How do you advocate for an abused senior relative that will not report or acknowledge that her son is abusing her?

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I am guessing that in all forms of domestic abuse, that much of it goes on and is perpetuated by a lack of willingness from victims to report their loved ones as abusers. So this has to be a common problem for many families. My mother-in-law has been financially and emotionally abused by my brother-in-law for many years, which has impoverished her. He's making a play for the last of her worth, the remaining equity in her home. He's already had her take out a 2nd mortgage and a line of credit which has led to her living in dire poverty, and the list goes on from there, which will mean she will be unable to care for herself. My husband's father was brutally emotionally abused by the same abuser as he was terminally ill, not to mention the financial abuse that caused him to lose his home in his time of need. My mother-in-law is now 80 and should not have to endure this fate as well. The elder abuse hotline lawyer told me, "It's not illegal to choose to be stupid." There has to be a better way to prevent and stop elder abuse than simply saying "The victim made her bed, so let her lay in it." Any successful stories of advocacy out there?

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OMGoodness! This story sounds almost like what my BIL did to my MIL. I became her POA and stopped all of the money going to him, except when she took him out to lunch, etc. However, when she passed away and had some money left, we had to pay off the line of credit, leaving very little for the rest of the family. By the time I paid off all the bills, we ended up having to evict him since he was living in her duplex and we had to sell it. Research showed us that over the years he lived there and never paid his bills (mommy ended up doing it), plus the line of credit credit card he ran up to the max, he ended up with over 100,000. He actually tried to sue his sister who was the executress because she didn't give him anything when the duplex was sold. (But the rest of the family got very little) Long story short, my SIL's lawyer and his lawyer spoke and his lawyer dropped him. It was so worth the fight. It floors me to know that people are so greedy with their parents money. But in our case, my FIL always felt 'sorry' for his son who could never get his life together. And in doing that to his son, he enabled him. I feel for you, and know how difficult it can make life. Hang in there..
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We have the same situation, gone so far as to transfer ownership of her house to youngest son who has been in and out of prison all his life. Mom, age 93, refuses to do anything that would send him back to prison. My sister will be moving in to monitor this son's treatment of my mom. Unfortunately, she gets all the work, he gets all the assets. Mom is mentally competent so we have been told there is nothing we can do.
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Sadly, there isn't a lot you can do if the parent is just enabling the son--this happened in our family. The other 5 sibs knew nothing about it until time came to move mother and dad out of their "big house" Oldest brother had robbed them of about 70% of the equity in their home, their silverware, coin collections, anything of value that wasn't nailed down. Once he was "outed" for it, his comment and attitude was "I am the oldest son and this is my right". What an idiot. Dad and mom were just prey to this vulture. They wound up with nothing, really, moved into an apt youngest brother built on to his house and they sadly lived there. Daddy died 12 years ago, mother has her SS, but she couldn't live on that alone--so she lives there for free and pays a small portion of the utilities.
We could not have stopped elder brother, he squandered all the money and wouldn't work, so legally, we did nothing. Parents didn't want him to "suffer" so they just sucked it up and sold their home. It was a sad, sad situation. Eldest brother died 4 years ago---having been MIA for about 12 years. In retrospect, I know we could not have talked mother and dad into seeing the light. Eldest brother was the golden child and they simply let him rob them. I don't know if APS could or would have helped. They LET him take from them. So sad.
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someone mentioned a protective force and I thought of something in light of that. What I would do is take a protective force over there and remove her from the situation. I would take her somewhere safe and don't tell anyone where she is, kind of like putting her in a safe house. I personally would not tell anyone not even lawn force meant where are you took her because they might force her back into the abusive situation since they don't know what's going on. I would protect her even if it means being arrested doing so because then you can get a lawyer and even have that lawyer get an elder care attorney for the victim. I personally would definitely protect the victim at all costs in light of knowing what is going on and what she's going through because I myself have been there and I can get pretty nasty if I need to step in and protect someone from an abuser, I would get nasty toward the abuser and protect the victim with my life
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If it is physical abuse, take her immediately to her doctor for an examination. It is the doctor's duty by law to notify the police. If anyone tries to stop you, call the police immediately. If she's giving her money away and there isn't a guardianship for her, she can give her money to whatever creep comes along.
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My Mother faces a similar situation. My brother either moved a fortune from her brokerage account to her brokerage account in 2008 or moved her money after explaining the benefits of clearing money out of the account in contemplation of her running out of funds 5 years prior to her actually running out of funds with the help of their mutual broker without respect that she is the Power in her trust agreement and my brother and I are equal if what he told me is true. The brokerage firm ignores the trust agreement and her wishes. My brother abused me as a child. He and his wife have defamed me to others and made best friends with my abusive ex and his 2nd wife. They all gained financially to at my expense. Mother did not talk to me for 20 years. She began acknowledging me when I supported myself, went back to school, graduated with high honors and was accepted to Law School. After 12 years of having a law practice, I was forced to retire for taking ill. Although I have a home of my own nearby, I stayed on a mattress on the floor of her Senior Living facility. I am still in that position. It broke into a battle with My brother, Cousin and mother's prior facility bonding together to break me and Mother up. It was a disaster, their forcing her to move into Personal Care and me to move out. She went from walking and being able to shower, go for walks, be independent except for me giving her medications and helping with her paperwork to being a total invalid, unable to balance sitting up in bed or shower or dress herself. Also she fell on her head several times after being wheeled back to her room and left alone in front of the TV. She couldn't get in or out of the wheel chair herself of get herself to the bathroom. My hours were cut in Personal Care after the facility injured her, being negligent, careless, and intentionally abusive to Mother and myself. It was very expensive having my hours cut with Private Duty Nurses Aids needed for several months. My brother is now cooperative and pleasant to me after seeing Mother's money flying out of her account into her prior facility. My son and I moved her to another facility when my hours were cut to 4 hours a day, 5 days a week. The damage to her eyes, glaucoma, went to sever for lack of proper administration of eye drops. Her money could run out if she lives to 104, 105 or longer even avoiding private duty Nurses Aids, with me being glued to her 24 hours a day, taking time out only when my son or daughter-in-law comes to stay with her which is about 20 hours a week. I live on social security and some expense money from my mother. My accountant, Mother's attorney and my brother all say not to worry about the 5 year look back, that Mother will not run out of funds and that I have to seek other counsel if I want an answer. I am worried that I will owe all the stipend I am receiving back if Mother has Nursing needs or prolonged medical treatment. I am told to just live with that anxiety. She doesn't speak up. This is what I do for her and I am here no matter what. It is a blessing that she and I have all this time to make up for the years we missed. She does not acknowledge abuse. She looks up to the male. The male can do no wrong. I live with that heartbreak. I have two more years in a bankruptcy and after that I could live on my social security alone . My brother is a millionaire and not in need. He demanded that my Mother give him equal amounts of money when my Mother started blessing myself and two sons with money after I closed my law practice. He double dipped. He moved out of town. Two years ago he and his wife happened to be in town for another occasion on Mother's 97th birthday. We spend 45 minutes with them. He rarely calls. We cannot look at monthly statements online. We are blocked from the transaction reports except for the monthly statements. I have no money saved up. With the money I receive I pay my son and his wife. Thank you for bringing up this topic. A dysfunctional family can create a lot of heartbreak. Everyone needs to be working for the good of the LO. Dissention, triangulating, power struggles can be a total disaster for the parent. It brings them no good.
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I reported my brother to APS for doing the same thing. A social worker came to interview mom within 48 hours. However, mom refused to press charges against brother. It was several months before I was able to get POA for her - not before she signed her house over to him, though.
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If your MIL is out of money, apply to get her into Medicaid. They will pay for a nursing home, meds, etc. and in the process take her home. The son won't be able to do anything about it.
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Where I live in CA, the elder doesn't have to agree to anything, APS just very skillfully and kindly interviews her. At least in our case, the person sent has been a godsend. Reading this 2nd report, a police report may be in your future. This is wrong. She needs help. Has she ever considered a reverse mortgage (after the bad guy can't get to that money!)
Good luck, she needs your help. Maggie
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The alleged victim has to speak up to confirm the abuse to authorities.
Have you considered Mother wants the dysfunctional bond to continue?

One might say to her, report it to authorities yourself, here's the number.

So very sorry for your plight.

Adding that 'Don't Ask' is correct, the victim won't speak up because of fear, so maybe removing her to a safe place first.

How about recording her complaints for the lawyer to hear, and the lawyer can interview her to confirm she wants relief from the abuse?
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