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I had to move in with my mother to take care of her. My brother had been staying with her, but had went to jail. She is 77 and has dementia. She gave me Durable power of attorney and I am her payee. My brother is now out of jail and living back in my mom's house. He is insane and on drugs. He won't clean his room. You can smell it down the hall. He let his drug friends move in. I had to evict a lady that was here. She had two unauthorized people here. They have tore up her house. Kicked holes in the wall and even put a whole in the floor. He doesn't want me here. He has convinced my mom that I tricked her into power of attorney, which is not true. My mom thinks she can take care of herself but forgets to pay her bills. She forgets to bath and eat. My brother won't work. He does side jobs and then stays gone for days and comes back drunk or high. My mom thinks she has to take care of him. I've called the police on him twice since I've been here. They refuse to make him leave. I asked for a restraining order but the judge won't give me one. He has hit me in my face while I was driving about 8 years ago. He has thrown hammers at me. He hit me in the head with a screwdriver. Years ago he was in prison for shooting a guy in the head. He steals my mom's money and he got her car impounded. Now she doesn't have a car. She doesn't drive but she owes them $2000. My mom blames me ever time my brother freaks out. She says what did you do to him. My mom treats him like a child. My mom is scared of him but thinks she needs to take of him. She can't even take of herself so now I feel like I am taking care of two children. I want to leave but I can't leave her here with him. I was told by two people on two different occasions they had to pull him off of her when he was freaking out. Because she won't admit he is like this to the police they won't do anything. I am trying to get guardianship but am having trouble with getting her doctor to fill out the form. He won't give it back to me. I think he is afraid of being sued. As I am writing this it is 3 in the morning because I can't sleep. He has his TV on all night long ever night. Then he will sleep most of the day. He will get up to eat then go back to bed. This is a living nightmare.

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Jujubee, you are indignant that people are suggesting you leave as though nobody cares what happens to your mother; and you ask "do you think it's going to stop if I leave?"

But the trouble is that, as things are, it's not going to stop if you stay. So the question is what should you do to force change in the situation?

Your mother loves her son. Perhaps she feels partly, in some way, responsible for what he's like, do you think? And naturally she wants to protect him, I don't think that wish ever goes away. But in any case, she is not going to do anything that will make trouble for him, and the difficulty with that is that she won't do anything to co-operate in protecting herself.

And yet, she's terrified of him.

I'm stuck. I don't know what to suggest.

I don't mean to pry into family business, but I am finding it difficult to understand what kind of risk there is to fear. Your brother was jailed for a driving offence (reprehensible, but it's not going to hurt your mother) but, what, he wasn't jailed for shooting someone in the head? Has he ever been prosecuted for drugs-related offences?

And you're pretty sure he's using at the moment. That could bring all kinds of undesirable people too close to your mother for comfort, and it also will make your brother's behaviour unreliable at best. And you can't get *anyone* to take an interest in your mother's welfare in all this?
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I liked the idea of cancelling the TV service. Are there other things you can do to make him less comfortable living with your mother? My father had to give my brother a definite date that he needed to be out in order to get him to leave.
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Go legal....
Eviction is the only way
I just did this.
I told my brother he needed to move over 1 and 1/2 years ago. I gave him info about low income housing, informed him of who to call, what to do.
Come to find out he tossed the papers I gave him.
Finally it came to the point where I needed him out so I went to him with a witness and told him face to face that I am POA, you have one week if you do not start moving out in one week I will serve you with eviction papers then you will have thirty days once those thirty days are up the Marshals will be here.
He was out in 10 days.
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It seems to me that you need to help yourself out of this mess that you got into by wanting to help your mom. You can't be of help to your mom in all this drama that you've become part of. Suggestions: Get a job and a place of your own to live. You have control of your mom's money, I assume, so hire someone to take care of your mom while you are at work or take her to adult day care. Look into going to a support group. Or give up the POA and go back to your daughter's home. Although, it does seem you are helping the situation in some ways. Your brother isn't using drugs in the house or taking your mom's money now. Does he pay for the TV service? If not, cancel the service. Perhaps he'll leave on his own. In the meantime start working on getting yourself in a mentally healthier space. You need to have someone to call if he becomes violent toward you or your mom. A support group can help you with that. As for your mom feeling wrongly that she is responsible for your brother, that must be making you feel hopeless, which is why you must find ways to live your own life outside of this mess.
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Riverdale Nov 28, 2018
I think you have provided some good advice but I think that home environment is not one that is likely to be suitable for outside help. There are so many issues between the dangerous brother and the mother's state of mind.
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Your Mom needs to be evaluated by a Neurologist. A PCP is really not able to diagnose Dementia/ALZ. He can say he suspects it but more testing is needed especially if you want to get guardianship. Which you can use Moms money to get. Guardianship means Mom is incompetent and you have total control. You can then evict brother if u can prove he has abused her.

If you have witnesses to Brother abusing Mom you need it in writing. They may need to testify to this when getting guardianship.
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Since he is considered as having tenant's rights then you would have to formally evict him, the fact that he is living somewhere else since you are there may help with that process. The bottom line though is that although your mother has a diagnosis of dementia she is not yet deemed to be incompetent, at least her doctor doesn't consider her to be, so anything you manage to accomplish can be undone by her as soon as your back is turned. How committed are you to forcing change, do you really want to step into this?
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jujubee970 Nov 28, 2018
no he lives here The only one that can evict him is my mom but she wants him here. She thinks she is helping him but she is just enabling him. She thinks when he is gone on the weekends he is living under a bridge and trying to kill himself. One day she thought the police were looking for him because he stabbed some one. Her doctor think she is incompetent he just won't sign the dam paper. In fact he at one time before I got here told her he wouldn't see her anymore because she freak out in his office. She was screaming at him and the receptionist. She forgot and made an appointment withe him 3 years later.
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You could get a lawyer (Landlord & Tentent) and have him evicted. Yes, it will cause a riff in the home, but I have found out that sometimes it is better to rock the boat than do nothing at all.

How do you get mom to sign I am not sure, but I do know some landlords have people they know to handle the evictions by signing the power over to them as "Property Managers" than that person can sign the eviction notice and go to court in place of the Landlord. You could see if mom would sign that over to you. Or just call the lawyer and see what your options are. (Could hurt!)

You also could get 'Personal Protection Order" against your brother.
This really is not that expensive!
If you do go this route change all the locks to the house.

Why don't you call the police on him when he threatens you?

Don't know if this helps. It is just an idea!

It has to be awful to live that way.
Good Luck.
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jujubee970 Nov 28, 2018
I did call the police on him. They wouldn't do any thing. They asked him did you say you were going to kick her @ss and he said no. I live in a small town it seem the police here are different then where I'm from. The police would of arrested him in my home town. I went right after to get a restraining order but they just set for hearing for a week later. In my home town they would of issued a temporary restraining order. My dad likes to call city officials here the good ol boys club here.
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Sheesh.

It sounds horribly as though the various authorities in your area are treating you as if you are "guilty by association," combined with a reluctance to get involved in your brother's volatile atmosphere, combined with the difficulty of your mother's refusal to co-operate.

Supposing you go back to APS, update them, and tell them you feel you have no option but to resign your DPOA. If the DPOA is in effect because of your mother's supposed incapacity? which has made you her authorised payee? then, logically, on the face of it, if you remove yourself your mother must become their responsibility.

If they threaten you with H3ll and high water in response, tell them that without any support or any power to influence your mother's living conditions you cannot continue to have any responsibility for her, and ask them what they would do in your position.

By the way, if you were to walk would you have anywhere to go?
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jujubee970 Nov 28, 2018
No I would not have anywhere to live. I had two jobs that I had to quit to come here. I can't work now because of my mom needing some one here and I have a
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I called APS before I got here. They came to the house and did nothing. The doctor told me he wouldn't give it to me until I got a mental evaluation on her because having dementia doesn't mean you can't take care of yourself. I guess there is a mental section on the paper that he won't fill out himself. I can't get my mom to go to the doctors again. She is still pissed off about seeing her doctor last time. She tried to walk out 3 times when she was there. He is afraid my mom is going to sue him. He called me and said he couldn't fill it out until he's attorney looked at it. My brother is not taking her money now. That was before I got here. This is why he is so mad that I am here. He can't get her money anymore to buy drugs. I found needles in his room. On his floor and in his drawer I even told the officer and he said it is illegal for him or me to go in his room. The police in our small town know him very well.
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Countrymouse Nov 28, 2018
It isn't illegal for your mother to go into your brother's room. It's her house. I assume he's not paying rent or anything, is he?

I think the point the officer probably meant to make about the needles is that because of how you found them they're not useable evidence. In that respect, I expect he was right.
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Unless your brother served his full sentence there will be conditions to his release, doing drugs and hanging out with druggies could put him back behind bars. Could you convince your mom to come have a holiday at your home while you work towards removing bro and finding her a more suitable living arrangement?
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jujubee970 Nov 28, 2018
He is not on parole. He was in jail for driving without a licence. He is not doing any of that at the house now that i'm here. He goes to his friends houses. I do not have a home to take my mom to. I was living in another state at my daughter house before. She won't leave her house any ways. I told her to sell the house but she freaked out about it.
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Have you tried APS?

If you are now your mother's payee, how is your brother getting hold of her money?

How long has your mother's doctor kept you waiting about the guardianship application, and what makes you think he is afraid of being sued? - by whom, for what.

I'm sorry for the situation you're in, it must be absolutely miserable. How long have you been living with it?
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