pain so much Chryssy, I now have my Mom in law with Alz and she is gearing up to be pretty nasty as well. Here we go again! It is thankless and family does run the other way. You are a special person with many gifts. God Bless you and your beautiful children
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It is definitely time for you to place your mother with others. Take care of your children and yourself first.
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