My mother discovered in April of 2025 that she had a bump on her left breast. It was stage 2 cancer. It was removed 10 days ago but while checking her, they discovered that she has two tumors in her colon. My mom and I are best friends. My mother in law now feels that she has more experience than anyone bc she has lost a lot of her family members to cancer. She will call my husband to ask him or tell him what she believes about my mom’s illness or she will call me and straight out tell me that what her sister went through was horrible and that her breast cancer ended spreading to the other breast so she decided to stop the treatment. That she ended up dying. I don’t want to constantly talk about this and least of all with her. I lost my dad to colon cancer in Nov 2009 (it was Thanksgiving) and my husband was deployed. I called my in laws to let them know and she cut me short, saying that the glass in their oven had shattered so they needed to go to the daughter’s house(she lives next door to them)to cook the turkey. That she would call me back. I was so devastated and alone. My kid was in second grade at the time and we had 4 Toy Poodles(mom, dad and two puppies). My mother in law never called me back. My husband is the youngest of two and the only boy. His mom is Puerto Rican and his dad from Ecuador. My mom is From Spain and my dad was from Alabama. He Was in the US Air Force for 25 years. That includes 1 year in Vietnam. My husband was in the US Navy for 20 years. I don’t know what to do bc this has always been one of the reason for my hubby &I to argue. I don’t want her to be part of this journey bc she has made it clear that bc i’m not their blood, I’m not family. She has been throwing at us that she wants to move in with us and I physically & mentally get sick. I’ve straight out told her that when my husband retires, we want to move to Spain so I can finally reconnect with my family there.
Do not tell your husband anything about Mom then he can't share the info with MIL. Tell MIL your Mom has requested you not talk about her health issues with others.
Your MIL moving in...after my FIL passed, my MIL was on my DH about moving near her. My DH handled this by just letting her talk. No yes or no. He retired, it got worse. She got me on the phone one day and said the house behind her was for sale. I told her we were not moving down there. I had my two adult girls, grandson and my 80yr old widowed mother living here. I was not leaving my family. Her reply "Bring Mom here". "No, she has her friends and Church and I am not taking her away from that." Her reply "We all need to compromise". In my mind "everyone but but you". Make sure you are firm in saying "Sorry, but you will never be living with us. Not with the way you have treated me. That arrangement would never work.
Believe me when I say this, if you have a strained relationship with her now, your life and any lives living in your home will be destroyed if she moves in. So, don't allow that.
Next time she calls, tell her plainly that your mother is taking the advice of her doctors and since she (your MIL) is not one of her doctors, there's no need for her to be advising either one of you on your mother's condition. In fact, you don't even need to take her calls. If she wants to bend your husband's ear with her medical "expertise" on cancer and treatment, that's on him not you. Don't take her calls.
It's not about your MIL. Your mother is the one going through it and she is the priority. If your MIL gets offended, too damn bad.
Also clarify with him that her moving in with you will be over your dead body. Get him to say he will be clear about this with his Mom -- not to avoid it or let her think it will happen. It's a straight up "Sorry Mom, this isn't part of our future plan." If he can't do this, then suggest couples counseling and make sure to do it. Don't let him get away with being passive-aggressive. You'll regret it.
From now on he's the one communicating with your Mom for everything, not you. And he's not to blame you to his Mom for not being able to tell her or discuss it. He needs to be able to say, "I'm not going to discuss Wife or MIL's issues with you. Let's talk about something else..." This is called a boundary.
May your Mom's health improve and you receive peace in your heart as you work through marriage and family issues.
Tell your husband that he is not to discuss your mothers health information with his mother. While it is not a HIPAA violation it is a breach of confidence, you trust him with information that should remain between the two of you.
Another part of your post..
Her moving in with you and your husband..
Have you discussed this with your husband and how you feel about it?
What is his response?
How does he feel about moving to Spain?
Seems like you have a lot to discuss and figure out.
And it’s your husband’s job to back you up about not having his mother move in .