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GardenArtist
So sorry. I forget not all know our British traffic systems. lol (or lack of them) hehehe
Copy, paste and go,  directly into the address bar - below for a good example.


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Buzzy, "spaghetti junction.." that's a new one on me! I'll try to think of a slippery crossroads as a spaghetti junction, but right now it's just making me hungry for spaghetti.
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I suppose you could block the caseworker on your phone and refuse to discuss it. He is entitled to nothing from you or your mother.

It might be empowering to tell him now he’s going to reap what he’s sown. But since you’d let him chew your ears off daily for six hours maybe it’d be better not to speak to him at all, ever.
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Wrecked, I think you are at a cross-roads (more like a spaghetti junction)

Now is the time to stand and make your choice. WHAT IS GOOD FOR YOU? I would have underlined that but have no idea how on here. :)

Take heed of all the posts, they are a clever lot and so knowledgeable.
Stay strong my dear. We care.

(((((Hugs))))
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Too many responses so if I am repeating, sorry.

You don't have to give the caseworker a life story. Keep it short. You can say sorry the man has never been in my life. (Nice he sent money but he was never a "father" to you). I am caring for my Mother in her home. I have no POA on this man so I cannot make decisions for him. And, I am not able health wise to take on that responsibility. If the caseworker gets persistant tell him that Mr. So and So contacted you previously and his demands of you led to health problems. At that time you were told by the doctor to drop all communication with him.

You are not the only person who has gone thru what you have nor the only one who has told a caseworker you cannot help. You owe this man nothing. Forget that he supported you monetarily. If money is mentioned, tell them you are not responsible for his care nor can u afford it.

You don't have to be nasty, just firm. Once the conversation is over, request that you not be called anymore and to delete your no. from their records.

This is a sad situation for Dad. He lived the way he wanted with no responsibilities. He made good money. Now he is old with health problems and has no one. That is his fault, not yours. You owe him nothing.
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Wrecked, back away from waffling about whether you should/could/will ever have contact with him in the future ("if he's dying, maybe - safe..."). He is and has always been abusive, regardless of financial support - my own father was always willing to buy me books (I never figured that one out?), but was always emotionally and verbally abusive. As a little girl - or even when older - "we" want our Daddy! I always fought against Dad's abuse, but at the same time hoped he loved me and would someday show it appropriately. Sometimes, when things were "better", I'd let my guard down a little and hope, but it seemed he then did/said something painful that slammed that door shut!

You do not owe him anything at all - you do owe it to yourself to have a good life and health IN SPITE of the Hell he put you through. I agree with the advice to send a registered letter to the Hospital/social worker clearly stating that you are not and will not be responsible for him - they need to contact official professionals to take over that role. You do not have to tell anyone why, and they don't need details that give them - or him - possible space to use your soft heart (and misplaced sense of responsibility) to manipulate you. Just say NO!

Be strong and advocate for yourself. You know what to do - you know how you feel and how it has always felt concerning him. You just need to realize you deserve to be taken care of - and it's you who needs to do that now! JUST SAY NO!!
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Tell him sorry that you’re unable to help him. Suggest he go to his Church or Synagogue, wherever he can find help. Aging Social Services. Salvation Army ?
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Wrecked, Pepsee sums up better than I could what I also think are the basics of the situation. Having potential and recognizing it is not the same as acting on it.

From your own description, your life is far from what you wanted it to be. Make the call to the Care Manager, eliminate yourself from your father's life, as he did from yours for several years, and move forward toward your goals.

In fact, post your plan of action and we'll give you support for moving forward!
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Wrecked, this isn't about your dad, it's about you. You've
completely grasped who and what you father is. Let all that go. But know this, an absentee parent who provide good amounts of money to care for the family they walked out on, do it to alleviate their own guilt. So don't get that twisted.
You already know what to do about your father.

All of the turmoil you were experiencing came from your emotions. I was taught, if we live our lives and base our decisions on emotion, we usually screw up.

You said you believed you had the potential to have a successful life. Why didn't that happen? What hindered you? And what can you do to get back on that path? Why don't you have friends?

10 percent of life is what happens. 90 percent is how we deal with it.

Everything in life is just an "event" anything else is what we bring to it.

Believe me, I spent a lot of years getting help in finding out why my life was always a mess. If it didn't "feel" good, I didn't do it. And if it "felt" good, I did it....with horrible results. Successful people make decisions based on intellect, not emotion. Who knew? lol

Believe that you have all the things you need to build a fulfilling life, because you do!

Try your local behavioral health center. They usually have a sliding fee scale, based on income. I paid $5 bucks a visit.

Good luck, you got this and if you need a friend, I'm here, big hugs!
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Wrecked, this is the goal we all had for posting to your question. And thank you for all your updates. So many times we get heart-wrenching posts and then nothing more. We can’t help but wonder whatever happened to the Original Poster and how everything worked out. If they’re ok, etc. Keep us posted on how everything turns out for you.
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Thanks again, Ahmijoy, for everything you said! I feel much more equipped to face this now.

I'm going to be gone from the site for a while, but will update later.
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Wow, SueC1957, I've has so many great responses and yours is another one. Thank you so much for all your encouragement.You are right about everything you said about my father and this entire situation.

Since you asked, he elaborated at a later time as to why he didn't want me to see him in person. He said he looked like a decrepit old man and he wanted me to remember him the way he was. But I never completely bought that since he didn't seem to be against the idea of seeing him if he was ever in a desperate situation. Not surprising, since there has never really been any consistency in the things he says. He lies a lot.

I'm going to take your advice about Medi-Cal too, but I'd kind of given up on trying to pursue that since there are so many cuts to the program going on.

And don't worry--I have absolutely no intention of being responsible for him. I'm just not sure how to handle this with the case worker or what they are going to try to convince me of. I feel so much better now that I've gotten such helpful information here.
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Wrecked, do not let your emotions come into play in this situation. It is a very sad situation for your father, but not for you. Once you start feeling sorry for your biological father, all will be lost. You will become responsible for him. You have no real good, lasting memories of him. Nothing that would indicate he ever deserved the name “Dad”. He’s just, for all intents and purposes, a pathetic stranger. You don’t owe his Case Manager any details of your life now or need to give them any reasons why you can’t t and won’t be responsible for him. Who cares what they think of you? Once you tell them he’s not your responsibility, you’ll never hear from them again. They’ll push you, but be firm with them. “I can’t and I won’t” Thats all. Then hang up.
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CarlaCB, yes! Very well said and I couldn't agree more. You nailed it. Thank you so much!

It's good to hear from someone else who suffers from a sleep disorder. They're so debilitating. I'm sorry you have to deal with that too.

As for the social worker, that is probably what they are going to try to find out. I do certainly have a built-in exemption, but even without that one, there are so many others. How many would they like me to list? :)
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Wrecked,
In my opinion, your father was willing to "pay" so he could "play". There's nothing honorable about that.
Whether you were "planned and wanted" or not, it's his actions that speak louder than words. He didn't have any contact and you were emotionally abandoned by your dad.

How convenient for him to "rekindle" a phone conversation but not allow you to see him in person. What's up with that?

Do you see where a 6 hour conversation every day is sick? I used to do that with my dad too until my husband (at the time) got fed up of the mind games, snatched the phone out of my hand one night and threw it in the fireplace. Then he said, "You need to go for some help."

Your dad is either a narcissist or has a Asperger's  syndrome. All they think about are themselves and what other people can do for them.

I would NOT get involved in ANY way, as he is only out to use you for what you can do for him. It's the oldest trick in the book. Make someone think that you really care and are sorry, then that sweet person forgives you, then you can manipulate him/her any way you want for your own benefit.

Come on, he was out of your life for 30 years! 
Turn around and RUN!
This potential "relationship" spells trouble.

Now, you need to apply for Medicaid (Medi-Cal in California) to get some physical health and mental health insurance. 

I had a bad (sick) relationship with my dad too and the therapist recommend to cut all ties because I was so sick in the head. I took his advise and got better. You really can't allow your feelings (desire for a dad mixed with guilt) to get in the way of your health.

If you haven't seen him in 30 years, (abandonment), it really shouldn't matter what happens to him. The state will make sure he's adequately cared for.

Please don't put yourself in a detrimental situation by assuming responsibility for him. You need help to straighten out your thoughts from childhood and having him in the picture will only exacerbate your already conflicted feelings. I've been there and done that.

Take care of yourself and get better first. Then, if advised by a counselor, you could have contact with him. But I wouldn't. You've been traumatized by this man and you shouldn't initiate any more trauma.

God bless you. I know how you feel.
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Surprise, I'm so sorry to hear that you have a similar type of parent. She sounds wretched. It's true that no amount of eduction is of any help to these people--not even psychology degrees! I'm so glad you finally freed yourself by learning how to say "no."

I believe my boundaries have been firmly in place since going no contact. Even when doubts creep in, and they do creep in, I haven't broken it. Well, possibly if he was dying I would, in which case he would not be able to exploit it.

Although my life has been adversely affected by my childhood, I think the decades of separation protected me somewhat from a lot of what others go through when they can't escape. That made it all the more strange when I found myself, after decades, facing deja vu from my childhood, but I was able to make the necessary changes. Still, having to deal with the stress of the system's elder care expectations and not knowing what you're going to be hit with takes it's toll, because then it's right back in your face again.

I appreciate the book recommendation! I'm looking it up right now. If anything good can come of this experience, it's that it causes us to look for answers, and in the process, we become informed to the extent that we can spot the signs of this disorder in others and don't get sucked in. Boundaries are the key.

Dealing with the hospital, social services, or legal/medical system is a whole other matter, unfortunately, and not one I'm informed about yet, so this discussion has helped immensely.
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wrecked, I feel for you in your situation, as another one with a sleep disorder and an overdeveloped sense of responsibility. For what it's worth, I've come to believe that a parent who fails/refuses to take care of him or herself in their later years is committing a hostile act against the adult children that wipes out whatever care they provided in the child's younger years. It's basically a way of extorting payment for whatever care you were provided as a child. A parent's responsibility to their adult children is to take care of their own damn selves, financially as well as physically, to the extent they are capable. Your father has totally failed at this, and deliberately. I agree with the above posters that you don't owe him the time of day.

The social worker is probably trying to explore future housing options for your father. You have a built-in exemption - you live with your mother and her new husband. Your father obviously can't join you there. They'll probably pick your brain about other resources, family members, friends, et. who might be able to help your father. If you don't know of any, you don't know of any. He's not your responsibility. Keep saying this to yourself because there's a chance the hospital or others may try to convince you otherwise. Good luck!
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Wrecked, I could have been in your shoes had I not gotten help once I escaped from mthr's clutches! She has her degrees from a top 10 university which did not teach her how to be human. She's also a narcissist, possibly personality disordered, and a child and animal abuser. I was cometel devited to protecting her and her secrets. I married and moved away against her wishes and dared not set boundaries until she decided she was going to move to be near me & new husband. When I said over my head body, my husband knew I meant it. My therapist had me take a time out from the relationship to find out who I was without her and to learn how to say no.

The book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend is where I started. You can buy it used and it's a great starting point in your journey.
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Thanks, GardenArtist. Your second paragraph was something that had already crossed my mind, so you're on the same train of thought as me. The one thing I don't want to do is give the impression that me becoming the caregiver is one of the options. I'm going to be very clear about that, but I do want to know what the other options are. This doesn't mean I'm going to get involved (it's purely curiosity regarding what is going to be suggested and how they are going to approach me -- pressure, attitude, time constraints, etc). They can't really expect people to not be allowed time to think (I will laugh if they do), so saying that I need to think seems safe enough, that way I can at least get some info. A certified letter could still be a part of the equation.

I'm not even sure I want to talk to this case worker, but the situation could be entirely different than what I think. I want the communication to be in writing, so that I'm not taken off-guard and have time to think and carefully form my reply, but I'm going to be firm.

Thanks for the support, whaleyf! I agree!
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You owe him nothing and yes, you REALLY need to have no contact with him. Send the letter to what ever hospital he's in and then just block all calls. Letters can be returned un-opened. I know it can be hard, but don't feel guilt or let him guilt you into anything. Yes, he paid for your care. But that was his duty. Again, you ow him nothing. God bless you and hang in there.
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I typically read all the responses before I post but am kind of "cutting to the chase" now as I've got a long day ahead of me and just wanted to offer a quick comment.

You can always say that you're concerned, weighing options but can't make a commitment now as you're overwhelmed and feeling ill yourself. Ask what the situation is, what the options are, then say that you need to think this over as you're just too overwhelmed right now.

You don't need to make ANY commitments; keep the conversation directed to what his situation is so you show interest, and then indicate that you need to think everything through before making any decisions or taking any action.

That way you're not committing yourself to anything except thinking, and you can weigh the suggestions offered by others.
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Big thanks to both CTTN55 and BarbBrooklyn! Your posts are extremely helpful. I'm taking into account all of this info. It's invaluable to me.
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SnoopyLove, thank you so much! What you said is so true. I agree that providing financial support is what parents are supposed to do, but they don't all do it, and they certainly don't all do it as generously as he did. But it certainly doesn't make up for the negatives.

I don't feel obligated as much as I just feel sad about the entire mess. I find him pathetic and wish he did not do this to himself. I do not like to see anyone suffer and see them end up a ward of the state, prisoner to a horrible system without anyone who really cares about them, even if it's at their own hands. I think he thought he'd get away with his actions and it wouldn't turn out this way. He knows better now and I'm sure he's terrified, but it's too late.

I was not an unplanned child. My parents had a fairytale wedding and entered into their marriage with such hope. Mom still swears to this day that he "loves" me, but just never knew how to show it. But I don't think narcissists are capable of truly loving anyone. She says he dotted on me when I was a baby and was in awe of me. But that did not last and his dark side emerged. She was young when they met and didn't realize what she was getting into, although there were some red flags that she was too naive to understand at the time. Yes, he is cold and manipulative under the surface and often overtly as well, and it seems he just reappeared when I could be of use, which has created a lot of anger in me. I'm not sure if he is operating on a conscious level in that area. It's just the way he functions. He does not understand healthy human interaction.

Some people should never be parents! They only propagate more suffering on the planet.

Thank you mentioning support from a counselor. I have considered it, but it would definitely be a financial hardship. I am not going to rule it out though, so I'm keeping that option open.

I want to thank everyone who has responded. It has helped me so much to know I'm not alone in these these types of issues and that there are others who understand how difficult end-of-life issues are for adult children. The system needs to change. Better options need to be available without destroying so many lives in the process.

I will update when I find out more.
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Just for the sake of unanimity--send a certified letter. Or call the hospital and say " no" as many different ways as you need to.

Don't let ANYONE tell you that you have an obligation, legal or otherwise, to provide care for this person.

Parents have a well defined LEGAL obligation to care for their children. That is not reciprocal. You have no obligation here, although hospitals and social workers have been known to try to make adult children feel that there is an obligation.
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Please keep us updated. How about not answering the hospital case manager's calls (do you have Caller ID?).

Remember, he's told you he never wants you to see him. Keep that promise!

Stay away and out of his life completely. You owe him nothing.

(Remember, he might have told the hospital he has a daughter who will assume responsibility for his care. The hospital would like that, because it's EASIER on THEM. NOT YOU. And YOU count more!!!)
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Hi, Wrecked. I think you should continue to stay no-contact with this extremely cold, abusive, manipulative person. I'm afraid he only contacted you as soon as you could be of use. You definitely shouldn't feel somehow obligated because he contributed financially to your upbringing: that is simply what all parents do in a civilized society.

I know funds are tight but any way to get a little support from a counselor with this whole situation? I know you're feeling "wrecked" right now in this crisis but I would love for you to be able to start moving from wrecked to "rebuilding"!

Stay strong and let us know how things go.
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Thank you, surprise! You have no idea how much I needed that. You are right, of course. I think what bothers me is that he thinks we reunited and he had his daughter back again (never mattered until he had no one else and got deperate) and that I was somehow going to be his rescuer and entertainment.

He is oblivious to the effect he has on others with his words, attitudes, and behavior, even when they try to tell him. I never really got to confront him about his failure as a father, so he thinks everything was fine. But I did attempt to set boundaries, which he violated, so you'd think that would give him a clue, but nope. He could never imagine why I'd abandon him now because he's living in a fantasy...I think it's the only way he can live with himself, plus, he thinks I'm such a nice person that I'd never do that. I am, but I have to take care of myself. I know he does not understand why I stopped calling. It makes me feel pity, but I have to be careful because I know what I trap that can be.

I believe opening the door to more contact would not be wise and it's futile to explain any of this to him. On the other hand, in the off chance that he's dying (which I doubt now that he is in the hospital getting treatment), I'm not so sure I would not at least go see him, but I do not know anything because the hospital won't give me any medical information over the phone -- HIPA laws.
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Thank you for such a detailed reply, jeannegibbs. I appreciate the time you put into it. Those are all really good suggestions. I will have to put something together using bits and pieces of all of that.

The thing is that he wasn't a deadbeat in the sense of being financially responsible for me when I was a child or after the divorce. The man was an engineer, so he had a sharp brain. He always paid his child support and was willing to help out financially with anything that my mother or I needed. He even gave her the house they owned together and left with just his clothes, so he wasn't selfish in that way, but in every other way he was massively self-centered and psychologically cruel. It's very confusing.

Once I was an adult, no college help, nothing. His generation didn't understand that mine was going to need college or some kind of decent start in life, because the world was starting to change. That's fine...so I was going to have a harder road...that's the way it goes, but it's the rest of it that wrecked me.

I suppose I feel badly for him because he did see to it that I was well-cared for financially as a child, despite his long history of emotional neglect and psychological abuse, and I do have appreciation for that, but it doesn't make up for the trauma and abandonment. He never bonded with me and was never interested in being an emotionally supportive father. He just left me out to dry. I honestly have no idea what it's like to have a supportive father who is there for you, as I observe with other people. I always wonder what that must be like.
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My dear, there is only one person who is responsible for that man - he himself. Not you. I'd suggest to the social worker that they should get a state appointed guardian as he has not been a part of any family for more than 30 years and no one is in a situation to be able to help. Let him go and lie in the bed he made. The apostle Paul said if a man will not work, he shall not eat. This man did not work on good relationships and is simply the man who knocked up your mama. He has no relationship to fall back on, and to give him a false relationship would be to go against what St Paul said.
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What should you say the the hospital worker? Well, that depends on why they are contacting you, I suppose. But let's assume it is what you fear: a request for you to take some responsibility for him. Try out one or more of these responses:

I couldn't possibly do that. I have medical issues myself.

My father completely abandoned my mother and me when I was a child. I was willing to reestablish contact with him, but I am certainly not willing to take any responsibility for him. He never took any for me. I hope you can find a good solution for his ongoing care.

I wish him well, of course -- he is my biological father. He has never been a dad. Perhaps one of the many women in his life over the years would provide caregiving. I won't.

Thank you for contacting me. You may contact me again when he is discharged and give me his address. I'll drop him a card once in a while.

I couldn't possibly do that. I have no knowledge of his finances and no ability to gather information for him to apply for Medicaid. I wish him well, but I cannot take any responsibility at all for his financial status.

I couldn't possibly do that. I have some mental health issues I am working on and my adviser told me to cut off all contact with this man. I'm sorry. I don't wish him to suffer, but I cannot be involved in his life.

I'm sorry that he ignored eviction notices and now doesn't have a place to live, but there is nothing I can do about that. He'll have to figure this out with someone else's help.

No. I couldn't possibly do that. No. (Repeat as necessary.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You don't need to make any decisions for him. You need to make decisions for yourself. You don't need to weigh any options. His life. His decisions. Except he cannot decide to live with you or to get caregiving from you, because you've made your decisions.

You don't owe anyone an explanation of your decision. It might get the hospital worker off your back faster if you give a very brief reason such as those listed above. But just saying No is OK too.

By the way, your post is clear and concise. Thanks for that.
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