I am 71 years old, a widow and also an only "child", caring for my 100 year old father in my home. He is in full possession of his mental faculties and still does some things for himself such as bathing and dressing, though it takes him forever to do so but he won't accept help. Basically, though, my life belongs to him. I cannot be gone overnight or even out on an evening because he goes to bed so early and there are a number of things I have to do for him to get him ready for that. He could go to the best nursing home in the area which is for veterans only and has a sterling reputation. If I mention it, he starts crying and saying he would rather be dead. Meantime, my stress, frustration, and resentment are growing every day. I guess I'm looking for ideas to make him accept that I cannot keep this up. Oh, closest other relative is 200+ miles away.
I met privately with my mother's doctor, and he is willing to speak to her when the time comes to either get in home care or move to a nursing home. She is 91 and lives independently with my help, but the time will come when she needs more care and she is not the personality or temperament I could tolerate in my home and to say she is difficult is an understatement.
There are also senior social workers to talk with and lots of information about how to broach the subject of in home care or moving into a nursing home.
It seems like you are struggling with this decision, and it is a very difficult one. You may want to make a connection with someone at the Vet nursing home to help make the transition. Take your father to lunch there and see if you can have lunch with a few of the residents so he can get to know them. I'm sure he would enjoy visiting with people who share many of the same interests, too.
My friend's uncle fought going into a nursing home, but within a short time loved it. He wavered a bit but eventually settled in.
If there is no way you can make this transition, in home care can be set up through your father's doctor since he is a fall risk. You could explain to your father that you need the help and maybe he will accept it better in that light. Hopefully you can then increase the staff as needed and get some respite time for yourself.
I wish you the best!
I understand this is a very difficult decision and you can give yourself a lot of excuses as to why it’s just not possible to do, but unless you are content to leave things as they are and accept your life the way it is, you’ll have to make this decision. I wish you peace in whatever decision you make.
I’ll bet he would be surprised if he gave a facility a chance. Especially a Veteran’s Home. He would be among people who have “been there, done that”. Can you arrange short visits for him to scope it out? Have lunch there; maybe attend an activity?
If Dad persists with the waterworks and threats, you will have to be very strong. You can do this! Good luck. Come back and let us know.
Is there any chance of you getting out in the daytime? If he rests and isn’t a major fall risk, perhaps a couple of hours on his own could be a possibility. Could you get in-home care? I would assume that you've been through that option.
Is there any chance that the vet nursing home would let you move in with him, even for a week or so? It might make it easier for him to accept the move initially, and then perhaps he will accept it permanently. It isn’t in the rules for the vet home, but this really is an unusual situation. If they had a spare room during a change-over, they might be compassionate. Even if it wasn’t a success for him, a couple of weeks would give you a rest that might help you. You could ‘sell’ it to him on that basis.
Best wishes to you for all you do, for your courage and your determination over such a long time.