How can I get paid to care for my elderly mom?

Doesn't your mom get social security or a pension (her work or her husbands social security or pension)? She lives with you she should pay you. If she lived alone she would use her social security to pay for things, so I guess I do not understand why you are paying for her food, meds etc. if mom is on Medicare, she should have a supplemental insurance that pays for meds. Take a salary from her.

I agree, People that have never cared for an elderly parent does not know how hard it is. My partner stays home to take care of my mom while I continue to work. He would be a long haul truck driver but she can no longer afford private sitters, we have used most of our savings to help her along with paying for groceries, some of her meds etc. to the point we couldn't do it anymore so him staying home with her was our only option at this time. It would be nice if he could receive something for the job he is doing rather than costing the government thousands a month for her to be in a nursing home.

my husband is 81 yrs old and so am I. We have been paying for a long term care policy for years and I was wondering if this policy would help pay my son who is helping take care of me. I am the disabled person but my husband still works. Should I call my long term care insurer or is this jus a waste of time? My son has applied for disability but still takes me for dr appts and does all the grocery shopping and cooking and clothes washing and keeping up the house plus helping me with my oxygen and medicine.

I am just starting to look into this. I am starting with Senior Services - Area Agency on Aging. Different states and counties and cities have different programs. I never thought I would be inquiring about something like this but I have lost my employment and my mom needs constant care. I am willing to take any certifications necessary to ensure that I give her proper care. If there is or was another way, I would check out options. So, PirateGal don't judge until you walk in another person's shoes. If I was working and able to pay and could ensure that I would find decent care I would. If my mom could pay for senior care, she would. I love my mother dearly and really don't feel comfortable seeking pay but no amount of money can cover the heartache of a parent who falls and hurts themselves and has medical problems such as side affects from brutal cancer treatment and is on blood thinners. I just want my mom to have the best care possible and right now, that is me. However, unemployment doesn't begin to cover my bills. I didn't ask to be unemployed, the grant money ran out. Whatever the reason, if you need help with an aging parent who needs you, look into the Office on Aging.

Vivian you are actually right people don't understand if they haven't walk in these shoes. You lay down your life but after a while you have realize when enough is enough because we a human. Only you are going to be the one that comes to the point that you have given your all and you can't go any further. That's when you have peace within yourself knowing you tried and you have come to the point that you need more help than you can give your love one. You must do what best for them and yourself if you don't you will go down yourself then the choice will be made anyway. I didn't want to either but God knows what best and you have to make sure you have a life now and later too. Look at this way you sibling who didn't do anything will have to live with after your love one has gone and you will have nothing but peace because of the love you gave. Now mother is in a NH but I learn it doesn't mean you gave up it just comes a time for other to watch and do what you can do anymore. I still call and visited my mother 2 and 3 times a week and talk on the phone daily. And she has adjusted well now life is better for her and me. Love yourself and take care of your self you only have one life.

Sadly, by the time most of us reach this situation, enormous medical bills and other care have already eaten up the savings of the family member or loved one being cared for. I knew coming in I would be living meager...and I was right...My parents planned well, were always giving and doing for everyone, BUT could never have planned for unforeseen, and totally out of the blue accidents...ie LIFE...that just happens..and the way healthcare costs have skyrocketed...and all the mistakes in medical billing on top of that, no wonder even seniors who worked hard, planned well and saved ...like Mama and Daddy...can end up living very meager at the end. I am just thankful that Mama does have excellent health insurance, dental etc....we are blessed to have hospice now, but I am pretty much sunk....I guess I just try to think that perhaps...perhaps....God seeing me and knowing what I am doing He will give me what I need to make it...and please don't scream at me anyone for saying this...because I am a believer...but I am getting so tired of people telling me my crown awaits me in heaven...sometimes I find myself wondering if I even believe anymore..deep inside I know I do , but it is a struggle...and the emotional toll this has taken on me, having been abandoned by everyone, is what is going to do the most damage...but then I also know that one day, hopefully a long way down the road, when the time comes I do not have my Mama with me anymore, I will know I did all I could do...I wonder what all the other folks she knew and loved will say....

Vivvian...I understand your frustration. Similar circumstances here....and like you, I certainly love my Mama and would not be here, doing this if it were not so...even so, it is so exasperating to have a sibling who, while he comes once a week, contributes nothing towards medical bills, etc. and the only time he offers to do something around the house it is always something he knows I do not want him to do (because his way of doing it always causes even MORE work for me in the end) I was talking to a friend about something one day not too long ago...about a neighbor situation, not my Mama, but they told me, oh you know you dont' want to do that ...you might end up in jail....I laughed and then I told them, you know what? at least then I MIGHT get a little rest....It totally understand...and it is very sad.... prayers and blessings to you.

Dear VivianMM, I am very sorry if my opinion hearts you. I see and everybody know you and many more like you are suffering from similar conditions. At present there is no legal cover in all over the world to deal such kinds of cases. Even your vice is listen in an appropriate stage it will also take time to implement. But i fear every body will support the option that the senior citizen may be shifted in senior citizen homes that will not be acceptable to many people.

I wonder if people truly realize that not all circumstances are the same?! I have been taking care of my mom for 8 years. I don't go the movies, out to dinner, or buy new clothes. I have not seen a dentist in years, or a regular doctor. My mom can not go to the bathroom with out my help. I do what I do out of the goodness of my heart. The people on this thread that make it sound like we are trying to get something out of our parents that we don't deserve are infuriating!!! How dare you! I sometimes think prisoners might have it better off. I feel like an animal with one of those traps on my foot. I am not the one who forgot my mother took care of me. My 2 brothers, and 2 sisters who do nothing monetarily or physically to help are the ones who forgot their mother. I am a worthy human being who deserves a little bit of the currency that it takes to make the world go around, anyone who doesn't believe that does not have a clue.

I rather say you that be patient, she is your mother, she gave you birth, she did not ask anybody to pay money for her feeding to you when you were totally dependent. yes your sibling must share expenses and care services, if they not, even you have to carry on, God will support you here in this world and a great reward will be waiting for you in haven. Very sad children are asking to their mom that we cant take care of you and they forget it was she who had been taking care when they were totally dependent of her mother.

Please start one. I will be the first to sign. My sibs have informed me that asking to be reimbursed for my work is social security fraud. I called an attorney - they are wrong - just another threat to keep me in line. I am making an appointment with a family mediator who specializes in these cases.

Just came across this in my e-mails today and decided to check in. I know these posts are really old, but I am horrified by some of the responses. "Just ask your parent to pay you," haha!!! Don't you think if the parent had money this question would even be asked? The people that think you should do it out of the goodness of your heart obviously have money, and have no clue what it is to have none. I just needed to vent this out because this is a serious issue. The state I live in does not pay for family caregivers. I have to sign up for medicaid and risk losing the house in order to get any help. The house was suppose to be my inheritance for all the work I have done. I feel screwed. Has anyone formed a petition to get the laws changed, or do I need to start one?

If you go to a homecare agency they will help you plug into programs your loved one might benefit from.
I am going to tell you that you made a mistake by quitting your job. The amount of hours you get is determined by looking at who the able bodied adults are in the home that have availability. Insurance will not pay to send out someone and you are home everyday. The best way to start seeking services is while you are most active outside your home. Gives you relief and many more. hours. Also as thr elder will most likely need more care as time goes on , saves you from a lot of caregiver burnout while giving you a chance to better carry on your life.

I never thought I would have these thoughts until I read this thread. First of all I feel some of these elders are making life very difficult for you. That would be the ones mentally intact that refuse to cooperate with you when you have found facilities for them to live in. You have a life too. No one has said, " I need to go party more." You need to maintain your job and pay your bills. You want to maintain your mental health. I feel the caregiver must make that final call despite protests from loved ones. Reassure them you will visit. You can even take them out for a meal if they are medically able and tbey can attend family functions They are also allowed to go home for several days at a time. You must do what is best for all concerned.If you are not taking care of yourself you will wind up unable to take care of anyone properly.

If your parents can qualify for Medicaid, Medicaid will pay for you to bathe, dress, administer health aid, clean and cook for them. Get information from you state's dept. of human services.

I think, for me, it wasn't about getting paid by my Mom, it was more about the fact that it would have been helpful had my sibling contributed to things along the way that would have helped remove a lot of stress from me....I made sure Mama got what she needed...no matter how tight it got, I found a way to make it...but sadly, as much as I love him, my brother was not there financially for me.....I don't understand that, as this is his mother too, but he just did not feel compelled to help financially other than a few minor items along the way. It has been hurtful but it has been hurtful to me more from the perspective that it felt like my sibling could have cared less how hard it has been on me. Even now that I will be losing my home to foreclosure, all he said was, gee I hate that....I have had to let it go. none of this has been about me getting reimbursed or paid by my Mama, it just would have been helpful if the support had been there mentally ....all I can say is we are making it, and God is good...I have to let the anger and resentment go if I am going to keep being strong and present for Mama....I just will never understand some people....and how they see no responsibility towards others...

I thimk if you expect to be compensated you might as well put her inti an assisted living home. I could and would not take money from a parent. And yes I took care of my Dad who my post name is for.

lost.....I do have an older sibling....no help there....also all the aunts/uncles whom my parents helped all those years.....nope.......I have learned to resign myself a long time ago to expecting nothing from folks...I think I kind of went into this knowing there was going to be no help from anyone, including the sibling. I am, at present, about to have my house foreclosed on now...so have had to come to peace with that as well. But it's all on me. I am not going to hold grudges...I am letting go of the anger and even hate I have to admit I have here and there...all that is going to do is make me even angrier...just letting it go....for if I had it all to do over again and knew then what I know now...I would change nothing...

Very sad, I think it is the responsibility of state if laws are made immediately. I also have view, it is drawback of family system, in the situation if the caregiver have family they might share some burden of services or expenses with her. For example if she gets marry her husband can provide some kind of assistance to her. If she had family system like in Asia certainly she might never feel lonely, there some a close family relative they come to rescue her in provision of services or finance. It is still recommended for her that she should try to marry and get a partner who will help her in kinds of services, finance and healing through personal support and love.

I have checked with the program here in Tennessee about assistance and if the caregiver lives with the parent there is no pay.

I considered it an honor to care for my elderly Dad. He did it for me for 18 years. I would never expect him to pay me. He was my father.

You have a good outlook on life, and your mom is so lucky to have you as her daughter. Is it possible that your mom could pay you for your caregiver work. Of course you would need to find that line of doing things because she is your mom and work that would have to be paid a salary to an outside service. Is it possible for you to work part time, I did not see that you have any siblings, or maybe some of the family they helped, like your Aunt/Uncle that your parents helped pay for school or helped with money to start there new homes, help your mom now that she needs the help. It sounds like both of your parents helped a lot of family, it is time for those family members to help your mom. Maybe, not just financially, maybe, they could help you get a break from time to time. You should not be doing this all by yourself, if you get burned out, who will help your mom then?

Oh absolutely...I know people to whom you owe money do not care one iota about your financial situation..or mine...they just want their money. Actually my parents did prepare for their care...they also paid off their parents mortgages when they were younger, they also put their younger siblings through school and gave several of them money to help them start their new homes....they worked hard, paid all their debts and were able to save a LOT of money over the years as they were believers in being as prepared as possible...BUT...no amount of planning can prepare us for many of life's curves...and for me, I am going to continue caring for my Mom as long as God gives me strength to do it. I am not naive, I know the future could be bleak but then again, THIS may be my future and I learned through all of this to keep my nose to the grindstone, do the best I can...honor my parents and keep trying...God has brought us through too many trials over the course of the past two years to not trust and believe Him now....

Funny thing is, for me, I do not worry about who is going to take care of me...I can already tell anyone who asks...NO ONE...just as my parents took care of everyone all their lives, as with most folks who do that kind of thing, when they could use some help, you will hear nothing but crickets for the most part...so I am not counting on anyone to help me.. I will help myself as best I can and when I can't I won't worry either...His eye is on the sparrow...and I know He watches me.....

People that you owe money do not care if your taking care of your mom or working as a sales clerk or anything else, they just want there money. Your choice to be a full time caregiver is the greatest gift you can give your mom, it is also one of the hardest jobs you can do. It is harder than raising children, because you are not teaching your mom like you are a child. With just going through this whole care giving with my father, and fighting with siblings, I know how hard it is from personal experience. As much as you are drained from your mom, you can feel so great about yourself, because you, even if your mom does not recognize it, are giving her a wonderful gift. With that being said, there is a time that you are going to have to put yourself and your family first. That does not mean you do not love your mom, it just means, you may have to move her into a Assistant Living Facility or a nursing home, and let professionals take care of her daily needs, and you go back to being the daughter not the caregiver. Even during a airplane crash, they say to put the oxygen mask on yourself first, then you can be able to save the children, in your case, mom. I do not mean to sound uncaring, because taking care of a parent is hard and rewarding at the same time, but, remember, our parents did not prepare for there old age, it was not your responsibility to prepare them. They worked there adult life, they should have put away money so they could afford to pay for the cost of a caregiver. Yes, they gave us money, and paid for us, but why should we give up our life's during our wage earning years. If you are worried about money NOW, how are you going to pay for someone to take care of you, when you can not take care of yourself. JUST A THOUGHT.

I knew going into this that I was not going to get paid for caring for my Mama. I did it anyway and would not change that for one minute. While I get frustrated, exhausted, worn out, emotionally drained, the moments when she has moments of clarity (she has dementia / alzheimers) are priceless to me.

What has been shocking however is the callousness with which I have been met by creditors and others who talk to me as it I am some sort of deadbeat for not working and caring for my Mama. I know everyone cannot do it. I know that even more would not do it...But for me there was no other choice. I chose to be here, so am not complaining about that, but it is truly heartbreaking to know that our society seems to view caregiving with such disdain to those who are, truly, trying to do right by their parents or other family members...

Just because your mom does not want to stay at a nursing home, does not mean that is not the best option. If you give me the choice to stay at home with my children taking care of me, or a facility, I would choose staying with my children. You need to talk to her, your family needs to do research, and find out the best facility, care level, cost and who would be closest. You and your siblings need to visit the facility and remember they are not all the same. My dad has been in two different facilities - the first one, did not handle his needs and we were still doing everything for him, the one he is in now, we all love. He has made friends, all of his medical issues are being addressed, his meals, my dad has always been a loner, but the other day, he went on a field trip to the Olive Garden with the facility, we just could not believe it. I do not know your mom's financial situation, but you and your siblings need to start looking into a Assistant Living or Nursing Home, you need to know the level your mom needs, and you all need to pull together on finding a good place for your mom, it is so wonderful to be able to just visit dad, we still take him to his doctor, and out to eat once in a while, but he usually turns us down, because he wants to eat with (his) new friends. DO NOT let quilt or obligations keep you from finding her the best place, and, by the way, do not let those people that say, you should keep your mom at your home, make you feel wrong about having your mom move into a ALF. Sure, ALF may not be for everyone, but when taking care of a parent is effecting your health, or your family life, that is not fair to you, remember, you deserve to have a life, why do you thing there are so MANY ALF and nursing homes?

My mom is unable to live by herself. She has many mserious medical problems and does not want to stay in a nursing home. There are three of us who has been caring for her. For the last year I have not been able to care for her in her home because I have been down with SI joint and herniated disk problems. My husband is my caretaker at this point. Another sister just had back surgery she is also recovering. The third sister is tired and no longer wants to care for my mom it will be a year in May. I need info about how to care for mom when I cannot do it myself. There are 3 of us but everyone has a personal problem. I cannot blame my third sister because she is tired. We need advice.

Try the website. It has good information on both public and private resources to help pay for caregiving. It also links to specific state programs

Dave is correct, but there are income limits to qualify for the waiver services. Each state is different. In Massachusetts it is called, The Home and Community-Based Services Waiver (HCBS). Your countable income must be no greater than $2130 per month in 2013. You do not need to be on Medicaid to be eligible.

I cared for both mom and dad for two yrs and now mom for 3 more yrs. Never been paid a dime. My brothers who do nothing to help me, send her money in the mail. She is not willing to offer me a dime. She thinks it is my obligation to care for her, says it is in the bible. I must have missed that verse, especially since I have four brothers. We have drastically reduced her cost of living because she now leaves off of us. No gas bills, no grocery bill. It kinda bothers me because I feel like it they want to help, they would help me financially. She needs a lot of thing we can't afford and she won't pay for. (Handicap ramp, handicap tub) Then she brags to me about how much money they sent her, as in you don't do anything for me. They are trying to buy her love and she is letting them. Meantime, my hubby and I are going downhill financially and physically. Grrr, yes, we should be compensated by SOMEBODY.