How can I convince my elderly mother that she is being manipulated?

I’m sorry for the passing of your sister, had she been sick ? I’m actually curious to know what type of relationship did you have with your sister? You said your mother lived with your sister for many years and she did all of the caregiving —-who had poa during the years your your sister was her sole caregiver??

I was going to suggest bringing mom to your place for an extended visit, but that doesn't get him out of the house. It might be enough to convince her to agree to selling and moving in, but who knows what he might be capable of if left alone in the house.

"She thinks she hid it somewhere, but I know he stole it." You KNOW he stole it or you are fairly sure he stole it? Without proof, this is a 'he said she said' situation. That isn't likely to fly with APS. It certainly wouldn't hold up in a court.

Curious, if she was going to visit her sister, why would she even need $500.00?

I think another person's suggestion about moving in with her might work for a while to help sort things out. What exactly does he do for your mother, besides use her CC for lottery tickets? Does he clean, prepare meals, do the grocery shopping, maintenance, taxi her to appts? Or does he just take up space and rack up utility costs on top of CC bills for lottery tickets? Your sister may have been doing all this, and perhaps could get him off his duff to tackle some issues, but if he isn't doing anything to assist her, move in yourself to see for yourself and then make plans for how to deal with this.

Contacting APS may not get you anywhere, esp since you have nothing really concrete to show them. If he's using her CC, that's a legal issue with the bank. If she is letting him use it, that's different than him taking it from her without permission. It sounds like she may back him up, not you, if you pursue this avenue.

Until you can find a legal way to get him out or convince her to move, living there yourself may be the only way to know exactly what's going on. You can surmise all you want, but currently you have little or no proof. It doesn't sound like living there is really going to drive him out. He had no job, probably no savings, why would he want to move? If it is unpalatable having you there, he'd probably just spend the bulk of the day elsewhere and come back to sleep there.

The best scenario would be to get him out and provide care yourself or hire care givers, but how will you accomplish that? The only glimmer of hope is if you can convince her to come live with you and sell the place, but it doesn't sound like she is ready for that option yet. Work on her... Ignore him. Use POA to limit his access to any funds or CC. If she has this CC, don't be withdrawing large sums of money to be lying around, waiting to be 5-fingered. She shouldn't really need cash, since most places take CC. Look into reducing the credit limit, based on her normal expenses. Perhaps you could put a bug in her ear about how someone else using your credit card isn't legal and could get her in trouble?

Time to invoke the POAs. Take the "son" aside and tell him he has 30 days (or preferably less) to find a new home. Tell him you will be filing a restraining order so he will leave your mom alone and not be allowed on the premises. Make good on your threats since you are protecting her. If she has a phone, change her number after he leaves and make sure she can't give him the number. Monitor her bank accounts closely since he may have access to them. It may be helpful to change the accounts after he leaves.

Mom may never understand your reasoning since judgment and discernment are the first executive brain functions to be impaired by Alzheimer's disease. The sad part is that the sufferer is unaware that this is a problem.

Does he provide care for mom? Even if he's a couch potato, is he in the home most of the time with her? Does he do any cleaning or other tasks around the house? It's possible your mom and your sister are enablers - they both have a need to give things to him just because they think he might want it. Everything he needs has been provided to him without asking. Your mom is probably being truthful - he doesn't ask because he doesn't have to.

Now that the $500 has been 'lost', the next time she wants cash for a trip - tell her it is safer to use a credit card for every purchase she makes. Or tell her the money will be waiting for her when she arrives at daughter's house. Send daughter a check now, tell her to cash it and hold the money for mom. Mom does not need that kind of $$ around the house anyway.

If this disabled grandson actually hangs out at the house all day (even if he's a couch potato), he is company for her, he can help when called upon, and he could act fast in an emergency. They are used to each other. Give him a little something for the invaluable service of being with mom. Doesn't have to be much, but just a little spending money. Tell him no more lotto tickets on a credit card. Tell mom about the payments so she feels better knowing he has a little cash in his pocket. Maybe mom won't be so likely to 'give'.

As for APS, you can call them. However when mom says she freely gave him credit card to buy lotto tickets because 'he never asks for anything' they are going to say 'case closed - she's not a victim, she is aware of what she's doing.

About the only way to protect her is to minimize the money available to both of them. Set up account just for bill paying and you can pay everything via auto draft or you write the checks/pay online. When her income arrives, move a little to another account for her use. For the account that you give her access to, limit it to a small balance for misc items. Let her know at the first of each month how much is there. Then you could eliminate a credit card where people spend more than they have. She can't give away everything and he can't bleed her for what she doesn't have. If you set up something like that, put yours and sister's name on it and keep very good accounting of every cent you spend. At some point, you may have to explain how her money was spent and the reason for a separate account.

Just a slightly different approach – how much caregiving does your nephew do for your mother? Does he cook, clean, do maintenance work on the property? Is he good company for her? Is this why she is so attached to him? If it is like this, nephew does deserve some compensation. He may not be going about it the right way, but the sums you are talking about are not out of proportion to compensation for a caregiver. I’ve certainly known other cases where people have just taken money because in their head ‘it’s only fair’. The problem only comes when it gets out of proportion.

Do you want to live with your mother and care for her yourself? It’s clear that you don’t like or trust your nephew. However if you get him out of her house, how will her needs be met then? It would be good to think through the bigger picture before you get too far into this.

Unfortunately we can not convince anyone that someone they love and trust are not worthy of that honor.

Try to stay in good communication and keep the money as far as possible, but that is really all you can do.

So sad. I would not want him anywhere near her credit cards. This will not end well. He is definitely manipulating her.

So sorry that you are dealing with this situation. Best of luck to you.

Moving someone in right away may help to make it unpleasant for the man to get away with much. He might move.

I would consider perhaps following your attorney's advice to open a APS case. If your Mom has a diagnosed dementia then the move to your home may need to be somewhat forced. If she doesn't have a diagnosis then who lives with her and what she is doing with the money does remain in her own hands. If you expect financial fraud you may need to get a guardianship and handle her funds so that she has an "allowance" and the money and bills otherwise are in your hands. That would mean cancellation of debit and credit cards.
Is your Mom currently self caring, or does her grandson do much of her care, shopping, cooking, cleaning and etc?
Do consider the attorney's best advice. He likely knows all involved better than we do. Best of luck and hope you will update us.

P.S.
He doesn't have to ask for anything, when he is stealing it!

The (son, nephew, grandson) should never have her credit card.
Not ever, not even for convenience to help.
Can she do without the credit card? Can you purchase the things needed yourself?

Is he her 'caregiver' now?
If he tried to tell you that (intimidate you), can you imagine how he is abusing/exploiting your Mom?

When this happens, the only thing we as family were able to do, was move the elder out of their own home! It was a fight, and so many lost relationships. But they were dysfunctional, almost criminal behaviors. (Would have been criminal if we had called APS.) We never had to come against the free-loader, that would have been dangerous for our elder.

Eviction is in order, imo. Later.

Better to protect the elder by getting them away from people with his attitude. imo.

My response is triggered by personal experience with an elder, who cooperated with the plan and made good choices.

Funny, isn't it, how we all bring our own experiences with us depending on the state we live in?

If your mom is incompetent, he should not be to be get rid of POA.  He could in theory file for guardianship, but I doubt he would get it.  it is time for you to contact APS, in my opinion.

Yes, in Ohio it is allowed

Are you certain credit card was used to buy lottery tickets? In my state lottery is cash only, by law.