My mom is 61 and has advanced Dementia. She was also diagnosed with having dementia related schizophrenia. She sits around and talks to herself all day, then tells me she can’t do stuff because certain ppl who don’t exist, tell her not to.
The new new thing is bathroom issues. She “can’t” use the bathroom because she can only use a new toilet. She can't use it behind me, or a man (husband) or my children. She can’t squat over the toilet because it will break her hands. If she uses my toilet she will die. If I walk her into the bathroom and tell her to pee, she will refuse and Pee on the floor. She pees through the depends. She says she doesn’t have to listen me and Pee in the toilet because it’s really me peeing on myself...If I try to resolve whatever excuse she is making of why she can’t use the toilet, she immediately finds another reason. She pees in the bed, and on the carpet, she sometimes takes the depends off and put it in the trash, other times on my daughters dollhouse. Once she told me, I don’t have to use the toilet, I can just pee in the depends. She is already on anti-psychotic meds... what to do???
As an aside, I am pregnant... with a 1yo, 4yo and 6yo. I trying to help her and keep her at home, but she won’t listen to anything I say.
How do you know she won’t become violent towards you or your kids?
As your kids get older they’ll have the stress and bad memories of grandma acting crazy and peeing on the floor. Do you want that for them? You’re used to Moms problems, but they are not. Yes it would be difficult to bring all four kids to visit her in a facility... it will be way more difficult for your kids to undo the mental damage living with her will cause. And you will feel terrible knowing this damage could have been prevented.
I get the sense that you have probably been Mom’s caretaker (and thinking something, or some medication, can help her) since you were a kid yourself. The roles got reversed a long time ago. Now you have your own kids that HAVE to come first. You likely have bad memories growing up with her... do you want your kids to have the same bad memories?
Mom won’t get better. No med is going to fix this. Alzheimer’s is bad enough; Alzheimer’s and schizophrenia is a recipe for true disaster.
The question isn’t “how to convince her to use the toilet?”... it’s “How can I get Mom in a safe place so my own kids will be safe, and how quickly can it be done?”.
As for the kids, she watched and cared for the 4 and 6 year olds a lot when they were little. They saw her everyday and they were best friends. She bought them everything and turned her whole house into a play place (I’m sure the irrationality of that was partially the dementia)... anyway, they are fiercely protective of her and were sad when she was away at the hospital for those months. They know that granny’s brain is broken, but tend to ignore her. They are also learning about humility, that people aren’t perfect and that we take care for the people that we care about. They learn it’s okay to be frustrated sometime, to forgive and to start each day fresh. Hopefully those things stick.
Anyway, thank you for the comment and I will consider what you have said.
I'm hoping you have durable PoA for your mom. If not, it may be legally too late with her cognitive issues for her to understand what she'd be signing. You will need to pursue guardianship if you are wiling/able to continue to manage her affairs and care. If you don't have either PoA or guardianship, then legally managing anything for her will be much more difficult and the county will eventually pursue it and call all the shots. It will be helpful to know this info from you. Also, does your mom have financial means? Maybe you could hire in-home help for the day so that your children can have your full attention and you won't be ground down to the point of exhaustion. It wouldn't hurt to just start researching local facilities, prices and waiting lists so that when you are ready for this option you won't be in a panic trying to do it. You don't mention a spouse or partner...if there is one, this whole arrangement is also not fair to them. Finally, I'm hoping you are not financing anything for your mom. This is robbing you and your children, even if you don't see it like that. Caregiving can be very expensive. Medicaid can be an option. I'm hoping this info is not dismaying to you...you need to know what the options can be in order to make wise decisions on behalf of your immediate family. You are doing an incredibly difficult thing and may you be blessed for it. I wish you peace in your heart as you make decisions regarding your mom and her care.
I agree with CM. It's going to be very hard to manage 4 very young children and keep your mother and them safe.
I don't see how you can keep both her and your family safe and well in the same house. Have you been offered alternatives and don't like the look of them, or have you not got that far yet?
Such a young age for your poor mother to be suffering so dreadfully, I'm so sorry for what you're all going through.