Follow
Share

Physically violent lewy body dementia. We had been in a Common Law relationship living in a home only I own, and he began having Dementia symptoms which became much worse. He suddenly began attacking me ( punching me in the face, brandishing knives, breaking down doors ( he is a former pro football player and I am a 100 lb woman) all violence has been based on delusional beliefs ( he thought I was sleeping with a man who died 20 years ago, etc.) I am working with Social Services and an Attorney to serve a Restraining Order and get him out of my home, however.....When he is not in a Lewy Body fugue, he seems fairly mentally competent, although his memory loss issues are profound and he often cannot recite his address or age. Without my caregiving, he would not eat or take his meds or even bathe. He cannot drive, has already crashed two of our cars and can't find his way back from 2 blocks away. It has been a month since I started the PO process and my understanding is, he might be too competent to move into assisted care, nor would he agree to it. I am terrified of him and even more terrified of what will happen when they serve the PO. I would just leave, even though it's MY house, but not only might he burn it down either on purpose or by accident, now I'm given to understand that I would be liable of abandoning a dependent adult. He only has a very small SSA income and my income isn't much more. I am just as terrified that even if they are able to put him somewhere, he will leave and come after me, a PO will be meaningless. I guess my question is, how do they keep a Dementia patient from just walking out of assisted care if he so chooses?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
So many great comments, Jeannegibbs, thank you, this was one of the options that Social Services suggested and may be the key. Givingitall, you're right, it's difficult to interpret meaning with text, and your original comment did bother me, that I was coming across as seeking an easy way out without any regard for the other person when it's really just the opposite....I'm frantic to find the best option but I have no way of paying for it , our combined income is $24,000 a year, and I cannot continue live in utter fear of a person I used to trust. To everyone asking about the football angle. He played briefly for the Cincinnati Bengals in the early 1960's, was injured and back then there wasn't a golden parachute like there is now. Also, one more thing I should add....we are very rural, I raise livestock on a farm for income, neighbors are few and far between, and it takes the police 20 minutes just to come up the road. Thank you to everyone taking the time to offer thoughts and suggestions....it does help to learn from other ideas.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I hope you have some relatives who can come to your side for support and comfort
You are doing the right thing to protect yourself and to find him help - if he has little income it is however unlikely you will be able to afford private pay memory care - I hope social services can help find a proper placement

There was an article written by robin Williams wife which appeared in the press this month and was published in a neurology journal - it details how quickly and severely he was inflicted by LBD -

My heart goes out to you
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

If he was a pro football
player, try contacting the league. Several studies and law suits have been done siting the long term effects of head injuries occurring to players during games and practices - and how it effects their mental health for the rest of their lives. Find an attorney who will help you approach the league for help and/or consider a law suit.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

Good grief, silkyGoat, I never meant to imply that you deserved any of the violence or terror that you are experiencing. It's hard to say what you mean on these little keyboards. I do think it sucks that the man you loved has become this monster for whatever reason. If it's dementia, then he probably doesn't have a lot of control over what he's doing and thinking. Small comfort, I know. Remember Robin Williams committed suicide after a diagnosis of Lewy Body dementia. He knew he couldn't face what he was going to become. I think when you are able to have him arrested (show the police that video for starters) for any violation of the PO, or arson or anything you are able to, well then he will become a guest of the local government and they will be medicating him no doubt. I wish you good luck, and like I said before, lay low. Stay out of his way as much as possible. There is no reasoning with dementia so he will never believe anything other than what he believes. Remove any pets from the house sooner rather than later. They will not deserve his wrath either. We'll all be sending prayers and good thoughts to you.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

My heart goes out to you, SilkyGoat. He may be "too competent" to be committed to a facility against his will. I am very glad to hear you are working with Social Services. If he is declared incompetent he would be appointed a guardian who would no doubt put him in a secure environment. A regular ALF or NH would not work. Most "memory care" facilities are secure, but not all can care for violent residents. This would not be your problem, however, if/when he is declared incompetent.

I really feel sympathetic to you, SilkyGoat. How awful this is for you! And I feel very sympathetic to your partner, too. Certainly he never asked for this. I assume he has sterling qualities that made you want to live together in the first place. For the delusions to have taken over is tragic. In Lewy Body the delusions, hallucinations, paranoia and behavioral problems resulting from them often occur very early in the disease. For this reason among others it is considered to have one of the highest caregiver burdens. There is nothing you could have done to prevent this. You are not a bad person for needing to protect yourself. I hope that goes without saying, but just in case you need to be reminded, this is Not Your Fault.

I hope Social Services and the attorney get him out of your house promptly. Meanwhile, protect yourself and call 911 if violence erupts.

Please keep us informed.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Being a former pro football player, he "ran" through all the money he made?
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

It sounds like your partner may not be well suited for regular AL. He may first need to be hospitalized and stabilized with medications. And depending on the assessment recommendation, he may need a Secure Memory Care facility, but even those places are not equipped to handle a dementia patient who is violent and out of control. He would need to get treated and in a better place so he is not a danger to himself and others.

I would get legal advice immediately regarding your property and safety.

Based on what I found at regular AL, they cannot hold someone there against their will, but they can delay them with practical measures. Like, they may not provide them a phone book to look up a taxi cab phone number. Or they may have the resident wait while they call the responsible family member. Plus, the resident may not have any cash and can't pay a cab to drive them away. So, sometimes the resident forgets that they have said they want to leave, before they actually do it.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

To Thomas and GivingIt, I agree that initially I also believed that assets acquired during the relationship are shared, but in an attempt to video document one of his anger outbursts for his doctor, I inadvertently taped him beating me bloody, which when I showed the attorney, he said the attacks forfeited any community property rights. And just for GivingIt: Sick or not, the man has beaten and terrorized me and I no longer feel safe in my own home. I have even had to install barriers so I have time to escape. Any feelings I may have had left when he knocked out my front teeth. He has no blood relatives.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Memory care near me is in a secure environment. The one I used for my Mom had outside walking paths in an enclosed area. Aides had to record EVERY hour where each resident was. Truly, no one got out of there in the 18 months my Mom was a resident. As you notes, he should not be driving nor can he be left alone. And frankly, I feel it is just about impossible for one person to care for someone at the stage you describe at home. Take a deep breath and seek out the best memory care facility that you can afford and that is near to you. In that way, you will visit and the facility will do much (not all) of the grunt work.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Consult an attorney ASAP. California community property laws are complex. As I understand the basics, if you and he entered into a legal domestic partnership, then he is entitled to half the assets, monetary gain, that incurred since the date of the domestic partnership agreement. If so, he may be entitled to half the value of your home. This fact justifies the cost of accurate legal advice.

Physical aggression is common beginning in severe dementia. The person living with dementia is not responsible for his violent behavior. Get him evaluated and diagnosed. There are meds that can control his aggressive behavior. If he ends up in a geriatric psychotic memory care facility, he will be both physically and chemically restrained.

You will be unable to handle this solely by yourself. If you can get his closest blood relatives involved, please do so ASAP. God bless you and good luck to you.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I'm not at all sure that he is too competent for assisted living. I do think that a psychiatric evaluation is in order. They will be able to find the right meds or combination of meds to control his agitation and anger. I'm sorry that this has happened to you and especially to him. A really rotten way to live out your final years. I'm sorry that you feel a protective order is your only option. I'm not a lawyer or even pretend to know the law, but since you are in a common law marriage, aren't the assets shared? I know in our state, you have to get a divorce if you split, just as if there had been a "real" marriage. Good luck to you and lay low for a while. To answer your question, in my experiences, you can come and go at assisted living without restraint. It would be the lockdown section of memory care that would have a better chance at keeping him in the building.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

You call 911 when this happens. No other way. They can Baker Act him, which is a 72 hour inpatient psychiatric evaluation.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.