Hello everyone, I need some help with an impossible situation involving my bio father (currently 82). I apologize for the length of this, but I need to give some background. My father was never available in my life. He lived a separate life from my mother and me. When he 'was' around he was emotionally abusive to both of us...something that to this day he seems to have no awareness of or is pretending not to.
My parents divorced when I was 13 and I didn't have that much contact with him after that. There was never any normal custody arrangements or child visits after the divorce, even though my mother was open to it, despite his behavior. He wanted to live his own life and did not want a kid hindering his freedom to bar hop with women...his main interest in life. I was exclusively with my mother. My only contact with him was a few phone calls a year and holidays.
When I was in my 20s he unexpectedly disappeared, leaving no trace. He abandon all contact with me, which, if you understand his personality, was actually a blessing, but I didn't understand it at the time because there had been no conflict between us (I was always pleasant, respectful, and didn't voice my trauma). For almost 30 years, he was missing and couldn't be found. Then a couple of years ago he contacted me, old, alone, and in poor health, saying how much he loves me, how sorry he is, and that I'm all he's got...that I'm his everything. I think you get the picture. He made me promise to never come to his house or see him, but we could talk on the phone and get reacquinted. Very odd.
He was so sweet at first and I was forgiving, but eventually I realized these conversations were all about him. He talked nonstop about himself (much of it was BS), never allowing me to get a word in. He eventually started saying some very uncaring, self-centered things. The conversations were crazy-making. I saw in him the exact same person I remembered from my childhood and all the trauma came flooding back. He expected me to stay on the phone with him for up to 6 hours at a time, nearly every day, listening to his insane rantings. He also made threats about how I was expected to handle his life in the future once he was unable. The entitlement was astounding.
I have so much pent up anger because I've never been able to voice how wrongly he's treated me from birth right up until now. Despite my warnings that he needed to get himself into some kind of assisted living and get regular medical care, and that he should not be in a 3-bedroom rental house, he refused, saying that he was doctoring himself. He has foot ulcers due to poor circulation that were getting infected. He claims to be "housebound" (his own fault due to refusing to get treatment or live in a proper place for his needs). A neighbor does his grocery shopping. He complained constantly about going downhill, but refused to do anything about, yet he had plenty of energy for nonstop phone conversations.
This went on for almost 2 years. I couldn't take any more of it. I had to see a doctor without having any health coverage myself, and explained the history and situation. She told me to cut off contact with him completely because I was suffering severe anxiety and PTSD and it was taking a massive toll on my health and well-being. Shortly after, my mother, who has always been there for me and is a loving parent, had a sudden near-fatal illness. We didn't know if she'd make it. I have been no-contact with him since that time.
My mom is stable now, but in the aftermath, I had a breakdown due to the previous cumulative stress, extreme fear of losing her, and trying to care for her under sheer exhaustion. I live with her and her husband now, so that I can be close and help her. Since he reappeared in my life, I've come to realize he has the traits of narcissistic personality disorder. I now realize how damaged I've been all my life and it's very frustrating, because I'm an intelligent person who had so much potential. I had to quit my at-home job because I couldn't manage the workload with all of this going on. I've had to work from home because I have a debilitating sleep disorder and keeping my own hours is a doable must. This has always greatly limited my job options and adversely affected other areas of my life. Now my life is in dire straits. I have no vehicle and my father lives a distance that creates a hardship, but refuses to move. I'm an only child, no family of my own, single, and have no friends/social support (not for lack of trying) or anyone to talk to except my mom, who's condition is still guarded.
I just found out that my father's landlady sent him an eviction notice 3 months ago because he refused to let anyone into the house to do necessary maintenance. He ignored the notice. She called him 2 weeks ago to remind him. He told her he didn't feel well so he couldn't move. She had to get a lawyer. He refuses to acknowledge that he can hire movers and they do all the work, which is a conversation I had with him previously. This is a pattern. He has done this sort of thing his entire life, so it's not happening just because he's old. He has a good retirement income, excellent health coverage, etc. He is in a better position than me! I've found out a lot about his behavior during the 30 years he was missing. It's crazy, but I'll spare you the details. He has made zero plans for this time in his life. He was too busy "living it up" until his health declined. He was taken away in an ambulance a couple of days ago. My guess is that he was in bad shape due to panicking over this situation, and not taking care of himself. Now there is a case manager from the hospital trying to contact me.
My anxiety levels are again through the roof. I haven't even fully recovered from my last breakdown and feel like I'm on the verge of another one. I don't know how to deal with this. I suspect my father has told them he has a wonderful daughter waiting in the wings and that we have always had a normal family relationship. In spite of everything, I feel so bad for him. I don't want him to suffer and would never intentionally do anything to hurt him. He's done the best he could, but it's been so damaging and I'm too incapacitated by my own life to be able to help. The only decisions available are the ones he threatened me not to make and I wouldn't choose those for him if there were better options. Plus, there is no POA, will, or anything else. He refused to handle that when it was doable because it was too much trouble. He said it would all just have to work out. He's had his entire life to plan for this, but didn't want to be bothered. Any help and advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for listening.
My father hasn't exactly threatened me to care for him. He knows he never did a damn thing for his own parents. He was estranged from his own father and never had to face this when he died rather quickly. And he left his brother in charge of his mother when she failed. He was off doing exactly what he wanted and told him he couldn't contribute, but it was a rather short-lived situation anyway.
What he said to me was, "You're the one who's going to have to make decisions when it becomes necessary. You'd better never put me someplace!" The tone of his voice was harsh and threatening. I suspect he knows he has no right to ask me to care for him, although he'd like me to volunteer, but since I wasn't doing that, what he said next was, "If I'm in such bad shape that I have to be put someplace, then give me a fatal pill or shoot me." I told him that is a horrible thing to ask of me, it would put me in prison, and my life would be ruined. I asked why he'd would want my life to be destroyed, but he didn't even acknowlege that or respond to it. He was only focused on his own plight. My welfare after the fact was not of concern. Those are about the max amount of words I could ever fit into any conversation and I had to yell to get try and get him to listen but he continued to talk over the top of me anyway.
These conversations were always quite revealing in terms of how little he truly cares about my well-being, despite the constant love bombing. For a while I just chalked it up to him being irrational as he nears the end of his days, but it's more than that when I look back at his entire history.
I couldn't possibly do that. I have medical issues myself.
My father completely abandoned my mother and me when I was a child. I was willing to reestablish contact with him, but I am certainly not willing to take any responsibility for him. He never took any for me. I hope you can find a good solution for his ongoing care.
I wish him well, of course -- he is my biological father. He has never been a dad. Perhaps one of the many women in his life over the years would provide caregiving. I won't.
Thank you for contacting me. You may contact me again when he is discharged and give me his address. I'll drop him a card once in a while.
I couldn't possibly do that. I have no knowledge of his finances and no ability to gather information for him to apply for Medicaid. I wish him well, but I cannot take any responsibility at all for his financial status.
I couldn't possibly do that. I have some mental health issues I am working on and my adviser told me to cut off all contact with this man. I'm sorry. I don't wish him to suffer, but I cannot be involved in his life.
I'm sorry that he ignored eviction notices and now doesn't have a place to live, but there is nothing I can do about that. He'll have to figure this out with someone else's help.
No. I couldn't possibly do that. No. (Repeat as necessary.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You don't need to make any decisions for him. You need to make decisions for yourself. You don't need to weigh any options. His life. His decisions. Except he cannot decide to live with you or to get caregiving from you, because you've made your decisions.
You don't owe anyone an explanation of your decision. It might get the hospital worker off your back faster if you give a very brief reason such as those listed above. But just saying No is OK too.
By the way, your post is clear and concise. Thanks for that.
The thing is that he wasn't a deadbeat in the sense of being financially responsible for me when I was a child or after the divorce. The man was an engineer, so he had a sharp brain. He always paid his child support and was willing to help out financially with anything that my mother or I needed. He even gave her the house they owned together and left with just his clothes, so he wasn't selfish in that way, but in every other way he was massively self-centered and psychologically cruel. It's very confusing.
Once I was an adult, no college help, nothing. His generation didn't understand that mine was going to need college or some kind of decent start in life, because the world was starting to change. That's fine...so I was going to have a harder road...that's the way it goes, but it's the rest of it that wrecked me.
I suppose I feel badly for him because he did see to it that I was well-cared for financially as a child, despite his long history of emotional neglect and psychological abuse, and I do have appreciation for that, but it doesn't make up for the trauma and abandonment. He never bonded with me and was never interested in being an emotionally supportive father. He just left me out to dry. I honestly have no idea what it's like to have a supportive father who is there for you, as I observe with other people. I always wonder what that must be like.
He is oblivious to the effect he has on others with his words, attitudes, and behavior, even when they try to tell him. I never really got to confront him about his failure as a father, so he thinks everything was fine. But I did attempt to set boundaries, which he violated, so you'd think that would give him a clue, but nope. He could never imagine why I'd abandon him now because he's living in a fantasy...I think it's the only way he can live with himself, plus, he thinks I'm such a nice person that I'd never do that. I am, but I have to take care of myself. I know he does not understand why I stopped calling. It makes me feel pity, but I have to be careful because I know what I trap that can be.
I believe opening the door to more contact would not be wise and it's futile to explain any of this to him. On the other hand, in the off chance that he's dying (which I doubt now that he is in the hospital getting treatment), I'm not so sure I would not at least go see him, but I do not know anything because the hospital won't give me any medical information over the phone -- HIPA laws.
I know funds are tight but any way to get a little support from a counselor with this whole situation? I know you're feeling "wrecked" right now in this crisis but I would love for you to be able to start moving from wrecked to "rebuilding"!
Stay strong and let us know how things go.
Remember, he's told you he never wants you to see him. Keep that promise!
Stay away and out of his life completely. You owe him nothing.
(Remember, he might have told the hospital he has a daughter who will assume responsibility for his care. The hospital would like that, because it's EASIER on THEM. NOT YOU. And YOU count more!!!)
Don't let ANYONE tell you that you have an obligation, legal or otherwise, to provide care for this person.
Parents have a well defined LEGAL obligation to care for their children. That is not reciprocal. You have no obligation here, although hospitals and social workers have been known to try to make adult children feel that there is an obligation.
I don't feel obligated as much as I just feel sad about the entire mess. I find him pathetic and wish he did not do this to himself. I do not like to see anyone suffer and see them end up a ward of the state, prisoner to a horrible system without anyone who really cares about them, even if it's at their own hands. I think he thought he'd get away with his actions and it wouldn't turn out this way. He knows better now and I'm sure he's terrified, but it's too late.
I was not an unplanned child. My parents had a fairytale wedding and entered into their marriage with such hope. Mom still swears to this day that he "loves" me, but just never knew how to show it. But I don't think narcissists are capable of truly loving anyone. She says he dotted on me when I was a baby and was in awe of me. But that did not last and his dark side emerged. She was young when they met and didn't realize what she was getting into, although there were some red flags that she was too naive to understand at the time. Yes, he is cold and manipulative under the surface and often overtly as well, and it seems he just reappeared when I could be of use, which has created a lot of anger in me. I'm not sure if he is operating on a conscious level in that area. It's just the way he functions. He does not understand healthy human interaction.
Some people should never be parents! They only propagate more suffering on the planet.
Thank you mentioning support from a counselor. I have considered it, but it would definitely be a financial hardship. I am not going to rule it out though, so I'm keeping that option open.
I want to thank everyone who has responded. It has helped me so much to know I'm not alone in these these types of issues and that there are others who understand how difficult end-of-life issues are for adult children. The system needs to change. Better options need to be available without destroying so many lives in the process.
I will update when I find out more.
You can always say that you're concerned, weighing options but can't make a commitment now as you're overwhelmed and feeling ill yourself. Ask what the situation is, what the options are, then say that you need to think this over as you're just too overwhelmed right now.
You don't need to make ANY commitments; keep the conversation directed to what his situation is so you show interest, and then indicate that you need to think everything through before making any decisions or taking any action.
That way you're not committing yourself to anything except thinking, and you can weigh the suggestions offered by others.
I'm not even sure I want to talk to this case worker, but the situation could be entirely different than what I think. I want the communication to be in writing, so that I'm not taken off-guard and have time to think and carefully form my reply, but I'm going to be firm.
Thanks for the support, whaleyf! I agree!
The book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend is where I started. You can buy it used and it's a great starting point in your journey.
The social worker is probably trying to explore future housing options for your father. You have a built-in exemption - you live with your mother and her new husband. Your father obviously can't join you there. They'll probably pick your brain about other resources, family members, friends, et. who might be able to help your father. If you don't know of any, you don't know of any. He's not your responsibility. Keep saying this to yourself because there's a chance the hospital or others may try to convince you otherwise. Good luck!
I believe my boundaries have been firmly in place since going no contact. Even when doubts creep in, and they do creep in, I haven't broken it. Well, possibly if he was dying I would, in which case he would not be able to exploit it.
Although my life has been adversely affected by my childhood, I think the decades of separation protected me somewhat from a lot of what others go through when they can't escape. That made it all the more strange when I found myself, after decades, facing deja vu from my childhood, but I was able to make the necessary changes. Still, having to deal with the stress of the system's elder care expectations and not knowing what you're going to be hit with takes it's toll, because then it's right back in your face again.
I appreciate the book recommendation! I'm looking it up right now. If anything good can come of this experience, it's that it causes us to look for answers, and in the process, we become informed to the extent that we can spot the signs of this disorder in others and don't get sucked in. Boundaries are the key.
Dealing with the hospital, social services, or legal/medical system is a whole other matter, unfortunately, and not one I'm informed about yet, so this discussion has helped immensely.
In my opinion, your father was willing to "pay" so he could "play". There's nothing honorable about that.
Whether you were "planned and wanted" or not, it's his actions that speak louder than words. He didn't have any contact and you were emotionally abandoned by your dad.
How convenient for him to "rekindle" a phone conversation but not allow you to see him in person. What's up with that?
Do you see where a 6 hour conversation every day is sick? I used to do that with my dad too until my husband (at the time) got fed up of the mind games, snatched the phone out of my hand one night and threw it in the fireplace. Then he said, "You need to go for some help."
Your dad is either a narcissist or has a Asperger's syndrome. All they think about are themselves and what other people can do for them.
I would NOT get involved in ANY way, as he is only out to use you for what you can do for him. It's the oldest trick in the book. Make someone think that you really care and are sorry, then that sweet person forgives you, then you can manipulate him/her any way you want for your own benefit.
Come on, he was out of your life for 30 years!
Turn around and RUN!
This potential "relationship" spells trouble.
Now, you need to apply for Medicaid (Medi-Cal in California) to get some physical health and mental health insurance.
I had a bad (sick) relationship with my dad too and the therapist recommend to cut all ties because I was so sick in the head. I took his advise and got better. You really can't allow your feelings (desire for a dad mixed with guilt) to get in the way of your health.
If you haven't seen him in 30 years, (abandonment), it really shouldn't matter what happens to him. The state will make sure he's adequately cared for.
Please don't put yourself in a detrimental situation by assuming responsibility for him. You need help to straighten out your thoughts from childhood and having him in the picture will only exacerbate your already conflicted feelings. I've been there and done that.
Take care of yourself and get better first. Then, if advised by a counselor, you could have contact with him. But I wouldn't. You've been traumatized by this man and you shouldn't initiate any more trauma.
God bless you. I know how you feel.
It's good to hear from someone else who suffers from a sleep disorder. They're so debilitating. I'm sorry you have to deal with that too.
As for the social worker, that is probably what they are going to try to find out. I do certainly have a built-in exemption, but even without that one, there are so many others. How many would they like me to list? :)
Since you asked, he elaborated at a later time as to why he didn't want me to see him in person. He said he looked like a decrepit old man and he wanted me to remember him the way he was. But I never completely bought that since he didn't seem to be against the idea of seeing him if he was ever in a desperate situation. Not surprising, since there has never really been any consistency in the things he says. He lies a lot.
I'm going to take your advice about Medi-Cal too, but I'd kind of given up on trying to pursue that since there are so many cuts to the program going on.
And don't worry--I have absolutely no intention of being responsible for him. I'm just not sure how to handle this with the case worker or what they are going to try to convince me of. I feel so much better now that I've gotten such helpful information here.
I'm going to be gone from the site for a while, but will update later.
completely grasped who and what you father is. Let all that go. But know this, an absentee parent who provide good amounts of money to care for the family they walked out on, do it to alleviate their own guilt. So don't get that twisted.
You already know what to do about your father.
All of the turmoil you were experiencing came from your emotions. I was taught, if we live our lives and base our decisions on emotion, we usually screw up.
You said you believed you had the potential to have a successful life. Why didn't that happen? What hindered you? And what can you do to get back on that path? Why don't you have friends?
10 percent of life is what happens. 90 percent is how we deal with it.
Everything in life is just an "event" anything else is what we bring to it.
Believe me, I spent a lot of years getting help in finding out why my life was always a mess. If it didn't "feel" good, I didn't do it. And if it "felt" good, I did it....with horrible results. Successful people make decisions based on intellect, not emotion. Who knew? lol
Believe that you have all the things you need to build a fulfilling life, because you do!
Try your local behavioral health center. They usually have a sliding fee scale, based on income. I paid $5 bucks a visit.
Good luck, you got this and if you need a friend, I'm here, big hugs!
From your own description, your life is far from what you wanted it to be. Make the call to the Care Manager, eliminate yourself from your father's life, as he did from yours for several years, and move forward toward your goals.
In fact, post your plan of action and we'll give you support for moving forward!
You do not owe him anything at all - you do owe it to yourself to have a good life and health IN SPITE of the Hell he put you through. I agree with the advice to send a registered letter to the Hospital/social worker clearly stating that you are not and will not be responsible for him - they need to contact official professionals to take over that role. You do not have to tell anyone why, and they don't need details that give them - or him - possible space to use your soft heart (and misplaced sense of responsibility) to manipulate you. Just say NO!
Be strong and advocate for yourself. You know what to do - you know how you feel and how it has always felt concerning him. You just need to realize you deserve to be taken care of - and it's you who needs to do that now! JUST SAY NO!!
You don't have to give the caseworker a life story. Keep it short. You can say sorry the man has never been in my life. (Nice he sent money but he was never a "father" to you). I am caring for my Mother in her home. I have no POA on this man so I cannot make decisions for him. And, I am not able health wise to take on that responsibility. If the caseworker gets persistant tell him that Mr. So and So contacted you previously and his demands of you led to health problems. At that time you were told by the doctor to drop all communication with him.
You are not the only person who has gone thru what you have nor the only one who has told a caseworker you cannot help. You owe this man nothing. Forget that he supported you monetarily. If money is mentioned, tell them you are not responsible for his care nor can u afford it.
You don't have to be nasty, just firm. Once the conversation is over, request that you not be called anymore and to delete your no. from their records.
This is a sad situation for Dad. He lived the way he wanted with no responsibilities. He made good money. Now he is old with health problems and has no one. That is his fault, not yours. You owe him nothing.
Now is the time to stand and make your choice. WHAT IS GOOD FOR YOU? I would have underlined that but have no idea how on here. :)
Take heed of all the posts, they are a clever lot and so knowledgeable.
Stay strong my dear. We care.
(((((Hugs))))
It might be empowering to tell him now he’s going to reap what he’s sown. But since you’d let him chew your ears off daily for six hours maybe it’d be better not to speak to him at all, ever.