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My mom came to live with me 3 1/2 years ago. I have been her sole caretaker. I am now so exhausted that everything I loved to do I am too tired to do. I don't talk to friends because emotionally I am dried out. My elderly Mom has dementia but she told me that she is never leaving and when she dies she is taking me with her. I need to have my own life and I don't know where to go from here. She found a way to get kicked out of her condo and I came and got her. I thought this situation would be temporary " stupid me" It wasn't and she says she will never leave. My mom is slowly killing me and I don't know what to do. I am so tired that I can't function some days. Her medication for the evening works sometimes. She is fixated on me and me serving her is all that maters. She didn't let me help in her finances so she lost her condo. I pray that I can get some options.
Thank You,
MD

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You Mom has Dementia. The first thing that goes is her ability to reason. Then the ability to show empathy. They get self-centered. They are in their own little world.

As said, you need a formal diagnosis. Make an appt late in the day. This is when she is more likely to "sundown". Will be hard to "showdown".

If Mom ends up in the hospital and/or rehab this is the time to have her evaluated for 24/7 care. If found she needs it, refuse to take her home. Tell them you can no longer care of her because its effecting your health. If need be, allow the State to take over her care. They can get things done a lot quicker than you can.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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For your mother to say that when she dies she’s taking you with her is heartless and cruel, even if it is the dementia talking. Make a doctor appointment, if you don’t think her current doctor will help, find a new one. Tell what you’ve said here and ask for help, don’t accept less. I’m very sorry for your experience
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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You have to go to your town's probate court and apply for conservatorship over your mother. You can even have the court appoint a conservator of their choosing to handle the responsibility of your mother. That's also an option if you don't want to do it. This is even better than POA because it's even higher and sometimes a person with just the POA depending on the state they're in can run into problems when they only have the POA.
Make an appointment for your mother to see her primary care doctor. Talk to him beforehand and explain the living situation to him and the dementia. You need to have it documented because your mother refuses to do any POA willingly and that you have to petition the court for conservatorship. The doctor will test her and normally will do the paperwork you need for the court.
There is a chance that your mother will do a bit of 'showtiming' for the doctor, he buys it and does not make a dementia diagnosis and deems her mentally fit. This happens sometimes.
If this happens you may have to begin the eviction process to get your mother out of your house. I hope it doesn't come to this for you.
Then there's the last resort option. Drop her off in a hospital ER and ask for a 'Social Admit'. They will bring a hospital social worker to come and talk with you.
You tell them that your are unwilling and unable to continue being your mother's caregiver and that you refuse to take her back into your home. The hospital will keep her there until they find a care facility to place her in. I hope it doesn't come to this for you either.
I wish you the best of luck in getting your home and life back. Keep us posted.
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Reply to BurntCaregiver
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You've been given some options here. What do you think?

At what point will you decide that your physical/mental/emotional health matters enough that you will make a change in this situation?

Your mother lost her condo because she wouldn't let you help with her finances, so what is happening with her finances now?

Have you considered looking into Medicaid eligibility?

Do you work? What is your financial situation if you don't?

Are you willing to change your situation, and get your mother placed in a facility? It doesn't matter what she wants anymore. Read Grandma1954's advice below very carefully, as that is how you will get a quick resolution to your awful situation.

How is it that you ended up becoming her slave? Is there no other family in the picture at all?
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Reply to CTTN55
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I Thank Your so much for the sound advice. I don't have health POA. She won't let that happen. She wants me to serve 24 hours a day. Her doctors told me that they can't get involved.
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Reply to mdebrosse1
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Grandma1954 May 25, 2021
The doctors have to have made a diagnosis. If that diagnosis is dementia or any diminished capacity then you can place her. And at that point she can not appoint anyone POA.
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Are you her PoA? If so you can place her whether she wants to go or not. Check the PoA doc to see what triggers your authority. It may be that she needs a medical diagnosis (hopefully not 2).
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Reply to Geaton777
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If she has been diagnosed with dementia you can place her despite her wishes.
Frankly with the threat that she will take you with her when she dies would have me concerned. If that is the case and if she repeats it call 911 and tell the dispatcher that you have been threatened and are concerned for your safety. Please tell the dispatcher that the person that is threatening you has dementia, the response team should take that into consideration when responding.
Once transported to the hospital talk to the Social Worker and let them know that you can no longer care for her and you need help finding placement.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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Please see her doctor, get the documentation that is needed to judge your Mom incompetent in her own behalf. Then see an elder law attorney for guardianship. With this guardianship you will be able to place your Mom in LTC.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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