How can I get my sister and her 4 kids to visit our dad or at least call him on the phone? He's in assisted living and very lonely.

I am going to turn this around.

Why doesn't your Dad call your sister and his grandchildren? Even blind people can use the phone to make a call.

My former mil used to whine that I never called, but she did not pick up the phone. When I told her phones work both ways, she had any number of excuses.

My Mum complains endlessly that my brother doesn't call, I don't blame him, she is a negative nelly. But when he does call, she does not mention it. When I suggest she call him, she says, she should not have too. Really?

But most importantly MissMuffet, it is not up to you to meddle in the relationship between your sister and Dad, nor the grandkids and grandpa.

You asked and she answered. If you see her kids, tell them Grandpa would love to hear from them and leave it at that.

Please don't stress yourself out over something that is not within your control.

She very likely DOESN'T know why she doesn't call.
Some people are chatty and enjoy keeping in touch with others, family or not.

Some can go years w/o contact and don't care. My OS is like this. She NEVER calls me, she's not mad or anything, it's just not on her radar.

My DH can go on a business trip for weeks at a time and not contact me.

True--the communication goes 2 ways and sometimes you have to be the instigator, even if it's not comfortable.

I've never called my sister and she was angry that I did so. She's always willing to talk or go do something together, she just doesn't think of it.

My mother only calls if she wants something, NEVER just to check on us.

I talked to both of my grandmas nearly every week until they died. Nothing big, just chatty conversations and I am SO grateful for those memories of long talks with them.

You can't make someone care. My MIL never calls my DH and he reluctantly calls her every couple of months, maybe.

Don't bother hassling your sister -- it's not going to make the magical difference in your dad's loneliness. You need to focus on what can be done at his facility to help assuage his isolation.

Your dad's facility should be cognizant of his vision issues and be able to include him in activities. My mom has macular degeneration and can see almost nothing, but her MC had her out with everyone else for activities anyway. Someone sat with her for bingo, they did daily trivia she could participate in, and she was certainly able to do the morning exercises. Believe me, your dad is not the only person in there with vision issues.

Focus on what can be fixed, and your sister isn't one of those items.

I would be grateful that most of your family members visit and talk to your dad on the phone frequently. I would not get into any confrontation with your sister. It is her decision if she visits or not. You can't force the issue for her to visit or call. Leave well enough alone. Wonderful your parents were married for 74 years and you all were close.I learned over last few years to let things go . I used to get aggrevated with two of my brothers. Both would visit once a month and never offer to help. My younger brother always helpful and spends many quality days with my mom and even moved in after my dad died to help out and for that I am forever grateful. Some people are down right selfish with their time and others give with all heir heart and some may have problems of their own and overwhelmed with other responsibilities.You dad is obviously missing his wife, your mom. He must love her very much. Do you think he is depressed and If so I would make an appointment to see his doctor. Hope things improve. Can't say increase the visits becasue it seems most family members are all working together for the good of your dad. The best to your dear dad and family.

It's not up to you to make your dad less lonely by guilting your siblings into calling him. My mother lives in Memory Care & my 2 children infrequently call or visit her which she hounds me about all the time. I tell her there's nothing I can do about it, sorry. I tell her to pick up the phone if/when she's able and to call THEM. With her dementia advancing, it's becoming more difficult for her to use the phone properly, but sometimes she manages. I can't wreck MY relationship with my children by nagging them to call grandma. The reason they don't want to call her is that she plays the guilt card with them when they do call. When they visit, she complains constantly and then asks them to stay all day when they cannot. It's a catch-22 really, and not something I can fix. I did manage to organize a pizza dinner with the 4 of us a few weeks ago & I don't think she even remembers it. Sigh.

You're doing the best job YOU can do for your father. Leave it at that and let the chips fall where they may with your siblings. I know how hard this whole situation is, trust me, and you have my sympathy.

It sounds like I need to let it go; I can't change my sister's behavior.
I will strive to mind my own business.
Thanks, everyone, for taking time to comment.

MissMuffet, you have a very nice manner. Your dad is fortunate to have such a lovely daughter! Love your name MissMuffet.

If your father were actively missing your sister, and asking for her, it would be different. As it is - let her be.

Your father isn't just lonely, he's missing the half of himself that nobody can replace. I'm sorry for his and all of your loss, your mother must have been a fabulous lady.

I was the child in my family who was closest to my parents and grandparents. I have to say though, that when I was younger, I never thought about it much, until one day, my grandmother told me that I was the only one of her grandchildren who visited her.

I told my grandma that everyone else saw her at my mom and dad’s house. She replied, “Well, you see me at your mom and dad’s house and you still come to my house.” She wasn’t trying to put her other grandchildren down. Sometimes, she was lonely after grandpa died. She wanted me to know that she appreciated my visits. My grandmother was so very sweet. She always had cookies and ice cream! She was the best cook in Louisiana and I absolutely adored her. She taught me her cooking secrets when I asked her to show me how to cook. Has your dad said that he is lonely or are you assuming that he is very sad and lonely?

Grandma didn’t tell too many stories. She didn’t reminisce very much. She was more of a ‘present day’ kind of person. When she did visit the past. she didn’t ruminate. She made her point and moved on. I loved that about her. She loved crocheting and knitting.

Is there anything that your dad enjoys? I know that he has vision issues but does he like music or audiobooks? Podcasts? Since he likes to tell stories, do you think that he would like to record his favorite memories? One of my friends took a class to write her memoir. She loved it! She isn’t married. She has no children. She has had an interesting life. She enjoys writing and did this for herself. Maybe he could tell his stories and recruit other elderly people to share their stories too.

When my mom was living with me, she would complain about not seeing my siblings. At first. I was empathetic and I asked them to visit and call more often. They had excuses, so I let it go. When mom bought it up again, I told her to call them. Once in awhile she would call them. I think she felt somewhat abandoned because she was very close to her mom and they spoke and saw each other often.

I don’t think that you will get anywhere by harping on the topic of calling or visiting more often. They may see it as laying a guilt trip on them, even if that is not your intention. Accept the situation for what it is. Accept your sister’s response. She told you that she doesn’t know why she feels as she does. Let it go.

I can tell you that I absolutely hated being placed in the middle of my mom and my siblings. It’s a terribly uncomfortable place to be. I refused to pump my siblings for information when mom would hint for me to call and ask them something. I immediately told her to call if she wanted to chat about something. Once I made that clear, she stopped asking me to call them.

Wishing you and your family all the best.

Another angle is detachment. Your sister and her kids know that at age 101 (wow!), your father doesn't have a whole lot of time left. I don't mean that to be insensitive and certainly don't want him to pass anytime soon.

I was like this when my grandmother was getting weaker. She lived close by so I did come by every other week. But I noticed I called less often. I didn't avoid her but somewhere in my mind I felt like she was going to be gone soon and it was my way of preparing for it. There's no way to prepare for losing someone really, and I was never like "I'm going to call her less often so I can get ready". It wasn't a set decision I made; it occurred to me later on. So if your sister is doing the same, she may indeed not know why she doesn't call much.

Or... she doesn't feel the need to call or visit much because you and other siblings are already there for him.

She knows she should do more, but isn't doing it.

i have an off the wall comment here,, once when I was in college a lady called me.. she talked awhile until I realized she was not my grandma.. and then I just kept talking because I realized she was lonely.. It did not matter who I was, to her I was her grand daughter. Last week I got a message left on my machine from someone to her grand daughter, about picking her up and why was she not there yet? Broke my heart,, but I did call her back and let her know she called the wrong number in case her GD had an emergency. I hate when the elderly are lonely. Maybe you can get some people from the church ( if that is a thing) or any places he was a member of to call and chat for a bit? You can;t make family "man up"

"It sounds like I need to let it go; I can't change my sister's behavior."

Basically that is the answer. We can't change someone else. Your efforts were well meaning and you tried. You did say that she does visit and call, just not very much. Who knows what makes others tick?

When we moved mom to MC, I also tried to encourage YB to join us for special meals (holidays, free cookouts, etc) and special occasions. Mostly I would text him, because they wanted a head count. It reached a point where it was more stressful trying to get ANY kind of answer from him that I just stopped asking.

She was over 90 by then. I retired early after being laid off, so I could manage things and visit her. She really couldn't use a phone (really bad hearing and generally didn't call to chit chat), so I didn't set her up with one. He is 10 years younger and most likely she would pass on before he retired, so why couldn't he visit? Who knows. OB isn't local, so the few times he traveled here I encouraged him to visit. He was fine during the last trip (there were only a few, lasting a week or a bit more) when we went together. I sent him there one morning before we went to work on her condo. Bring her DD coffee and a muffin, she loves those. One day it was too late for another condo run, so I suggested he go see her, knowing it would likely be the last time he'd be around. Nope. Flat out refused, said he didn't know what to do with her!

It is so sad to have them feel this way/do this. She absolutely lit up that first day we visited, when she saw him! Typically my greeting was "What're you doing here?" and "Where'd you come from?"

As far as I know YB wasn't visiting after I stopped inviting him to the functions. Since she didn't have a phone, he wasn't in touch at all. Even sadder was when she'd ask me if I'd see or heard from one or the other, to which I could only reply 'not recently.' At some point she stopped asking.

So sad to lose your mother/his wife. Clearly you all cared about each other and you all miss mom too! It is great that the others in the family stay in touch and visit with your dad. 101! Wow, the stories he must have! Please give him an extra hug or two from me and thank him for his service! My dad was a Marine in WWII.

(P.S. "I will strive to mind my own business." - while I wouldn't harp on her, if you happen to be visiting or talking with her, you could slip in a little reminder, saying how much dad LOVES to hear from you all, and then let it go. If she gets upset, then don't repeat it later. If it results in a call, great! If not, no harm.)
Thanks, everyone, for taking time to comment.

You “can’t get someone to do…(insert whatever here)”
You do get to change how you deal with it.
You visit when you can. You call when you can. After that LEAVE IT ALONE.
If she does not visit or call that is on her NOT a reflection on you.
If her kids don’t call or visit that is on them as they are adults.
What I would do is see if there is a way to get the facility to get dad more involved. Do they have someone in charge of activities that can get him and I would guess there are others that need help getting involved.
You can find out if there are volunteers that would visit.
You could, or dad could pay for a companion to come once or twice a week. If dad is involved in a church or religious group do they have people that would come in and visit.

Maybe your sister and her kids just don’t know what to say and/or are stifled by his environment or disability.

You might not be able to inspire or change them.

You could meet your sister or her children at your father’s home sometime and try to draw them into the conversation and his world. Maybe when you are visiting you could place a (previously-scheduled call on speakerphone.

You could also devise some type of schedule and ask family members to “sign up” so that your Dad has at least one contact or visit everyday. Ask people to participate in any events or activities at his home. Each interested family member could read to him (in person or on the phone) a chapter of his favorite novel or discuss the day’s news and current events. Sign Up Genius is easy to use and will send e-mail reminders. (Of course, you don’t want the people who are already contacting him to fall away, so maybe things are better as they are).

Be gentle with your “ask” so as not to damage what is left of any relationships. Your relationship with them might not be worth strengthening if they are not willing to find time for your dad.

if your Dad is perfectly fine with the way things currently are—and not upset about this lack of contact, leave “well enough” alone. It might hurt his feelings more if they show up to just sit in a chair on their electronic devices, or if they call once and are clearly distracted or disinterested.

Maybe these relatives and your Dad don’t get along — or just don’t quite “click.” Getting together could be more stressful for him than living with their absence. Don’t remind him of this potentially painfully lack of attention if he is not focused on it.

if your dad needs entertainment, podcasts might be enjoyable.

You can't get your sister and her kids to call him. They have to want to and it sounds like they don't.
All you can do is try talking to your sister and her kids about it. If they don't come around, there's nothing you can do.

You can’t. She is an adult and makes her own decisions. When Mom was in AL my niece and nephews who all lived nearby never visited, NEVER. I never challenged them or made them feel guilty because again, they are all adults. Now fast forward 40 years and see if THEIR kids visit them when they are in senior care.

MissMuffet, I completely understand your frustration. I have a brother that behaves similar to your sister. He’s selfish and it drives me crazy that he won’t take even 5 minutes out of his day to visit or call our parents. My parents will not complain, but I know they are hurt. It’s such a small thing!! Won’t my brother regret not seeing them when they are gone?? My brother also has the same answer to why he doesn’t call or visit - “I don’t know.”
It’s infuriating and you have every right to feel the way you do. You know your dad deserves better.
The first thing I thought of when I read about your dad, was books on tape. Get him a great pair of comfortable headphones and set him up with interesting books perhaps?
You’re a great daughter, know that deep down. Unfortunately your sister has other issues that only she can tackle. I’ve learned the hard way that you can’t force someone to feel empathy. Just keep being the loving daughter that you are. Good luck to you.

Can you provide him with a tablet / ipad and set it up so he can use facetime or the android equivalent? We have done this for my mother with only minimal apps, facetime, news, and solitaire so we can keep in touch. (There is the snag she calls and just leaves it on so we rather feel like lions in a cage being watched - but we simply turn off when she goes to sleep or starts looking out of window). I appreciate what you say about your father's vision but few and large icons can be a solution.
Perhaps your sister could do better at calling if she had an agreed day/time she would phone each week, same with her children maybe once a fortnight.
Unless she has a reason for not calling which you don't know about??????
Even without your sister your father sounds to be getting good "attention" from the family. Talk to the facility about activities he could be involved in even with poor vision - this is not a rare event and they should be taking people's "disabilities" into account.
A voice activated device such as Amazon's Echo would enable him to listen to music or radio providing the facility has Wifi in its rooms.

I used to be an active Stephen Minister and Leader in my church. Stephen Ministry is a lay ministry for listening to others who are going through something difficult. It is not counseling but listening. We are trained and go through many hours on how to do this. Lots of different churches have a Stephen Ministry. You can go online to www.stephenministry.org and look for a church near him. Call and ask to talk to a Stephen Leader to have one assigned to him. They will come and see him once a week. we often assigned someone to an elderly confined senior because of loneliness.
When dad was so bad, I took a sabbatical from it and called a nearby church for anonymity and asked if I could have one assigned as I needed the support. This would be a wonderful thing for him to have as they can just listen to him, read to him, etc. if he has spiritual things he wants to talk about they can listen there and also pray for and with him. I hope you will consider this as you can’t get water out of a stone (your sister).

To Hell with Sis! Your other sibs aren’t doing so great either! Inform them of what you’re willing & able to do, ask each of them to perform at least one specific task that brings each one TO Dad. at least on an occasional basis.
Enuf of one doing it all: I’ve been in your shoes and it will wear you down ( or worse) if you don’t get the help you should have! I said it in my 60s & I still say it in my mid/80s: YOUR LIFE has to come first. You can’t care for others if you don’t care for yourself first.

I can relate. I’m an only child, I’ve moved back into the family home to be with dad (mom died ten years ago), who has pancreatic cancer and is fast losing weight, but I’m sad that my cousins who live an hour away don’t call or write abd often post on FB reunions to which we are never included, and dad’s siblings (who all live abroad, as we are Asian-American immigrants) only call when they want money. I’ve asked them to send cards or call but they continue to act selfishly. My advice to you is to talk directly to your sister and emphasize she lives near and can do it. And then let it go. That’s what I’ve learned—we can make our requests clear and direct but beyond that we cannot force people, they are adults and have free will. As a caretaker I’ve learned that I only have so much energy to take care of myself and dad and trying to convince relatives to do what is right is draining. Indeed, the actions of others can often be more draining than the cancer and caretaking. I feel your pain I empathize but I also advise you to pray the serenity prayer and to release control—inasmuch as your sister should do the right thing she needs to do it. A valuable lesson—we can only control our own actions and reactions. Pray for guidance and the strength to accept what is beyond our control.

Good luck getting your sister to call. My brother lives nearby but will not see or call my dad. He stopped caring. I have given up on my brother. He's an adult with a good job, no kids and is married but he has no integrity. I visit my dad several times a week and I'm his primary visitor as my dad doesn't get other visitors. Just breaks my heart but I do the best I can for my dad. You can't force a person to visit or to care unfortunately.

Have a non-emotional talk with your sister so that you understand her situation, and then let it go. For her own personal reasons, she may not be able to do more. It's not ideal, but you have to accept everybody is not as dedicated as you are to caring for your father. You are the responsible one, and kudos to you! My mother in a memory care facility relates better to radio. Staff keep the radio on in her room most of the time. Maybe your father would prefer a radio, since it is more oriented to just listening? Does his facility provide activities that are appropriate for his capabilities? Facilities often have reading times (perhaps with discussions), musical performances by visiting musicians, etc. that he might be able to join. Talk to the facility's staff about what activities are available for him and whether he participates. Also accept the fact that your father's condition may decline. Most people, as they get older, find that their worlds get smaller and smaller. The goal is for him to be as comfortable and happy as he can be. Anyone who loses a life companion will feel lonely. And it's not easy to make new friends. At least he has people around him who are taking care of his basic needs.

Maybe she wasn't as close to him as you thought.

Maybe she doesn't Ike to see or think about him like that so it's a kind of out of sight out of mind thing.

You can't make her, you can only ask her or tell her Dad wanta to hear from her.
Sad that your Dad couldn't live with one of his children as that would be best.

You might line of a Chaplain to see your Dad every day.

Check with your Church and see if they have members who volunteer to visit.
Do they have things for him to do where he is living?

Maybe he could start a group chat.

Bring him things to do like clay modeling since he is legally blind.

Bring him a harmonica and see if he can play a tune.

Bring him Audio Books and Music to listen to.

If he likes pets, Would they allow a petlet him ha stay in his room,, like a cat to keep him Company?

I am so sorry that you have to see the loniless in someone you love. You appear very empathetic.

It is my experience that the only one I can control is myself. I can try to guilt, nag, scream and beg but I cannot make someone do what they don't want to do.

I watched mom miss her son until she got lost further in her dementia. I tried to examine to my brother that she missed him and wanted to see him.

This is something he will have to live with. I am doing my part by being her care giver. I want the finality to be something I can live with.

Again, I am sorry you have to see this void in your father. I just said a prayer for you all.

So sorry about this, I wonder if some older parents of people on this thread ,would enjoy calling your dad to converse or even “facetime”?

you can't. when my father was in NH for 6 years, I am sure my brother who only lived 40 minutes away only visited maybe 10 times and most times I was with him or my mom was. And the last time was when my father passed and they left us in the room with him (passed in 2020 NOT from the virus). It upset me that my brother would not go visit but a person cannot force another to go. Some people don't go because they don't like visiting those places or they don't like the smell (which I have never smelt anything bad), or they don't want to see their loved one in a place like that. It's their loss not yours, however it does make it hard to explain to your loved one why another family member does not come to see them. I would just hope that when "their time" comes to be in a NH that their kids will come see them. My niece saw her grandfather 1 time before he died in all those 6 years......and just recently visited her grandmother (my mom) in NH which I am sure will be the very last time until my mother passes. It's their loss. I wish you luck

My grandmother was quite social and yet confessed to often feeling very lonely.

I think that no matter how we fill our days when we've lost a soul mate and no longer have someone to share our daily little joys and sorrows, when we've lost many of our friends and social connections, and when health fails and our world narrows, that loneliness can be waiting in the shadows at the end of every day.