I am currently struggling with Crohn's disease and colon cancer and I live in a different state than my aunt. She's 70 years old and has started making accusations that people are stealing hiding her things, even though she lives alone and no one is visiting her. Otherwise she sounds coherent when I talk to her, but she refuses to leave the house. She needs to move out of her apartment and find a new one as well. How can I get the state involved to make sure she gets the care she needs?
Please prioritize your own health first .
I’ve learned the hard way that we cannot permit elders’ stubbornness's to ruin our own lives or health . It did not help them in any great way , but it harms us .
Your aunt can not be reasoned with , whatever happens is not your fault , it’s dementia .
While I would agree - call APS, they might make a house visit to assess although I believe ultimately, there are a few major concerns / needs:
1a) Who has legal authority to make decisions on her behalf? This may be the first need to address for an/other to make decisions when she is deemed cognitively to be unable to do so.
- If this isn't / hasn't been set up, then it may still be up to her to make her own decisions. You would need to discuss with her MD.
1b) MD documentation confirming mental decline / unable to care for her own welfare (i.e., dementia).
2) I believe someone (family, friend, paid professional: i.e., social worker (or she would need to hire) to take necessary steps as [perhaps] determined by APS and/or her MD. In other words, I believe that government agencies do not do the 'footwork' to get a person placed, unless she becomes a ward of the state, which might be something to consider. Her MD can only make recommendations and provide documentation - to whoever is on her 'emergency' records to have that information shared / provided. Do you have this authorization (to be a contact / emergency person on her medical records? Is also needed for hospitalization to get information on her condition.
Glad you are now doing some of the needed paperwork.
Yes, as others have said, you need to focus / take care of yourself.
You must put yourself first. Guilt is a bit-h. We know. I recommend if people 'helping' (family or otherwise) make decisions based on guilt, that it is important to find out what is underneath it. What are the messages you are telling yourself? The more you know / believe that you DESERVE to value your self and put yourself first, the more you will hopefully feel that you do the best you an and that is all you can do.
And, you ARE doing a lot now.
Ultimately, it may be up to auntie to take care of herself and I realize this is a difficult reality to accept. You can't do what you can't do.
Gena / Touch Matters
Make sure you tell them that she is sundowning. I don't know if they will send someone after a certain time, but I would surely try to get them to do so.
I am so sorry for your woes, but you have enough on your plate and you now must concentrate on your own health. Let aunt know this. If you are truly concerned give a called to APS in her area and ask for a wellness check. Let them know you are ill, cannot travel and there's no way you can be responsible for any of this.
If you feel you have to call more often than once, that's fine. Do so.
And do understand that whether someone dies in their own home or in care, they are living their lives, and have had a long life, and there's no way for family to act in their behalf if they have their own travails and are not present in the same town.
These situations, you feel almost powerless, and especially if you live in another state. If she is uncooperative, that is equally harder.
I, too, live out of state from my aunt and her neighbor kept calling me that aunt needed help. I didn't know what to do, so I called EMT to come and look at her. They checked vital signs. She was good. They asked her if she wanted to be further evaluated. She said no. Declined to go with them and they left, leaving pamphlets on aging care that were useless.
I felt so defeated and angry at the same time because she refused help, except if it was coming from me or her neighbor.
I refused to let her burn me out. She only wanted things her way, so I left her to her own devices.
My saving grace is she does have another niece close by, but she checks on her when she can. Aunt still lives alone.
Sometimes it's just not much you can do, and especially if they're stubborn and uncooperative, and in denial.