My mother, who doesn’t drive, won’t go anywhere with us but then complains that she’s trapped in the house. I’m tired of asking her over and over if she’s like to go somewhere but then I feel guilty that she never goes out. What can I do?
I really appreciate everyone’s responses. So many sound very familiar. My dear mom seems generally unhappy and complaining most of the time, I think it’s just her nature. I believe she is simply really unhappy that she is no longer young and able-bodied. I think she could do more, get out more. Its hard for me to watch her spending her last years sitting home sulking. For some reason we always end up angry with each other when I try to talk to her about it, then I avoid her for a few days. I suppose I need to accept the situation.
After reading the comments here, I realized that maybe my 88 year-old mother really doesn't want to go anywhere. Maybe she just thinks she "should" want to go out. But, she has complained almost nonstop for years about everything. Now that she's not very mobile and feels like she's confined to the house, she complains about that. When I offer to take her places just for the pleasure of being out and doing things, she always no. She also seems to need several days to "get ready" to go anywhere, even doctor's appointments. I don't understand it, but I've finally accepted it. I don't offer suggestions any more. When she begins to complain about being "stuck" at home, I now say "Do you want to go anywhere?" That usually ends that topic.
As TXGirl says, remove the audience. Leave the room. Put on headphones. Turn on the radio. You may need to be direct and learn to say something like "Mom, your complaints never end. If you are so unhappy, how about we find a senior community for you to move to?"
Just a thought: Maybe mom really doesn't want to go anywhere. She is just happy to complain and make you feel guilty.
My own mother use to complain about not going anywhere and I would ask over and over with her saying no every time then it hit me that my mother really didn't want to leave the house she just got her kicks out of complaining! Her complaining soon fell on deaf ears and now she doesn't complain anymore and if she wants to go somewhere she tells me and then I take her.
I will be following this thread as I have the same issue. Mom complains of being lonely, but in the next breath says she doesn't want to be around people. She has gotten so demanding then isolated that many of her friends don't know what to do, so have reduced contact. Her dream is to have an enabling family member move in; short of that, she wants a "companion" 24x7 - not an inexpensive proposition. I have tried everything. I can't get her to read a book, make some art, take a walk, do word puzzles, jigsaw puzzles, sit on the porch, have a ride in the car, Senior Center trips, Sunday Mass, fun classes, book groups - on and on. It seems as if everything gets her anxious just going for appointments - the weather, time of day, parking, the temperature of the building... So I will be looking here for ideas!!
You keep asking her expecting a different outcome so stop asking her. Get the events calendar from the senior center, pick a day, drive her there, drop her off, go about your life, and pick her up. Let her complain knowing that you've tried. If she makes a scene at the senior center that's a whole other matter. Chances are, she'll behave herself, enjoy her time there and just complain about how awful it was to you. This is what my FIL does and I learned to tune it out because it wasn't real. Some people choose to be miserable.
I like Dolly's suggestion. If Mom has mobility issues, then it probably tires her out to do anything. My Mom used a walker for a while. She had rehab a couple of times. It was the last rehab that adjusted her walker to be a little higher. Make sure her walker is fitted to her. I always wondered why people had to be so bent over when using them.
Just a thought. When Mom complains about being shut up in the house, ask her what does she want too do since u have tried everything and it doesn't seem to work. If she says she doesn't know, tell her to think about it and no more complaining until she comes up with something.
Set up a schedule for her to go to Senior Day Care, take her there and go about your day, maybe 2 or 3 times a week. That is why many times it is better for her to be in a home, friends to be made, activities right on campus and more.
Do you make appointments for her or does she take care of those herself? Hair, nails, doctor. Then keep her out longer to do other things. Shopping for clothes she must choose and try on herself. Or maybe the proposed outings need to be too tempting to pass up. Ice cream cone. Botanic gardens. Activities she used to do but you wouldn't necessarily want to do it on your own? Does she have a friend you could take along too? Does she feel safe when out? My mom didn't at first like to be seen with her walker. Embarrassing somehow.
My mother is not a social person and doesn’t have any close friends. She does have mobility issues. She recently started using a walker and is just getting used to using it. She isn’t spontaneous at all, seems to need several days to ready herself for any activity. I’ve tried taking her clothes shopping, but it seems to cause her great anxiety and she complains the entire trip, not enough fitting rooms, no clothes in her style, etc.
I believe she is simply really unhappy that she is no longer young and able-bodied.
I think she could do more, get out more.
Its hard for me to watch her spending her last years sitting home sulking.
For some reason we always end up angry with each other when I try to talk to her about it, then I avoid her for a few days.
I suppose I need to accept the situation.
My own mother use to complain about not going anywhere and I would ask over and over with her saying no every time then it hit me that my mother really didn't want to leave the house she just got her kicks out of complaining! Her complaining soon fell on deaf ears and now she doesn't complain anymore and if she wants to go somewhere she tells me and then I take her.
Just a thought. When Mom complains about being shut up in the house, ask her what does she want too do since u have tried everything and it doesn't seem to work. If she says she doesn't know, tell her to think about it and no more complaining until she comes up with something.