How can I do this?

texas,

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I know how hard it is.
I want to tell you something though. I was a hospice caregiver for several years. Many times a person holds on when there are people around. They stay tethered in this life and won't depart for the next.
When the loved ones take a break and the leave for a while, often that's when they pass. They wait until they're alone. No one is really alone though. Death is what follows life and after that is peace and a place beyond all pain and suffering. Your mother's loved ones will bring her to her peace.
God bless you.

I'm sorry for your loss texasdr22 🤗

I dying person has already been disconnected from the outside world. Being there or not when she dies will make no difference. If you can't face seeing and hearing her last signs of life, leave. You really have no obligation to suffer for her. She did reach a long life, well beyond the expected life expectancy. This is not a premature death, it's perfectly normal. Not everybody can deal with this. I couldn't myself. How you treat somebody while alive is what counts, not when they are dying or after they are gone. Staying with a dying person to the end, is a ritual invented by our society. There is no scientific reason for doing it.

I know that was terribly hard for you, but know that the memory of those torturous last hours will fade from your memory a month from now and will be replaced by the happier memories. That's our mind's way of getting us through the hardest times.

Peace to you.

She may be gone now, but my step dad was given medication for his breathing when it got bad in the hours before he died.

I know of three people who waited until everyone was gone before they let go and died.

If it is causing you distress, give yourself permission to step away for a while.

Texasdr
May you find peace on your mother's passing. I was with my mother when she passed away on Mother's Day 2014. I will always be grateful I was with her when she died. She suffered from end stage COPD and finally her lungs could no longer sustain her life. She died peacefully with her family surrounding her and comfortably sedated until her last breath.

Texasdr
I am glad you and mom are released from this difficult passage. Wishing you peace and rest.

It is with both sadness and joy that I tell everyone that my precious Mother passed away at 11:45pm on Palm Sunday. I will miss her every day of my life but am thankful the Lord saw fit to take her Home and end her battle with this cruel unbeatable foe known as dementia.

And, yes, I was with her when she took her last breath and am very glad I was able to be with her.

Thanks to everyone for all the advice and wisdom that you have provided for me throughout this long journey.

I'm so very sorry that you have to go through this.

I can empathize. I sat with my mother for 4 days while she "transitioned". I also listened to that horrible "rattle". I get exactly where you're coming from.

And I freely admit that I probably did everything "wrong". I didn't play soft music and talk to my mother. I just couldn't. I was afraid that I would break down, and I was terrified that her hearing me in distress would compel her to "come back" - for lack of a better way of putting it. I had an excellent relationship with my mom so I didn't feel like there were things I had to say for either of us to be at peace. My mom had zero fear of dying, so I didn't feel compelled to need to relieve her of fear. She enjoyed quietness in her house so I didn't think that music was a necessity. I just sat with her. Was it enough? I don't know. I do know that I don't regret not doing any of the things that I read in the hospice pamphlet about things I could do while my LO was actively dying.

And I will also freely admit another thing. Worse than the rattle, worse than the phases of dying to me was the tedium. I know that sounds absolutely cold hearted. But the days of sitting there, the minutes blending one into another while listening to each damn breath, wondering if that was the last...if you ask me what my vision of hell is, I think that might be it. The timelessness of waiting. Being caught between your guilt at wanting to leave and your compulsion to stay.

I had just woken up from a brief nap when my husband came into the room, and about 2 minutes after that my mom took her last breath. It was such a relief that the waiting was over, I don't think the grief really hit me until the next morning. I was just so thankful that it was over. It's really the only guilt I feel at this point, and frankly that fades every day. I know that I did the best I could through the entirety of caregiving and at the end of the day, that's all anyone can do or should expect of you.

(((hugs))).

Can you play some soothing music to help with hearing each breath?

I am so sorry you are losing your mom. May The Lord give you strength, peace and courage during this difficult time.

If you need to leave for your peace of mind, you go. People feeling guilty because someone died alone is not a realistic expectation. Every single one of us will die alone. It is one journey no one can take with you. If you can be there and it doesn’t mess with your head, certainly be there. If it is too much, you can kiss them, tell them that you are so proud of them, that this is so hard and they are doing so well and that taking the next step is hard but that they are not alone. Even when it feels like it is a jump, God is there (obviously this is different if you don’t have a faith). He is already holding them.

I sat with my mom for a day and a half with the rattle, it is very disconcerting. I am not as visual of a person as my DH… I have had a number of times where I have walked someone out of the world. But, it doesn’t stick as an image in my head. It does with him. He is a very strong and wonderful human being… we are just built differently. If it is more disturbing than meaningful to you, there is nothing wrong with going.

Our society has a strange expectation of control in these situations. No one can predict death and it really is a solitary journey. You can love someone deeply and not be there when they pass. Billions of people have passed on without someone with them and no one should have guilt because of that. I hope this make sense. There is nothing to “forgive yourself” for, it is a part of life, a very sad one, that you cannot control. Give yourself some love. I wish you all of the best.

((((( hugs))))). I was not with my mother at the very end. I got the call that she was dying, got a plane, flew down and got there late at night. ( I lived 5 hr. + drive away,) She was peaceful and recognized me. I stayed with her a while and the gave her a kiss and said I had to go and would see her the next day. I was too tired to stay all night. The next day there was an ice storm and the roads were terrible - buses in the ditch and so on. It wasn't wise to drive. I called the nurse and was told she had just passed. I was and am OK with that. You do what you can.

It's OK to stay if you need to and it's OK to leave if you need to. Sometimes our LOs want to be alone when they pass and will wait till anyone in the room goes for a break. Sometimes our LO passes when we are there. There's no right or wrong way. You love her and she knows that. You cared for her and she knows that. And she loves you.

You’re a good son.

Praying for you tonight.

My mother died at home in her flat, with me on a truckle bed just outside her small bedroom. I’ve forgotten the name of the end-of-life breathing, but it did last for several hours. I knew what it was (a gurgle in her throat that she could no longer swallow), and it didn’t worry me. Since then I have become much more used to wearing industrial ear plugs, and I might put them in if I was in the same position again. The doctor visited, bent down and spoke quite loudly in her ear, and she responded. Hearing is the last thing to go. Mum actually died in her sleep in the night while I was also asleep just outside (in the space of a couple of hours). Those ‘BBC deaths’ (the Beeb is particularly good at them) which are so quiet and quick, are just crap.

The sounds didn’t bother me because I understood, and I was glad that the end was coming. Don’t be afraid, don’t be upset. There is nothing you can do wrong now. Cope the best way for you both, for the little time that’s left. Lots of love, Margaret

I know it’s really hard. I just went through this with my dad on November 2, 2021. I had read and hospice told us that day to talk to him because the hearing is the last to go. There is no way to tell you how to get through all of this unfortunately. The thing that helped me the most was knowing he had lived and done a lot he was. 88. All I can really say is to pray and ask god to help you through this even if you don’t believe he will be there. I hope you are not alone if nothing else if you can rely on hospice to help you they are really great.

Yes. Speak loudly and clearly to her as you smooth her brow, rub her arm, and run your hands thru her hair. Tell her how much you love her, and thank her for all she's done for you throughout your life, as your mom. Kiss her cheek. Turn the music up in the room to help drown out the sounds you don't want to hear. Say all you need to say to her, and that you know the rest of the family is awaiting her arrival now so they can have a big reunion. Then leave. Go home and have a glass of wine and wait for The Call. She's not alone. She's already left her body. Her soul has transitioned to the other side where she's at perfect peace now with God. ALL you're witnessing is the death of her mortal body which is hanging on and struggling to take its final breath. The essence of who she IS is watching you suffer, at her bedside, from above, and sending you strength for this final farewell.

This is exactly what I did in my mom's final hours. I did not want to be left with that final memory of her gasping to take her last breath. So I left before she did. And went back to sit with her after she passed and all was quiet.

My deepest condolences, dear one. Sending you big hugs from across the miles