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I live together with my parents. I take care of my mom literally 24/7. I am not just a companion and perform round the clock skilled nursing duties. In addition, I do all the cooking, cleaning, household duties, dishes, vacuuming, coordinate doctor appointments, therapy, dad's cancer visits, pay bills and the list goes on and on. I do not get a wage for what I do other than see my mom thrive against all odds. My father is a complete hothead who I believe in my core that he has some mental illness, perhaps dementia. He is horrifically abusive, is losing cognitive abilities, yells and screams making the environment stressful. She has had 4 brain surgeries, infections and if I wrote all of what happened to her, would take up the remaining characters to type! He contributes NOTHING to her hands on care and refuses to see that at age 39, if you don't want to hire respite care once in a while for me, there should be some backup for a few hours per week. The real problem is that APS, 911, social workers and doctors have been involved with this situation and although they feel it's an unsafe house, the fact that I am there makes it alright! My father kicks people out of the house because they find a need for change and he doesn't like that. We have a very dangerous bathroom setup for my mom and she will definitely fall, not if, but when. He refuses to change the whirlpool tub to a standard tub. When the visiting nurse who comes once a month made a comment and the physical therapist made a suggestion after seeing us get her into the shower, he kicked them out yelling and screaming and quite frankly not even processing what they were telling him correctly. I cannot live in these conditions and if I am not there, NOBODY will take care of my mother. My delusional father cannot even assess her needs, how could he provide for her? He doesn't know how to do ANYTHING for her! I have tried to get him evaluated for possible Dementia or Alzheimer's, but every attempt backfires. It is truly h*ll on earth for me and I really just want peace to be able to care for my mom. I gave up my life and saved her from death for this reason. Is there a way to make someone step in who has the authority to assess and mandate changes for the good of this situation?

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I'd get out of their house and into your own place so that you would have more leverage and a place for your mother to move to. You can't change your dad or your mother. You can only change how you are dealing with all of this. Personal choice is about the only choice we really have.
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What does your mother want?

What does your father's doctor say about medication to calm him?

what plans to evaluate him have backfired?

in your place, if mom agreed, I would get her out of there and find someplace else for the two of you to live. If she would be safe during the day at adult daycare, you could get back to work.

you may not have a choice but to wait for him to be hospitalized and then refuse to take him home.
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What kind of cancer did your dad have? Was it cured or is it in remission? How long ago was it? The reason I am asking is perhaps he is afraid of losing control of his life. You, his beautiful 39 year old daughter, are an interloper. His entire life has changed, people telling him what to do, when to do it. His wife is now fragile (Four Brain Surgeries?) and he can't do a darn thing about any of it. Except to yell and scream. You see yourself as the cavalry, he sees you as a buttinsky.

OK. That's one theory. There are certainly others. Has he always been this loud and obnoxious? Has he been physically abusive? Is this a lifelong personality or is it new. I do feel for you, I'm sorry that you gave up your life. Perhaps you can move your mother to another house with just the two of you. Would Mom go for that? I'm sure you could find a safer house with better bathroom facilities.

I'm a bit of a perfectionist myself, and it has been very difficult over the years for me to realize that I cannot have everything the way I would like it to be. For example, ripping out the bathtub and installing better bathing facilities is disruptive, expensive and sometimes requires major remodeling of the house. So, we use a transfer bench in the bathtub and a hand held shower head. Do we get water in the floor? Yes, most times, but a towel or two sops it up. We did replace the toilet with a raised one, that was an easy fix. Home Depot sells arms that fit on the toilet. Grab bars all over the place. Right now, it's the best we can do. I could go on, but I won't. The toughest part is maintaining a sense of humor and don't lose yourself in the caregiving. I believe that things happen as they are supposed to. We are not really in control.

Call a Home Health agency and hire a sitter for a few hours. It's money well spent. Sitters are not medically trained and have no opinion. They are just companions for a while. They wouldn't be a threat to your father.
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How old is your mom and dad? I assume that you have durable and medical POA for both of them.

I don't think that is possible for it is their house. You could get the authority to take charge of their care by filing for guardianship which is an expensive and difficult process.
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