My dad got a sore that turned into a bad wound. He finally went to doctor and they sent a wound nurse. She convinced my dad who hates hospitals to go get care. My dad picked the hospital he does like and went. I went to see him Sunday. The wound is to the bone right above his butt. It's the most horrible thing I have ever seen. They are treating him. I'm so grateful. They are giving him antibiotics. So now he is trying to figure out how to get home.

The one agency can train me to do the IV bag replacement but they want my guarantee I will be there 24/7 or close 30 mins away. (I live in Laramie 100miles away) I explained I can take some time off but not 4-6 weeks. They cannot train his one caregiver bc of the rules. They made it very clear someone needs to be there at night when it goes off from an error or if it gets ripped out he could bleed out.

They won't take him on for wound in-home care, unless I am there to do the IV. I'm in contact with case manager at hospital, case manager with his disability, my dad refuses to go to a rehab/nursing facility knows he can do this at home. I've told him I can't be there for that amount of time, what if you go to rehab for part if it? No he doesn't like that.

I said when I tell them I will be there, I'm not lying and getting in trouble if something happens, plus I don't want anything to happen. He thinks we are making too big a deal, he will find more help and an RN to do IV. I'm like you haven't found help for years and now you can? He needs to go home to handle things. I said I can help with those things. He doesn't like that he can't leave the rehab place, doesn't like he can't smoke.

I told him if this infection gets worse you could die. He knows and promises me he is not going to let it get bad. Ha, I tell him you have a wound on your back the size of a fist but now you know better? He will check himself into the rehab if this doesn't work. So he wants me to lie to this agency so he can work the loophole to go home.

I'm just tired. I love him, want him to get well. It's been so nice to know he is getting care. I'm busy at work. Putting my head in hands. Why does it have to be so hard with some family. Me, I'd go get the care. Him no, wants to do it his way. I talked to his sister, my aunt, she lives 30 miles away and said she can help for a few days. I'm like great but what about the rest of the time? My dad is telling the hospital my brother lives at his house. I said he doesn't. My dad will be mad. Then the hospital tells me the home IV is not as bad as the agency is saying. My head hurts. I am standing firm but am getting worn down.

No, no, no. Dad needs to go to rehab.

Tell the hospital he is being manipulative and you can not give up your livelihood to let him have his way.

Find a rehab that has smoking area, they know people have this addiction, heck, I see nurses and other workers smoking all the time.

He is being selfish asking you to risk elder neglect charges by lying.

Don't let anyone bully you into doing this.

Stay strong!
Helpful Answer (19)
Reply to Isthisrealyreal

smilebeth, "unsafe discharge" is an important phrase for you to use, should you ever have to go toe to toe with a difficult hospital discharge planner.
Helpful Answer (16)
Reply to Linda22

My ex goes through the same thing with his mother. So the reason he would need 24/7 care is they put a PICC line in and someone needs to monitor it. The IVs take around an hour each.

So my question is, have they told you about the "wound care" yet? If the wound is that deep, you will need to go to a wound clinic a couple times a week at first to be trained. Those appointments last about 3 hours. The dr will set up a schedule usually daily for you to perform the dressings. Insurance will not pay for daily skilled nursing in a home. There will be appointments at the clinic every week or two you will need to attend for debrising and changes on how to dress the wound.

Since this is your first rodeo, they will send a nurse once or twice a week to make sure your doing everything right. After that, your on your own except for inserting or taking out the PICC line.

Once this level of care is needed, the person belongs in a facility. I have seen the toll it takes on the caregiver. If father continues to resist, I would speak to a lawyer and examine the steps that need to be taken to get him placed.
Helpful Answer (15)
Reply to tacy022
Judysai422 Jan 27, 2019
Great response!. I hope your advice is heeded.
Hospital staff typically seems focused on getting the patient out-the-door ASAP. If you are there they will gladly roll the wheelchair out to your car and tell you just to take the person home and take care of them. And, if you are a daughter, then yes, the medical community expects you will sacrifice your job/career at the drop of a hat for an elderly parent. Keep your distance, your job, your sanity and have them find another solution.
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Reply to Upstream
Girlsaylor Jan 27, 2019
This exactly how the medical community operates!
stay strong, do not jeopardize your own job and bread and butter! Where will you be if you lose that job, can’t feed yourself?
Case manager at Hospital called said something must be sinking in because I suggested looking in nursing/rehab and he agreed he even picked one out to look into. I told them that is wonderful. I backed off calling dad today because I want him to understand im not lying and these are his choices. I talked with my aunt and she is in agreement with me too. So it looks like it might work out! Fingers crossed he goes thru with it! I will call later and check on him.
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Reply to smilebeth

Hold tight!  Don't tell any lies, no matter what grief dad gives you.  It could really get ugly for you.  And you don't need to endanger your job (in this uncertain economy) just because dad is acting like an entitled child. This is his problem, not yours.
Helpful Answer (12)
Reply to rovana

"The one agency can train me to do the IV bag replacement but they want my guarantee I will be there 24/7 or close 30 mins away. (I live in Laramie 100miles away) I explained I can take some time off but not 4-6 weeks. "

Be very careful. How much is "some time off"? We've seen it happen so many times that the caregiver ends up quitting their job to move in and take care of the elder.

Don't be trained to do anything, and none of this can happen. Your father needs to be in a skilled facility to take care of his health. Don't even step in briefly to do caregiving.
Helpful Answer (12)
Reply to CTTN55

As always, the most important thing is for your father to have the care that he needs. You cannot provide 24/7 care in your home. He needs to go to a rehab. Yes, he's stubborn and he doesn't want to go. No one wants to admit that things are going downhill and they are losing their independence. You just have to come up with a sentence that you repeat, such as, "Dad, we have to do what's best and right now, etc etc." You'll fill in the details for your situation.
Nope, no lying to agencies about who is in the house. The only trouble you'll get in is when there is an emergency and no one is there to assist him. He is not going to check himself in or get the help he needs, and btw, that wound sounds awful. OF COURSE he needs help to make sure it heals.
You are in charge now, and you are the one who has to make the best decisions. It's no longer open for discussion!
Helpful Answer (11)
Reply to Rabanette

We get to the point where we have to become the parent to the elder.  My aunt wanted to go home, and ER was going to release her. I said No, she's worse now than 2days ago, in ER . I am not with her round the clock. She'll be passed out again and back here. They kept her for observation, and finally saw what I've been seeing.  She's still in hospital, going to rehab tomorrow. She doesn't know that yet. Not looking forward to telling her, but it has to be. Good luck making thru right decision for your father.
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Reply to GrannieAnnie

I didn't discuss it with Dad or Mom, I just arranged for transfer onto rehab. They were both upset that he wasn't coming straight home from the hospital but the therapists got him walking, talking and eating some foods again. He had 2 more months with Mom and the end wasn't abrupt or traumatic. If your dad hasn't got sense enough to take care of himself he needs a SNF until he is well enough to be alone. Also, plan on this happening again. Since he is a smoker and presumably diabetic you can also plan on a stroke. What will you do with him then? Don't be nice about this. It's YOUR life we are talking about here! You get to call the shots unless you want to walk away. Your parent's generation didn't care for people this old; their parents died younger and more cognitively intact.
Helpful Answer (11)
Reply to DrBenshir
Cherrysoda Jan 27, 2019
Glad you aren't my caregiver! Esh!
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