I am 66 years old and hoped to move to a small condo in a retirement community. My mother kept saying... Yes we'll move and she would consider an assisted living facility near the condo.
But she refused to look at any of the brochures or real estate.
She demanded that I stay with her on her house to help.
This went on for about 6 years, and I grew more and more depressed by her not letting me move out.
Last April she fell once again at home, but this time she was left unable to stand or walk and became totally incontinent. She would need 24 7 care.
I felt like the ground had opened up beneath me..... She didn't even seem upset, but I saw my future go out the window. She would need help with everything. The SNF admitted her to rehab, which I thought was ridiculous. It was a medicare bed, which was very lucrative fot the SNF. There was no way that this fragile, demented, bedridden, incontinent woman would benefit from any kind of rehab.
I pleaded with the palliative care nurse at the hospital to evaluate my mother for hospice.... But she refused, saying that normal aging doesn't qualify for hospice. She recanted when I called back to complain that vascular dementia is a terminal illness, and not part of normal aging.
I am so aggravated with my mother for leading me on to believe that we'd move, while she really was just stalling and had no intention to carry through with plans to move and downsize to a more suitable area for me....... It was more convenient for her to lead me on, chauffeur her around and do the house work.
Now she has passed away and I am left with all the headaches she left behind, and a future that I feel was stolen from me.
Vascular dementia can be so insidious that I really did not know that her gait and balance issues were a sign of dementia...... I truly thought these issues were from osteoarthritis of the knees and a past hip fracture.
I am so resentful and depressed now that I am left holding the bag. I find it hard to enjoy anything anymore. I was consumed by her during life with caregiving, and finding facilities for her.... And eventually making arrangements for home hospice.
I can't believe I was so naiive to trust this narcissistic mother that had her wishes carried out at the expense of mine. And that went on for years, before her mind deteriorates to an unbelievably low state.. Like a child demanding juice and when she was about to soil her diapers.... Progressing to delusions and hallucinations.
I am so angry with both myself and my late mother for believing any of her lies......and just helping her in her house. She had no regards to what was appropriate for me, just to stay In her house and help her.
Now I am left with grieving and also feeling great resentment. Towards my late mom
I am left with all the affairs she didn't want to deal with.... Selling the house if possible, her disorganized papers which I tried to explain to her years ago had to be put in some order for me to deal with... As she was getting up there in age and someone would have to carry on after she passes away...... She always refused any help with this.
Now I am grief stricken trying to deal with all her affairs after she passed.... And not caring that things should be put in order for me to carry on after her death... Including never selling the house.
I find myself no longer being able to enjoy things I once did, and wasted time dealing with a baseline stubborn mother only caring about herself.... And not even realizing for all the years that she was using me...... realizing that her mind and body were deteriorating and she needed someone to lean on.
I cannot move on without great resentment towards her, and naiivity on my part. I feel like she has sapped me of any pleasure or plans for a desired future.
Does anyone know of ways to become happy again after being led down this garden path by a mother who whose main concern was herself?