My mother has a Narcissistic Personality Disorder made my life miserable keeping me isolated abusing me in private and blaming me and making sure I don’t tell anyone and if I do throws tantrums gets revenge and makes sure she ruins my reputation to other relatives so they will blame me too and now I suspect she is getting Dementia but I can not get her diagnosed as she is still clever at hiding even though she’s declined badly in other ways. (she has done some nice things but usually to keep me roped in) My angry abusive brother (who may have same NPD or may not) has been groomed by her to believe it’s me and has even accused me of Elder Abuse (but also to gain financial control) concerning my father (who had dementia and telling lies with it for attention & now my mother). My brothers wife sucks up and enables her and hates me, works in that public sector & daughter. I can’t win, no one would believe me.(I can never seem to catch it on video) Except my other kind brother who lives in another state but too far away and can’t help. No one actually sees it. Her old sister kind of knows but is now fragile I can’t upset her by talking about it. I am in my dads house who is now in a nursing home controlled by them and my old mother giving in to hand over financial control to this brother shortly, I am on Disability & tried Dept Housing on a 10yr waiting list, I considered living in my car and prepared but not safe or good for my injuries. Mum lives about 5 mins around the corner, they all have keys, and she turns up on doorstep early morning and rings and is upsetting & stressful. The brother lives close but just out of town and so it’s all left to me to deal with bad behaviour, they never see it, all they want to do is wait till something happens so they can point the finger at me and blame me. I am totally alone no support, tried to talk to a psych 3 times which was sort of a relief to get it out but doesn’t help my situation though. Sometimes feel suicidal but wouldn’t though. I wish I could move away out of town but can’t afford and also feel the guilt. (I’ve tried moving away in the past but circumstances had me stuck & had to come back) she is now looking at moving from the retirement village and getting a house again with her remaining money so she can’t be watched or made to get care. What can I do? I know she will just get worse and the pressure will continue to build and all fall on me.sorry for long text
Even if you can't video the behaviors, keep a secret journal of what they did and when. Are you on Disability due to a physical limitation or emotional one? If physical, then social services may be able to remove you to a facility with your permission, or find emergency housing for you. But reporting them to an appropriate agency may be your only recourse.
That being said, I'm very confused that you somehow believe you are responsible to care for your narc abusive Mum. Why? Don't you see you've been groomed, too? No one is going to rescue you so you have to do the hard work yourself.
Job #1 is to not care what other relatives or people think about you. YOU know you are in a dysfunctional co-dependent relationship and that it's wrong but you are the only one who can change anything about YOUR circumstances. Not caring what others think about you is a very liberating superpower. You pull the rug out from others trying to hurt or control you.
Next, you relinquish the false thinking that she needs you or your help. You aren't responsible for her happiness. You cannot make her happy. You cannot make her stop abusing you. You can only find and relentlessly defend healthy and clear boundaries.
Keep looking for people and places to help you leave, like govt agencies or churches or synagogues. Maybe even a shelter for abused women. It is temporary until you can get your life on track. Be willing to jetison people who are harmful to you. Don't be desperate for "family" or even friends if they aren't on your side.
Please continue to seek help from a cognitive therapist in order to find the boundaries you need in order to take control of your life.
Perhaps you could add a chain on the inside as well so if she uses her key she still can’t get in .
Work on your own issues , attempt to get out on your own and away from your mother . Seek the help of a county social worker for your own living situation . Try to move away . Maybe rent a room in a boarding house or get a room mate in an apartment .
Mom can’t be fixed. You can’t force Mom to get diagnosed . Been there done that with my narcissist mother. It’s a long story how she ended up in assisted living . But she didn’t agree to cognitive testing until she was in there and wanted to “ test out” to go home . Of course she failed the ability to live alone . At that time based on her evaluation and my description of how my mother was my entire life , the doctor also said she had NPD. Most with NPD never get diagnosed because they refuse to go to the doctor about their behaviors . They don’t think they have a problem . They think everyone else is the problem and that they are a victim , when they don’t get their way.
But you have your own issues to work on . Your siblings are waiting for something to happen with your mother . That is all that can be done because Mom can not be forced to do anything . You have to try to avoid Mom at least while she’s still roaming free .
I would suggest that you read Liz Scheier's excellent Memoir titled Never Simple. Ms. S. tried to help her mother literally for DECADES with the social services teams of the entire city and state of New York, ALL TO NO AVAIL. I tell you this not to make you more hopeless, but to let you know that realistically there is very little here that can be fixed. Eventually there will be a call from a hospital or a coroner. If it is the former your mother can perhaps be diagnosed and put in the care of guardianship by the state; at that point she would be placed for her own safety. Until then I wouldn't suggest you sacrifice your own life on her burning funeral pyre or that you act as her guardian or her POA. That's difficult enough with a cooperative and organized senior, and it is impossible where someone like your mom is concerned.
I happen to believe that emotional stress develops into physical ailments.
You are already suffering. Physical and financial and emotional challenges are present in your every day life. You can reduce the emotional challenges, by removing yourself from the situation as much as possible. You will still have to deal with your financial and physical limitations. But, it seems you will be anyway, in your current situation.
Your first priority should be taking care of you. Your mother is a grown woman, and it is not your responsibility to worry about her. It seems she set you up to be "helpless". It is common for narcissistic parents to condition their children to "need" them, as a way to keep them around. Please, seek the help of a social worker, or even if you have to live in your car, and find a job or some way to generate more income to improve your circumstance, you do not need to turn to your family for assistance, in fact, I would argue that they are not doing anything positive for you, but they are only hurting you and keeping you down, so you can be easily controlled.
Just wondering, how disabled are you? Do you qualify for Medicaid? You may be able to live in a care home. You give up freedom for stability.
If you are not too disabled to work, then get a job and pursue a life far away from your dysfunctional family.