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He won't stop drinking. He gets violent. He at times doesn't know the difference between his cell phone and the tv remote. He doesn't eat a lot. I can't get him to shower. He refuses all medical appointments then gets mad about not receiving medical care. I have too much of my own life to deal with. I can't care for him any longer. Please help

I had a brother who developed alcohol induced dementia. There is nothing you can do. I suggest Al-Anon. It helped me.
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Reply to Bootsiesmom
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Unless he has been declared mentally incompetent by a Court, there is nothing you can do. He is a free man who can drink himself to death like many others who are dependent on alcohol or other addictive drugs. Only condition to force him into a Mental hospital is if he becomes dangerous to himself or to others. That means becoming suicidal or homicidal.
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Reply to TChamp
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Oh dear. From the OP's profile it seems that uncle is living in her family's home.

Hellrazor1369, when did your uncle come to live with you, why did he, and where was he living before then? The reason I ask is - not to criticize you for allowing him to move in! - but because it might help with suggestions about how to move forward from where you are now.
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Reply to Countrymouse
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Mimsy1 Jan 21, 2022
true words, if it is his house with no legal documents to give you any say in it couldn't the house be sold out from under you to cover his medical costs?
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When he gets violent, call the police and refuse to take him back into your home. Let the State take over his care.

In the meantime, call Adult Protective services and tell them he is violent and you are scared for your safety.

Let me tell you about "do gooders". They get taken advantage of. You have to realize you cannot help everyone. No good deed goes unpunished. If you are going to help, you need to set boundries and stick to them. Yes, you can live with me but no alcohol allowed in my house. Yes you can live with me but I expect you to pay rent. I expect you to respect me and my property. If you can't do this, you can't live with me. And the first time they bring alcohol into the house, don't pay rent or don't respect you, out they go.

If you are not the kind of personality that can set boundries and stick up for yourself, then you should not be helping others. Because others will start taking advantage whether they mean to or not. You have to know when its time to draw the line.

I do not do confrontation well. I am learning to say No. I no longer volunteer. If asked, I will do. It seems when you volunteer its felt you must have the time and you are willing to do whenever they need you. But they call you one day and ask a favor, you say sorry not today. Then the person says "what am I going to do, I need this done". And you cave in. When what you really wanted was a nice quiet day at home with your cat. And you are entitled to that nice quiet day at home. You should never be someones everything. They need to have options. You should never let yourself feel guilty because you say no. I found that I felt guilty saying no but my friends and some family never seemed to.

You are not responsible for your Uncle. 70 is not old but drinking has probably aged him. He needs help that you cannot give him. He is abusing you. You need to get him out of your house. And think before inviting anyone else into ur home. Our homes are our "safe place to fall". We should be able to come home and do whatever we want without having someone wrecking that peace.

And yes, if your Uncle leaves your house driving drunk you call the Police. You tell them he is not allowed back to your home because he is violent. Do not allow them to bring him back drunk. He can sober up in jail for the night.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Join Al-Anon and step away. If you believe the dementia is so severe that he is a danger to himself call APS. They will decide if he is competent to make own decision. Even a hospitalization and a diagnosis of alcoholic encephalopathy will not change any of this, and you cannot change it either. Even with guardianship you are unlikely to succeed and no court will give guardianship for alcoholic; it is expensive to try to get it, and impossible to implement it if you DO get it. Sorry for all the grief in this. Go to AlAnon and learn what you can do to keep yourself healthy.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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I have a dear friend whose father is an 'unrepentant' alcoholic. She finally had to step in and get guardianship of him. She didn't WANT it, but he was living in filth and alcohol induced dementia. I believe he was Baker-acted, but I'm not 100% sure. He would never have gone into rehab on his own.

While he was in the hospital, detoxing, she got guardianship. She emptied his hoarded, filthy apartment and got him a place in a small 55+ community and got control of his money. She has a cleaner come in once a week. She grocery shops for him and visits him weekly. IF he's been sober, he can be around her kids. That has been pretty effective at keeping him sober.

It is not what she wanted, obviously, but it has worked. He still gets alcohol, but so much less than before. She keeps tight reins on him. She pays for his care out of HIS money, so he can have that feeling of independence.

Guy is 60 and looks 90. So sad.

He's really on his last 'saving'. She has done so much over the years and finally, having guardianship has given her the power to make some significant changes.
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Reply to Midkid58
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You can't have his recovery for him. You're not responsible for his happiness. You need to put up boundaries so his radioactive choices don't start to burn you. There is a solution for him, but you don't like it: leave him alone with his choices and when it gets "bad enough" the county social services will intervene and acquire guardianship of him and legally place him into a facility. You can go visit him there all you want from the safety and sanity of your boundary. I'm truly sorry but you have no power in this situation. Wait for the solution.
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Reply to Geaton777
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Is he in your home or you in his?

Either evict him or get out and find your life.
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Reply to gladimhere
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Hellrazor— this is such a sad situation because unfortunately there is nothing you can do unless he becomes violent with you, then call 911. EMS could take him to Er, that is, unless he refuses to go with them. He could possibly benefit from an alcohol recovery program, if HE really wants to quit and there lies the million dollar question….,
you cannot change him or his habits. Who buys his alcohol? Is he driving while intoxicated? If so, I would call 911 every time and hopefully they can pull him over and arrest him if he is under the influence. Please don’t let him kill an innocent family if he drives drunk. Call his local police or sheriff and ask them what to do, they could advise you. Under no circumstances buy his alcohol for him. You could call APS and anonymously report a vulnerable alcoholic elder. You should back away from this situation…..,prayers for you. Liz
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Reply to cherokeegrrl54
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1.) Call an ambulance because he is drunk and have him brought to the hospital. Tell them that he's being abusive. Or tell them that he's feeling sick and he's drunk whatever you have to tell them call an ambulance and they will bring him to the hospital. That gets him out of your home.
2.) The hospital staff will do an assessment and if they determine he has dementia or an alcoholic or is having medical issues they can treat him at the hospital. If he can remain in the hospital for 3 or more days then Medicare will pay for 30 days at a medical rehab facility. Not a rehab facility like for drugs or alcohol but a rehab facility that someone would go to after a hospital stay. This will give you time to think and get your ducks in a row. It's much easier to transition him into a nursing home from a rehab facility. You will never need to bring him back home. They will handle it from there. There are social workers on staff at the hospital who will apply for Medicaid for him and get him placed. Do it asap!!
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Reply to allibleser
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