How can I get our 40 year old daughter to acknowledge that we are alive?

I too also only have one child, a daughter who is 42 and is exactly the same. Just within the last couple of years I have given up any hope of having a normal relationship with her. I have tried everything only to find that if she is around the only thing she wants is money, do for her, and resolve problems she has created in her life.

My husband Is 72 and also sick. I do miss her, but I have found that when she is with me her selfishness sucks the life out of me and I just can’t take it any more.

Why has your daughter said she is done with you?

Something happened to where she said she is done with you. In that conversation, what was she mad about? I would think you have some insight as to what caused her to walk away. Does it go back years? Was it something more recent? Whatever it was, from your perspective you don't see that there is a reason for her estrangement, but from her viewpoint there was. So evaluate that conversation or event and try to see why she would have been angry.

Even if you still think you did no wrong, write a letter of apology anyway. Someone has to extend the olive branch. Tell her you miss her. Tell her you would like to be able to talk with her on the phone and for her to visit whenever possible. Tell her you love her and end the letter. Do it a couple of times and see if she will respond.

Be very careful when you say I am sorry - Many people who say it while not really believing they did anything wrong will say: " I am sorry you took what I said that way, BUT..." --That is not an apology and actually just reinforces the thing you originally said that made someone mad. An apology is: "I am sorry, PERIOD. I hope you can forgive me.

None of us have the real history for you as to why a daughter walks away, no contact, and says she is done, however there is always hope. Continue to write and make an attempt from your side. If she ever comes round, leave the issue in the past and do not rehash again. It is sad when family cannot be family.

As many have said, there are two sides to the story.

So here’s my take...but at first a it’ll e back story.

My brother was “the golden child” from the day he entered this world. Handsome, articulate with the family and financial opportunity behind him to be literally ANYTHING he wanted to be. My mother, and to a lesser degree, my father, were there for him at ever twist and turn in my brother’s life. Which includes never letting him hit rock bottom, wiring him money when he needed it, etc, etc. His thanks? When my mother had a massive stroke in 2000, he had the gaul to say that she was “dead to him” and for 3 years before her death, and towards the end when she had declined and family members asked that he come visit, he didn’t. And then comes my father’s turn. Only this time, my brother didn’t come home for 8 years. But he did call. To ask to borrow money and tell my father, then in his 90s, about his own health woes.

So what does that have to do with your story? Maybe your daughter simply can’t be bothered with you. She knows you’re not getting any younger and she doesn’t want the responsibility or stress to be respond or you (though you may have always been there for her). And maybe she already feels a little guilty which is why she said you’re trying to guilt her.

So in my humble opinion, you can keep investing in your relationship and write to her, potentially to no avail. Or realize that you need to come up with a plan for you and your husband when you do need some permanent help. And change your will. If she wants no contact with you, then no contact it is.

This pain of loss is now moot for those who already had kids. Decisions had been made, so parents must live with them for life. I want share some advice about planning parenthood. Before starting a family, it takes generous love, time investment, nurturing, teaching and patience with these career commitments. But, parents should be stable themselves and not expect their kids to help them in their later years. Should a relationship not work out, act as if that kid does not exist, however let him know you still love him no matter what, and you are open for advice as friends too.

Can it be that you "P.S." tells most of the story?
Have you been, either implicitly or overtly, expecting her to take care of you in your decline because "she's a professional in the health field"? If so, that's totally not fair to her.
I always feel bad for those in the nursing profession. A doctor, by their very own code of ethics, are not allowed to render medical help to a family member, unless it's an emergency. Nurses, however, dont get that same consideration. If she has told you in no uncertain that she will not be responsible for your caregiving and you have been insistent because that's how she earns her living and you figure since that's how she makes her money she should do the same for family for free, that might be why she has cut you off.

Something happened with your daughter. Maybe something you did not think was a big deal but it was to her. Maybe talk to a therapist and try to figure it out because if you do not acknowledge it it will be impossible to get past. Do no use guilt it is emotionally abusive and clearly a trigger. A sincere apology is a powerful thing. Good luck and hope you are able to reconcile.

Tell your daughter that you do not reward bad behavior. Say that because of her total lack of communication and concern she will be taken out of your will. The imminent loss of money and things tends to make people more attentive. Good Luck.

Do not assume your daughter will "come around" and acknowledge you. For whatever reason, she is choosing to be uninvolved. She may be pushing back from feeling pressured to be attentive and supportive.
Focus on other resources and people for social contact and support. If you and your husband have no social interaction besides each other, have your PCP or your insurance plan or your church or your Area Agency on Aging help you arrange a "Wellness Check" schedule. churches often have a Stephen Ministry that can keep in contact with people who need that support.

During COVID restrictions, many Medical Systems and social services have people making phone calls to isolated seniors to check on their well being.

Take your own steps to build needed help and contacts. Don't rely on your daughter for support or even contact. Go on with your lives on your own.

My mother could post the exact same thing about me. And herself.

I know there are often many sides to any story--my mother would maintain the charade that she was a perfect mother, our family was perfect, everyone who meets her adores her---on and on.

Truthfully--she has been completely self absorbed all her life. She has 6 kids, 5 still living and trying to get any of us to 'want' to spend time with her is like pulling teeth.

I honestly went above and beyond in trying to be the loving daughter despite so many family issues---my 'aha' moment came when I was dxed with cancer a year ago. I told her about it and her reply was " well, daddy will be glad to see to see you. You always were his favorite." (daddy's been gone 16 years)

Who the heck says that to someone who has just been handed a possible death sentence? I didn't reply to her, just left and put my energies into chemotherapy and the hell that it is. She did not call me, nor reach out to me in any way shape or form for 9 months. We live >2 miles apart.

She felt perfectly fine about not being there for me. when I had finished chemo, but was still really sick, I went and saw her. Her response upon seeing me "Oh, so you lived, huh? You look horrible".

The 'story' I heard from her 'friends' was that she was worried sick about me the whole time.

It wasn't ABOUT her, so she ignored me.

That's the last time I give her tacit approval to hurt me.

Look deep inside your relationship with your daughter. I'm not saying you're bad people, I just think a little self introspection is always good.

And maybe, you'll just have to accept her choice to not be a part of your life. I am sorry--I really wish it were different for me & my mother, but she's 90 and not likely to change at this late date.

All you can really do is try to keep contacting her. I have several friends and my own siblings that refuse to care for their parents, due to things that happened in their childhood, refused to help their parents, answer their texts, phone calls, etc. My husband and I on the other hand have taken care of my mom after her stroke for the last 4 years that paralyzed her on half of her body, and also took care of my father in law, until he passed from cancer a couple of years ago, but we have always been closer to our parents than most of our siblings. The bottom line is you get out of your relationships what you put into them, and perhaps the daughter working in a healthcare field is super busy and stressed out taking care of others during this COVID pandemic, and doesn't have the energy to also worry about her parents. The only thing you can do is TRY to contact her and make amends. Send her cards, letters, showing you care, and perhaps eventually you will affect her in the right way, and she will feel the need or want to contact you. But don't expect anything. I agree with others contact aging agencies, or make friends that can help out if you ever need anything. If you don't want to leave anything to her in your will, leave it to a charity you care about, or a friend who is there for you at your time of need. We all have it in ourselves, to decide what we are going to live with, and what we are going to accept in our relationships. Every relationship is different.

Tevin even your question sounds a bit dramatic. Leave the drama out of it; it only serves to place a feeling of guilt on your daughter.

I have a drama queen twisted sissy. She is out of my life, the drama and tears I just refuse to tolerate. It was always oh poor me about whatever from her. I do not need her added stress or histrionics.

A couple of things stood out in your post

- you hit a trigger with her - she feels you are shaming her and making her feel guilt and doesn't like that- you want her to care without being coerced into it-

I would try - start by calling and leaving brief, upbeat messages - so she doesn't sense ulterior motives other than just touching base-
HI- just thinking about you and wanted to say hello -hope things are going well I'll try you again soon-
or let her know what you have been up to - find some positives - so she doesn't dread talking to you ---- ( I'm not saying she does)
You do what you would like her to do in return (modelling) and she might come around
Focus on what you do - you are being a positive figure in her life and keeping the olive branch out there!

Tevincolorado, there are 2 sides to every story. Seek a therapist and try apologizing to her if you want to resolve anything with her. She probably thinks you have blamed her for things so she doesn’t want to speak to you. The only way to get to the bottom of it is through communication. Talk to a therapist and go from there. Even if your daughter doesn’t come around, lead your lives without her.

My mother who's 93 will tell you that she's the nicest person on earth, and she is, to everyone on earth except her immediate family. People think she's sweet and wonderful b/c she puts on that face for them, then turns around and stabs them in the back every time. She treats her only child, me, like a second class citizen but if you were to ASK her how she treats me, she'd say she treats me beautifully, and always has. This is what Elaine1962 is saying about there being 'two sides to every story.' You and your DH see things one way, and your daughter obviously sees things entirely differently.

I don't know why or what happened in HER life to make her block you out and refuse to acknowledge your existence, and neither, apparently, do you. If this were one of my children displaying this type of behavior towards me, I'd do my utmost to find out precisely WHY. I'd try with all my heart to honestly understand where things went south and to make amends for whatever I'd done to create such a problem.

Because, in the end, we have to put our egos aside and admit when we are wrong. Even if we aren't wrong, we have to be big enough to admit that we did SOMETHING to alienate a child that we love with all of our heart. I think that is your only hope here............to make yourself vulnerable with your daughter and ask her how you can fix this broken relationship. Be open, first and foremost, and don't be on the defensive with her. HEAR what she has to say and then ask yourself if there's any truth to it. And then figure what you have to say and do to mend this broken fence with your child; what SHE would like to see from you to begin the journey towards friendship with her.

Wishing you the best of luck and sending you a hug and a prayer that it all works out well.

If she is a professional in the health field she could be very stressed herself.

There is nothing you can do. I have tried everything. Some of my children just want. Nothing to do with me and my husband. I cry all the time.

Magnolia, I am gobsmacked by your two posts, both 4 hours ago now.

First post: I am overjoyed to read your response containing God. My responses are usually secular in nature but I truly believe that everything should begin and end with and because of God. Remember that God did not say He would take away our problems or sufferings. God did promise to help us through it. Everyone should put their faith in God, rely on Him, and praise and thank God daily. If things get too hard to handle, trade your yoke with Jesus for His is light and He will give you rest.

Second post: Tell your daughter that you do not reward bad behavior. Say that because of her total lack of communication and concern she will be taken out of your will. The imminent loss of money and things tends to make people more attentive. Good Luck.

Yikes!

Imho, as there are two sides to every story, perhaps you may garner some answers by speaking to a therapist.

Has the OP been back? I can only read so far back, and I don't see that they have. As for telling the child they are out of the will,, I see no where that the OP says they have anything to leave.. in fact I got the impression that perhaps they are looking for a possible "help me " situation

Not to be rude but I find it hard to believe that she is done with you for no reason at all. Maybe do some soul searching to find out why? Or ask? Or maybe your daughter is a selfish asshole, maybe her life is completely overwhelming right now and she needs moral support as well. As a parent myself I don't think you should ever just give up on a child no matter the age. Maybe she just needs a little space and time. And I get it, your getting older and don't know how much time you have left. Best advice write a letter about how you feel and tuck it away and never send it, it will make you feel better and if your time comes before she comes around know that one day she will read it.

So sorry u are going through that. U cannot make someone want to be in your life.
Stop trying and pray for God to soften her heart towards u.
♥️🙏🏾♥️🙏🏾♥️🙏🏾♥️

Tevincolotado,

Sometimes we hurt people and don't realize it. Your daughter did not cut you and your husband out of her life for no reason. She may be hiding something from you and she cut you out of her life because she is scared that you won't except it or you may reject her.

If I was you I would write her a letter saying, "I am sorry if I ever hurt you or did something to make you feel the way you do. If you ever want to talk I am here ready to listen. I will always love you no matter what. Love Mom."

Send it and leave it at that. This way she knows how you feel and if she does have any bad feelings she may (in time) feel safe enough to call you and tell you what is going on. All you can do is open the door and pray that she walks through it.

Good Luck!

"I told her how old we are"

I'm pretty sure most people know how old their folks are, give or take little.

You asked for moral support. Maybe she has none to give. Being a health professional in the greatest world pandemic for 100 years, maybe she needs moral support too!

Hard as it is, look for support in other directions & hope others are supporting your daughter - so she can assist in this crises.

Tevincolorado, I am not sure if you will come back to this post, but I hope the responses here give you some helpful insights. Estrangement is heartbreaking for all involved. You say your daughter told you she was done with you. If she uttered those words she likely accompanied them with some explanation. Perhaps look there for some insight. Adult children usually do not estrange from a parent for no reason. If you want her in your life, I suggest coming from a place of appreciation for the person your daughter is. Try to find happiness and ways to get your needs met that do not depend on her. Appealing to your daughter's sense of obligation or guilt or informing her what you need of her (her to send cards, her to call, her to give you moral support) is not going to work. It will seem like manipulation and is only driven from a perspective of your needs.

Tevin, in many previous posts, you have spoken about your husband's narcissism. Often, our bond to our kids is marred by their experience with a difficult parent. Do you think that might be going on here?

1. Ask her what you can do to enable more contact with her.
2. Maybe it’s your husband not you.
3. Be honest with yourself, what do you really expect of her?

I will also add, specific to mentioning your age. There are times when telling someone your age is necessary. But there are also times when mentioning your age is clearly (at least to everyone else) part of an agenda. My FIL likes to tell everyone he meets his age (86) and his list of ailments past and present. It is like name, rank, and serial number to him. The poor cable installer, the random person on the phone, the waitress at the restaurant. Goal: focus on me, listen to me, and now you have to because I've told you how old I am and you are now obligated to listen to me. And that's with strangers.
As someone else mentioned, your daughter knows how old you are. Was there a specific reason you chose to mention your age? 100% of the time my FIL brings up his age to us, it is for some self serving reason, generally guilt. He also uses it with strangers to get them to feel sorry for him or give him something. It is his go to when say a phone company wants to raise his rates...suddenly his voice changes and he sounds downright pitiful and he invokes the age and that he is disabled.
Yes, he is 86, which considering his health is somewhat of a miracle. And yes, he is disabled. But those are the cards he plays when he isn't getting what he wants and needs an angle.
I'm not saying this is what you have done. Just that it can easily be interpreted that way, especially by someone close to you who may see it or hear it frequently.
Again, maybe look closely at your word choices and your own motivations in those word choices. Maybe you chose to say things that to you felt like natural conversation but could easily be interpreted as manipulation by someone else. Put yourself in her shoes and look at it from a different lens.

Parents are suppose to love their children unconditionally no matter what. Isn’t that what unconditional love is? We love our children? I love my children no matter what. The only exception would be if they murdered someone. My son always sets boundaries with me. “I can’t talk right now mom, I’ll call you later”. “I can’t come home to see you now because of Covid 19 Mom.” I want to see and talk to my sons all the time, but I can’t. I respect boundaries. But if one of my kids stopped talking to me, I would most certainly reach out to them. I would write a letter apologizing for anything I had done to upset him and ask for forgiveness and just reach out to him with kindness. If he chose not to respond, I would have to let it go and move on. Talk to a therapist. I’m sure it would help you. I’m sorry, but in this case, YOU need to reach out to her, not the other way around.

I have not read other replys. I will tell you my thoughts. No matter how well we raised our children, they will do and think what they want. Does it sometimes hurt us as parents when they don't treat us the way we think they should....you bet it does! We can not change them, they are the way they are. We have to let them live as adults and hope they make a good life for themselves. You can drive yourself crazy about why or how could they be this way to you. But I am telling you, from experience...stop beating yourself up. Go on with your lives and when an upsetting thought comes into your mind, put it out just as fast. I tell myself not to let anyone hurt me, not even family members. Let it go, let them go, their loss.

Dear Tevincolorado,
I was very sad to read your letter!

I would like to tell you about a support group on Facebook, that is just for that very situation I know the founders, personally, and they were estranged by two of their children over a misunderstanding. One of those children has gone back to having a relationship with them, so they are very empathetic and tender-hearted, loving people.

They have over 400 people in their group, from all over the world. As she put it, "Estrangement has become quite an epidemic." I told my friend about you, so she will be praying for you (as I will), and looks forward to hearing from you.

It is a closed group, but you may request permission to join. Type in the search bar in Facebook, for "You are not Alone".

I wish the very best for you, your husband, and your daughter. Keep loving her, and keep praying for her.