How can I get my 84-yr-old mom excited about moving to independent living? She has some dementia, and is currently living with us.

Glad to see your post resurface as somehow in my first answer I missed the "independent living" part of your post. With "some dementia" it is too late for independent, as your mother cannot now, or soon cannot lived "independently." ALF is a much better placement.

Mom has dementia and can't reasonably be expected to have the capacity to make the decisions required. The disease affects more than memory, and so you will have to be the force behind any move--she likely can't juggle all the information and details required, and may already be struggling because of the loss of her husband.

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=awBm4S9NwJ0

Go look at some AL/MC facilities for her (depending on where she is in her dementia she may not need to go--my mom couldn't remember the first place we looked at, so I went and looked at others alone), choose the one you like that's close enough to you that it's not a hassle to go visit, and move her.

Short answer: You can't.

She'll probably fight you every step of the way.

You'll likely have to be a little pushy and she isn't going to be happy anywhere. That's just a very common and sad truth.

My step-mother was in AL for 2 years, with dementia we had to move her into MC after she began dumpster diving, actual climbing the ladder on the side of a commercial dumpster and jumping in, looking for treasures to bring back to her room.

I would say IL is not a good choice, AL with a step up program to MC would be my suggestion.

Just be honest with her, make the decision for her, with dementia they cannot make rational decisions.

Good Luck!

Like others have said, if your mom has dementia, she is past being able to live in an independent facility, but I'm sure would thrive in an assisted living facility where they also provide memory care when the time comes.
She will be around other folks her own age and kept busy with lots of different activities.
So next time you bring it up and she says that she hasn't thought much about it, you then say well I have, and come the first of the year we're going to find you the right and best facility to enjoy your final years.
Someone with dementia(as you already know)only gets worse, never better, so best now to get your ducks in a row so you and your husband can enjoy your final years as well.
Best wishes.

Re: dementia sufferers in assisted living: I was told by administrators at two different facilities that many of the residents in their assisted living wings had some degree of dementia. But as long as they could dress themselves, use the bathroom on their own, get along with other residents, and basically function without a lot of one-on-one help, they could stay in assisted living. I observed this to be true in interacting with some of the other residents. I suppose you would call it mild-to-moderate dementia. My own relative lasted about a year in AL before being moved to MC, and they knew all about her dementia, which was already moderate by then. It would have been inappropriate for her to go to MC sooner. So I don't agree with the advice that's been given here that if someone has dementia, they only belong in memory care. I have much respect for the amount of wisdom here, and recognize that most people have more wisdom and experience than I do. But of this one thing I am certain. If it's mild dementia, she'll be okay in AL for a while. (As to the advice to skip independent living and go straight to an AL that has an MC, yes, I agree with that.)

It’s up to you as to when your mom moves out of your home. If your mom has dementia I would bypass independent living altogether and choose a facility that has assisted living and memory care.

Don’t place the burden on your mom to know when it’s the right time to move. Instead reassure her that she will be well cared for and that you will visit her as often as you can.

Wishing you and your family all the best.

If she has dementia, she doesn't belong in independent living. She needs stability and structure, and memory care will provide that.

I imagine that she's not excited because she's out of the habit of caring for herself in her own surroundings, and yes, that habit goes out the window quickly. I also doubt she was doing it too well before her husband left the house, too. In spite of weekly day-long visits, I realized after the fact that my dad, who had no dementia but was caring for mom who did, was barely holding it together running a household and being a full-time caregiver.

Ensure you're putting Mom in the proper level of care, because moving her multiple times isn't going to go well.

When you say independent living do you mean that your mother will have her own small apartment, or will she have only a single bedroom? This makes all the difference.

Putting aside the fact that you cook, clean, and do everything for her she's probably doesn't want to go because she's afraid to be alone. At your house, you and your husband are there.

You have to be honest with her though that it's time for her to move to her own place because living with you was only going to be temporary. You don't have to make her uncomfortable about it. She's moving out and that's the end of it.

Hopefully the independent living will allow her to have a small dog or a cat. It's good for people to have an animal. It would also be a good idea to get a hired companion for your mother to spend time with her and take her out a few hours a week. It will take time for her to adjust, but she will. Get her moved before there's a health crisis and she can't move to independent living.

From your profile:

About Me
I am married and lucky to have such a supportive husband who offered to have my Mom to stay with us after the loss of her husband (from dementia). She is 84, and cared for her husband at home for 3+ yrs during his dementia until we convinced her he needed professional help. We moved him into a Memory Care facility, which was tough on her. While they were both still living at home, it became evident that she was beginning to have her own issues. We are in the process of testing for her to identify her diagnosis. While they were living at home, she began to hear "music, voices, and seeing people" in the house - all hallucinations. She has been with us since 7/3/23, and I'm trying to get some input from this group on how to get her excited about maybe moving to an indepedent living facility - and making it HER idea :) 

I would not be moving an elder with dementia, who's having hallucinations and hearing voices/seeing people, into Independent Living, but into a full service Assisted Living facility (with Memory Care available) where she can have all the help she needs as needed. Things will only get worse and then you'll have to move her again, which isn't good.

I'd also choose a moving date and stick to it.

I doubt you'll get mom "excited" because change is scary for elders, especially those with dementia who thrive on routine and the "sameness" they can rely on. Here is a link with tips on how to help transition a loved one into AL:

https://workingdaughter.com/when-you-move-a-parent-to-assisted-living/

Best of luck to you.

I can't tell if your father is still alive and living in memory care? Would living in the same complex be appealing to her? It sounds like she's being very clear with you that she likes it where she is and isn't in any hurry to change. So you will need to be honest now. It probably seems to her that she's been with you for only a short time.

Take advantage of the hospitality of an independent living facility. Take her to lunch there. Let her meet some happy residents. She’ll be able to imagine herself having fun with likeminded folks rather than hanging around your house.

Make it a bit uncomfortable for her in your home. Don’t rush home to cook for her. Don’t be at her beck and call for recreation. Make it clear that your husband comes first. Get her to the point where she realizes that it’s not sustainable to mooch off you.

And do it before a health event that makes it impossible for her to go.

Well, you will have now to be honest, won't you.
Don't expect her to like it, nor to adjust very easily.
But this is something you must lay out for her, that you do not wish to live with others, and that you and your husband wish to live together alone in your home. That you will always love, support and help her, visit and etc, go out for lunches and what have you, but that there IS a time crunch and THAT TIME IS NOW. Tell her at the beginning of the year you will assist her in exploring her options, but that she will be required to pick ONE for herself within a few months time.

Beating around the bush and avoiding the truth isn't going to work. She may cry, rage, guilt trip you, do the martyr turn, and all are just fine. Meet whatever she puts out with this is simply a limitation of your, that you and hubby have discussed and agreed.

This is, of course, the problem with bringing someone into your home temporarily. It is a perfect set up for painting yourself right into a corner. Only honesty will get you out of it.