How best to comfort Mom?


My Mom just went to a really dark place. Vascular dementia, heart disease, pulmonary hypertension, afib, riddled with osteoarthritis. She doesn't want someone here all the time because she doesn't know why she needs someone here all the time. She doesn't like us coming and King. She wishes it was like when she was home. I told her everyone is grown and on there own, and we're working together to do our best to help her, and she said I don't know about that. She says she wishes she was dead. She misses her family so much. Her Mom, her sisters and even her goofy brothers. She misses her friend Mickey most os all. She misses Gert and Alice , she misses Rosalie. She has no be and no one wants her. I don't know what to do for her. I'm so sad for her. I feel so lost.

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Yes, let her talk about her feelings, but please make sure that the doctor who is following her dementia ( and i hope that's a geriatric neurologist, or someone with specialized knowledge of elders, dementia and brain function) knows about this.

Dementia comes in many forms. All of them mean that various structures in the brain are damaged or atrophied. Damage in the brain often wreaks havoc with the mind, and an insightful psychiatrist or neurologist can often find the right combination of meds to supply an alternate source of chemicals that are no longer being produced in sufficient quantity.

I have no doubt that there are elders who are being overmedicated. That fact should not keep you from having your mom evaluated for depression and treated for it if treatment is recommended. It might give her a better quality of life.
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I agree with Eyerishlass. I don't think that antidepressants for the elderly are always the first thing you should consider when they are showing signs of depression. Antidepressants are for chemical imbalances in the brain usually aren't they? Situational depression due to circumstances beyond one's control is an entirely different thing.

More and more studies are being done and they have found that elderly people are being overprescribed antidepressants and sedatives. Their body can not metabolize them like a younger person can and they contribute to brain fogginess and falls. A person who already has dementia does not need anymore brain fogginess.

I would listen to what Eyerishlass said and try to just love, listen and give comfort. Prayers don't hurt too.
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I think the best way to comfort your mom is to allow her to feel and talk about how she's feeling. It's OK if she feels like she wants to die. Those are her feelings and they're valid. She's outlived her family, even friends maybe, and that's a sad place to be. If she doesn't want to be alive her limitations as an elderly person must be very frustrating for her.

Just be her daughter. Love her. Listen to her. She doesn't need pep talks and admonishments about wanting to die. Respect her feelings. Be positive when you're around her. Let her know you love her. Hold her hand. There's nothing there that you can fix. You can't change her circumstances. Just be there with her. Give comfort.
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My 96- year-old mom expresses all of the time that she's ready to go. She's lived too long and we're all living too long. And in some ways, she's right. She's outlived all of her siblings and she has one friend who still writes occasionally. She moved up near me (with my late dad) 14 years ago. My dad died 7 years ago. I try to get mom out of her place into public so she can see little kids and flowers and trees and things that brighten her up. I took her out for lunch yesterday and to Target to buy snacks for her. She loved it and will talk about it for days.

My mom lives in independent living, but stays in her room 99% of the time. But she's not really depressed.

I think we do what we can do. I tell my mom we don't control when it's our time, and we just have to do our best to keep her in as good a shape as we can, so she can stay as independent as she can. So I'd try to keep your mom as involved in life as you can.
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Antidepressants. Maybe a visit from her minister/rabbi would help.
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