Follow
Share

My father is 77 and I am 51. I’m an only child. My father lives alone in the same house he’s lived in for 50 years. It is NOT a safe environment for any senior - let alone someone like him who had back surgery 3 years ago, walks with a cane, and has a very unstable gate. For most of my life, my father was not a regular dad. My parents divorced when I was 5, and although I saw my dad every weekend until I went into high school, he was barely involved in my life. My father is also an alcoholic and has been for as long as I can remember. 3 years ago, he underwent back surgery because he went from walking normal to walking wobbly, to not walking at all in a 3 week timeframe. The surgery was successful (he’s not paralyzed) but it definately had a severely negative effect on his quality of life. He has lost confidence, rarely drives, is angry most of the time, and barely does anything. He refuses to accept his physical condition as his new normal but does not do anything to fix it. He won’t try P/T, won’t use a walker, WON’T stop drinking, and is basically a recluse. His memory is spotty which I know makes him nervous but he really doesn’t admit that’s a problem either. Doctors visits are because I force him to go (and take him) but I am usually so embarrassed at his outbursts and rudeness while we’re in the waiting room. He calls me every day several times a day asking if I want to go to lunch - then do I want to go to dinner....then to say basically nothing at all. It's literally become like a life sentence for me. He doesn’t demand that I come down to visit him but he’s soooooo lonely and I feel like I should because he asks every day. I don’t want to push him away but I don’t want to enable the situation either. I’m completely at a loss but this has become my new full time job. I think he looks at me as a friend or a client or something! I don’t even know for sure that he thinks of me as his daughter (who has kids of her own and a life.) I dont know what to do or where to turn.... I can’t imagine my life staying like this. I worry all the time. What should I do?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Annabox-
You are doing a great job! Don't forget that.
I understand where you are coming from. Sometimes I feel like I am my parents only social outlet. Aside from work... They didn't cultivate many friendships and now... They are retired. In addition... Obnoxious. (obsessed with politics) Sorry. There, I said it.
So for friends...Welp, they have me. I am in the same town. (and I could care less about politics! Or watching the 24/7 news channels 24/7...)
I had to decide how much time I am willing to spend. And so do you. I have to say....your going three times a week and being a hour away is definitely plenty! I try to see my parents once a week. And try to call them a few times in between. Is it possible to not answer all his calls? Would you worry if you didn't? You can listen to his messages immediately and decide about when you will be calling back. You could have some stock things ready.... Sorry dad, I'm cooking dinner. If you are okay? I'll talk to you later. Or, I'm coming tomorrow, we can talk then.
Type or write out a few things you can say. Then practice. Sometimes we get into the habit of letting them keep yakking when we need to go!
I tell myself it isn't my fault that my parents don't have friends. I will say the same to you. It isn't your fault that he doesn't have friends.
And I will tell you again, you are doing a great job!
Hugs.
Sparkles
Helpful Answer (10)
Report

I think you have to attempt to get the alcohol situation under better control hard as that may be. Could you get any help from a doctor regarding that situation. I don't believe anything can improve as long as that is a major issue. He is young to have the rest of his life so dependent but alcohol is dominating all the other issues. I hope you can find some solutions in that area as a start.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

Except for the alcohol abuse, your father is my mother. I am an only child. My mom had no friends or social life and lived through me. She was jealous of me and that made it very difficult.

You say your father’s home is not safe for him, and additionally he is a fall risk. Would he consider Assisted Living? His health may not be all that great. Alcohol has a detrimental effect on the entire body, including his mind. Ask his doctor to test him for dementia. When he acts out in public, it’s ok to firmly tell him to stop it and behave. Yes, like a child.

Since he is so dependent on you, he may accept any advice you had to give. But first, he needs to dry out. He has to want to stop drinking or rehab won’t do any good. I hope he’s not driving drunk.

Stop answering every call. Tell him you will talk to him once or twice a day and that’s all. He’s capitalizing on your pity. He’s using your guilt at not being available to him 24/7 against you. Only you can put an end to that.

Good luck. I know this is difficult.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

"I think he looks at me as a friend or a client or something! I don’t even know for sure that he thinks of me as his daughter (who has kids of her own and a life.) I dont know what to do or where to turn.... I can’t imagine my life staying like this. I worry all the time. What should I do?"

Or maybe a servant/friend. I've seen very rich isolated housewives turn their
housekeepers and gardeners into confidantes (I know because it's happened to
me and others I know). They have total control over relationship and because
they also have control over the individual's pay, the hired help is forced to play the part of an obsequious friend. There is no reciprocation. Neglectful and/or narcissistic parents try and form the same type of bond. I think. And punish or guilt trip you when you wont submit to their terms.

You can't care give someone out of this mindset, but you can die trying. As he's unsafe where he is, you should explore different living options for him. Worse comes to worse, report his situation to social services. But try and get him onboard first to live in a healthier environment with assistance.

He needs help, and there are not enough of you to provide it. In a care facility
there will be a small army of people to assist him. Not just you. It is really better for both of you.
Helpful Answer (12)
Report
gaiagirlm Sep 2018
"You can't care give someone out of this mindset, but you can die trying"
So true!!!!
(5)
Report
And btw, he's 77. I've known seniors to live with a great deal of disease and
dysfunction for decades. I've seen very frail seniors living well into their 90's at
home and way past 100 in a facility. You could be stuck doing this for 20 years. No joke. It's not in either of your interests to do so. Each time he falls,
or forgets to eat, or stays shut in all day, he loses a little more of himself and
needs to take more of your life force to keep going. That's the reason a number
of caregivers die before the person they are care giving. They are quite literally transferring their life force into the other person so that they can keep going.

There are better solutions out there. For both of you. Living a lonely shut in life
mired in alcohol, and dependent on one person, that isn't good for him either.
Helpful Answer (11)
Report
bigsun Sep 2018
You're right. This man is a psychic vampire. Karma is scary. Situation w my parents etc. has me back on medication again now. ..anti anxiety etc .How long do I have to take them? .. committment to drastically decrease ties is best.
(3)
Report
Hi Annabox, your situation is very unpleasant, at best. Have you tried to tell him that unless he starts trying to help himself (as in PT) you won't help either? What I'm trying to say is you'll put as much effort in him as he puts in. If PT will help him walk and he won't even try then you won't do his walking for him. If he wants something from the kitchen and won't use his walker or do PT to be able to walk, don't get him the cookie! If he wants that cookie he will try to get it. You cannot continue to enable him. If he continues not to do anything to help himself, then I would tell him that this is too much for you to handle and he should go to an assisted living facility. That might motivate him! Does he have dementia? Because if he does it will only get worse as he will lose the ability to do ADLs and become more and more dependent on you... As you go thru this site you will find that there are many people (caretakers) that are completely burnt out, including those whose LO's do try as much as they are able. So I'm going to suggest looking into AL for him as soon as possible. YOU are doing a great job under very trying circumstances my blessings to you, Lindaz.
Helpful Answer (10)
Report

I can relate. Only it’s my mom. I can only get her to do things if I’m with her. If anyone has suggestions, I’d love to hear them!
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Hi Annabox
Sounds like my Father apart from the alcohol and he is much older(92) and now in care facility.
Believe me I understand. Like you tried everything to help him but he refused to do anything to help himself. He thought he knew best. All carers,doctors,physios, mental health team,nurses,the list is endless were hopeless according to him. I now realise what he wanted was a personal slave to do exactly what he wanted without question. I had to wait or a crisis when he was in hospital to get him in care as he's a complete refuser. I have power of attorney which is a must or they can do what they like. Mental health doctor and hospital doctor deemed he had not capacity to make decisions about his wellbeing so I could decide. He was not eating, washing,going out. Sat all day with curtains shut but refused to believe anything wrong. He's still at it demanding to get home and says being kept in care against his will . It upset me at first but you have to make yourself toughen up. For your sake and well being. I can now just walk away when he starts. It's taken me years to get to this stage. I still love him and care about him but I am not allowing him to bring me down or take over my life. What a rant. Hope it helps
Helpful Answer (10)
Report

Bless you! Here you are with a dad who is an alcoholic and wasn’t even a real dad to you as you grew up and NOW he wants a daughter to fulfill all his wants and needs. Where was he when you had your needs. I’m afraid you are being manipulated and sucked in to make it seem like it’s your fault for his sorry existence. Alcoholics are notorious for making their plight other people,s fault. I agree with others that moving him is best for helping with proper nutrition because as you know an alcoholic doesn’t eat well, as well as finding friends or people to do social activities with. You can’t be or do it all. You basically need to set limits and know why you are. It is fine to have boundaries. You did not create the mess his life has become. I dare to say he has beginnings of dementia from alcoholism. Do you attend Al Anon meetings? If not that would be very helpful in coping and having the support.
I agree you do not need to answer your phone every time he calls. That’s why we have voicemail. So what if he doesn’t like it. You decide when to pick up the phone. I and many others here have had to do that with our parents. Even the sound of my dad's personal ring tone would give me anxiety so if it was evening I would block his number. He was in AL so I knew he had help if needed.
You must do what you can to protect yourself and not enable. You can learn these skills through Al Anon. Report back. We care!!
Helpful Answer (10)
Report

Does he have dementia? If not I'd have a serious talk with him that you will mot be his everything, and at his beck and call every day. No person can. You have a family and responsibilities.
Perhaps he didnt keep in touch with you as a child because his alcoholism was in full force? Some alcoholics can go to work everyday and do their job, and no one knows. They will white knuckle thru because they have to earn $ for a roof and alcohol. Then go home and get drunk evenings and weekends. Its like 2 different people. It's called a functioning alcoholic. I don't know your life, but it's just a guess. That doesn't excuse any abuse aimed at you.

I'd lay down the law that you won't be there for him unless he gets OT, or carers to help.
You can always call adult protective services on him. You are not his caregiver.
I wouldn't go to a doc appt and be abused. I'd tell him you will stop any time he starts abusing you. Give him the number for uber and leave. I'd give him 1 chance to knock it off before I left. I would do it and mean it! You have to.
You might have to threaten no contact if he doesnt help himself in those areas he needs help, like pt.
But you have to be strong and follow thru. Even if You feel guilty. Do it. Nowhere is it written that because you share DNA you have to be abused.
I'm terrible but I would tell him you weren't there for me, and I am not filling in all voids now. I've learned to have to put boundaries up and stick to them with the narcissists in my family.
When you feel guilty because you out up a boundary not to be abused, or walked over, think of it as setting boundaries for a child that throws a tantrum. You are just being the adult and will not accept child like behavior. Good luck.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
Annabox Sep 2018
You are 100% right. I know that I have do this... I'm just trying to get the nerve. ugh- Bless You!
(1)
Report
This mirrors my sister and I lives sans the alcohol. My mother is 86 yrs old and lives alone since my dad died. She lives in an independent living facility. She is very healthy. I have to call my mom every night or she feels something is wrong. She feels that anytime we leave our apartment that she should be with us. She does participates in activities but states she is used to having someone staying with her. My brother visits her twice a week. My retired sister stays with her at least one week out of the month and it still isn’t enough for her. We learned to set boundaries with my mom because she doesn’t have any. I keep reminding myself that she is healthy and nothing major is wrong. She has some memory loss but no dementia. My mother could live to be 99 yrs old like her sister. Her brother is 94 and going strong. My mom didn’t cultivate any friends either. I agree with others put him into assisted living. Take care of yourself. I am learning that more and more. Keep us posted
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Wow I had no idea so many others had elderly family members like this. Auntie has had these issues all her life: no sense of boundaries, very needy and wanting us around her all the time (although she is very health), feelings get hurt if we're not giving her our time and attention every day, has hurt feeling if we do anything without including her, etc. Nothing is ever enough.

We need to set boundaries in accordance with what we can live with (not what he or she wants) and stick to these depite the pushback we'll get. We can only do so much. We will never make this person feel secure and happy. We need to find a support group to turn to, people who are going through the same thing. we need to laugh. We need to pray the serenity prayer. Best of luck.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

Your Dad is an Alcoholic. You need to get some counseling for yourself. Al-Anon or Adult Children of Alcoholics can be a start. Sometimes you have to go to several different groups before you can find a good fit for you. If you are like most of us, you want the Daddy you never had. He isn't there and all the sacrifice in the world won't give him to you.

You can't reason with a drunk, not now, not ever. You can't get him to stop drinking, he has to WANT to stop, and so far he doesn't want to. All your wanting in the world won't work. It is the old saying "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink". If he ever wants to quit he will need help, but he has to want to, and HE has to ask for help.

There is a book called "Codependent No More, How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for your self" that may help you. You need to detach from this drunk. He will suck you dry. I come from a long family of drunks and I know they are totally selfish. He doesn't care if you spend all your time with him to the detriment of your husband and children. When you married your husband you promised to "Cleave" to him. Your main job in life is your husband and children.

Please get some help for yourself. Your children and husband need you. Don't drag them into the whirlpool of this drunk.
Helpful Answer (9)
Report
gaiagirlm Sep 2018
Absolutely NO reasoning. You will go insane trying to reason. Or to find logic. There is none!!
ACOA is great. Did it many, many yrs ago. Probably need to go back. Thought I had done all the work necessary to be able to handle Dad now. Boy was I wrong!
(5)
Report
See 1 more reply
Annabox....your father sounds exactly like mine,alcohol and every thing.
I am now 2 yrs in of caring for him. My home is in VA and he is in CT, in my childhood home. The first yr I went back and forth and spent the whole winter with him. By spring I thought I was going to lose my mind. He would fight and resist me on everything, insist he could take care of himself (he couldn't) refuse any help, and generally be a nasty curmudgeon constantly. It was so draining. So I began to spend more time at home than with him. Then last Sept he fell and ended up with a spinal compression fracture and a fractured pelvis. I took this opportunity to take away his truck keys, which meant no more alcohol, but increased anger and nastyness to me. I also moved in with him FT as I could see no other option. But, it's killing me. His house is a moldy old new England colonial and I am very allergic. The stress of the situation and dealing with his narcissistic, petulant, abusive personality is affecting me in many ways. It will take me a long time to recover.
Right now I am in the process of placing him in a care facility. He will not like it but too bad. I have lost everything trying to care for him..my health, my wealth, my sanity, my relationship. Don't let this happen to you!!!! I wish I had found this forum earlier to help me understand that it was not my obligation to do this. He was a sh*tty, abusive father , and he still is.
In retrospect I realize that I should have just left him alone to live his life based on his choices. Yes, he may have hurt himself again. Yes, he may have fallen down and no one found him for days or weeks. He may have killed himself by not eating and drinking himself into oblivion. But I would still have my life.
Let me repeat myself and the words of others: YOU ARE NOT OBLIGATED TO MAKE THE SH*TTY LIFE HE HAS CHOSEN BETTER!!! HE DOESNT DESERVE YOUR ATTENTION AND CARING. HE WILL NOT KNOW HOW TO APPRECIATE YOU. IT WILL DRAIN AND DESTROY YOU AND YOUR LIFE. DO NOT LET THAT HAPPEN!!!
This is your opportunity to learn and practice boundary setting and tough love. I bet, like me, this is an important lesson for you. And like me I also bet you have spent your life seeking the love your father never gave you. I can guarantee you that choosing to take care of him, allowing him to continue to engage in his lifelong behaviors with you, and not disentangling yourself from him will NOT have you find that love either. LOVE YOURSELF INSTEAD.
I wish you the best in moving forward in a positive life affirming way that protects your life, your kids, and your sanity. Don't let any sense of guilt or obligation put you into an untenable situation you will regret. Feel free to reach out personally if you would like.
Blessings...
Helpful Answer (18)
Report
Rose118 Sep 2018
Your advice is just what I needed, so much so I made a screenshot to read regularly. Thank you!!
(3)
Report
See 1 more reply
If your dad was in the military he would qualify for “ aid and attendance”. If not, contact a local social security office to put you in contact with a social worker who can meet with you and discuss options. Whatever you do, don’t let him “ guilt” you into giving up your life for him. Do what you can without jeopardizing your own life/sanity/health. Good luck and God Bless!
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I am an only child, also 51. My parents had the wealth and health to retire on the younger side and they moved down the street from me 14 years ago. What they chose to do was sit in the house and drink and bicker with each other. At first I tried so hard to change their ways but after a few years of tying myself in knots I realized they were choosing this path. Dad had to be placed in a dementia care home last year at the age of 78. Mom is now 76 and unfortunately insists on staying in that house, yep, right down the street. It is horrible. She has lived in this town since 1976 and knows NO ONE, has no friends, no outlets, whatever. I AM IT. She drinks all day, falls regularly. She can be extremely nasty - both in private to me and also in public. I also feel like I have been given a life sentence. Her own mother lived to the age of 97. The thought of my mother sucking the life out of me for another 20+/- years scares the crap out of me. Everyone says she will not likely live that long because of her self-neglect but you never know. Also, I am responsible for the oversight of my dad's care because my mom has totally rejected him and wants nothing to do with his care. Oh, and they've been married since 1964 - a nice way to treat your spouse, huh?? I repeat to myself daily: "MY PARENTS PROBLEMS ARE MANY YEARS IN THE MAKING, AND THEY ARE BIGGER THAN I CAN SOLVE".
Helpful Answer (7)
Report
gaiagirlm Sep 2018
Have you thought about moving away?? ;)
(2)
Report
I feel compelled to answer your question. You cannot fix him. You cannot change him. You can only set limits for what is reasonable for you. Figure that out and then cut it in half. Get therapy if you can't say no to him. It only gets harder. 18 years ago.....Yes eighteen....my father died leaving behind my mother at 75. Other than the alcohol, she was much like your father. It will only get harder as you develop habits. My mother is now 93. I have been through the wringer with her and every bit of my freedom has been hard won. I wish I knew then what I know now. Please don't destroy your own life trying to fix a person who won't help himself. Your compassion is commendable. Spare some compassion for yourself.
Helpful Answer (11)
Report
Annabox Sep 2018
Thank you and Bless You!
(0)
Report
So many people being sucked dry by selfish elders. My sweet father used to say that invalids don't die. They kill everyone around them. To be clear, he was talking about self-made invalids. Those who refuse to take responsibility for their own lives.
Helpful Answer (9)
Report
bigsun Sep 2018
Thank you very much. You said it. I wish ur dad were my God father. My dad is alive only because he feels entitled to be alive. Non of his family wish him to continue. I m on medication because I have to deal with stress.
U r lucky you had an insight ful dad...
(1)
Report
I feel your pain. My dad is 88, always drank much, and lost my mom early 2017. Taking care of my mom was too hard on him, and caring/losing her brought him to the bottom of the well. He is stuck there...very strong willed, and mild to moderate dementia that gives him no insight so I am unable to reason with him. He lives independantly, wears a Life Alert sporadically. I keep him loaded up with everything he needs. He calls ‘dial a bottle’ to supply his alcohol, has one occasional friend in, and fixates on the same irritants to us. I have learned much from this site in the following ways:
*Shorter time with your LO
*do not engage in his fixations/danger subjects by emphasizing and redirecting him
*walking out of the room (or leaving) if he continues his negativity.
*making your own life a priority, taking time outs are imperative to both of you.
*daytime visits/time with your LO is best, nights are not good cuz the drinking adds up over the course of the day.

i attended ANON once - and the main theme I got was that I was to not be an enabler, and to put myself ahead of him at all cost, and take medication for anxiety. I attend Dementia seminars in my area and they are the opposite- they say his brain is not well, he may not realize the amount he drinks, and it’s not his fault.

So at the end of the day, you do the best you can, and rely on those around you (family & friends) to be good listeners...cuz their advise won’t be that good. Why? Because they are not living on the inside - they will never be able to advise you like this site - they don’t really understand - they are not in the middle of it.

I am not strong enough yet to take the bull by the horns and force my dad into assisted living. To do that I would have to stop caring for him cuz he won’t go willingly. Right now I am enabling him to continue on this path because of my weakness. As Jann Arden said ‘I love my dad but I don’t like him’. To explain...my love runs deep, but my dad has always been negative and condescending... now he uses these as his vice in life. The alcohol makes it worse. He won’t have help in, he won’t do exercise to keep his muscles moving, he does not like going out (blames it all on the doctors taking his license away); and is hard of hearing and cannot manage his hearing aid. And he falls and hurts himself on average once a month or two.

I love the visits that do go well. He tells me he appreciates me and does not know what he would do without me. He does care about me, Those visits are better ... I don’t engage him or manage to redirect him. It’s hard to do, it’s takes practice and determination.

Good luck. Be strong. Talk time for yourself. Be healthy.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Im in the same boat@ I try not to enable my mom, but I'm afraid I do. Dad passed away 6 years ago, but even before that they had no friends.
Mom had a full knee replacement 2 years ago. But still concentrate on the pain. Doesn't try to help herself, or even try to join the local senior center! The other day she asked me to swipe her cr card at the store! I had to remind her she could do it! I hate that I do this, and I feel I get short with her more often than not these days. Want to mention that I go visit her 3-4 days a week after a full day of work, and on most sundays. And I feel feel guilty if I don't, but I have a family, and need some me time too!
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Annabox Sep 2018
OMG the credit card.... That would be me swiping it for him! I feel like he can't do much of anything. He has refused to change since the late 70's. No cell phone, no air conditioning, nothing. He's like someone who was frozen in 1970 and just woke up. He thinks everyone else has the problem and he's the only one whose normal - and this is what justifies his irritability. So frustrating!
(1)
Report
I identify with your situation and empathize with you. In my case, after my mom died I was taking my dad out with me during days to make home health calls, taking him to lunch regularly at his favorite restaurant then my spouse and I and our child watching his favorite movies with him every night, for YEARS thinking he was on the brink of death and could die of lonliness missing my mom. (he began dreaming of younger women instead but thats another story). I arranged visitors, trips to senior center which he eventually refused, etc. When my health (mental and physical) started to decline we had to back off and give him time alone. Like my husband says, he is in his own home in his own easy chair with everything provided for him, some lonliness is his cross to bear now. No one visits unless I set it up, and my siblings bowed out years ago. I continue to show my dad we love him by helping every day with the basics but within limits, and he was angry at me and remains angry to this day while on hospice. He even threatened to cut me out of his will and invite a drug addicted relative to come live with him. I can't say how much is the dementia and how much is his predictable personality traits, probably the same traits that drove my sibs away but I care too much about him to drop out of his life for good. But I can no longer try to be his pal, keep him company and make his life entertaining. Sometimes letting an elderly loved one experience (some self-imposed, some naturally because of age and circumstance) lonliness really is their own cross to bear and not our responsibility at all.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report
bigsun Sep 2018
You are his emotional victim. He wants it that way...
(1)
Report
See 1 more reply
Hello...
Anna....
forst thing you must know
is you are not alone in this fight..: I have had to deal with pretty much the same issues but with my mother... Who has become a recluse , can walk but won’t duento laziness and an addiction to sympathy she gets from my other siblings... I refuse to give her sympathy and enable her to stay in the toxic situAtii. She has lit herself in...
Her doctor told her she has not reason to be in a wheelchair and that all she needs is PH and small sessions of walking !!! and she refused..: she also has to be almost dead
beforw she’ll go to the doctors and refuses to take the medication she is supposed to be on for her heart and diabetes but refuses to take them.. in return she’s become a nasty over bearing , rude person and I finally after research, prayer, and taking to my church family had to remove myself from her toxic attitude and love her from afar.... Now I only talk to her over the phone If she’s nice and doesn’t start gossiping about my family members whom she has torn apart from lies she tells to keep people on her side and feeling sorry for her.. she’s got serious mental issues and I refuse to allow her or anyone disrespect me , verbally abuse me, use me for my kindness then tell
lies behind my back..
so you see sister you are not alone .. The advice I can give you is to either find some care givers for him to do what you try to do .... seek some counseling with others who are struggling with parental abuse , reach out to some senior care places and ask questions... because YOU need to take care of you first.. if you allow yourself to get abused and stressed out eventually you will get sick !!!
I don’t know your beliefs but I know that prayer works and God listens and always brings peace to those who abide in Him ... But if you don’t know or believe in God you can always try taking some massage sessions , meditation ( peaceful quiet
ness) or find really good friends that you knownyoy can open up to and let all your burdens go...
Jesus is that friend for me and he taught me my
worth and that I matter and that it’s okay to walk away from toxic abusive people..
I hope you can find peace and the courage to do what you have to do and not allow guilt to step in...
I will be praying for you !!!
take care & peace
be with you.. 😇
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
Annabox Sep 2018
I DO believe in God whole heartily and I pray for strength often. I am beginning to say "I can't" or "not today" but I always feel so guilty. That probably won't change. I am beginning to understand the disease.... I am a mom of 3 (2 out of college and 1 in HS). As a 51 year old woman, I look back on my own childhood and think, "WHAT WAS THAT ALLOWED TO GO ON?" My father was a nice person but a big big drinker. He was always there to lend money if I needed and paid for my college, but was never really there as a dad. I feel like to some degree he must regret the life that is now his. It's so sad. But thank you for your advice.
(0)
Report
I am so sorry you have to go through this. This is what my siblings and I learned after dealing with our Dad for 60+ years:
1. Alcohol abuse teaches a person to lie, manipulate, and know how to get what they want by any means necessary.
2. Alcohol abuse causes brain damage, or other medical problems that cause brain damage. After every surgical procedure, Dad got a little worse with memory, self-care and anger.
3. Assisted living will not work because they are not prisoners and can run amuck.
4. We could not make him do anything because even with a DPOA, a person has to be deemed incompetent before you can make them do anything.
5. You have to let him fail. All of us siblings agreed that we would put severe limits on our aid and assistance because he refused any outside services. He would not even let us clean, wash his clothes, or help him with medications.
All he wanted was to be able to call us anytime day or night and demand we take him to the store or bank, which was an opportunity for him to buy stuff to hoard and buy booze. He was shoplifting items in the store, and buying cases of pet food on sale. He does not have a pet.
So we said once every two weeks someone would take him to the bank or store. He refused to use the senior shuttle system, giving a variety of complaints.
So he did fail, after tons of drama, extra efforts at manipulation, and lots of verbal abuse. We knew he had brain damage, but there was really nothing we could do.
He got the evaluation during a hospital stay where all us siblings refused to take him home. I was able to get him transferred to a skilled nursing home. And apply for Medicaid, and my brother got guardianship of person. So Dad is now safe, clean, and we are able to breathe.
6. This is a long process, be strong. You owe yourself not him.
Everything about it is sad. Especially
since there is no hope that he will ever be anything other than what he is. He is not able to give you anything emotionally.
Save yourself. You can without giving up your heart and soul.
Helpful Answer (15)
Report
bigsun Sep 2018
Thanks. Perfect. Save your self. That's perfect
(0)
Report
See 1 more reply
I have a young cousin whom I used to adore that became an alcoholic.

He, too, is very lonely. He has alienated almost everyone but me. I am the only person who will talk to him at this point. Even his parents will not return his calls.

When, He calls I talk to him, but I do not allow him to manipulate me. I limit the conversations to a half hour. If I have somewhere to be, I end the conversation sooner, but always pleasantly.

If a doctor will say that your father is housebound, due to physical and mental disabilities, you may be able to have a CNA come in Several times per week, during the day.

Then, perhaps, he will not be so lonely.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

All I can say, I’ll try to make it short and simple. Do the very best you can given your circumstances and experiences. Hopefully you have a life preserver for yourself.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Alcoholism is cruel master...Yet there is a solution.  I went to AA in June 1986 because I could not continue drinking and also function even "somewhat" normally...It changed my life.  

The solution is that he can choose to go to AA and join the thousands who have, with God's and one anothers' help and encouragement, faced their reality and "hit bottom" and stopped drinking one day at a time...

There is also an organization called Al-Anon which is for loved ones of Alcoholics.  There are no dues or fees....Loved ones often suffer as much or more than the alcoholic.. I urge you to consider going...You will be made welcome immediately.   You will find them in most every town of any size...My own town of 75,000 has seven or eight meetings at various places each week...  You will be amazed at how these folks have learned to cope with their loved ones alcohol problems.

Meanwhile, I also urge you to find the courage to tell him you are only going to visit him (choose your number) times a week unless he stops drinking.  Offer to take him to an AA meeting.  If he says he is not an alcoholic, or that he can quit anytime he wants to,  but does not want to, or that he likes to drink, or that if anyone was in his situation they would drink too, or tat he "isn't as bad" as many others, or will switch to just beer, tell him to have it his way, and just do not see him so often....Do not attempt to say  "You are an alcolholic" or argue with him about it...      No one but the problem drinker can stop the drinking.....It cannot be done.  You must stop letting him lean on you so long as he is boozing.  I wish you well....

Grace + peace,
Bob, a recovered alcoholic                                                                                       



I
Helpful Answer (10)
Report
Annabox Sep 2018
Thank you so much for your advice. I know the alcohol is the main culprit but there are so many other things too. It's hard to know whats doing what! I encouraged him to go to a senior community center to try and meet other seniors. It was a nice place, the people were friendly, but he wasn't interested at all. Towards the end of the afternoon (we got there at 11:30 and left at 2), he seemed to be sort of enjoying it (well, he was enjoying the music). When we got back to his house (approximately 1 1/2 hrs after lunch) he wanted to "go for a bite to eat". The regular place, he said - which has beer. Ugh - I didn't go but it was hard because there it was - smack in my face. Thank you for your well wish and advice. I wish you well also Bob. You are strong person and God Bless you,

Anabox
(3)
Report
Annabox, first get to an al anon meeting as fast as you can. Today! Look online for a meeting near you. You are being used by a parent who only thinks only about himself and has little regard for you or your family. Once you understand his disease, alcoholism, you’ll be able to make better choices concerning your involvement in his life.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
bigsun Sep 2018
Thank you
(1)
Report
He could live for decades still. Can you? If he still has cognition, perhaps you should set limits and if he is not willing you have to establish your own life. If he cannot live by himself, there are assisted living facilities. Things have to change and you must become that change agent. Perhaps he has depression issues, and that is said to be treatable--have a talk with his doctor. Then again alcohol with psych drugs can be lethal--so you need to talk about his alcoholism. The decision is also yours and not just his. The older they get, the worse they become. Eventually you will have to change his diapers and clean up his feces because he can't control his bowels, and you will have to bathe him. It sounds like he's headed straight to that now. Just my opinion.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
bigsun Sep 2018
Thank you for being straight up. I'm fed up with empathy for self destructive person s. We can become their emotional prisoners.
(3)
Report
Oh boy this sounds familiar!!! (Except my dad never wanted to go anywhere- still doesn’t) up until 4 months ago, my dad was slowly cognitively declining, driving illegally without a license, drinking HEAVILY 7 days a week and was drunk every night, smoking over a pack a day, not eating, making strange purchases at hardware stores for crap he didn’t need (hundreds per week), buying scratch off tickets to the tune of $100 a day! Well, he had fallen a few times and hit his head, then had fluid build up on his brain... which left him with something called “normal pressure hydrocephalus”. Basically, he has a change in gait, dementia symptoms, and urinary incontinence as a result of the fall. He shuffles along, not lifting his feet, but darn-it he was NOT gonna change his ways or listen to anybody, including doctors, because he was “fine” and everybody else could just go to HE*L. So, we just waited for the BIG one. The BIG fall. The one that would land him in the hospital.
It only took 10 days after he got back to his house of 52 years to drink himself into a falling-down drunk. He fell in the bathroom and got wedged under the toilet tank- it took 2 firefighters to get him out. He couldn’t stand or walk. Hospital kept him 2 weeks! He started withdrawal from alcohol after 2.5 days- took him 3 full days to detox with medical supervision. He was angry the whole time. They put him on ridpiridone,,, aricept... and said he can’t live alone without someone monitoring him. Presto! Problem solved!
i hate to say it but sometimes it takes a near tragedy to shake some sense into what we see as the obvious.
Let dad live his life until the inevitable fall.... and subsequent hospital stay....THEN you can share all your concerns with the doctors! Then you implement the solution that works best for your sanity, and you can blame it on “doctors orders!” I wish you well!
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
Annabox Sep 2018
Wow! You sound just like me and your life sounds exactly like mine. The sad part is that i KNOW that I'm enabling the problem. I constantly say to myself, "how can anyone live like this? I can help!" but I can't. I'm trying to pull away but it's so hard. Back in the days when my father was independent and uninvolved, I accepted it. I found happiness for myself and forged ahead. I just wish he could do that! Thank you somuch for sharing your story with me and thank you for helping to open my eyes even more. I too feel that that big fall will come. I dread it. I'll remind him of all the things I wanted to fix (like get an emergency cal system, have a railing put in, fix the steps, use a walker, or ummmmm MOVE CLOSER TO ME!) And when I do, I know he'll act like we never ever discussed it. Time will tell but thank you. It's somehow sad but helpful to know I'm not alone. Bless you!
(4)
Report
Anna, How is he getting the alcohol to drink? If you are providing it, you can stop. Blame your morals or your conscience. "I can't enable you to destroy yourself anymore" works fine.

Let him fail. You can talk to him and visit/go less and get just as much cooperation out of him. Make him earn your time by putting in exercise and effort. If he won't play by nice person rules, then he can play by himself. My mthr chose to not speak to me instead of treating me as nice as she did strangers at Walmart, and it was to my benefit those 8 years. We did rescue her once she hit true bottom and Adult Protective Services called us. Set your boundaries to protect you and your family and respect those more than you respect the booze talking.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report
Jasmina Sep 2018
I know exactly where you are coming from, with the parent who acts wonderful in front of aquantances. Meanwhile your lower than dirt because you refused to be manipulated any longer. I just try to remember they have a personality disorder/mental illness, and I can't fix it. It's the only way to deal with that crap.
(1)
Report
See 1 more reply
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter