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My mother in law is 84. She was hospitalized three years ago. When she came home she needed help because she was week. She has improved a lot since then and she can help her self with little things like putting her foot in her shoes, walking by her self, turning on tv, putting napkin on her lap, we prepared her meals, my husband gives her a bath, we take her to all appointments. My husband has taken over all her care because she didn't want any caregivers in her home. She complain about all of them every day so my husband didn't want to hear the complaining any more. She is a very difficult woman to please. My husband do so much for her and it's never enough. I see him exhaust him self I help as much as I can he work nights I work days just so one of us will be there with her all the time, but not enough she complain about everything I do or don't do. She goes to sleep every night at 11 to 1130. I have to get up at 430 every morning to be at work at 530 and when I tell her you can start getting ready for bed at 1045 she complain to my husband about it. I told him I'm tired she don't care about me or my husband she sleeps till late in the morning my husband get her up at 930 take her to the bathroom give her meds then put her back to bed. She don't eat breakfast she gets up back at 12 my husband make her lunch gives her and 2 she gets an aspirin which I told him to give her it with her blood pressure pills in the morning. She complain that it hurts her stomach but then everything she eats hurts her stomach the only thing don't hurt her stomach is the chocolates cakes all sweets. I told him she does that on purpose bc she likes the attention. It got worse when I came in his life I could be wrong but I have notice that any time I come home and my husband and I start talking she would start coughing like crazy and this goes on all the time when I'm home. Then when we're having dinner she only wants to be the one taking to him if he say something to me by the time I can respond she cuts me off start talking to him so now when she do that I walk out the room. He have a brother it's only two of them so I told him let the brother come every other weekend and stay with her so we can get a break. She fuss about it asking why we need to go away for a weekend we have a place in pa she lives in the Bronx. I used to let him go twice a month to pa to relax but it's getting too much for me now. I love her but she don't appreciate anything her other son is the one she talk about all the time bc I guess he's a DA. My husband did 22 years in the military but u never hear her talk about him all she do is complain about him also when he's the one taking care of her my brother in law wife been in the family for 30 years and don't come over not once to help with her and my mother in law take care of her children when ther were small I'm so overwhelmed with this don't know what to do. My husband and I start arguing over this situation. We just got married last year September haven't gone on a honeymoon. Which I do understand she needs someone around but for now it would be nice to get away twice a month as we ask his brother he came three times and that's it now he makes excuses when we have to go what can I do I don't want to fight with my husband I love him very much but I can't take no more I know he loves his mom a lot. Please help me with this.

All I can say is "STOP!" You and your husband are killing yourselves literally. Mom is controlling both of you. She says "jump", you say "how high". "No, stop".

At that age, no one wants a stranger in their house however to expect your children to be at your side 24/7 Is unrealistic. Yes, we are there when they really need us but once elderly individuals start getting better, they need to start moving and doing what they can for themselves. That is what keeps them alive and independent. Time for some "tough love". Get some in home help and don't allow mom to sway you from keeping them around.

A provider can pamper her, give her attention, and she can make a new friend. She can also encourage your mom to do some physical exercise. That is what they are trained to do. She will fight you at first but she may get someone she may actually learn to like.

Both of you are already working fulltime. This is like having two fulltime jobs with a lot of overtime.
Ugh! Get some help before you destroy your relationship.
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If she gets a man to fuss over she will leave you and your husband alone.
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misfairlady69 Mar 16, 2019
I don't think she's going to get a man she's 84 but she acts like she's 110 just so my husband can do everything for her. I don't do everything for her because I know she can help her self when I'm here with her alone with my husband she manipulat him I've been in home care for a long time so I know I don't do it anymore because I have a different job but it's hard
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Your husband sounds totally obedient to his mother, maybe because of the way he was raised. If that’s the case, sad to say there isn’t much you can do. He won’t let you come in between them and you will become the outcast and the enemy. You had no idea this was going on when you married him? Did you believe you could change him? Usually doesn’t happen. I played second fiddle to my husband’s family for years until my mother-in-law overstepped her boundaries and my husband woke up.

I can only say that as hard as it may be, you need to make your own life. Even though you are a newlywed, it doesn’t mean much when your husband is obsessed with caring for his mother. If you have interests or hobbies, pursue them. If you don’t work, get a part-time job. It’s the only way you can save your sanity and maybe even your marriage.
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misfairlady69 Mar 16, 2019
Well to be honest I didn't and I know him for 3years you see she manipulat him it's always about her I see it the other day he said to me his mother is his number one priority she comes first I told him really because I thought when you get marry your spouse is your priority and number one.
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Man, that's tough. I hope you get some suggestions. If he's that invested in her care, I doubt your input about how she needs to do more for herself is going to work. I suppose that I would explore how you can get some respite time. If family can't help, what about professional care for a weekend or week so you two can have private time? Good luck.
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misfairlady69 Mar 14, 2019
Thats just it hon she complain about not wanting people in her home so that's why he stop the agency people from coming and his brother keep making excuses when we ask him for a weekend I'm getting frustrated
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