She is MEAN AS HECK! She is so mean to ONLY ME I do it ALL! BUT I am invisible I am nothing to her. It's upsetting! I know it's not ALWAYS her fault but sometimes it is! She is spoiled because I did spoil her, & I am very PATIENT. Usually! BUT it's getting to me. She YELLS, lies & is vulgar. She is heavy and very difficult for me to take her anywhere. Tells EVERYONE I'M the worst person CUZ I NEVER take her out. Just a reminder I have a sick little girl with Renal Disease and Cysts all on her scalp, my son has Autism and they RECENTLY: 1. found a tiny cyst in his brain. And 2. He is colorblind getting him special glasses. I'M stressed beyond repair! Too much going on! I can't handle this bad behavior and disrespect from this once adorable woman. Of course my siblings won't help. I feel so trapped. It's only going to get worse with mom. Oh BUT she's always quick to ORDER ME TO DO STUFF FOR MY SISTER AND HER FAMILY! I will HELP THEM to get away from mom but don't order me too ASK me. She can do no wrong in mom's eyes pssh... Ya rt.. she don't visit but once a mth, calls sometimes or anything in the 6 Yrs I have had mom I've done it mainly all ALONE. And it's like mom spits in my face, like I'M the poo under her shoes! Oh & I even clean moms accidents of #2 thats so gross too me i easily VOMIT. So.. YES I got her lifealert and I leave for an hr or the day! GUILTY of course the whole time FOR LEAVING and LIVING MY LIFE WITH MY BEAUTIFUL KIDS! MOM IS WAY TOO NEEDY AND I'M OVER IT! A PARENT SHOULDN'T TREAT A DAUGHTER THAT LOVES so MUCH LIKE TRASH! I FEEL LIKE HER TRASH!
This can be a long journey. I hope you will consider the other resources recommended to help.
Here are some things I found helpful in addressing the challenges of my own struggle and journey with my Mom:
I kept reminding myself that the person is not the disease, and the disease is not the person.
I adjusted my own behaviour to be less confrontational, more patient, more accommodating, less argumentative, less blaming and more understanding. The more I was able to soften my own behaviour, the less problematic my mother's behaviour was.
I learned to never argue; I just always agreed, even when I knew whatever she was saying was completely wrong.
I practiced Q-TIP: Quit Taking It Personally - see the first point above. It's not about you it's about the disease.
I tried to imagine what it would feel like to be in her position. When I did that it was much easier to empathize and say things like: "You sound frustrated and angry. I understand. I would be frustrated and angry too.. You're right. I don't blame you for feeling like you do. I would feel like that too."
I stopped trying to make her do what I wanted and let her do what she wanted.
I made sure to do things to reduce my own anxiety and increase my well being so I could be as strong and patient as possible. I did things such as exercise. it was hard to find the time to do things for myself but it was essential to maintain my sanity.
I forgave myself when I got angry or frustrated or made mistakes or broke down. I'm only human...
I don't know if any of that might work for you, but these are the kinds of things that were helpful for me.
Also, you might want to check out some of Teepa Snow's videos on YouTube. She has practical ways to deal with behaviours that a part of the dementia journey.
We just moved my 97 yr old dad to assisted living, but is showing more anger, and my out of state siblings come often, but Im still the everyday caretaker.
I can't believe how free I feel...I'm calmer with my dad when he says unkind things and can be nicer to him. And i know he is safe. I visit 5 days a week and we either do errands or just hang out. My family needed this break .....we may have waited too long as the older they get the more resistant he is to meeting new people. There are Adult Day Centers, and there are Assisted Living homes where your mom can live only a month , thus giving you a break. Wish I knew about them earlier...you are not alone, talk to people that have elder parents.
You have WAY too much on your plate. You need help with your children and your mom. Can you afford professional help at home? If not, your mom will have to go to assisted living or residential care. Your first obligation is to take care of yourself so you can be there for your children. Please don't sacrifice yourself and your kids to your mom!