She is actually my husband's Grandmother. We have moved her son, military veteran with Parkinsons and Diabetes, from another state to cohabitate and be caregivers for them both. My husband and I are providing the care, we have two sons, and have taken on this task as a family. We wanted to be able to provide them loving care throughout the remainder of their days. Bringing our Grandmother's son here to be with her has been a life-long dream of hers, in addition to us relocating to raise our sons here in this town, which is rich with family history. Knowing there would be a transition phase for her, which there was, and we were shockingly surprised at how quickly she adapted to the changes in her environment. We live in the basement. Our kids are online schooling. We provide daily care and assist with all of the acts of daily living. Suddenly, I have become the enemy and she is no longer doting on her only Grandson (my husband) which is something new for him. He has always been her favorite. She has behavioral history narcissism and we believe she is acting out because she sees the level of care that her son needs and that we are provided him that care. She appears to be jealous of her own son! Her behavior has changed so rapidly. We have been here for almost two months. Last week, she was very concerned about me, she constantly wanted to make sure I was ok. She asked me repeatedly throughout the day and I always followed up with a "yes I am ok, are YOU ok", just to reassure her that I am here for her no matter what. This week, I have poisoned the milk, turned everyone against her, and it is scary how she looks at me. I just don't know what to do. I try not to let it bother me, but it does. She had me in tears at dinner the other night. This isn't easy for my boys to witness and I am so scared of the negative this is going to have on them. We had gone into this thinking it would be a good thing for our family and our boys. Taking care of our elders, knowing there is going to be good and bad days. Especially with my Father-in-law who is almost 20 years diagnosed with Parkinson's. We know we will be here with them when they die. We never had any idea that our Grandmother would be like this. We knew she might be difficult at times, but it is now to the point where she will refuse medication, because if she doesn't take it she will die and that will make me happy (those are her words). She does have some good moments throughout the day and we are lucky to get a smile, but most of the time she is filled with anger and hate. We continue to shower her with love and prayer and she responds with almost exorcism-like behavior. She is not a believer in Christ, and to me it feels like there is a demon in there trying to get out. This is the most difficult thing I have ever had to do in my life. In addition to my Grandmother (in-law), my Father-in-law being a veteran is not getting the benefits that he needs. My husband and I applied for the family caregiver program and they denied my father-in-law stating he didn't meet the qualifications of needing >60 days of continuous care. He is 100% service connected, has severe cognitive and physical decline, shattered his hip last June, can not perform any ADLs on his own and has hallucinations which are a safety concern for him to be left alone for any amount of time day or night. So, until this is resolved, we have no respite care. Does anyone have any advice for us? We actually have a telemedicine appt with our Grandmother's doctor tomorrow to inquire about putting her on a low-does anti-anxiety med or something to aid her in her terrible mood swings and narcissistic behavior. This Dr has known to be reluctant to provide this in the past, saying due to her age, he doesn't think it is necessary. We know she would be happier and hoping it would improve her quality of life for whatever amount of life she has left. Feeling sad and desperate.
You are in no position, with young children, to be caring for TWO elders in such medical condition! Consider applying for Medicaid for your FIL to get him into a SNF for long term care; meet with a certified elder care attorney for guidance on that matter asap.
Best of luck.
In addition, there is other information that I wasn't able to mention previously such as we are in the appeals process with the VA for the approval of the PCAFC which will allow us respite care. We also work in conjunction with a Caregiver Agency that does come in a few days a week to provide aid with our Grandmother.
Our boys are exceptional and we have methods in place to ensure their needs are met. :)
I appreciate your help, thank you for taking the time to write!
Get her to a geriatric psychiatrist to evaluate her for psychiatrist meds. Don't rely on her GP for any expertise in this.
Have you applied for Medicaid for FIL?
RE: "My husband and I applied for the family caregiver program and they denied my father-in-law stating he didn't meet the qualifications of needing >60 days of continuous care. He is 100% service connected, has severe cognitive and physical decline, shattered his hip last June, can not perform any ADLs on his own and has hallucinations which are a safety concern for him to be left alone for any amount of time day or night."
When you become the enemy after trying to help someone, it is a real shock.
Even scary, and sad. You are maybe not going to feel too good about it now or going forward. But there is healing for you, and a better way.
Keep on being faithful in your duties, but back off a bit. Have someone else administer the meds. Take 3 days off a week, maybe a mini-vacation for you?
When my own husband did this, (treated me like the enemy) it was a phase he went through. I don't know exactly why he became this way, (maybe I do), but I did cease contact with my narcissist relative after boundaries did not work. He was reluctant and uncooperative to use boundaries with my relative. Narcissists are out to destroy you and use you. Beware, boundaries are for you, to help you. The dynamics are often the narcissist using one person, while destroying the other person, imo.
As an aside, do not make the mistake of using boundaries to punish or judge the person needing care.
The (maybe I do know why) part, was the narcissist family member created an alliance with my hubs, paid him to help her, made him feel important, then did not pay him. He started to see and understand. But it took a year or more for us both to extricate from her control.
Maybe I have shared too much, however, you have added a family member to the mix? Just a heads up. Best discussed with a therapist, which I did. Try not to share too much with your own husband-the dynamics of his family-with him. Until you are sure, and action needs to be taken by him. In other words, if anything is going on, do not force him to take sides against his family. Trying to expose a narcissist (and their 'minions') will not work out best for you or your husband, imo.
Learn what you can, and be at peace. Don't hate. Be calm. You may be in a war not yet understood by you. Always do the right thing and others will follow your example. Give yourself time, and understand that it is not true that you are the enemy. Go out and make some good friends, have a life.
Living in a household of a different faith or beliefs/not as you believe, is your mistake. And imo, it is error to think you can change them or judge them.
On a more practical level understand that self-centered behavior (you call it narcissism) can be redirected once it is recognized as an inevitable byproduct of today's society. Here’s why it happens and how it can be changed.
Why it happens
Since the 1300s western civilization has liberated itself from monarchies and powerful churches. The invention of the Guttenberg printing press in 1440 ushered in the Renaissance, the Reformation, the Industrial Revolution - with words, now accessible to all. The triumph of logic led Rene Descartes to proclaim, “I think therefore I am.” We became enlightened, confident, independent, and self-sufficient. That is not all bad. But the trends have also separated us from one another. We no longer see ourselves as part of a meaningful whole, but simply as individuals out to maximize our selfish genes (Richard Dawkins). So now we stand on the threshold of collective challenges like climate, pandemics, droughts, and aging ... to name a few - which we are incapable of dealing with alone.
For aging people everywhere, what has materialized is loneliness; watching TV, waiting for visitors, waiting to die. Mistakenly these isolated souls try to revert to what formally worked: independence through self-reliance. However, now it does not work which frustrates, deflates the ego, and angers. Is it any wonder they may seem self-centered even narcissistic? As we age, lack of control turns to despair and even depression. It manifests itself not always in sadness or driving loved ones away, but in feisty behavior that tries to hide its vulnerability and reclaim its former vigor.
How it can be changed
The way out of this dilemma is to bring back the significance of emotions. Even people with Alzheimer's or Dementias who forget names, events - they remember how you make them feel. And how they feel, establishes how they behave. The human mind in old age, even with cognitive impairment still attempts to predict how it should behave to survive. Its behaviors of fear and aggression are nothing more than its reactions to its inner voices - opinions. Maintaining feelings of anger, despair and eventually, depression is not without cost. Especially for older folk whose bodies no longer muster the energy for it. There is a reason scripture suggests that we forgive those who offend us. It is just easier.
Trust that affection and the yearning for social bonding are stronger than isolation and independence. Your elders will come around maybe not through logic, but through a desire for genuine love.
To get beyond self-centeredness, I turn to the mystics of the past, who saw themselves as part of nature, part of the universe, already blessed with goodness. For those spiritual souls, it was not about being an individual with an ego, seeking ways to find the eternal, but already eternal beings, anchored and confident in who they are, seeking ways to be better humans. Lookup a Franciscan monk. living in New Mexico, called Richard Rohr. You are not alone in this plight, just surrounded by people trapped in the materialistic identity of our times.
We had to do this with my dad.