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I do not live near my father but I expect to be living with him soon. Due to my father's physical and mental conditions he hired a female caregiver through a service over a year ago. After a few months the caregiver convinced my father to buy-out her contract because it would cost him less and allow her to administer his medications. My father is now lonely and unhappy with his situation The caregiver has isolated my father. Her salery is very high (Dad is "not sure if he is paying her $45,000 or $60,000" per year). A few months ago she stopped being there 24/5 and is now with him less than 40 hrs per week (without a reduction in pay). She convinced my father to hire her son to be with him on weekends however, he cannot stand her son. My father has always needed a woman in his life to nuture him. He has taken a shine to this caregiver who is 30 years younger than he is. She has my father convinced that she has professional medical experience therefore, he considers her to be his personal lifesaver. She changes his medications without doctor authorization. He helps pay her rent and bills, buys her furniture and buys groceries for her family of five which she cooks at his home to take with her when she leaves. She sold her vehicle and commandered Dad's car 24/7 which leaves my Dad and her son stranded together on weekends. There have been times when she has scammed my father for cash for herself and her friends and family. Her sob stories of how broke she is and how hard her life is makes Dad want help her so that she will be happy. Dad has recently included her in his will so that she will have hope for a brighter future. He hates to see her weep at work and allows her take daily naps to regain her strength. Because she is so stressed-out she yells and argues with Dad and her family (via cell phone) when she is around. She has told my Dad that he has physically and mentaly abused her and he is confused by these comments. I could add more but, I think the picture is clear enough for most of you to see that Dad is a victim of elder abuse..
Adult Protective Services has investigated and recommended to Dad that he get different caregivers but he just belives that APS, her former employer, the police and the only family member he had near him are "out to get her because they don't like her". She turned my Dad against the only family member who could advocate for him and threatened to have her son's beat that person up. Her son's are violent and do have criminal records. My Dad want's me to help take care of him and I will. However, he won't even consider getting rid of his female caregiver. California authorities would like to arrest her but they don't have enough evidence to prosecute and my Dad protects her. Does anyone have any advice for me?

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Make your help conditional upon his finding a different caregiver. You want to help him but not while she is around. He won't consider getting rid of her? You won't consider helping him. You do not work with criminals.
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The authorities are unable to find evidence? He pays her in cash? His car is at her house on the weekends? The will was recently altered? He buys her food?

Lots of evidence to be found. The woman should be in jail. Keep reporting financial abuse. Sounds like the authorities are inept.
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Is there any way you can have your dad come stay with you until you can move in with him to care for him. If possible, move him out of his house or close it up until he returns. This way, the caregiver will have to move on. Take control of all his finances and this way no money will be paid to the caregiver.

Just think you need to get your dad out of that house even if you have to put him in Assisted Living until you can move out to help him.
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Dear Lostfather,

My heart breaks for you and your father. Clearly, he is a victim of elder abuse and fraud! His situation is VERY similar to what happened to my father-in-law, who lived over 2000 miles from us. Could you please let us know what state in which your father resides? Do you know if she has convinced your father to sign the following docs: Power of Attorney (POA) for Healthcare and Financial or Guardianship? Is her name on his bank account or credit cards? Do you know the name/contact info of his Primary Care Physician, home mortgage company, auto insurance company? Your father's Will can be changed. This criminal can be arrested, prosecuted, and jailed for committing a felony. Taking proper steps can resolve this horrific situation for your father and you! Is there an Elder Law Attorney in your father's area?

Please keep in contact!
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Sounds like the kind of stuff films are made of, horror films. If I were in your situation I would move in as soon as you can. The sooner the better. And if you haven't done so already, get power of attorney over your father's affairs. This situation is out of your father's control, and it's out of yours right now. You need to take control. I'm sure it won't be easy, but it needs to be done. One step at a time, move in. Then she'll have you to deal. And it could just be that she'll be more scared of you than you probably are right now of her. Good luck.
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Talk to an Elder Law Attorney and the authorities. Find out from the lawyer what you need to do to get control. Find out from the authorities what they need to prosecute, so you can look for the evidence as you gain control, and also find out from them what you need to do to protect yourself and your father, if they threaten or try to intimidate.
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I would suggest getting in touch with your local social services department. They will be able to give you options to rectify the situation. Make sure you have as much documentation of the abuse as possible so the assigned social worker will have something to work with. Although this is a very emotional and frustrating situation, you will need to list only the facts and not your feelings and your opinions. Make a list of your concerns then wait a day or two then look at the list again to either add or delete items from the list.

Good Luck!!!!
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I agree with IMDZ. DOCUMENT as much as you can. Go back as far as you can and write down everything. Provide as many dates and receipts as possible. Get statements from as many people as possible. As IMDZ said edit the stuff out after some time has passed. You can use your own personal journal to record how you feel. Make notes on every call you make and the response of the "caregiver". Document the police records of her family. Keep up with the "gifts", use of your father's home for her own personal needs. Make it clear and concise. Seeing this on paper should help the authorities and might even possibly make your dad see what is being done to him. Before my mom was afflicted with dementia, she taught me to "fight one dragon at a time". In other words, in these extremely complex situations take one small part of the problem at a time and solve that. Then go to the next, then the next and little by little clean out the whole nest of vipers.
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Very well said geedeeoo! Good advice!!
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How do you deal with your husband with dimentia wanting to hold your hand and kissing you all the time. If I ignore him, he will sit and stare at me and do anything to get my attention. I am his caregiver and with him everyday except when he goes to Day Care two days a week. I usually leave the room and try to stay out of his sight. I know people with dimentia need attention and love but how much is enough?
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Donnalee, I think this should be another discussion string, but since you asked it here I'll give a suggestion. I understand how you feel. It sounds very romantic, but it's not when it is constant, especially in public. My husband doesn't hand hold or kiss, but he stares adoringly at me, and almost exclusively in public, like in the grocery store. Here I am trying to get groceries, which isn't easy with all the billions of options, and there he is just gazing at me. What I try to do is redirect him, which is what an informational article on this site suggested with unwanted behavior. In the grocery store, the redirection is asking him to help me find something. He usually can't, but he tries and forgets to stare. Though constantly redirecting is annoying too.
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I realized I put my question in the wrong spot when I did it. I did sent a seperate question in the correct place this morning. Thank you so much for your suggestion and answer. Do you know where I should look onl this site to find more about this? I know he means well and I feel badly about the annoyance I feel but even if I move my chair so I can't see him, I still see him staring at me. I usually notice this I am watching TV or on the comuter. He won't watch TV so he has nothing to do but stare at me.
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what a story of elderly abuse. One thing we have to remember about our parents are they are still adults. of course your father is being taken advantage of. Will it help to make him feel insecure about his descision to keep ,I don't know. if you decide to move in with him I think he will see family being supportive of him and be less likely to feel indebted to her and her children. often older. people don't like change, but with your love and support,you can help him make smarter desicions with his money. God bless your family!!!
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