Hello everyone, I need some help with an impossible situation involving my bio father (currently 82). I apologize for the length of this, but I need to give some background. My father was never available in my life. He lived a separate life from my mother and me. When he 'was' around he was emotionally abusive to both of us...something that to this day he seems to have no awareness of or is pretending not to.
My parents divorced when I was 13 and I didn't have that much contact with him after that. There was never any normal custody arrangements or child visits after the divorce, even though my mother was open to it, despite his behavior. He wanted to live his own life and did not want a kid hindering his freedom to bar hop with women...his main interest in life. I was exclusively with my mother. My only contact with him was a few phone calls a year and holidays.
When I was in my 20s he unexpectedly disappeared, leaving no trace. He abandon all contact with me, which, if you understand his personality, was actually a blessing, but I didn't understand it at the time because there had been no conflict between us (I was always pleasant, respectful, and didn't voice my trauma). For almost 30 years, he was missing and couldn't be found. Then a couple of years ago he contacted me, old, alone, and in poor health, saying how much he loves me, how sorry he is, and that I'm all he's got...that I'm his everything. I think you get the picture. He made me promise to never come to his house or see him, but we could talk on the phone and get reacquinted. Very odd.
He was so sweet at first and I was forgiving, but eventually I realized these conversations were all about him. He talked nonstop about himself (much of it was BS), never allowing me to get a word in. He eventually started saying some very uncaring, self-centered things. The conversations were crazy-making. I saw in him the exact same person I remembered from my childhood and all the trauma came flooding back. He expected me to stay on the phone with him for up to 6 hours at a time, nearly every day, listening to his insane rantings. He also made threats about how I was expected to handle his life in the future once he was unable. The entitlement was astounding.
I have so much pent up anger because I've never been able to voice how wrongly he's treated me from birth right up until now. Despite my warnings that he needed to get himself into some kind of assisted living and get regular medical care, and that he should not be in a 3-bedroom rental house, he refused, saying that he was doctoring himself. He has foot ulcers due to poor circulation that were getting infected. He claims to be "housebound" (his own fault due to refusing to get treatment or live in a proper place for his needs). A neighbor does his grocery shopping. He complained constantly about going downhill, but refused to do anything about, yet he had plenty of energy for nonstop phone conversations.
This went on for almost 2 years. I couldn't take any more of it. I had to see a doctor without having any health coverage myself, and explained the history and situation. She told me to cut off contact with him completely because I was suffering severe anxiety and PTSD and it was taking a massive toll on my health and well-being. Shortly after, my mother, who has always been there for me and is a loving parent, had a sudden near-fatal illness. We didn't know if she'd make it. I have been no-contact with him since that time.
My mom is stable now, but in the aftermath, I had a breakdown due to the previous cumulative stress, extreme fear of losing her, and trying to care for her under sheer exhaustion. I live with her and her husband now, so that I can be close and help her. Since he reappeared in my life, I've come to realize he has the traits of narcissistic personality disorder. I now realize how damaged I've been all my life and it's very frustrating, because I'm an intelligent person who had so much potential. I had to quit my at-home job because I couldn't manage the workload with all of this going on. I've had to work from home because I have a debilitating sleep disorder and keeping my own hours is a doable must. This has always greatly limited my job options and adversely affected other areas of my life. Now my life is in dire straits. I have no vehicle and my father lives a distance that creates a hardship, but refuses to move. I'm an only child, no family of my own, single, and have no friends/social support (not for lack of trying) or anyone to talk to except my mom, who's condition is still guarded.
I just found out that my father's landlady sent him an eviction notice 3 months ago because he refused to let anyone into the house to do necessary maintenance. He ignored the notice. She called him 2 weeks ago to remind him. He told her he didn't feel well so he couldn't move. She had to get a lawyer. He refuses to acknowledge that he can hire movers and they do all the work, which is a conversation I had with him previously. This is a pattern. He has done this sort of thing his entire life, so it's not happening just because he's old. He has a good retirement income, excellent health coverage, etc. He is in a better position than me! I've found out a lot about his behavior during the 30 years he was missing. It's crazy, but I'll spare you the details. He has made zero plans for this time in his life. He was too busy "living it up" until his health declined. He was taken away in an ambulance a couple of days ago. My guess is that he was in bad shape due to panicking over this situation, and not taking care of himself. Now there is a case manager from the hospital trying to contact me.
My anxiety levels are again through the roof. I haven't even fully recovered from my last breakdown and feel like I'm on the verge of another one. I don't know how to deal with this. I suspect my father has told them he has a wonderful daughter waiting in the wings and that we have always had a normal family relationship. In spite of everything, I feel so bad for him. I don't want him to suffer and would never intentionally do anything to hurt him. He's done the best he could, but it's been so damaging and I'm too incapacitated by my own life to be able to help. The only decisions available are the ones he threatened me not to make and I wouldn't choose those for him if there were better options. Plus, there is no POA, will, or anything else. He refused to handle that when it was doable because it was too much trouble. He said it would all just have to work out. He's had his entire life to plan for this, but didn't want to be bothered. Any help and advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for listening.
Thanks for the warning and info! I will verify everyone I talk to from now on.
I'm sorry to worry you, but I just help thinking it was odd, although there's also a lot going on in this situation.
You can verify by calling the police department for which he said he worked.
Something sort of similar happened to us once. A woman came to my father's house asking for information about a neighbor, since he had applied to the state police academy. She was in plain clothes, so I asked for ID, got a badge number or something, told her I'd verify her identity, then call her back after I had done so. I refused to give her any information "on the spot." She was legitimate and was kind of surprised if not amused that I wanted to vet her, but she understood.
I want to thank everyone who has participated in this discussion. It's been more helpful than words can express. In fact, I don't know what I'd do without the people on this forum right now.
Hopefully the state will step in to oversee his care and you will be able to step back a bit, emotionally. This has got to be so stressful for you!
I assumed it was reported by another police officer who lives in the neighborhood. The good neighbor told him what happened, so they both went to bio-dad's house to find out what was going on. That is when an ambulance was again called.
APS was in the neighborhood today and went to the good neighbor's house to ask questions. It was APS for sure. She left her business card. Seemed like maybe they were doing an investigation, which would have occurred due to this being reported. It might have been the landlady who initially reported it, because she was at the house right after he was taken away in an ambulance (the 2nd time) and the good neighbor told her about the theft at that time. The detective said he had already spoken to her. She's probably the one who gave him my phone number.
Who notified him of the financial theft, and was there anyone who filed a complaint?
JoAnn, I wasn't actually worried about anyone thinking I was involved with the stolen money (that can be traced), but was thinking that maybe since I wasn't taking responsibility for him, they might accuse me of parental neglect, not knowing the history. Regarding the robbery, I blame the bank too. Thanks for the tips!
UPDATE - I have more info now. It was not the ATM card. That didn't really make sense. What happened is that my dad wrote his shopper/errand guy a blank check to go and purchase cremation services for him. Why was this necessary? Let the estate handle it! Instead, the guy just made the check out to himself for the amount in the account and cleaning it out. Who gives a blank check to someone they already don't trust?!! It's pure insanity! Not to mention, I'm sure he was ripping him off bit by bit the entire time with the card.
I've spoken with the detective. He seemed less concerned with the stolen money (he said that's just hearsay at the moment) than with collecting info on bio-dad. He said a conservator will be set up and he needed a lot of info. I didn't even have all the answers and felt a bit uncomfortable with some of the questions, but was not accused of neglect.
He wasn't interested when I mentioned abuse or abandonment of the relationship on my dad's part and was just on a mission to collect as much financial info and other details as possible. He didn't ask anything about me in that regard. I told him which medical insurance he has and that sort of thing. He asked about his retirement, how much it was, etc...I didn't have those answers. He asked if my name was on any of the bank accounts (it's not).
He asked the location of various bank accounts and approximate amounts. I was only able to tell him what I recalled bio-dad told me about that. He did say he was going to try to get info from the bank about this "supposed" large transaction. I hope they release that! He asked questions about why my dad had a smaller account at another bank. Isn't that a strange question? How would I know and what difference does it make? I told him about the shopping arrangements with the two neighbors and that the good one had to quit because bio-dad was verbally abusive. He then asked, "Abusive in what way?" I told him to talk to the neighbor, but that there was a lot of criticism, cussing fits, and unreasonable demands.
So, I guess he will be a ward of the state now, which is exactly what he never wanted. I'll update again once I find out about the stolen money.
I understand about the potential for inheiritance. I chose to walk away from it the first time I went no contact with mthr. It's way big. When APS called me to rescue her, I did want to put her somewhere safe nainly to protect the people around her so she would not wander into the path of a car and traumatize that driver for life. However, my inheritance did factor into the decision.
Memory care + extras cost us over $50k a year and nursing homes are twice that and more. Evaluate what you would actually earn from your relationship before you become heavily emotionally invested. I chose to let the land fraud go because it was such a minor asset and it would be a pain to sell. The "loan" to the bank officer was repaid immediately and we let the officer retire without filing charges. It was not worth my time to pursue these folks. If my reparations were not so large, I likely would have allowed the state to take over and I'd still inherit the balance upon death, the tactic I think you could take.
One if the most useful things to express is, "it's so hard dealing with untreated mental illness." That gets sympathy on your side. "I'd love to be helpful, but he's pushed everyone helpful out of his life with verbal abuse." "He's wounded me with his words so many times I have protect myself." Best wishes with the detective.
The only thing to fear in this situation is that someone you don't know is going to 1. think badly of you and/or 2. try to make you feel guilty.
I think you're pretty immune to both of those. If the detective can recoup some of that money for the old guy's care, and to bury him, that would be a bonus, yes?
The hospital either discharged him or let him leave AMA. If they thought he was incompetent, they wouldn't have let him go.
Call the detective back, because fear of the unknown will drive you nuts. It's usually never as bad as we imagine.
Everything will be ok. You did nothing wrong.
It was not any specific sites where I saw those comments about caring for a parent no matter what. It was just various discussions across the internet where I would see people being very accusatory toward others in similar shoes as mine. There just seemed to be a lot of it and it was shocking. And then I experienced that in my own life. A friend of mine actually stopped speaking to me because I voiced what was happening and what I needed to do about it. She has loving parents, so she didn't get it and decided I was a bad person.
I'm so glad your daughter has your husband and is treated well by him. That is a wonderful thing for her. It sounds like her bio dad was similar to mine in terms of the lack of interest in her, but on top of that mine was horribly abusive. I was and still am fortunate to have a wonderful uncle on my mom's side who I adore.
NEW DEVELOPMENT: I'm now being contacted by a detective--I'm assuming about the stolen money, but I'm not sure. I hope he's not going to accuse me of being neglectful. That couldn't happen, could it? Am I going to be in trouble? I just don't know what to expect anymore. The good neighbor notified a police officer who just happens to live in the neighborhood and they went over to try to get some info from my father about the stolen money, but he was in such bad shape he couldn't speak (not drinking or eating), so he got hauled off in an ambulance again.
Does anyone have any advice about speaking with this detective? Anything I should be concerned about? Thanks!
When a new person posts on a site like this, they don't know what to expect from the members. I've seen a lot of accusations across the internet on elder care, and they're almost always in favor of the abuser/parent. They tell adult offspring that regardless of the horrible circumstances, they are wrong and selfish for not doing everything they can for such a parent. The irony in that! This has happened to me in 'real life' too, on this very issue.
So, sometimes it's best to say things in a way that sounds very compassionate and caring along with the hard truth, otherwise there are people who will attack you for being cold and uncaring. The problem with that is that then everyone thinks you're a bit too soft or a doormat and I'm afraid that might be what has happened here.
Anything I've said to make people think I feel a sense of responsibility, guilt, or obligation can move on from that now. I don't, and after being here and realizing that people would not attack me for being unwilling to be involved with this sperm donor, I know that I can speak freely now. Thank you to everyone for that! :)
So, just to clarify, I will never have any contact with this man again, not on the phone, not in letters, not on his death bed, not anything. I'm way beyond done. I haven't even spoken to him since 2016.
I don't think they're going to tell me anything about his discharge because they've refused to tell me anything other than the case manager question, but I can try later. It's still too early here.
If anything, it could be some other kind of scammer who found an open door via this whole mess. That doesn't quite make sense but nothing would surprise me anymore. The phone number does originate from the city the hospital is in. I will call the hospital today and find out if this case worker does in fact work there.
It seems possible that your dad got a "friend" to call you. I can't imagine a Hospital Case worker hanging up on someone or talking to you the way he did.
I think you might want to call hospital discharge to make a complaint about the case worker and the fact that your dad was "sent home to die". You may discover this was a scam of some sort on dad's part.
Look, you can do this because you have NO obligation to your father.
I might call the hospital discharge department and find out if this man is actually an employee. I smell another of dad's plays here.
As for inheritance, there is a savings account, so that one will get gouged badly if this one is gone. The way I see the inheritance, as I told him many times when I could get a word in edgewise, is that it was his money for his care. He screamed that there wasn't going to be any care and that I was going to have that money, yet there is no Will because he didn't want to bothered, even though he had decades to do it.
The way I see it, this is not about money, even though it would be a lifesaver. But my mom is always bending my ear that the money would be the least he could do after what he's put me through. She'll tell me to pursue this. I don't know.
No doubt he's been cussing & yelling, raising as much hell as possible, and making all kinds of threats. They probably hate him. It's what he does when others don't comply with what he demands and what he was demanding was to go "home" even though he doesn't have one.
Shouldn't a case worker know better than to be played? After talking to the guy, he's definitely a bonehead---the rudest a*****e (can I use that word?) I've ever spoken to (other than dearest dad). On top of that, I could barely follow what he was saying because he talks high speed and rattles off a bunch of jargon And to think he's supposed to be helping people!
I came here to reply to some of the last few posts from the other day I had not yet responded to, but thought I'd check my email first. That is when I found out about the robbery in an email from the neighbor, so I just found out right before posting here. I'll get back to the other replies later. This takes precedence at the moment.
If anyone else has any input, I'd be happy to hear it.
Ask good neighbor to make a call as well.
I have NO idea why the hospital made such a boneheaded discharge. It's possible that your father " played" them and made claims that they bought. The hospital may have set up home care. No idea except this one:
This NOT your piles of $**t to clean up. Call APS, anonymously if you need to.
A good neighbor has now notified me that he was brought back to the house where he's being evicted. I don't know who brought him back. He only has one week left there before the eviction. The neighbor said he was "brought back to die." Does this sound right to anyone? What does that mean? Why wouldn't social services be handling this now? Could he have refused any help? "Brought back to die." sounds like something my father would say, not the hospital, but I have no idea.
On top of everything else, the another neighbor (bad neighbor) who does his shopping has cleaned out his checking account of every dime. Nearly $100,000, because he gave him his ATM card, which I told him not to do ages ago. This guy has been been shopping for him using his card, because he was stupid enough to turn it over, for convenience, I'm sure. He's probably been gradually taking whatever he wants off the top anyway, but now he's wiped it clean because this guy "thought he was going to die." So he helped himself. This person has committed a crime. Shouldn't something be done? My father is not going to do anything (neither call the police or press charges), since he thinks he came home to die, so he doesn't care. But this guy shouldn't be able to get away with this.
I'm so sick of this crap.