How can I get my Father to slow down?

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My father is 83 years old, a heart patient and won't slow down. He still continues to run a 210 acre ranch with cattle, tractors and haying machines. He will not admit he is no longer capable in handling these responsibilities. I end up each evening after work tring to finish the daily chores and messes he gets into. The past four months he has nearly burned the garage down, received two broken rips from a wild cow charging him, broken more equipment and tools to list but continues to spend money like there is no tomorrow. He has completed depleted his savings of over $80,000 dollars in five years. Buying a new pick truck with payments and a new tractor with payments plus other farming machinery he does not need. He baled hay to sell the last two years, only to sell it for less than what he has invested. I two have broken my arm, my fingers and a foot while working for him on the ranch. I am a 53 year old woman with a full time job. And frankly I am scared to help for fear I will get hurt again. If he buys anything new, it soon breaks or is a "piece of crap" because it is not the miracle item it claimed to be. I get no help or sympathy from my only living brother and my husband is resentful of the time I spend with Dad. Today I have not accomplished anything at work for worrying about the call I received this morning from Dad. The dog got into something and tore it up and he was angry and ended up hanging up on me. There is not a day go by, that I don't shutter and look at the caller ID on the phone worrying about what he has screwed up or threw across the yard. This has been going on for five years. I sold me big house across county and built a small apartment across the road from Dad so I could help him. He is mostly independent, but must call me three and four times a day at work to tell me what he has done or how he is feeling or he will stop buy my work at least once a day and I must go by every night after work before I go home. I feel like I have no life. By the time I get home, it is 7 or 8 o'clock and I am exhausted and even then he will call me at least another 2 or 3 times before bed. My house is a mess, my yard is a mess, my work is becoming a mess and I am financially a mess. My hole life is a mess. I can't do anything at home with out him calling to have me come help get the horses back in because he left the gate open or help him cook or install a light fixture. I have stayed home to clean the house or pay the bills and not tell him I was off so he wouldn't bother me but he lives across the street and sometimes watches the house with binoculars. I have tried setting guidelines and bounders but then he calls with an emergency and I am right back over there. Or he calls because something or someone made him mad and hangs up on me. My life is a mess and I don't know how to stop this cycle. I want him to sell everything and buy a small house closer to town but he won't have that. I am at my wits end. Does anyone have any suggests?

Help 409ranch Daughter

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You are not the first person to discover that making a decision and carrying it out are two different things! But don't despair. That wasn't you last chance to take action.

Since you have been in this pattern of meek compliance and inner seething for decades it is going to take more than wishful thinking to break out of it. If the nudges you get here are not enough, counseling might be the next step.

Keep us informed ... accountability is helpful, too.
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Oh that is me. You hit the nail on the head. I sit there noding my head while he tells me everything that needs to be done and everyday the list grows and now he has waited unil the hot summer is upon us to get us to start working outside.

I think he knows I am trying to avoid the talk and avoid him. He maybe old but he's not stupid. He is just loney. And instead of getting more involved with his clubs and intrest he is stepping way and going less. Several people have told him he talks to much and offers advice unsolicited. That he needs to keep his oppions to himself. And he is so one sided and prejudice. And knows everything. At least everything that is fifty years old or older. He does not understand that just because it was done one way fifty years ago is may be better to do things differently. And why is he telling me his old military stories. And why is he lying about these stories. He wants to be "someone" important. Oh, I know I'm wining and I know what needs to be done but but but - I know NO BUTS! I inherited the procrastination gene from my father.

OK. I will set a time and a place to sit down and do this. I am not 5 years old.

Thanks ChistinaW
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Give me you hand--spank spank. Heehee.
Are you having Conversations with Dad, or are you sitting there like a 5 year old nodding you head while Daddy tells you what to do? You know I am not serious and I am not lecturing:)
"Dad, what about my job, my husband, my life? I think you need to hire a ranch hand and let me just be your daughter. OK ? "
How's that? One step at a time. Don't make me spank you again.
Engage him in a two-way exchange of ideas. Don't back down. Good luck, Dear One, xo
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Have you heard that song? "Back Sliding Again". We here I am to say I have not held up my end of the bargain. I spent yesterday evening sitting in a hot car listening to everything Dad needs me to help on the farm. I have to say I was sick to my stomach and wanted to cry. I knew if I opened my mouth, it would come out all wrong and only create more of a battle. I have learned over the years that there are better times to choose your battle, and springing it on Dad at the wrong time will only lead to dissaster. He did notice my discontent and asked why I was frowning. I explained the chores he listed was not how I wanted to spend my extra time but I didn't enlighten him on what I really wanted. I know I have to have this talk, or my depression will only worsen. I tossed and turned last night as I do many nights, trying to get this off my mine. I don't want to say this, but I love my father, I just don't like him. I did not share this information with my husband, because it only make him mad and defensive. Better get that counciling like I said I would. Maybe that will give me thes strenght to talk to Dad and explain how I feel.
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Dad has a lot of spunk but his daughter has more. I admire you 409ranch for rolling up your sleeves and getting to work on YOUR life before your dad's problems consumed you. Your plans sound like winners!! Stay strong. Please share your experiences because they will be helpful for others and that's what this site is all about.
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Fantastic, 409. You are a quick problem solver. Must come from good stock:)
God Bless you all, and may Dad accept the Grace given to him to make the changes necessary. Keep us posted;) xo
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Well y'all, I have started the process and will keep posting updates as I go along. I stayed home yesterday and slept. Everything is possible when you are fully refreshed and not exhausted and stressed out. I talked with my husband, showed him this site and my question and he now realizes I am on his side. We are working on the yard Saturday and getting our house in order, scheduling several yard sales and maintenance days at the house. I’ll get the horses back in my fields and remove all the livestock from Dad’s. I have made arrangements with a couple local cowboys to help me load all the cattle and haul them to the sale barn and Dad is in complete agreement do to his financial and physical situation. After this is done, I will start to sell off some of the nonessential equipment. Dad and I are going to have the "What I want to do when I grow up" talk on Sunday. He is going to know that ranching is neither mine nor my brothers dream. But I will continue to support him (not manually, but mentally) if he wants to continue his haying business.
I don't mind spending the Day with him on Sunday or any day from that matter but I don't want to be fixing fences and hauling hay. Also, I called my company's employee assistant line and scheduled a couple of counseling sessions to keep me focused and balanced. Time to take control of my life! Next, I am calling my brother. He doesn't have to be actively involved with the everyday care of Dad, but he must know what is going on. I don't have to carry this load by myself. This will be a weekly call. No need to go months on end without communicating.
At 53, I need to start preparing myself for retirement. I love my father and I will take care of him, but not at the cost of my physical or mental health. He has this idea that we are going to move in with him and take care of him and that will not happen and I have told him this, but I don’t think he hears everything I say. He is too controlling and domineering. If I can work on his finances, get him some long term care insurance, then I can reassure him that he can stay in his home as long as we can afford this expense.
Wow – I feel like a new person. I said it once and I will say it again, God Bless this Site and God Bless your support.
409ranch Daughter!
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meh, i sed the same thing jeanne said but mine was just less diplomatic and with cool visuals. am i the only one who sees a determined old cat baling up saplings and fencerows with chickens running for their lives?
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As usual, Jeannegibbs is right on. This is probably all you needed to hear, 409. The next time he calls, I would calmly say, "Gee, Dad, I know I have been helping you a lot, but I must tend to my job and my own home to get back on track."
When you don't jump every time he calls, he may come to the decision himself--which is what we all must do about anything in our own lives--that he needs to call it quits and enter the next chapter, as difficult as that may be:(
Jeanne covered it completely:)) xoxo
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You have opened my eyes. This is his dream and not mine. I must tell him how I feel. Yes it will be hard but I am an adult and a professional and its timeDaddy cut the baling wire. Bless you and bless the site.
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