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My mother and father live with me. My father has dementia and my mother does not. Each morning when I come into their room I say good morning. My father is asleep so I let him be. My mother rarely says anything except she can't wait to complain about something or tell me what she needs. I don't know why but it really makes me angry to have all these things heaped at me when I come in. Explaining things to her is a lost cause. It may be a cultural thing but explaining things may be seen as "talking back." I am totally frustrated in my interaction with her because when I begin to explain she doesn't want to listen to me and says that I am a bad daughter and she wants to run away. Even though we have caregivers seven days a week, I do a great deal of things for my parents. My husband also is resentful because I do so much for them, but he is very demanding and do things for him. I can't seem to please anyone and I feel totally frustrated because I get nothing done that I want to do. I don't like feeling angry the first thing in the morning. Any advice on how to get in a better frame of mind?

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When i was young my twin cousins would get into double trouble, almost always resulting in threats to run away, I vividly remember my aunt putting an immediate stop to their manipulation by responding "don't forget to put on clean underwear, cuz if something happens to you, you don't want anyone to see you have dirty underwear on." I still think of that when I hear someone threaten to run away.
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All I can add is that whenyougest child anounced she was going to run away I simply offered to help her pack. Another time she wanted to call the child abuse hot line so I offered to dial the number for her. She was always a handful but now in her fortys with a professional job she has curbed her outbursts. Anytime she called and refused to listen to my suggestions she would just "Alright Mum" and slam the phone down. I would not hear for a couple of weeks then she would call as sweet as pie.
As others have said boundaries are the key here and that applies to hubby too. there is nor reason for him to be behaving badly and if you allow it to continue it will only escalate. I agree that hubby should receive his fair share of attention. Try to set alone time with hubby at a time of day when you ca both be free. Go out for a meal together, see movie whatever takes your fancy.
Delegate some of your duties when you can. You don't have to be the only one running around chasing their tail. Send the laundry out, get a house cleaner, hire a landscaping service. Yes it will cost more but you can't put a value on your own health and happiness. Make sure the parents contribute to these extra expenses.
You may come from a culture where it is the norm for the children to care for their parents and it is important to remember that your parents have already served their time in that capacity.
There won't be any miracles but you are in charge so give the orders. Your home is being run by your mother with hubby as second in command so demote them both.
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I'm not surprised it makes you angry considering you are making many sacrifices to help your mum and dad. I think the suggestion to not see them first thing in the morning is a good one. Mother used to have more complaints in the morning and forget them later on. She was, generally, dissatisfied with life. If you can somehow accept her complaints, as the way she is seeing life right then, and not that you are not doing a good job, and not argue with her I think she would have less of a come back.

One thing that helped me was to lower my expectations, in fact, expect the way mother was, and detach and give myself space. It worked to a degree. Is it time to place them in a facility so you can have your home back for yourself and your hub? Everyone needs home to be a safe place to relax. ((((((hugs)))))
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They may have taken care of their mothers, but this is now and older people live much longer than before.
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I am such a grumpy person in the morning that, since I started staying with mom, I've been keeping a jar of peanut butter in my room. Why? In case I wake up hungry.  I REALLY cannot stand interacting with other humans first thing in the morning! It actually makes me very uncivil at best, and angry at worst. It's gotten worse since I got injured on the job. Living with chronic pain has made me much worse in the morning.

Elderly people, too, often live with chronic pain, so this may be a factor in her morning grumpiness, along with what others have said about not getting the life she expected with her husband in their old age. And maybe she's NEVER been a morning person, but spent years sucking it up and pretending, because of her duties as a wife and mother.

Anyway, I have nothing else to contribute except that! And that my very first thought when I read your post was, "Definitely don't go in there in the morning." Let your mom wake up at her own pace and see what happens. That might give you some time to give your hubby a bit more attention in the morning, too.
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Thank you all for your thoughtful responses. Your suggestions are on point and I will try them. I know that I should not engage and have to remind myself of this. I guess it is very hard for me because I like to explain and present facts, which doesn't work in an emotionally charged situation. My parents took care of my father's mother and my mother's mother until they passed away.
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Mom may not have dementia, but she sounds a little entitled and privileged. To assault someone first thing in the am with complaints and demands...I myself NEVER wake up "happy" and neither does my hubby. We don't speak to each other first thing--if I start talking to him, he gets totally distracted and can't get ready for work, and then if he forgets something, it's my fault. I know better and busy myself around the house until he's actually leaving. Works great.

Moving your folks to Assisted Living would help--and perhaps be affordable if you are now paying for 7 day a week aides.

Do you HAVE to go in first thing in the am? Can you just not see them for a while? (Don't wake the sleeping bear comes to mind :) )

If she says she wants to run away, hand her a small bag and say "good luck"--she's just saying that to upset you. And it's working, so don't rise to the bait.

If she sees she's getting reaction from you, that's what she wants, whether she'd own up to that or not, some part of her is enjoying the frustration you feel. Probably she's not thrilled with the way life is turning out.

Good Luck. This is a common thread on these boards--aging, angry parents that we cannot do enough for.
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Is it a cultural thing, her accusing you of talking back when you're actually just trying to talk sense?

Without knowing what culture - and I respect that this is something you're perfectly entitled not to share if you prefer not to - it's hard to guess, or to suggest different approaches.

Only, as you explain that your mother is hard of hearing and somewhat depressed, and certainly could be forgiven for being under stress herself over your father's illness, I wonder if her insatiable appetite for complaining, criticising and arguing has much to do with culture but a lot to do with the family's very stressful situation.

It is frustrating. It is also a bit much for you to get this emotional cold shower every flipping morning right from the get-go. I wish I could suggest ways for you to let it just bounce off you but I know it isn't that simple.

There is a scene in 'The Third Man' where the heroine is arrested in the middle of the night by the allied forces' police, whose squads, for diplomatic reasons, were always composed equally of Russian, French, American and British officers. The heroine's landlady, being both extremely indignant and Viennese, keeps up a stream of shrill invective about this throughout, but all of it in German, which none of the policemen speaks. They are unfailingly polite and calm, nod solemnly at her every word and carry on with their duty regardless.

Can you try something similar? No matter what your mother says, wish her the top of the morning, set down the tray, draw back the curtains with a flourish, then, crucially, leave the room and don't come back until you're good and ready - say, around about elevenses?
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I'm wondering what the cultural obstacles might be for Demstress to think about moving her parents somewhere else? It sounds like her mom expects to be cared for as a cultural norm. Demstress, did your mom care for her parents or your dad's parents? If not, then that expectation doesn't hold up.

I'd work to get them placed elsewhere if possible. At a minimum, you need to take time for yourself. Maybe first thing in the morning you take a short walk or listen to music you like or meditate or to work out at the gym or whatever small sliver of "me time" you can carve out to set yourself for the demands of the day. If that doesn't work, then don't go into your parent's room first thing. Your dad is sleeping, leave your mom in there alone until she wakes up and comes out on her own. Some people wake up grumpy and need some time to wake up and get their bearings. I found that when I traveled with my cousin. She told me not to speak to her until she'd had her first cup of coffee. Otherwise, she barked at me when I said "Good morning". I never traveled with her again. :)
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Boundaries are your best friend. I agree with cmagnum, boundaries, consequences, and the next time she mentions running away, ask her if she needs you to help pack.

Can you arrange for another caregiver to have the morning shift? Just having a happier start to your day would do wonders. (It would be interesting to see if she “unloads” on anyone else besides you.)

Otherwise, say a quick hello and be off to making breakfast or quick run or anything. You don’t have to stay and listen to her litany of life’s complaints.
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Your mother is not acknowledging that you are a grown adult and that you are a married woman with her own family.

I'm probably wrong but at this time of day I feel like I would tell her to go ahead and open the door the next time she says that she wants to run away.

She's the one acting like a child. On the other hand, when she starts in on you I would tell her that you will not put up with this and leave the room. You need to set boundaries with consequences for her, stand your ground and take no prisoners.

These two are too much for you and you need to move them somewhere else for 40% of caregivers die before the person they are caring for.

Take care of you and your husband.
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Maybe it is time for Assisted Living, when you can no longer handle things it is okay to say i can not do this anymore. Maybe you can stop going in there 1st thing, let the paid, trained caregiver be the 1st person she deals with.
I am sorry your husband is having a hard time with this, it is understandable he should be your 1st priority over your parents. Sorry if folks don't agree, the immediate family is top priority, husband, your children and you, parents had there lives and made choices, so unfair for them to ask that there children forfeit their lives to them in old age. I'm not saying don't love them and do what you can but it sounds as though they rule your life, to the exclusion of you. Take care of you or none of them will have you to dump on, stress can truly kill, even healthy young adults and gets worse as we age.
Good luck dealing with this difficult journey.
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Living with someone who has dementia can be quite stressful. I'm sure you know that firsthand. Perhaps, your mother is feeling a lot of stress, depression and disappointment about the way things are in her life. I would imagine that could cause one to shut down. It's not your fault, but, it may just be the situation. Does your mother ever get out of the house and have her own interests, social interaction, attend church, etc? Maybe, that would help lift her mood and make her more cordial to you OR what if you talk to her doctor? Does she have depression and need medication? There are a number of things that it could be.

Do you have any other family members who can stop by and see how she's doing? Will she communicate with them in a cordial way?

I suppose that I would consider that she is just not thinking clearly and have her evaluated. I'm not sure why she would want to say mean things to you, for no reason that are not true. That has to be painful. I hope you'll get some more responses and find some answers that might help.
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