How and when should I tell other family members that my husband and I are moving his mom into a skilled nursing facility?
I have been my mother-in-law's full-time caregiver for over 6 months now. She had a massive stroke, has diabetes, severe receptive and expressive aphasia and various other health issues. My husband and I have made the difficult decision to move her into a skilled nursing facility because her health is declining rapidly. (Please no judgment; we are set on this decision)
The problem we're facing is dealing with my husband's cousin (my mother-in-law's niece); let's call her "Debbie."
Well, Debbie used to (before the stroke) hang out with my mother-in-law 3x a week, have my MIL sleepover and has claimed many times that they are best friends. Debbie has only come to see my MIL 3x over 6 months and has not helped us at all with caregiving despite having the time to do so. She has made a few weak offers to stay with my MIL for a few hours so my husband and I can get out of the house but every time we've tried to take her up on that offer, she says she's busy. She really only checks in about my MIL if we all miss Sunday church.
We know she is going to be angry with our decision and I'm not sure when and how to approach this conversation. She has caused issues in the past when my MIL was in rehab with Debbie not respecting our wishes to not have a whole bunch of people visiting my MIL days after her stroke without telling us.
My husband is already struggling with guilt because of all of this and I don't want Debbie to cause him anymore stress/pain. Any advice would be helpful. Thanks!
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When she says "Why didn't you tell me??" you can smile sweetly and say, "We were going to tell you when we saw you, but we just never see you anymore."
And you can limit who is allowed to see your MIL.
Allow "Debbie" but not a gaggle of people.
Tell Cousin Debbie as nicely as you can. When she has more to say than you want to hear tell her that you are sorry for her grief over this, that you are ALL grieving it. That this isn't open for opinion or discussion. That there is quite enough on your plates now. Do tell her you hope she will visit, and to be a positive presence in your Mom's life; that she is WELCOME TO VISIT as long as she can stay within that boundary. Wish her well. And that is the end. Tell her that you do not wish to argue or even discuss this with her. Wish her well and hang up.
Again, I am thankful you understand your limitations. Not everything can be happy all the time at ANY point in life, and certainly not at this point. Some of it is going to bring tears. Is this loss after loss after loss not worth the grieving? Allow the tears to come; they will wash everything out.
My best to you. My heart goes out to you both. To ALL of you.
Don't bother HAVING a conversation with this armchair critic, she doesn't deserve your time or the stress you're suffering over it. Do what you feel is necessary and IF she contacts YOU, then you tell her where MIL has moved to, IF you feel like it. We owe these cousins precisely what they've given US over the years: BUPKUS.
Wishing you the best of luck with the upcoming move. I hope your MIL adjusts well to new accommodations.
Thank you for your advice!
I think that I would not tell her until it is a done deal and I would wait several months before I told her where she was.
If she questions you at church, tell her you got a professional to help your MIL. Period! You don't owe her any explanations or justifications for what you both feel is the best care situation for your MIL/his mom. Sometimes just looking at someone with her audacity and not saying a word is most effective.
I guess I am ornery, because I would call her out for never helping her best friend, especially since she offered and you couldn't continue to do it alone, if she pushed the issue.
At the end of the day, her son is her legal next of kin and that gives him the authority. A niece is far down the legal succession, she has no authority and has chosen to not be involved, so she's not involved.
Best of luck with an easy transition.
Don’t talk to ANYONE about the details of your MIL’s situation until she has moved to her new residence. Her facility will probably suggest that visitors be limited during her adjustment period, so if Debbie (Downer) throws a fit, shrug your shoulders, state simply that you’re dealing with the facility’s rules and say you’ll let Debbie know as soon as MIL is strong enough to enjoy guests (never).
You and DH are in control, you have done the hard work of the last several months, you owe apologies nor explanations to ANYONE.
Thanks for the advice!
This is a cousin. Her opinion does not matter and you don't need to give her excuses. Your DH does not need to hear any negativity on her part. A number of us are not in the position to be judgemental. We have had to make the hard decision to place a parent. For me, I was not a Caregiver. It was a Senior taking care of a Senior. Our LOs care is just beyond our capability. So, place your MIL. Take time to allow her to adjust and allow you both to adjust. I guess cousin will see you in Church and ask where MIL is. Hopefully its after the service or say "will talk to you after the service". Or don't go and then she will call. Then u can explain that MIL had to be placed and that you are both upset and adjusting but it had to be done. If she starts, tell her sorry but you are hanging up.
My Mom adjusted well to both an AL and LTC but she was in the last stages of her Dementia. We just told her she was going to a new apt with new friends. The staff was good to her.