Hello. I am 53 years old and my fiance and I live with my mother. We have been here for years, as years ao we helped to care for my father, who has now been passed 3 years. I love my mother dearly, but recently we got into a major argument. I am the type of person who needs to walk away and cool down. My mother began yelling at me that I do not pay enough attention to her, do not love her, and (she thinks) I wish she was dead. I will be honest, at first I kept trying to talk to her and even if I didn't agree with her tried to reassure her that I was sorry she felt the ways she did and tried to be positive. But when she said she thought I wanted her dead, I lost my temper and said some not so nice things (cursing). She then proceeded to jump out of her chair, ran into the kitchen, and grabbed a knife and put it up to her throat and threatened to kill herself. I became extremely upset and eventually called the cops. They came and spoke to us all and told me if I felt she would hurt herself they could take her. I did not really think she would, so I decided we would take the officers advice and just go to bed and get some rest and talk in the morning. Five minutes after the police left, she began yelling at me and said I was calling her a liar because she only held up the knife to show it. I knew the truth but did not want to argue with her so I cleaned up so I could go to bed. She spent the next 30 minutes screaming and throwing things and slamming doors. She texted me that I won and finally went to bed. I wish I could say this is something brand new, but it is not. This was the first time she went to those extreme lengths abd grabbed a knife. Her and I have always been close. I just do not know what to do. My daughter is upset because she feels my mother is (and has been) emotionally abusing and manipulating me for my whole life. I could write so much more but I feel like I am sliding into a depression because I do not know what to do. I love her and I want to help her and make her happy. However, I am an adult who has a significant other and he demands much of my time as well. I feel like I am being pulled in many different directions. I have considered getting a therapist to help me and talking to my doctor about medications, as I am so upset and anxious and wound up most of the time. If nothing else, thank you for letting me get some of it out and taking the time to read part of mh story. Have a lovely evening.
I had her in Independent Senior Living and then Assisted Living, then Memory Care as an elder cuz there was no way on earth I was cohabitating with the woman again. Once was more than enough. When she'd start in with wanting to run out in traffic to kill herself, I'd remind her she couldn't run. When she wanted to jump out the window to off herself, I'd remind her she lived on the first floor and a jump from that height wouldn't do the job. That she'd have to climb up to the roof level to jump. And on we'd go. But then I'd leave her presence and go home. You cannot do that. She has you as her captive audience and the knife was a great prop! She must be sent to the psych ward for an evaluation NOW and you must move out. Yesterday. Enough mother. Decide Never Again to fall for her theatrics and histrionics and get out of her home. Period. Before YOU need the psych evaluation and she laughs about it. Women like this live to 95 and 100+, playing their games and trying to bleed us dry. Mine lived to 95.
There is only one way to deal with them. As little as possible.
Good luck removing yourself from the source of your anxiety.
Mom told me I was crazy . But Mom never threatened to kill herself again .
Then do not let her back in. Next time she may be crazy enough to actually stab someone in the household. This is not fair for your daughter to deal with. Meanwhile find all dangerous items and remove them from Mom's reach....knives, scissors, etc.
You don't need therapy as much as your Mom. Don't cry wolf with the police again either. You had a chance to solve this problem and threw it away. You, your fiancee and daughter need to find another place to live. Knife threats should be taken VERY SERIOUSLY.
i think your daughter is right that your mother is manipulating you. To be honest I would have called her bluff and insisted on her having a psych evaluation. Wielding a knife and making irrational threats would warrant that. What’s to say that she wouldn’t use a knife on you?
Start thinking about how you are going to care for her or start looking into facilities. Formulate a plan.
MOVE OUT! Why would you and your fiancé(and daughter if she's living there too) continue living with your mentally unstable mother and allow her to pull you down into depression? Especially when this woman has mentally and emotionally abused and manipulated you your whole life. Yes, it is you that has the problem and I do hope you seek out a good therapist that will help you unpack all of this dysfunction.
I would start looking today for a place you and your fiancé(and daughter if applicable) can move to and if your mother needs any help she can hire outside help with her money. And if money is an issue for her she can apply for Medicaid.
You and your fiancé and daughter deserve so much better and to be able to live in peace, so I wish you well in finding a nice place for you all to live, preferably far from your mother.
I would have let the police take Mom . How do you know she won’t come at you next with the knife ? If Mom was only bluffing , it may have taught her a lesson if you let the police take her.
Move out .
Then , If Mom can not live alone safely call APS . If Mom is in need of placement it’s not going to happen so long as you are living there . Mom will refuse placement . Let APS deal with her when the time comes that Mom can’t live alone . I would not recommend being POA for Mom either.
I agree with your daughter as well about going to therapy .
I would stop arguing with her about anything. Start making plans to relocate and DO NOT tell her as you KNOW it will cause her to freak out. She cognitively may not be able to handle it and it will just stress everyone out. The next time she freaks out you or the others should immediately (but discretely) video her. You will need this evidence to keep her in the hospital as she would be considered an "unsafe discharge" if she's holding a knife to her throat or even verbally threatening to harm herself or others.
If you are not her PoA, or she doesn't have one, then you will be limited as to what kind of help or management of her affairs you will be able to carry out. She needs a diagnosis, and then probably meds for her behavior. It doesn't seem like she will cooperate with going to the doctor and having you stay in the room during the exam. She'd also need to sign the HIPAA Medical Representative form (in the doc's office) to give them the legal ability to discuss her private medical information with you without her further consent or presence. Therefore, you will most likely end up just calling 911 or APS/social services. You need the video proof as support.
Is your Mother taking any medications right now? Is so, she may be under- or over-medicating herself and this may explain her behavior. OR, she may have an untreated UTI (and this seems like the most likely scenario and the "easiest" to check for). One strategy would be to call 911 the next time she is wound up, and tell them her behavior is unusual and she may have an untreated UTI and is not cooperating with care or treatment.
Once in the ER they will test her, but if they find no infection then you should still ask to speak to a social worker and then show them the video proof. Then keep insisting she is an "unsafe discharge", reminding them of the recent aggressive, irrational and suicidal behavior and telll the discharge planner that you absolutely refuse to take her home (especially if you are not her PoA). Hopefully, they will keep her for at least a 72-hr hold (5150 or Baker Act) or maybe even long enough to try some meds for her agitation.
I'm so sorry, I know this is very upsetting and feels crazy but you need to start making some decisions to protect yourselves while attempting to get your Mom some help. Your priority is you, your partner and your daughter. This doesn't mean you don't love your Mom, but you have to get your priorites correct or you will lose all of it, not just your Mom.
" I love her and I want to help her and make her happy." Wrong: you are NOT responsible for her happiness, and if she has dementia then you won't ever be able to make her happy no matter what -- she will be medically unable to get to that state anymore. Put your energies where you can get results and not into some emotional black hole. Go to therapy and learn boundaries. Stop being enmeshed with your Mother. Make a little progress every day, starting with telling the others it's time to look for somewhere else to live until you can get the proper diagnosis and care solution for your Mom in place.
I wish you clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you focus on correct priorities.
She also needs to be tested for a UTI so she really really does need medical attention.
In the meantime, you and your fiance should move out and start your own life together. You say that "we have been here for years." Why after so many years is he still your fiance and not your husband? If you don't intend to get married, that's fine and your choice, but then he is your partner, not your fiance. The reason I bring it up is, have you put off getting married because you feel beholden to live with your mother instead of starting married life together?
Time to leave your mother's home and stop being held hostage to her manipulation. If you tell her you're leaving and she has another screaming fit, her hospital stay will be the perfect opportunity to leave. Then tell the discharge planner at the hospital that she will be coming home alone and they will need to set up some care OTHER THAN YOU.
The histrionics with the knife do not make for a peaceful environment for the 3 of you.
You and your family deserve to live in a calmer home.
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