One of my favorite and most useful quotes “events will happen that change the situation” Now you just have to get out of the way and wait it out. Changes come for us all, like it or not
I sit tight, do not help and wait patiently for something to happen. It will.
My brother and I tried for 10 years to get my mother to move in AL, she lived in NC in a mountain home with 13 steps up, she lived alone and watched game shows all days, she refused to move near us or into AL.
Finally she had a slight stroke and became afraid to be alone at night, we sprung into action. Moved her to FL and into AL.
The irony is that she loves it and now wishes she had done it years ago, new friends, activities, no housekeeping to do, no food to cook.
She was almost 94 when we moved her in she will be 99 in February.
We had to lay in the weeds and wait, she finally realized that she was no longer independent and able to care for herself.
Back off, don't be your parents crutch, enabling is not the answer.
This is key…..NOT to be a crutch and supply a false independence . Otherwise the elder will say , they are doing fine and don’t need hired help coming in or don’t need to move from their not elderly friendly homes.
* You do what you can. * You let go of what you cannot do.
* Realize that you can do so much and then the chips fall where they may.
While this may sound cruel or mean spirited, I believe it is what a person needs to do at a certain point when 'trying' to help an elder family member. Realizing our limits is critically important.
You must believe / feel that you deserve a life. Then you set boundaries. Then you deal with reality and make decisions that support YOU, and ultimately the family member in need.
Sadly, we are doing the exact same thing with my MIL.
Just waiting for the 'big fall' which may come as a actual fall, a heart attack, a stroke or just old age.
A solid year of propping her up has burned all family to a crisp.
We get LOTS of 'put her in a home' answers and that isn't going to happen, until she's deemed unable to make her own decisions. Nobody's pursuing that avenue, so it's just wait for the big bang.
If by assistance you mean OTHER than yourself then you back off what YOU are doing. Your schedule is full this week and you can't come do: laundry clean grocery shop take out the garbage and so on and on
If you are doing chores for her that she can not do or has trouble doing then by taking on those jobs you are enabling her to live "independently" You are in a sense propping her up and allowing her to live thinking she does not need help.
So tell mom that the grocery shopping will be done and DELIVERED. You can order but pay for the items from moms funds NOT yours. Mom can have a cleaning company come in 1 time a week...she pays for it. In some cases the cleaning company will also do laundry.
BUT if mom needs help with ADL's (activities of daily living) then she should NOT be living alone, or at least without caregivers that come in to help her. If she is cognizant she can make these decisions but if she is not then you or whoever is POA needs to step in. There is a difference between being stubborn and incognizant
She is 100? If we are speaking of the lovely lady in your profile? Hmmmmmm. I think her stubbornness is likely the answer to longevity, and I am going to start to say "NO" to EVERYTHING right now. PS: If it IS the 100 year old woman, and she IS in independent living, then I give her my congratulations, and a "well-done". As to how WE would handle it, I don't know if you will find another member of this forum whose parent made it to 100. Kudos.
I don't give my mother (96) a choice unless it's between apples and grapes or something irrelevant.
When she tries to refuse to take her Milk of Magnesia, I tell her that the nurse or the doctor said she needs to take it - which is true in general. Down the hatch it goes.
I don't give her a chance to refuse her weekly shower. I walk her in there and sit her down and get after it in spite of her non-stop complaining.
That's about all that she will protest at this point.
I'm getting ready to pull the trigger and use my position as POA this Spring and force a move. I see all the responses about waiting until something big happens and our LO will finally agree, but my step-father has had 3 major falls in the last year, got lost twice, once a hundred miles from home, all of which required hospital stays and long distance travel by me to get him. He hasn't learned his aid's name in nearly a year and dismisses his doctors orders. He doesn't bathe or eat healthy.
I've offered him my home and to move him closer to me or his daughter, or between us, into a facility. He insists he's fine at home with his dog. He has no family or even friends left where he is since my mother died. He gets extremely angry at the thought of moving and accuses me of trying put him away. He tells his daughter that I just want to sell the house. He's paranoid for no reason. I suspect that goes along with the dementia.
Taking care of him long distance plus the emergency trips are just too much and costing him thousands per month. Something has to give.
Are you talking about Independent living in a Senior community where she gets her meals, transportation and activities? I think they determine if someone continues to live independently. Maybe time for them to evaluate her for an AL where she gets help.
Our parents will always listen to someone other than one of their children. I went to visit Mom in her AL one day. I met her in the hallway on the way to her room. She told me she was looking for that baby who was crying. I told her there were no babies in the building just adults. The Medtech was standing there. Mom looked at the Medtech and said "If you tell me there are no babies, I will believe you." Medtech told her there were no babies.
This is so true. When my dad was still living on his own he would often visit me at work. He stayed healthy by doing a lot of walking. At this point he did not value my opinion on anything so if I needed him to listen to something (like taking his BP meds every day) I'd ask my receptionist to tell him to do that. Then he listened.
My brother and I tried for 10 years to get my mother to move in AL, she lived in NC in a mountain home with 13 steps up, she lived alone and watched game shows all days, she refused to move near us or into AL.
Finally she had a slight stroke and became afraid to be alone at night, we sprung into action. Moved her to FL and into AL.
The irony is that she loves it and now wishes she had done it years ago, new friends, activities, no housekeeping to do, no food to cook.
She was almost 94 when we moved her in she will be 99 in February.
We had to lay in the weeds and wait, she finally realized that she was no longer independent and able to care for herself.
Back off, don't be your parents crutch, enabling is not the answer.
Wish you the best!
* You let go of what you cannot do.
* Realize that you can do so much and then the chips fall where they may.
While this may sound cruel or mean spirited, I believe it is what a person needs to do at a certain point when 'trying' to help an elder family member. Realizing our limits is critically important.
You must believe / feel that you deserve a life.
Then you set boundaries.
Then you deal with reality and make decisions that support YOU, and ultimately the family member in need.
Gena / Touch Matters
Just waiting for the 'big fall' which may come as a actual fall, a heart attack, a stroke or just old age.
A solid year of propping her up has burned all family to a crisp.
We get LOTS of 'put her in a home' answers and that isn't going to happen, until she's deemed unable to make her own decisions. Nobody's pursuing that avenue, so it's just wait for the big bang.
Your schedule is full this week and you can't come do:
laundry
clean
grocery shop
take out the garbage
and so on and on
If you are doing chores for her that she can not do or has trouble doing then by taking on those jobs you are enabling her to live "independently"
You are in a sense propping her up and allowing her to live thinking she does not need help.
So tell mom that the grocery shopping will be done and DELIVERED. You can order but pay for the items from moms funds NOT yours.
Mom can have a cleaning company come in 1 time a week...she pays for it.
In some cases the cleaning company will also do laundry.
BUT if mom needs help with ADL's (activities of daily living) then she should NOT be living alone, or at least without caregivers that come in to help her.
If she is cognizant she can make these decisions but if she is not then you or whoever is POA needs to step in.
There is a difference between being stubborn and incognizant
If we are speaking of the lovely lady in your profile?
Hmmmmmm. I think her stubbornness is likely the answer to longevity, and I am going to start to say "NO" to EVERYTHING right now.
PS: If it IS the 100 year old woman, and she IS in independent living, then I give her my congratulations, and a "well-done". As to how WE would handle it, I don't know if you will find another member of this forum whose parent made it to 100. Kudos.
When she tries to refuse to take her Milk of Magnesia, I tell her that the nurse or the doctor said she needs to take it - which is true in general. Down the hatch it goes.
I don't give her a chance to refuse her weekly shower. I walk her in there and sit her down and get after it in spite of her non-stop complaining.
That's about all that she will protest at this point.
This is a dictatorship, not a democracy.
I've offered him my home and to move him closer to me or his daughter, or between us, into a facility. He insists he's fine at home with his dog. He has no family or even friends left where he is since my mother died. He gets extremely angry at the thought of moving and accuses me of trying put him away. He tells his daughter that I just want to sell the house. He's paranoid for no reason. I suspect that goes along with the dementia.
Taking care of him long distance plus the emergency trips are just too much and costing him thousands per month. Something has to give.
Good Luck to you. I know how difficult this is.
Our parents will always listen to someone other than one of their children. I went to visit Mom in her AL one day. I met her in the hallway on the way to her room. She told me she was looking for that baby who was crying. I told her there were no babies in the building just adults. The Medtech was standing there. Mom looked at the Medtech and said "If you tell me there are no babies, I will believe you." Medtech told her there were no babies.